Best Week Ever |
- Nene Leakes Is Important, Rational, And Intelligent, And Demands ‘Good Vibes, Man’
- McDonald’s Introduces Exciting New Way Too Complicated Settlers Of Catan Game
- Anderson Cooper Wore The Jamiroquai Hat Before Jamiroquai
- Little Girl Playing With Dead Squirrel Reminds Me Of Nothing, Because I Don’t Do That
- What Should Bristol Palin’s Reality Show Be Called?
- Hey, That Dude Looks Like Steve Urkel!
- Unaired SNL Sketch: Tina Fey’s “Great Women Writers Throughout History”
- ZEBRA HORSE ALERT!
- Whitney Houston Goes Back To Rehab, But Not Before Killing It At A Prince Concert
- Congressman Aaron Shock Appointed To Special Committee For Abs
- Michael Bolton Is BACK!
- Lindsay Lohan Vants To Suck Your Something
| Nene Leakes Is Important, Rational, And Intelligent, And Demands ‘Good Vibes, Man’ Posted: 10 May 2011 09:17 AM PDT
In no way do I understand what a Real Housewife is. Andy Cohen, he with the sh*t-eating grin and bags of money (you know the ones — with the dollar signs labeled on the front?) created a monster when he turned The Real Housewives into a flourishing Bravo franchise, pumping up the ego of dozens of women who were known in small circles for nothing more than being wealthy and probably annoying. Anointing these ladies with the power to overuse the word “drama” and debate endlessly about who is the most “classy” (which is, itself, a moot point because collecting checks for appearing on reality television is, by default, at the bottom of the low-cultural rung), Andy has turned back the dial on feminism by about thirty years by painting these women as nothing less than shrewd, loud, abrasive Mean Girls. And even if it is entertaining (which, granted, it is), it’s extremely unhealthy behavior to reward in 2011 when Tina Fey, Bridesmaids, The Hairpin, Broad City, and Nancy Pelosi exist. So the idea that Nene Leakes, a tall, loud, unrelenting meanie from The Real Housewives Of Atlanta, would quit The Celebrity Apprentice is baffling. She was obviously kept on the air to make good TV because she likes to be scream at people like Star Jones (who, ironically, has made it clear that she not only knows how to do things, but is focused on raising money for charity). But when Star made a stink about Nene’s combative behavior and it was validated by Donald Trump — of all people to make decisions about treating others with respect and kindness — she quit the show. Why, asked Wendy Williams (in the video after the jump)? Because Nene “makes her own decisions,” “nobody tells [her] what to do,” and she wants to “surround [herself] with people who love and care about [Nene].” So…okay, no reason? Because she needed to throw a tantrum? Cool. Nene couldn’t even “stick it out” to at least pretend to care about the opportunity to raise money for charity? Cool, cool, cool. So does that make Nene the most awful person ever? Kind of, yeah. Good for her, though, for wanting to surround herself by people who love and care about her. Does that make her a hippie? Is Nene going to start wearing flowers in her hair? Will she grow a beard? Here’s hoping! “Give peace a chance.” — Nene Leakes
– Eliot Glazer |
| McDonald’s Introduces Exciting New Way Too Complicated Settlers Of Catan Game Posted: 10 May 2011 08:41 AM PDT Tired of that boring, way-too-simple McDonald’s Monopoly game every couple years? Hardcore gamers can rejoice, because Mcdonald’s is unveiling a far more complex Settlers Of Catan promotion, capturing all the mundane nuance of resource-collecting and settlement-constructing of the real Settlers of Catan boardgame, but with food kind of involved! As nerdy as I am, I’ve sat in on several Catan games and basically asked every question that this couple asks, verbatim, upwards of nine hundred times: (via Jeff Rubin) |
| Anderson Cooper Wore The Jamiroquai Hat Before Jamiroquai Posted: 10 May 2011 08:17 AM PDT
As if the “feud” between 17-year-old Justin Bieber and 53-year-old Marg Helgenberger wasn’t amusing just enough for how f*cking weird it is (someone needs to make “Team Marg” tee shirts because I will wear one), it’s nice to see dreamy Anderson Cooper poke his nose into that bizniss. Some hot lady (who is an expert in the field of hairless pop phenomenons) was on his show, 360, talking about how Marg called Justin a “brat,” and he retaliated by taking to his Twitter account to bash the CSI star, who probably thinks Twitter has something to do with “whatever the Angry Birds is” (I know 53 is far from ancient, but I’m just pretending she knows about Twitter as much as my mom, who is roughly the same age as Marg, so just play along). Anyway, some brilliant producer at 360 thought that, during this very important segment, it was a perfect to air a photo of a young Anderson Cooper — wearing a Jamiroquai hat before Jamiroquai wore those hats — on a game show called To Tell The Truth. Anderson is the son of famous rich socialite Gloria Vanderbilt, so it totally makes sense that, as a child, he was involved in some weirdass game show. But all these years later, Anderson, who recoils in embarassment at the site of something so damn…well, embarassing, is still equally adorable. Now if only he would take off his shirt more often!
– Eliot Glazer |
| Little Girl Playing With Dead Squirrel Reminds Me Of Nothing, Because I Don’t Do That Posted: 10 May 2011 08:15 AM PDT Ah, childhood. That magical time when a young girl starts exploring the world around her, securing her bond with nature, patting butterflies who’ve landed on clovers and whispering secrets into the wind… Or, if you’re this girl, picking up dead animals and waving them happily around like you just caught the roadkill bouquet at a shotgun wedding. Seriously. What. The. Eff. What kind of father lets his daughter play with a dead squirrel? And then runs and gets his camera to tape it? Pahhrobably the same father who (at 0:44) zooms in on his other daughter’s chest. Though, with a rack like that, can you blame him? My gigantic heaving naturally heavy woman’s breasts can’t. Someone should probably call Child Protective Services and report this. And then call Animal Control to take the father away! Still got it Collins! (via Reddit) |
| What Should Bristol Palin’s Reality Show Be Called? Posted: 10 May 2011 05:40 AM PDT
Big news in the world of the greedy and talentless: Bristol Palin, original Teen Mom (so gangsta!) and daughter of If you break that down, what it really means is that the attention-hungry, money-starved daughter of her attention-hungry, money-starved mother is transitioning from gaining notoriety for having a kid out of doomed wedlock and failing at being a ballroom dancer to pimping out aforementioned kid as she continues to clamor for the last fourteen minutes while under the guise of being charitable (as if anyone moves to L.A. to work in non-profits). Cool, cool, cool. We’re glad to see that she’s going to publicly raise her child with That’s So Raven, and that she’ll get a little money while she’s at it. She works very hard! Meanwhile, the show doesn’t yet have a title, so we’d like to offer up some suggestions:
– Eliot Glazer |
| Hey, That Dude Looks Like Steve Urkel! Posted: 09 May 2011 09:31 PM PDT
Hey! There’s this guy, Sterling Hurst, who is an actor, comedian, and writer (and also part of the sketch group Mandoodle). He is very handsome and friends with my sister, who pointed out on her personal blog that, although he is neither Black nor a geek, he looks EXACTLY LIKE JALEEL WHITE, the actor who portrayed Black geek Stephen Urkel on Family Matters. And he does!
Somebody page Laura Winslow’s beeper! NEW HOTTIE ON THE MARKET! – Eliot Glazer
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| Unaired SNL Sketch: Tina Fey’s “Great Women Writers Throughout History” Posted: 09 May 2011 02:04 PM PDT
With the return of Tina Fey to Saturday Night Live this past weekend, SNL took the classy initiative to include a two-minute segment paying tribute to great female writers throughout history in honor of the show’s first-ever female head writer. The following sketch, written by Simon Rich, Marika Sawyer, and John Mulaney, never made it to air, but it’s been uploaded to Hulu so that we may all, finally and completely, put the whole “SNL is a boys’ club” nonsense to rest with one truly classy, heartfelt tribute: Can’t argue with a dude with a pee jar. Sorry, ladies. (via John Mulaney) |
| Posted: 09 May 2011 12:54 PM PDT This animal made a surprise appearance in Manhattan today during the filming of Men In Black 3: Blacker and Menner (working title). Can you guess what type of animal it is?
Ah, but look closer:
That’s right, it’s a horse painted to look exactly like a zebra, for reasons I’m sure will become perfectly clear when we catch MIThree on a plane eighteen months from now. A horse painted to look like a zebra? Isn’t that the exact plot of the movie Racing Stripes? Then Frankie Muniz and Jeff Bridges train Painted Secretariat to win the Triple Crown while Steve Harvey is a breakdancing horsefly? No need to IMDB it, I’m right. It’s also the plot of one of my all-time favorite Simpsons jokes:
(pics via Splash News) |
| Whitney Houston Goes Back To Rehab, But Not Before Killing It At A Prince Concert Posted: 09 May 2011 12:07 PM PDT Okay, so Whitney Houston didn’t “kill it,” per se. She did that thing where she warbles out notes now that are sadly reminiscent of the days when she could kill it. If you liked her last album, you shouldn’t feel bad. It was good enough for a singer of her caliber, which is now “okay, but also really sad,” considering she lost her voice in whatever the eff went on in her Hoarders-like domicile that reeked of booze, crack spoons, and KY (just a guess, if you watched her terrifying interview with Oprah). It’s a sad time to be alerted to a video of Whitney singing “Tell Me Something Good” with Chaka Khan at a Prince concert on the very same day that it’s announced that she’s returning to rehab for drugs and alcohol. But, whatever, it’s good to know she was having fun. So thanks, Chaka Khan, for making a recovering addict feel welcome (and perhaps realizing that it’s time she clean up her act). Do you guys think Chaka Khan is an angel? [via Idolator] – Eliot Glazer |
| Congressman Aaron Shock Appointed To Special Committee For Abs Posted: 09 May 2011 10:34 AM PDT Here’s the latest cover of Men’s Health magazine featuring U.S. Representative Aaron Schock of Illinois with his shirt open and his congressional abs in full huhhh?
Yikes! That’s a politician?? I’d FILIBUSTER those abs! (I’m so mesmerized I couldn’t come up with governmental innuendo that made even the slightest shred of sense. But I can construct this sentence explaining it.) To fully appreciate just how ridiculous this man’s abs are, let’s compare Aaron Schock to the abs of every other congressman in history:
Did you spot the difference? He’s not only leaner than your average congressman of the past, but he also doesn’t literally have the head of a cat. Did you know that 90% of current high school students don’t know that congressmen used to be giant cigar-smoking cats? What a depressing statistic. The magazine also interviews Schock about his passion for government, and even his answers are full of open-shirted innuendo:
Go where? Go and violate us all with your abs? Polisci majors, please clarify. |
| Posted: 09 May 2011 10:10 AM PDT
The Lonely Island premiered a new digital short (which should stop being called “Digital Shorts” because, c’mon, let’s be honest, guys: these aren’t scrappy little shorts of yesteryear) on Saturday Night Live this weekend that featured Michael Bolton, best known for apparently defining what “sexy” looked like in the early nineties (read: bald head, long mullet and earring, or the “Newly-divorced Dad”). Laugh as we may have at Michael Bolton, the guy obviously has an enviable sense of humor about himself, which is why his appearance in their new song, “Jack Sparrow,” is an excellent career move, considering his duet with Lady Gaga didn’t necessarily slaughter the competition (Peabo Bryson‘s duet with Ke$ha) (JK JK JK). Michael Bolton really likes Pirates Of The Caribbean, as it turns out. Oh, and drag. He also likes dressing up like a woman, and it’s terrifying. You know what they say: if you want to go viral, dress up like a pirate. Or like Forrest Gump, if Forrest Gump were secretly a transvestite.
[via Viral Video Vault] – Eliot Glazer |
| Lindsay Lohan Vants To Suck Your Something Posted: 09 May 2011 08:05 AM PDT
Here’s the good news: Now that shortening her name to one word and being in some movies have both failed, Lindsay Lohan‘s career is officially dead. Here’s the bad news: Now that it’s dead, Lindsay Lohan’s career is an immortal, unstoppable vampire. From People:
First off, is it really “well documented” that Lindsay’s a vampire fan? If so, can someone please shred those documents so we never have to read that again? Also, the phrase “The craziest vampire mouth shot ever with her mouth” is now also the creepiest vampire phrase ever involving my eyes because I just read that and what the f*ck does that even mean. Being the sharp reporters that we are, we managed to snag another BWE exclusive photo from the vampire shoot, which you can find after the jump. So, you know, click!
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