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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

IT’S HAPPENED: Someone Finally Slapped Lea Michele

Posted: 11 May 2011 09:20 AM PDT

Whether you like Glee, liked Glee, kind of hate Glee, or have always despised Glee, there is one thing we can all agree on: Nobody deserves a slap to the face quite like Lea Michele. Well you’re gonna want to put extra saline-solution in your eyes and clean your monitor off for this following clip from VH1′s Big Morning Buzz Live, where our Best Morning Ever specialist Gabe Liedman (Ed. Note: Follow him on Twitter!) walks us through the satisfying .002 seconds of the week. It’s the Best Morning Ever!

Like Skynet Before Him, Patrick Schwarzenegger Has Become Self-Aware

Posted: 11 May 2011 08:39 AM PDT

My inappropriately friendly (and more) crush on Patrick Schwarzenegger has been going through some extremely rough times as of late. His parents, Arnold “Right Angle” Schwarzenegger and mother Maria “I’ve Been Waiting To Do This For Years” Shriver have announced that they are to be divorced, meaning young Patrick will likely wonder to himself if he was the cause. (Something I imagine all children of divorcees do, but clearly they don’t.) It’s also being rumored now that Patrick has been dating Hollywood songstress Miley Cyrus. (Whuuuut?)

But I am happy to announce that not only is Patrick handsome and well-bred and powerful, but he also has a “Sense of Humah” (spoken to rhyme with “It’s not a tumah.”) Take a look at this tweet Patrick sent out to his shockingly few amount of followers (i.e. anything under a million):

A Hummer joke? Patrick… you had us at tweet-lo. He is so self-aware!! That is literally the only reason I like this kid.

Love,
This Photo

Starry Night Made Out Of Bacon, For Your Bacon Dorm Room

Posted: 11 May 2011 08:30 AM PDT

Looking to decorate your freshman bacon dorm room? Why not swing by the bacon poster sale and scoop up that bacon Scarface poster, that iconic photo of Bob Marley holding the giant bacon, Einstein sticking his bacon out, and those four naked girls with bacon projected onto their asses.

Or you could go even more traditional and pick up Van Gogh’s Bacon Starry Night:

Awesome! You’ll be taking girls back to your dorm room and hoping they don’t ask you what year you are so you have to lie and say “Junior” so you can still have a shot with them even though you kind of don’t already in no time! This paragraph is NOT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL. I can’t stress that enough. It’s from the John Adams biography.

(Indestructables, via Geekosystem)

Battlestar Galactica Fantasy Photo Op Bests Vulcan Mind Meld (NERD ALERT!)

Posted: 11 May 2011 07:42 AM PDT

Nerds and people with good taste in television, listen up! Dirk Benedict and Katee Sackhoff, each of whom played Lt. Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica in 1978 and 2004, respectively, were photographed together at an actual Starbucks! Starbuck and Starbuck at Starbucks! With cigars! And their characters liked cigars!

Sure, this will only appeal to about thirteen people who can appreciate a once-in-a-lifetime science fiction series that parallels alien invasion with global terrorism and political dynasties, but that is okay, because this is frakkin’ ridiculous.

[via Topless Robot]

– Eliot Glazer

Imagined Unhealthy Conversation Between Jake Gyllenhaal And His Mom

Posted: 11 May 2011 05:59 AM PDT


Jake: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!
Mom: Thanks, babe. Hold up, I’m just transferring money from my savings to my checking.
Jake: Okay.
[beat]
Jake: Are you done?
Mom: Almost … Okay, done! Hi, honey!
Jake: Hi. Mom. Why are you carrying a papoose?
Mom: Oh, this thing? It’s just an ergonomic alternative to a purse. I am a rich white lady, you know.
Jake: It’s cool. Hey, how do I look in this plain track jacket and khakis that doesn’t manage to show off my flawless body?
Mom: You look great, Jake. Really.
Jake: You think so?
Mom: Would I lie to you? Your own mother?
Jake: I know, I know. It’s just that there are surely some horny bloggers that would love to see me wear tighter clothes because everything about me is allegedly perfect, including the fact that I volunteered at a homeless shelter on my bar mitzvah, which is amazing.
Mom: Honey, you just do what makes you feel good.
Jake: Okay, cool. Then baggy, unrevealing clothes it is. Best Week Ever can suck it! Thanks, Mom. You always know how to make me feel better.
Mom: Anything for you, love. Now get in my papoose!

[via ONTD]

– Eliot Glazer

Old Chinese Lady Channels Michael Jackson

Posted: 11 May 2011 05:09 AM PDT

For a while, I’ve wondered why all we get on America’s Got Talent is a few breakdancers and creepy ventriloquists. You’d think by now we’d have our own Susan Boyle, or at least our own Susan Boyle look-alike. Well, now, thanks to this video, I’ve finally realized why America just don’t got any talent: Because we can’t possibly compete with the old ladies living in China. (Just go with my logic here on this one, it’s early.)

No while this video has no subtitles, I’m pretty sure I can translate their language using my many years of high school Spanish… it goes a little something like this:

Judge: What are you going to perform for us today?
Old Lady: Everything you’ve ever dreamed or lusted after or wanted.

Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet’s take a look:

Her name is Bai Shuying, and she’s 65 years old, and I’m pretty sure she could just go on tour as Michael Jackson and nobody would complain. Once people start to question it, she’ll just pull that breast-stroke dance move out and put all their worries to rest.

Also, you know who’s really got talent? The editor for China’s Got Talent. Did the audience really laugh and clap literally half a second into her dance? No, they probably did. That audience has got talent.

(via TV Guide)

2 Girls, 1 Incredibly Funny Sex Line Parody

Posted: 11 May 2011 07:46 AM PDT

“Girls, girls, girls!” — Motley Crue

Megan Amram is a notable comedy person (because calling her a “comedian” would be lumping her in with, like, Arsenio Hall) whose blog and Twitter are wildly followed because she is essentially the female equivalent of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim: a brilliant absurdist comic, but with a vajyna (that’s how you spell it, right?). She will soon be a darling of the alt-comedy world, which will surely annoy some of you, but deal with it.

She and her friend, Kate Riley, filmed a fake commercial for a sex line (“1-800-69″). It’s on par with — if not better than — Tina Fey‘s fedora and oil stains in 1-900-OK-FACE. But that’s like comparing apples and oranges and fake sex line commercials. And, like we once to say in the nineties, don’t go there.

– Eliot Glazer

Puppy Fart: Delivered!

Posted: 11 May 2011 05:11 AM PDT

In my inaugural post, I promised you that I would bring you news items of MAJOR IMPORTANCE, including audible animal farts. And I’m not the kind of guy to renege on my promises, okay?

I’m not here to “smoke [anyone] out of their holes,” you guys. I’m here to give you valid reasons to stop filing reports and filling out spreadsheets and adjusting your bow tie (this is what happens at real jobs for real people, according to movies).

So here she is in all her glory: video of a dalmatian puppy taking a bath and letting one rip.

America, America, this is you.

[via Videogum]

– Eliot Glazer

Let’s Rap It Up, Charlie Sheen

Posted: 11 May 2011 05:01 AM PDT

Just days after turning 94, Charlie Sheen is already attempting to tap into the “young” demographic by teaming up with Snoop Dogg for a rap song. Honestly, is there anything that man can’t do, besides get his life in order and stop slowly killing himself and everyone around him?

Also is no one going to mention that Robert Pattinson may or may not also be featured in this song? No? It’s gonna be me? Fine. Lovely voice he has.

Check out the song, entitled “Winning” for some reason, below. Warning! Language NSFW (Not a Song From Winners):

Actually, was Charlie Sheen even in that video? I’m not sure I actually heard him, although there was what sounded like heavy breathing towards the end there, so I’m sure that’s him.

No, Kelly Bensimon, That’s Not How You Make The Skinnygirl Cocktail

Posted: 10 May 2011 10:11 PM PDT

Of all the Real Housewives of New York City, Kelly Bensimon is the not the worst. Personally, I think Jill Zarin is the worst — a greedy, vindictive yenta-turned-fame-monster who is, simply, bad for the Jews (Michelle Collins‘s mom, Judy, is with me on that one).

Unlike Jill, Kelly Bensimon is not threatening. She is just a supremely weird lady who, against all odds, appears on a television show in which she is expected to think fully-realized thoughts and speak in coherent sentences (mostly in the form of heated insults predicated upon arguments about, like, who may have farted while drinking champagne at a fundraiser for paper cuts). And, if you’ve ever seen the show, you know that she is being paid for a service she cannot provide.

That peculiar ineptitude translates just as poorly onto her personal YouTube videos, a recent one which features KKB dousing her hair in lemon juice, salt, oil, and booze, and doing that thing where she pretends she’s making a joke to cover her tracks in case anyone takes her words seriously. “I’m doing this for you guys,” she claims. “We’re doing this together!”

Last we checked, the video had 111 views, so…it’s okay, Kelly. You don’t have to “do” “anything” for “us.” Go ahead and cash your checks, and congratulations on everything. Well-deserved.

[via Stoopid Housewives]

– Eliot Glazer

Report: Justin Bieber Throws Up During Concert In Philippines

Posted: 10 May 2011 02:02 PM PDT

Biebers: They’re just like us! Us non-Elven-godchildren totally throw up all the time too, especially when we’re performing our regular, run-of-the-mill karate-kick-filled pop shows in The Philippines!

Justin Bieber was so sick last night at his show in the Philippines, TMZ has learned, the singer repeatedly took breaks during his set to run backstage…and barf his brains out.

Sources close to Bieber tell TMZ, JB came down with some kind of chest infection last week — and when he hit the stage last night in Manila … the wooziness was way too much to handle.

Gotta give the kid props — in fact, just before his concert last night, he tweeted, “Sick as a dog … But the show must go on.” – TMZ

Consummate showman, that Biebs — no Filipino water-plague is gonna keep him from giving his fans their “Eenie Meenie Miny Moe Lover.” Nor should it: THIS IS AMERICA. Wait no, it’s the Philippines, I just said that. But he’s FROM America. Wait, no. Let’s just say, “Good job slugger!” We can call Justin Bieber “Slugger,” right? Cause he like, slugs those pop tunes out? Cool.

A Local Commercial For The Entire Internet

Posted: 10 May 2011 12:20 PM PDT

Here’s BWE.tv alum Alex Blagg promoting his latest business venture, a long-overdue giant warehouse where you can easily purchase recycled internet content. Why let everyone else hog the internet spotlight by repeating the same clickable crap over and over again when you can be doing the exact same thing? That last sentence is inscribed in Latin on the gates to the Internet campus.

Actually seems like a cool warehouse, but it’d be cooler if it were a F*ck Yeah Hipster Autotuned Warehouse (which it will be in .02 seconds):

Rene Russo Turned Me Gay

Posted: 10 May 2011 11:49 AM PDT

There are several reasons I like Rene Russo.

  1. She’s a good actress.
  2. She was in The Thomas Crown Affair, which is awesome.
  3. Although she is a well-known actress, she has avoided being a tabloid staple because, frankly, she isn’t an a**hole.
  4. She looks her age, which suggests that she hasn’t desperately caved to the pressures of chasing youth the way so many actors and actresses do with plastic surgery (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s just cool to see a middle-aged actress besides Susan Sarandon, Angela Bassett, and Meryl Streep with skin that doesn’t look like a Mylar balloon).
  5. She helped me realize I was gay.

See, what happened was this: when I was a teenager, I used to appear on a ganky TV show for teens that aired in the Tri-State area (New York, Connecticut, and New Jersey). In doing so, I was gross because, y’know, I was a seventeen-year-old kid from Long Island (i.e. frosted tips was the only way to style your hair, at least in 2000 P.J.S.) (Pre-Jersey Shore*).

But the show’s producers liked me enough that they sent out to press junkets to interview celebrities for movies and stuff. It was fun, too. I met some pretty cool people who somehow managed to avoid making fun of me for thinking that wearing neon green tee shirts and wire-rimmed glasses on a round face was an excellent look for television.

Anyway, when I interviewed Jason Alexander and Rene Russo for The Adventures Of Rocky And Bullwinkle (Robert De Niro didn’t show up because, you know, look at the title), both stars were extremely warm and sweet. They had been doing interviews all day, and the last thing they probably wanted to do was talk to some poorly-dressed teenager with a — GASP! — “soul patch.” But talk they did, and Rene Russo, in particular, went out of her way to make me feel comfortable.

As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure she hit on me HARDCORE. And that was okay, of course, because she is one hot tamale (that’s what straight guys call attractive women, right?). She slapped my outer thighs and called me a “junket virgin,” and told me that if I could make her laugh, “you can pretty much have me.” (::GULP::) And then she told me she was wearing ripped underwear, which…wow. Wow! If I was ever going to accidentally pop a B for a girl out of nowhere, it would have been right there. This was some Mrs. Robinson sh*t going down.

But I didn’t, in fact, pop a B. I just looked toward the ceiling as I shook her warm, delicate hand and realized, yup, I’m totally into dudes. And for that sexual epiphany I can thank Rene Russo, who boldly took me nowhere my beloved, patient high-school girlfriend ever did because I was always “too busy” to see her on the weekends.

*Jersey Shore is the same thing as Long Island.

– Eliot Glazer

Congressman With 5,000 Abs Is Having The Best Morning Ever!

Posted: 10 May 2011 03:50 PM PDT

If you read this blog a few hours ago, then you’ve already become acquainted with Republican Congressman Aaron Shock and the human washboard trying to escape from within his stomach.

Well we certainly hope Aaron is reading this, because congrats to him – he’s having The Best Morning Ever! Or so I crowned him on this morning’s episode of VH1′s Big Morning Buzz Live with host Carrie Keagan. Check out this clip of me giving Mr. Shock the Best Morning Ever title using phrases I didn’t really think I could get away with at 9:30a AM… (Dangling chads? Really? Yes, really.)

And be sure to tune in every day at 9:30 AM on VH1 for Big Morning Buzz Live! (Or, if you’re in a real hurry, BMBL.) I can tell you from personal experience (sitting in on every show) that it’s really fun.

It’s The ‘Glee’-some Of Your Dreams!

Posted: 10 May 2011 10:44 AM PDT

What kind of guy are you into? Do you like them strong and masculine, dark and brooding? Maybe he plays the guitar, has a silly haircut, and can pass for Jewish?

What about a guy whose face is so smooth, it resembles porcelain (which might even earn his the nickname “Porcelain”)? He’s of a the gentler variety, a sensitive soul whose saucer eyes can make despair and longing seem romantic!

Or how about the dude who looks like a California dream:  blond, shaggy hair, serious muscles, and pillow lips that run the risk of distracting you from his rock hard six-pack?

Now, what if we told you he plays a high school student just because he can?

You’re in luck! Take your choice from this ‘Glee‘-ful spread of three of the boys from McKinley: Chris Colfer, Chord Overstreet, and Mark Salling, all curled up together on a bed, making your Teenage Wet Dream come true.

Wow, Dan Savage was right: it really does get better.

[via Towleroad]

– Eliot Glazer

Everything About This Newspaper Cover Is The Apocalypse

Posted: 10 May 2011 10:36 AM PDT

Remember one week ago when the entire U.S. was in a post-Osama euphoria and the news was filled with stories of intricate covert ops and 9/11 families tearfully embracing some form of closure and a rare (if slightly morbid) surge of cross-party patriotism?

One week later, here is the front cover of the New York Post:

Whhh…huh?? Wha? The top story! The SECOND story! Rape Cop Bon Jovi Jenny Craig who is doing what when??? Is this the apocalypse? It’s the apocalypse, right?

These two disparate news stories actually just combined their powers to form another Osama Bin Laden, and he’s way more powerful this time, like Super Shredder. THANKS FOR THAT, news stories. UGHHHH, HEEEEERE we go UHHHGAINNNNNN……

The Queen Hates, Wishes To Be Helen Mirren

Posted: 10 May 2011 09:30 AM PDT

Look at the way Queen Elizabeth longingly gazes into the face of Helen Mirren, actress, portrayer of the Queen herself. On the one diamond-bedecked hand, she despises Helen Mirren so, and yet, on the other giant blue-haired crowned skull, she wishes to be here more than anything. When will the Queen finally get what she wants? Helen Mirren’s soul (and rack)???

(via The Daily Mail)
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