Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Jared Leto Channels Jordan Catalano To Do A Spot On Impression Of Kurt Cobain

Posted: 06 Apr 2011 08:44 AM PDT

As we all know, Kurt Cobain passed away 17 years ago yesterday. Cobain was a huge influence on many people, specifically dreamy high school bad boys who are barely literate and won’t acknowledge their feelings for Claire Danes. So here is Jared Leto in the role of Jordan Catalano in the role of Kurt Cobain:

Dude is good. Too good? He looks A LOT like him. Sounds a lot like him…he’s sort of hitting every point of my middle school crush spectrum. I’m going to tie a couple of flannels around my waist and think about this.

The Daily What

So, You Wanna See Mr. Big’s Balls…

Posted: 06 Apr 2011 01:48 AM PDT

Ever pause an episode of Sex and the City halfway through, throw up all the ice cream you just ate, and think to yourself: “Man, you know what would make this episode exponentially better? A big steamin’ pile of Mr. Big’s Balls.” Followed by looking at your reflection in the bedside mirror, brushing your hair 900 times, and softly weeping yourself to sleep? We (I) know we (I) have! Well, start scratching those lotto tickets, world, because today is all about luck and balls.

Chris Noth, nee Mr. Big, made an appearance at the 9th annual Dressed to Kilt charity fashion show. He joined the catwalk with a gaggle of other male celebrities in kilts, including Kiefer Sutherland and Jim Gaffigan.

And then this happened:

Let’s see: That’s Jason Patrick (far left), Jim Gaffigan (exhibiting restraint), Brian Cox (make it stop), Chris Noth (possibly half-horse), and Kiefer Sutherland (denying us a taste).

What’s that?? Where are Mr. Big’s Balls, you say? Come on, you didn’t think we were going to let you see Mr. Big’s Balls that easily, did you?

Ahead, we give you some celebrity testicles as well as a whole ass. This never really happens around here, so get in on it.



Now as we are not allowed to post balls directly to this site (a rule put into effect after the “Cisco Adler Incident” — link, NSFW), we’ve been forced to censor Mr. Big’s Balls balls the only way we could think of:

With Carrie Bradshaw’s Face.

If you’re interested in seeing what his balls look like, click on Carrie Bradshaw’s face. Then, sit back, put your hands behind your head, and just play this on repeat:





But wait!! We might not be able to post photos of a gentleman’s testicles coquettishly waving hello from neath his monstertruck thighs, but I’m pretty sure there’s no rule against a hairy celebrity ass tipping his hat your way while you finish for $5 foot long at your desk at work:

Note how all the other actors have already have enough of this ball-bearing stunt, but not Chris Noth! Nope! Just because he looks like the son of Richard Mulligan and Sam the Eagle doesn’t mean he can’t be proud of himself. Look. Look how proud he is!

We still haven’t forgiven you for leaving her at the altar, you son of a bitch.

Stay tuned next week, when we reveal Aidan Shaw’s pierced taint.

Patton Oswalt And Michael Chiklis Have A Conversation In Diapers

Posted: 06 Apr 2011 01:49 AM PDT

AHHHHGGHGHGHhhhh, this is totally one of those videos that once you see it for three seconds, you’re pissed you didn’t think of it. Not that I could’ve speed-dialed Patton Oswalt and Michael Chiklis and put them in diapers and had them speak gibberish to each other even if I’d wanted to, because obviously I do want that, but still, I’m still mad I didn’t think of this then not do it.

Here’s a fitting, definitive conclusion to the Twin Babies Have A Conversation spin-offs, entitled Twin Men Have A Conversation:

Aflac Duck Voice Auditions: Everyone No One Is A Winner!

Posted: 06 Apr 2011 01:49 AM PDT

I think we can all agree that it is okay for news organizations to sometimes cover soft news. Lighter personal interest stories have their place in informative broadcasting. But, CNN should really put a different logo up for stuff like this:

Hahaha, Gilbert Gottfried must be rolling over in his Camry. (We all just assume he has a Camry, right? What’s he going to drive, an Escalade? Get out of town.)

Now, let’s take a moment to offer some constructive criticism for all those who tried out:

Guy In Green Shirt And Tie: Nope.

Guy In Purple Shirt: No AND please stop.

Guy In Fire Cracker Polo: Try it less nasal. And also be a different person entirely.

Lady In New York Hat: Why would you even try out if you weren’t going to commit?

Guy In Suit: Relax.

Guy In Striped Shirt: Did your wife make you do this? Why are you here?

Lady In Blue Sweater Thing: No one is angry. We’re just disappointed.

Guy In Blazer: Actually not bad. But please don’t make eye contact when you do that.

Guy In Black Polo: Not only should you not get this job, but you should be fired from the one you have now. And button at least one button. This isn’t a gross vacation.

Guy In Black LA Hat: Don’t take any more voice tips from Lady In New York Hat.

Guy In Red: YOU ARE CLEARLY THE WINNER CONGRATULATIONS HERE’S A MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!

Thanks, Videogum.

This Is Necessary: TV Producer To Dig Up Bones Of Real-Life Mona Lisa

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 01:11 PM PDT

In our latest installment of NECESSARY NEWZ, in which we examine things that people do that are like super dooper necessary, we have an Italian TV producer who plans to dig up the bones of a lady believed to be the model for The Mona Lisa:

His team will first use ground-penetration radar to search for hidden tombs under the convent. They will then use carbon-dating and DNA testing to try to identify Gherardini's bones, comparing the DNA with that found in samples extracted from the bones of some of Gherardini's children, who are buried in a basilica in Florence. If they find skull fragments, they will try to recreate Gherardini's face to determine if she was in fact the model.

So necessary! Great job in advance, painting-model carbon dating gravedigging guy! Another much easier way to tell if she’s the real Mona Lisa model is if she looks like this:

Seriously, How Tall Is Jason Statham?

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 11:46 PM PDT

I love Jason Statham. And I love love love couples where the woman is taller than the man. (Hi Mom and Dad!) But I don’t love unsolvable riddles, which is exactly what we have when we ask the question “How Tall Is Jason Statham?”

The photo on the right is of sexiest man’s man’s man Jason Statham, and his 23-year-old hot Victoria Secret model girlfriend Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. This photo immediately stirred my interests because it’s your classic Hollywood tall girl/short man combo. I began to wonder: How tall are these two? Judging by the photo, she’s about 5 foot 11 inches and he’s clocking in somewhere around 5’7″. This is also taking into consideration that she might be sporting a heel, though it does not seem to be a platform shoe.

A quick Google search revealed this: Nobody has any f**king clue how tall Jason Statham is. Google’s Best Guess is 5’11″, which is interesting, as this is actually the worst guess. Other websites are clocking him in at 5’10″, 5’9″ or 5’81/2, which seems more accurate. We would like to be the first ones going on Google record that he is actually 5’5″, just to cause some algorithmic confusion. All told, the only thing that becomes clear is that nobody has any idea how tall Jason Statham is.

But height is just a number! We would still like to congratulate him on dating upwards (even if it is with one of the most beautiful women in the world, and even though he is the unstoppable testosterone enema that is Jason Statham.) He now joins the ranks of Rod Stewart, Jamie Cullum and Bernie Ecclestone in the Rich Shorties With Giant Ladies Club. May I one day be a part of it.

UPDATE: Commenter vito dorito has a first person account: “I was in line next to him in an airport. He is about 5’8″ in his big running shoes, which add at least an inch.” I buy it. The height and his Shape-Ups.

UPDATE 2: Confirmed from an anonymous source who has met the man a number of times: He’s 5’7″. Don’t you see? Don’t you see what we’ve done???

WE’VE BEAT GOOGLE.

Follow @MichColl on Twitter — Follow @BWEtv on Twitter

New York City To Get 23 Foot Tall Teddy Bear

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 12:08 PM PDT

So, this is a thing. From Reuters:

A 23-foot high, bronze teddy bear slumped under a black bedside lamp will be on display for five months in midtown Manhattan from next week and be a highlight of the Post-War & Contemporary sale on May 11.

The 35,000 pound sculpture, Untitled (Lamp/Bear), is the work of New York-based Swiss artist Urs Fischer. Brett Gorvy, Christie’s deputy chairman for Post-War and Contemporary Art, described Fischer as the Jeff Koons of his generation.

Also, at night time, the lamp lights up. This is just nice. Nothing to make fun of here. Park Avenue in Midtown could really use a giant teddy yellow bear. Right now all they’ve got are corporate headquarter buildings and this one pretty chill Chipotle on 48th Street that is slightly less crowded than most.

The only issue here is that… well… it kind of looks like the teddy bear is about to be put to death by way of the electric chair. Maybe it’s a statement on capitalism. Or electric chairs.

Serenading Unicorn Falls Horn Over Hooves For Sarah Silverman

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 11:27 AM PDT

Sarah Silverman seems to have it all: Looks, brains, career, demons. But today is the very first time in my life I have truly envied the girl. That’s because in this video, she gets serenaded by a motherf*cking unicorn. They hold hooves, they dance, they makeout. I can’t lie to you, the Unicorn on Silverman action in this video is pretty hot. And this is coming from someone who equates Plushies with Nazi pedophiles in the WBC.

Of course, leave it to multi-zillion dollar gum company Juicy Fruit to be able to afford such a convincing Unicorn puppet. Well, we’re happy somebody was able to. Gonna light a candle, play this, and hope the Serenading Unicorn comes clopping on my door sooner than later.

(via Buzzfeed)

25 Things I Learned From Sports Video Games

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 02:06 PM PDT

EA Sports recently announced that the next Madden game will feature realistic concussions with more severe consequences in an effort to raise concussion awareness and educate kids about head trauma. Personally, I think this is a great move, because if kids nowadays are anything like me, they’ll learn everything there is to know about sports from sports video games.

Here are 25 Crucial Lessons I Learned From Playing Sports Video Games:

1. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! taught me that when your corner guy gives you faster advice, your body heals (but only once).

2. NFL Blitz taught me that elbow-dropping an already-tackled running back after the play is a fun and insignificant thing to do.

3. NBA Jam taught me that when you set a net on fire, you can goaltend.

4. Tecmo Bowl taught me that when the defense calls the right play, your O-linemen give up on life.

5. NHLPA ’93 taught me that when a player is bleeding out of a hole in his head, you can heal him by calling a 30-second Timeout.

6. Baseball Stars taught me that when you fire a player, you banish them to a spooky Poe-like dreamscape.

7. Mega Man Soccer taught me that Toad Man is much better at soccer than you would’ve guessed from Mega Man 4.

8. NES Ice Hockey taught me that if you’re not fat, you’re useless.

9. Super Dodgeball taught me that dodgeball is huge in the USSR.

10. Blades of Steel taught me that only the player who loses the fight gets penalized.

11. Tecmo Super Bowl taught me that blocking mostly consists of wrestling a player one-on-one until someone is thrown halfway across the field.

12. Pro Wrestling taught me that red dudes are invincible.

13. Bad News Baseball taught me that rabbits can ump.

14. ‘Buster’ Douglas Knockout Boxing taught me to sign those video game endorsements as quickly as possible.

15. NHL ’94 taught me that really slow wrap-around backhanders are unf***ingstoppable.

16. Joe Montana Football taught me that Deion Sanders can outrun an entire kick coverage team back and forth across a 100-yard field ad infinitum.

17. Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball taught me that any player can effortlessly throw to any base from anywhere on the field.

18. Madden ’93 taught me that sometimes the ambulance forgets why it drove on the field.

19. California Games taught me that surfing is impossible.

20. NBA Jam: T.E. taught me that a helicopter sound effect doesn’t guarantee a successful dunk, especially if you’re way ahead.

21. Double Dribble taught me that dribbling a basketball is twice as loud as a stadium of people cheering.

22. R.B.I. Baseball taught me that most professional baseball players have vowels missing from their names.

23. Mario Lemieux Hockey taught me to stop playing Mario Lemieux Hockey.

24. NES Punch-Out!! taught me that when you’re convicted of rape, you get edited out of Nintendo games.

25. Every Video Game Ever taught me that the computer f***ing cheats and this is total crap anyway so I’m gonna hit reset even though I don’t usually do this. Really.

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Jake Gyllenhaal Cannot Get Over How Hot Jake Gyllenhaal Is

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 10:43 AM PDT

“I mean, have you seen me lately?” — Giant Jake Gyllenhaal Head

Now, don’t take it from me (really, don’t), but I find a strange satisfaction in staring at this photo while listening to Abba’s “Fernando” on repeat. Then again, I also have the mind of a serial killer.

If you’d like to taste my pudding for a hint of proof, I offer you this story: I was going to make a joke revolving around a pun on Source Code, and of course code thought of Horse Code. Which led me to this website, which is a very entertaining read.

Ranger Than Fiction: The Black Power Ranger Rap

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 01:53 PM PDT

Aside from the fact that the guy’s inhale sound is hypnotically annoying, the video is still a pretty good thing! Just ignore the inhale sound. Focus on the imagery and the accurate lyrics.

(NSFW because of language and overdramatic inhaling.)

The major accomplishment of this video was having the Power Ranger’s metallic mouth move. Remember how all the Power Rangers’ helmets all had metal mouths that wouldn’t move when the rangers talked? That was the worst. It doesn’t take much effort to make a show seem flawless to a fifth grader, but that was such a glaring error. “Come ON, Saban Entertainment.”  – You As A Kid

And how badly do you want a V.R. Troopers rap now? Oh, not at all? Fair enough.

Thanks, The High Definite.
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