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Monday, May 9, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Kate Gosselin Wears A Big Hat (Who’s Kate Gosselin Again?)

Posted: 09 May 2011 09:07 AM PDT

This weekend was the Kentucky Derby, which apparently means it’s an excuse for white people to wear big hats like awesome, elderly Black ladies do to church on Sundays in my hyper-generalized imagination. Lucky for us, Kate Gosselin wore a crazy hat, which leads us to ask ourselves: Who is Kate Gosselin?

Oh, right. She was on a reality show that exploited her thirty-seven children and led to her divorce. Oh, and she was on Dancing With The Stars, which is where people who want more attention go to get more attention. And Kate Gosselin still wants attention, so she wore big hats and people took pictures, because that’s how things work now.

Hi, Kate Gosselin! Did you hire a babysitter so you could wear your hat? Good, because you should take it easy! Cool hat, BTW!

– Eliot Glazer

Paula Abdul Will Do Anything To Get On X Factor

Posted: 09 May 2011 08:31 AM PDT

And we mean anyyyyyything:

We’re happy you’re back Paula! Now please take American Idol out behind the shed and shoot in the face to put us all out of our misery. Also say hi to Simon Cowell for us, and by say hi we mean youknowtherest.

Bea Arthur Hated Betty White, And I Cry A Little

Posted: 09 May 2011 08:29 AM PDT

As someone who knows every line of dialogue from The Golden Girls (particularly Bea Arthur’s, whose visage is permanently inked on my left arm because I’m — full-knowingly — out of my mind), it breaks my heart to see Betty White sh*t-talk Bea on The Joy Behar Show.

Look, I love Betty. As an American, that is simply the law. And as Rose Nylund on The Golden Girls, she was phenomenal. That’s why she won an Emmy, and that’s why, at 89 years old, her career was deservedly rejuvenated when she began stealing scenes in movies and killed it as host of Saturday Night Live. But while she’s always remained rather mum on the rumors that she and Bea Arthur didn’t get along, apparently now that Bea is six feet under, it’s okay to rehash the details of an one-sided feud, in which Bea apparently begrudged Betty for no good reason.

I’m not saying Betty White is a bad person, I’m just saying she’s got the advantage here because Bea Arthur isn’t alive to defend herself.

Not cool, Betty. Not cool.

 

– Eliot Glazer

David Hasselhoff Has That Vision Of Getting Chased By Spongebob Again

Posted: 09 May 2011 08:08 AM PDT

One of the very few drawbacks of decades of unbridled alcoholism (there are a couple!) is, as any ex-Baywatch star will tell you, the sudden terrifying hallucinations that you can slip into at any moment. Here, just a day after dedicating Nickelodeon Land in the U.K., is David Hasselhoff engaged in one of these visions, where he believes Spongebob Squarepants is chasing him down and attempting to absorb his soul (or as the ‘Hoff calls it, TUESDAY – up top!):

No word on whether the ‘Hoff escaped Spongebob’s deathchase or if he did in fact have his soul absorbed by the relentless Krusty Krab employee. Since I have neither seen nor heard any updates to either effect, I just have to assume that the latter happened and the Hoff’ camp is covering it up so the Knight Rider residuals keep getting mailed to his estate. In fact, I’m gonna mail that sentence to TMZ, it makes too much sense.

Video Combines My Two Favorite Things: Wine And Chinchillas

Posted: 09 May 2011 08:03 AM PDT

I love wine. Love it!! Wine might be one of the best inventions to come out of ancient Italy since mandals*. (*None of this sentence is historically accurate.) Wine makes a lady do crazy things, like flirt with fire hydrants and buy already scratched off lottery tickets. There is very little on Earth that I would swap wine for, really only one thing, that thing being a chinchilla, preferably alive and not stitched together into a fur coat with train.

So you can imagine why this video has my mercury levels hitting OMG… CHINCHILLAS IN WINE GLASSES aka WINE CHILLAS:

I want to attach these guys to a pair of flats and instantly transform into Karl Lagerfeld from the ankle down. They are so adorable and delicious! I’m not saying I would dip them in ranch at a sports bar butttttttt I think you guys know what I am saying. (That I would do this.)

(via my new internet guru Brendan Kennedy)

UNFAIR: Royal Couple Receives Baby Penguin

Posted: 09 May 2011 05:55 AM PDT

Um, so I can deal with Prince William and Kate Middleton having a lavish wedding while the whole world watches, and it’s cool that, you know, they get to live in a palace and ride in horse-drawn carriages and wear fun hats and have borderline incestuous 17th cousin sex all the live long day. I’m a modern gal. I “get” it.

BUT THIS HAS GONE TOO F*CKING FAR:

A baby penguin born at Chester Zoo has been adopted by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

The couple were given the 12-month adoption of Acorn, an endangered Humboldt penguin, as a wedding present from the zoo.

I meannnnnn look. I’m not saying I would want a baby penguin. I’m not saying I would hot glue its beak to my b’s and take it to lunch with my friends while complaining about how my husband works all day and doesn’t have any time for us while I feed it the sardines from my untouched Caesar salad. I’m not saying I would take my lil pup to work with me and put it in daycare and marvel at how all the other children remain neglected while my little one gets webbed pedicures and flirts with all the part-time nannies.

What I AM saying is that why is my life so empty? Is the ticket to happiness marrying a royal? Because saddle up the ugliest man with a title in England and Fedex him to me via the Tom Hanks plane in Cast Away because I AM READY.

Granted, the “adoption” only means that Their Majesties can only visit the penguin at the zoo, and not, say, chaperone if to the prom. But still. I AM THROWING A FIT.

What Is Gaga Trying To Tell Us On The “Edge of Glory” Cover?

Posted: 09 May 2011 05:47 AM PDT

This weekend has been GAGA FOR GAGA. Tuck in your ascots, America, because Gaga is on a cultural rampage and leaving no prisoners. Firstly, her HBO Slam Poetry Concert Lady Gaga Presents The Monster Ball Tour: At Madison Square Garden premiered Saturday night to rave reviews. Sure, 90 percent of it was really a commencement address to Gay University, but Gaga still sold the ess out of her hits, and even threw in a “Boys, Boys, Boys” for people who love that song (me, me, me).

Cut to today, when the world is eagerly anticipating Lady Gaga‘s newest single, “The Edge of Glory” – set to reach our humble little ears at 1 p.m. PST today (that’s 4 p.m. Eastern Time, Grandpa). Ms. Lady threw us a bone and tweeted the cover art last night:

For those of you who didn’t think it could get weirder than Gaga sprouting some sexy new handlebars, TA DA! She issss opening her mouth in front of a wind machine. My. What does it all. Mean.

Since we at BWE.tv have nothing better to do while we wait for the single to premiere except sit in total silence (maybe on the toilet, depending on morning coffee consumption) and fantasize about an alternate universe where Lady Gaga writes a pop culture blog about us, we’ve compiled this list of What Exactly We Think She’s Doing Here:

10. Popping a pimple

9. Sneezing

8. Getting a tramp stamp

7. Deciding what she wants to eat at the Cheesecake Factory

6. Asking if this is where food goes in

5. Taking a Mexican Diet Pill

4. Removing her mask at the end of a Scooby Doo episode

3. Smelling for Gaga breath

2. Deciding what she wants to eat at the Grand Luxe Cafe

1. Trying her best not to look anything like Madonna

Yup. Definitely one of those things. Leave your own guesses in the comments!

Anna Dello Russo, What Are You Doing?

Posted: 09 May 2011 06:42 AM PDT

According to Wikipedia, Anna Dello Russo is currently the Editor At Large and creative consultant for Vogue Japan, which came her role as Fashion Editor for both Vogue Italia and L’Uomo Vogue. She is only 49 years old, and in that span of time, she has played important roles in the world of fashion, but none so important as the one she played at the Strongbow Gold Experience Party in Milan last weekend: Nightmare Machine.

When Lady Gaga wears teflon dresses and cataract sunglasses, she’s “making a statement.” When Anna Dello Russo does it, it’s weird. It’s not only weird because it’s like, Cool it, lady, but also because we’ve seen it before. Who would have imagined we’d get to a point in which a middle-aged woman dressed like a really edgy bat mitzvah card would be tired?

Nevertheless, it is. Anna Dello Russo is so two-thousand-and-late, right? Work, work, fashion, baby! (All I know about fashion I learned from Lady Gaga videos.)

[Credit: Splash News]

– Eliot Glazer

 

Kids Hate The Deadest Osama Bin Ladens

Posted: 09 May 2011 05:00 AM PDT

Not to be a CREEP OR WHATEVER (I just got here!), but how awesome are kids, right? Although I’m barren 4 lyfe (JK JK JK), I have to hand it to kids: they are often very, very cool. Like the way they sometimes say things that human adult grown-ups cannot, you know? And they manage to simplify big ideas by just kind of laying sh*t out on the line with more courage than someone twice their age because they haven’t yet been tainted by the perils of self-consciousness (although that inevitably comes with the weird smells and upper lip hair of junior high).

Internet funny people The Fine Brothers took a somewhat serious turn (albeit still funny and engaging) by asking kids to react to the death of Osama Bin Laden.  Don’t get me wrong: it is awesome that the guy is dead, but the question of whether the celebration of death — even when the victim is literally The Worst — is always warranted is an interesting issue, and one that these kids tackle with a surprising amount of poise.*

*When I was thirteen, I would wipe boogers on the other people, so hats off to these kids for having it together more than I ever did.

– Eliot Glazer

Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Eliot.

Posted: 08 May 2011 09:08 PM PDT

The internet: it is so big!

When I first started using the internet in the late nineties, my family was somehow always three eons behind whichever version of America Online the rest of my friends were using. So I would sign on, and our modem was about as fast as Dom DeLuise/Paul Prudhomme (SAME) in a potato sack race, leaving me with an internet connection so painfully slow that pictures literally didn’t load. All I had was the warm welcome from AOL guy and a handwritten buddy list, from which I would send pre-written Instant Messages to one person after another, hoping that someone would be online at the same time to be on the receiving end. Mr. Joe Cool Guy over here, riiiiight?

Fast forward three hundred years, and here I am, a grown adult human being with an apartment, a dog, a blog, a seldom-updated Twitter account, a book (KA-CHING!), and a new job blogging for Best Week Ever. I’ve made it, you guys! Like Simon Van Kempen says, I AM REAL. In fact, I’ve been featured on Best Week Ever before, as a conduit for all things f*cked up, like the fat lady who wants to explode, Trenita: my dream date, and my gorgeous, idiotic tattoo.

But now I’m going to be here every single day, just like Michelle and Dan. Coming from Buzzfeed and Urlesque (R.I.P.), I can guarantee you that I will bring you VERY IMPORTANT NEWS about VERY IMPORTANT THINGS that occupy my brain, like eccentric health guru Susan Powter, audible animal farts, and the secret passages Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman built in their house for their kids (confirmed to me by Danny, via Twitter).

In other words:

– Eliot Glazer
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