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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Randomly Singing Mom Stars In Best Local Gold Buyers Commercial Ever

Posted: 10 Feb 2011 09:12 AM PST

Even if you brace yourself for the locallest commercial that ever localled, you’re still not expecting this ad for Staten Island’s Empire State Gold Buyers. You’re not prepared for Randomly Singing Mom. You’re just not.

I’m on view #57 and she still gets me every time:

Yay, they finally made the right decision! NONONO don’t throw the fan of dollar bills you just got into the air! Ahhhh geeez.

Oh Singing Ma and companion, everything you DO do is wrong.

(thanks to commenter Chelesto for the heads up)

Smell You Later: Khloe Kardashian And Lamar Odom Promote Their New Unisex Perfume.

Posted: 10 Feb 2011 08:05 AM PST

A unisex perfume is not something that we see/smell very often. Sure, a girl can wear her boyfriend’s cologne and maybe that’s sort of sexy if you’re into girls who smell like dudes who like cologne. A guy could wear his wife’s perfume to cover up the scent of his mistress’s perfume. These things happen. But a truly unisex perfume? This I gotta hear described in an awkwardly sensual-ish manner by two people whom I know very little about!

“The bond between two souls is truly unbreakable.” I think what we’re getting at is if you wear this perfume, you will never be able to break up with your signficant other. Them’s the rules with the unisex perfume. Your souls are now united, sooooorrry. But, good news, you totally smell like each other! So that’s…weird. If you do break the Unbreakable rules and break up, you’ll have to divide not only your friends and favorite places to go, but you’ll have to decide who gets the perfume. “OK, I get Whole Foods on Houston, Jessie was my friend first so I get to hang out with her and you can take Unbreakable. No, I insist. It’s the least I can do.”

It is really too bad that this perfume did not launch around the same time that M. Night Shyamalan’s Unbreakable came out. That would have been some great cross promotion/a new twist ending. Bruce Willis survived the train wreck not because he was a super hero, but because he was wearing Unbreakable.

Buzzfeed

The “People Screaming ‘Noooo!!’ In Movies” Montage You’ve Been Waiting For

Posted: 10 Feb 2011 07:15 AM PST

This is a 12 minute montage of people in movies yelling “Nooooo!”. I love a movie montage, however, I wasn’t going to post this because 12 minutes is a little long and, although it’s an interesting idea and obviously a lot of time went into it, it’s actually really depressing to hear people yell “nooo” for 12 minutes. 90 percent of the time it’s because someone close to them has suddenly died or they’re about to be tortured or something. Even if it’s in cartoon form it’s still oddly unsettling. Or maybe I should just RELAX. Anyway, I obviously got the point after watching it for a while and pressed pause only to have the video freeze on this exact still:

We all know how I feel about Brendan Fraser. Or maybe we don’t, but, in summary, I love and support him in all he does. What a guy. Anyway, I took this as a sign. A Brendan Fraser sign to post this video. If only all my blogging conundrums, nay, life conundrums, were solved by a sign from Brendan Fraser.

So here, thanks to Brendan Fraser, is 12 minutes of people yelling “Nooooooo!” from movies.

ONTD

Lindsay Lohan Shows Up To Court As Bizzaro Robert Palmer Girl

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 01:43 PM PST

You’re gonna have to face it: She’s addicted to CRIME.

Here is your Lindsay Lohan, America. Sober? Maybe. But still freckled-knee deep in trouble. She showed up to a Santa Monica courtroom a few minutes ago dress in the above get-up, which can only be described as one of Robert Palmer’s angels up in heaven where he surely lives. Lindsay is facing felony theft charges for walking out of a Los Angeles store with a necklace worth over $2,500 around her neck.

Can someone get the guy who ran the hotel in Pretty Woman to call up his friend who guesses ladies dress sizes with a single glance to take Lindsay under her wing and get her in an appropriate brown-with-white-polka-dot dress IMMEDIATELY?

More pics of Lindsay ahead. That dress will surely have cheetoh-like spray-tan marks on the inside in about 15 minutes time.

[Photos: Splash]

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Indian Mattress Ad Finally Gets Around To Ripping On Tiger Woods

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 01:21 PM PST

Here’s an Indian print ad for Shivam “deep sleep” mattresses, featuring the caricatured likeness of a certain sex-obsessed golfer dreaming about his harem of ladies (it really doesn’t look a thing like Zach Johnson):

Following the logic of the ad, if Tiger Woods is presumably obsessed with sex and dreaming of ladies anyway because he’s Tiger Woods, then what purpose is this specific mattress actually serving other than just letting him sleep like a regular mattress? Or are we assuming that the fallout from Woods’ scandal was so affecting, he can no longer dream of ladies unless he’s getting a special super deep sleep only Shivam can provide?

I really hope Tiger Woods was sitting at home this morning thinking to himself “Welp, looks like that scandal is finally behind me, and I made it out without going insane — ONE more insult might’ve pushed me over the edge, but I hung in there. And now, time to read my weekly copy of India Field & Stream MagazineOHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” [Explodes]

(Copyranter, via Deadspin)

Fantasia Gains Weight For A Part… Well Sh*t, I Wanna Star In That Movie

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 01:42 PM PST

Now, you know I love me some Fantasia Barrino. My Martini Minute with her ranks as one of my all-time faves, and I’m pretty sure we’re real-life BFFrs. (We aren’t.) And while gaining 30-45 pounds is at once super-fun and also a little scary, we’re almost 99.9 percent positive Fantasia is NOT doing this for a movie roll. I mean role. Though “movie roll” makes even more sense.

She says it’s too play gospel legend Mahalia Jackson. But that does seem a little “convenient,” doesn’t it? I mean, we adore the girl, but this isn’t exactly Robert De Niro or Christian Bale we’re talking about here. Isn’t there a plethora of fat suits left over from the Norbit sequel that would suffice?

Fantasia. For real. Girl, it’s me. For real. Fantasia, for real. *Side-Eye* Movie? Come on. It’s me. Your friend. Muh-chelle. Just admit they opened a Grand Lux Cafe down the road and let’s all move on.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have 3 bottle of Mexican Diet Pills (MDPs) to overdose on. Good day.

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Hippos Try To Kill Tourist, Are Jerks

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 12:23 PM PST

Whenever I see a video of animals chasing a dude (happens twice per minute where I work), I’m inclined to instantly take the animal’s side because the people in the video always sound like jerky D-bags about to get karmically sex-murdered in a horror film, while the animal is an animal and does not possess conscious knowledge their actions and/or the concept of D-baggery (except cats – MAN do they know).

In this video of a boat getting chased by hippos, I’m actually gonna take the boaters’ side, just because 1) If I saw a bunch of hippos in the wild, I’d get excited and sound stupid on camera too, and 2) They’re not even that close to the hippos, the one hippo’s clearly just being a jerk.

Does the show When Animals Attack still exist? Oh wait, it became the internet, that’s right:

I just can’t believe CNN missed a golden opportunity for this hippo attack headline:

And Now: Five Naked Men Wearing Very Fancy Hats

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 01:55 PM PST

Listen To The Strokes New Single “Under Cover Of Darkness” And Be Very Pleased.

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 01:55 PM PST

I’m an unabashed Strokes enthusiast, so I might be biased when I say that this song, “Under Cover of Darkness,” is 100% RAD. Take a listen, figure it out for yourself. And by “figure it out” I mean if you don’t like it you can conclusively say that you have bad taste in music. Kidding!!!!!! Sort of.

Download it here

Thanks, Billy Keenly

Local Coxswain Excellent At Her Job

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 11:06 AM PST

They don’t do any half-assed coxswain-ing at Seattle’s indoor-rowing event, Ergomania. Go big or go home, that’s the coxswain way. This girl was clearly the best coxswain there. She is AWESOME. I want her around at all times to make me write. And exercise. Basically to make me do everything.

Seattle Times

MOM FWDS: Baby Royal Antelope Ready For His Closeup

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 12:46 PM PST

(Presenting MOM FWDS: Posts you should forward to your Mom, who will then forward it to the rest of the population of Earth. God bless Moms.)

The most delicate of tiny-hoofed creatures was brought into this world yesterday, as a newborn royal antelope was born at the San Diego Zoo. The miniature deershaped angel weighs in at only 2.3 nanopounds (proper royal antelope weight unit equaling 17 ounces) and has to be fed out of a tiny baby bottle… and we have PHOTOS AND VIDEO TO PROVE IT:

If that bottle doesn’t work, feel free to ask my own bosom to do the job, as I’m currently ‘actatin up a storm by mere sight of these photos.

Royal Antelopes are nocturnal creatures found usually in West Africa, and they average in at about 9 to 10 pounds.

Their noses were also the inspirations for chocolate chips and angel stools.

Their feet can double as periods on the end of sentences.


The good news: There is video of this little angel moving!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Let us hope this little Royal Antelope doesn’t go the way of Rupert, our first tiny-hoofed love.

(Photos via Zooborns)

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HOLY SH*T: Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson Getting Divorced

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 10:28 AM PST

Eyeliner impresarios Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz have gone ahead and shocked the world (I say this with no sarcasm, for once), as we learn that they have filed for… Divorce. And it looks like the rivalry between Ashlee and sister Jessica Simpson has taken an unexpected turn… because Jessica is in the lead.

TMZ.com, the internet’s leading creepy guy who hangs out in an LA courtroom all day, is reporting that it is Ashlee who filed for the divorce. Ashlee also seeks joint legal custody and primary physical custody of their son Bronx Mowgli, who was going to be screwed up based on name alone, but now, on top of it, is in for years of blaming himself for his parents’ separation. You can see the distress already starting to sink in in the above photo, captured last fall, where Ashlee and Pete seem to still be able to tolerate each other.

Wait, why am I completely blown away by this divorce?? I always thought these two marginally talented people could really make it work with each other! Maybe they’ll once again learn to love. Maybe they’ll realize their errors. Maybe Pete will show up on Ashlee’s doorstep singing some sort of gothy pop version of our favorite divorce ballad of the 20th century, “Can I Borrow A Feeling?”…

Alabama Sex Shop Offers Valentine’s Day “Guns For Toys” Swap

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 09:59 AM PST

An adult store in Alabama is currently offering a promotion where customers can trade in used guns for store credit on Valentine’s Day, the holiday of that happening:

“Which one would I rather kiss,” a gun or a sex toy? Neither. And if I had to pick, probably the gun – at least I could say, like, “Excuse you while you kiss the dead sky!” in an Arnold voice then accidentally shoot myself while my friends laugh twice.

This promo could be dangerous, though – did you know that people who keep vibrators in their home are 58% more likely to throw their vibrator at a family member than a burglar? Facts don’t lie, people, like Shakira’s elbows (her hips actually do lie sometimes but she changed the song to “hips” cause it fit better). End of argument.

Also, for the sake of awesome, PLEASE watch the slide show on the sex shop’s website (site is NSFW, NSFDoy).

World’s Strongest Beer Goes On Sale For $88 A Bottle; Death Updates Forthcoming

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 10:11 AM PST

The world’s strongest beer has officially gone on sale in the UK — “Sink The Bismarck” beer, the world’s first IPA with 41% alcohol content, is available for £55 (about $88) for a 330 mL bottle (about 0.001 hogsheads):

I’m guessing those two guys are the British Mythbusters and this is payback for us stealing their show? Or they may just be those two dudes from my neighborhood in Brooklyn that I saw talking during a Neon Indian concert. Either way, at least they have a sense of humor about their surely lethal creation:

This is an extremely strong beer; it should be enjoyed in small servings and with an air of aristocratic nonchalance – in exactly the same manner that you would enjoy a fine whisky, a Frank Zappa album or a visit from a friendly yet anxious ghost.’

So true! About Zappa albums and ghosts!

Close-up of the beer after the jump (it’s like you’re right there drinking it, passing out, and the beer getting banned even though grain alcohol remains legal!):

“The dedicated” is a much nicer term for “wealthy, Arthur-esque alcoholic and/or the actual real-life Arthur.”
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