Thursday, October 7, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Make Your Voice Heard In New York, Literally. This Is Not A Metaphor.

Posted: 07 Oct 2010 09:14 AM PDT

Have you ever wanted to be closer to us, your Best Week Ever writers? Instead of leaving quasi-anonymous comments, do you wish you could just lavish us with praise with your own, true voice? And, conversely, lavish us with even MORE praise? I don’t know what else you would lavish us with. Certainly not NOT praise. WELL. YOU’RE WELCOME in advance, because here’s what you can do.

Gizmodo reports:

This is the Urban Speaker: a smartphone attached to a loud speaker attached to a traffic sign. Tomorrow, when it goes live in NYC, you’ll be able to call it up and announce whatever’s on your mind.

The speaker’s part of the Conflux Festival, a weekend-long program of participatory art and technology projects in the East Village. The Urban Speaker’s number is 979-997-3041

OK, so maybe you’d want to say something other than about a blog you sporadically check when you’re procrastinating. In fact, I take everything back and encourage you not to say anything about us. There’s something really cool about the idea that if you’re not in New York, you can call this number and your voice will be broadcast and that someone in New York who you don’t know will hear you. (I mean, you could do it if you were five feet away from it, but you know what I’m saying). Spoiler: It’s in Tompkins Square so the person who will hear you will either be a hipster (someone’s going to yell at me for using that term but I don’t know how else to describe a hipster), a skater, a homeless punk kid or a crazy. Half (Maybe 3/4ths) of those people will yell back at the phone. It’ll be awesome. I guess that’s why it’s an art piece (conceived of by Wooster Collective). It’s a literal conversation starter. It makes you think. For example, it made me think of a really self-aggrandizing idea. That being said, if I’m walking through the south end of Tompkins Square Park tomorrow afternoon when it goes live (from 3-7) and I hear my name, I will be THRILLED and give you an INTERNET HUG. But don’t do it. No, do. You know what? Make your own decisions.

There’s a not politically correct joke in there about Urban Speakers. But I can’t think of it. And if I did, I wouldn’t write it. Or would I? I guess we’ll never know.

Dog Pees On Bride. Hi Internet!

Posted: 07 Oct 2010 09:01 AM PDT

You will totally never guess what happens in this video. Did you read the large blue words above these words? Oh. Then you’ll probably guess what happens in this video.

I’m just surprised they put it on the internet, cause it doesn’t really seem like internet video material. “Dog Pees On Bride”? Nahhh, doesn’t sound like a viral video at all. I would’ve turned it into a radio serial.

(via Dlisted)

Why Aren’t Kids Buying These Ben Roethlisberger Birthday Cakes?

Posted: 07 Oct 2010 08:07 AM PDT

Stopped into a Pittsburgh-area Dairy Queen yesterday (because they don’t frickin’ have any in New York City – thanks, Dunkin’ Donuts cartel), and couldn’t help but notice this display of Ben Roethlisberger themed cakes — the perfect conversation starter for any child’s birthday party:

“I don’t know if he’s guilty of those multiple sexual assault allegations or if his penis is actually gray like that one girl testified — all I know is this gold icing is DELICIOUS. Crack open that shady-ass Marvin Harrison ice cream!” – Good Mom

And He’s OK!: Keanu Reeves

Posted: 07 Oct 2010 07:32 AM PDT

Hooray! Sad, Solitary Cupcake Keanu is no more. Here is Running (for a movie), Happy Keanu! To quote Elle Woods (sorry), “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy.” Wise words, clearly taken to heart by Mr. Reeves.

He’s just a kid in New York! Making a film! Frolicking about! Not a care in the world! And not for nothing, dude’s still got it. Looks-wise.

More pics of Happy Keanu over at The Daily Mail

Jane Lynch SNL Promos: Betty White Expectations

Posted: 06 Oct 2010 02:12 PM PDT

Jane Lynch is hosting SNL this week! Huzzah! Lady is funny. So funny. I’m no Glee person or whatever you call yourselves. Gleetards? But her Christopher Guest work is second to none. And whatever second rate movie she’s in she steals. She’s a star, a shining star of comedy. Point being, I have huge hopes for this one. Here are the promos she shot with Fred Armisen. The first couple are standard cute promo fare and then the last one is all like LOL! I think? I could very well be going insane. Guys, no one should spend this much time surfing the Internet. It’s not OK. I’m like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, the amount of time I spend on the computer. Except I don’t have a dragon tattoo and I’m not a genius hacker or solving crimes or making BANK. I’m just the WORST part of the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo!! Which is too much time looking at a screen! Please send help. But before, no, while, you do that, here are the promos:

It was all a dream! That music at the end is hilar. Is that pan flute? It’s pan flute. Right? I only hear it every day on the street. I should know my pan flutes. Why haven’t you sent help yet?

Charlize Theron and Eric Thal Love Farming. They Want To Marry It.

Posted: 06 Oct 2010 12:32 PM PDT

Life and Style reports that Charlize Theron is now dating model/actor Eric Thal. Why? Let Eric’s close pal tell you why:

“The two have a lot in common,” a pal of Eric’s tells Life & Style. “He’s a farmer who grows all his own vegetables, and Charlize grew up on a farm in South Africa. The two like to escape Hollywood and go to his farm in upstate New York.”

Listen, Pal. According to you, the “lot they have in common” is that they both enjoy close proximity to a farm. What else? Is their chemistry all farming-related?

The pal went on to say, “They enjoy doing activities together, such as attending barn dances and baling hay by hand.”*

STILL FARMING RELATED.

These two could actually be dating. I don’t know. I do know that it’s probably mostly based on looks and good conversation and not solely on a mutual enjoyment of farming activities.

Even farmers are like, “Um, I don’t just date farmers. That would be stupid. There are so many other things I like other than my job. I don’t even know if I like my job. Farming is super hard.”

Which leads me to my favorite 30 Rock line ever:


* The Pal did not say that, I made that up. Much like that Pal is probably made up.

VIDEO: The Foolproof Way To Make Out With Katherine Heigl

Posted: 06 Oct 2010 12:04 PM PDT

The folks at Nerve.com have done some digging through the many motion pictures of Katherine Heigl and compiled a can’t-miss plan for any movie characters seeking to make out with her: Just be an scruffy douchebag to her, wait 90 minutes, and reap the rewards.

You all already knew that, of course, but now you can watch the thoughts you already knew in the form of moving video. It’s like Inception, but disorienting:


Win Katherine Heigl in Ninety Minutes or Less: A Short Film
Uploaded by nervemedia. – Full seasons and entire episodes online.

Male Pants Enhancer Takes You From Tic Tac to Big Mac

Posted: 06 Oct 2010 11:30 AM PDT

Ever wish you were more of a bear down there? Ever dream about turning newspaper pages with your penis? Ever want to say to people “Hey, my eyes are up here” after you catch them staring at your gigantic shlong?

Well good news, tinies!! (My nickname for men with small “things.”) British retail chain Marks & Spencer has unveiled their brand new body enhancing underwear for men called “Bodymax.” It’s underwear that turns your miniscule member into your favorite character from The Muppets:

Gonzo indeed. The question now being: What kind of guys with tiny lil guys would be man enough to stroll into a department store to buy penis enhancing underwear? What they lack in girth they make up for in bravery, ladies.

This also reminds me of one of my favorite Garry Shandling jokes, which goes something like “It’s very easy for a man to steal a giant kielbasa by putting it down his pants. Because no one is going to stop you by the door and say ‘Excuse me sir, is that a kielbasa in your pants?’” A delicious alternative exists.

Autotune Commits Suicide in Kim Zolciak’s New Single “Google Me”

Posted: 06 Oct 2010 10:47 AM PDT

Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Atlanta is finally black back, and if you caught this week’s premiere, then you know it was OFF THE HOOK HILARIOUS. Cable Ace Award nominees (probably) Kim Zolciak and Nene Leakes have mended the lacefronts that is their friendship, and have new people to focus their hatred towards: Dwight Eubanks and new housewife Phaedra Parks. If you missed the premiere but enjoy humorous jabs at people with small nostrils, be sure to catch a rerun sometime this week.

But this post isn’t so much to tell you about what is easily our favorite autumnal reality show as much as it us to announce the death of one of our closest friends: Autotune. Yes, that’s right. Kim Zolciak is a regular Gary Kasparov of autotune, in that she’s found a way to challenge it, and ultimately, break it.

Her latest single is called “Google Me,” and is an ode to how the internet works. Sorry, we meant herself. It’s no “Don’t Be Tardy to the Party,” but it IS the perfect single to slip to that man hitting on you at the local bar to ensure that he will never contact you again.

Sorry Jay-Z: This is the actual Death of Autotune.

(via Perez Hilton)

Island of Dr. Blonde-reau

Posted: 06 Oct 2010 10:37 AM PDT

Book your tickets to the Maldives now, an all blonde lady staffed resort is about to open! Reports Metro UK:

Olialia (pronounced ‘Ooh La La’) is hoping that by opening a resort in the exotic Indian Ocean destination staffed entirely by fair-haired women, they can dispel the stereotype that blondes are 'less intelligent'.
To this end, their plans include an education centre, where the secrets of 'how to always be perfect and look great' will be passed on to female guests, an airline and yacht service staffed only by blondes, including the pilots – and other standard holiday services.

A few things.

First, if my blonde friend told me, “I’m going to take a job at a resort in the middle of the Indian Ocean, specifically the Maldives, which is a Muslim country (fun!), exclusively staffed by blondes. Byyyyeee!!” I’d be like, “You’re really dumb. I never thought you were dumb before, but this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever known you, or anyone, to do.”

Second, you can’t in one sentence say that your goal is to dispel the myth that blondes are less intelligent and then in the next sentence say classes on said resort will include lessons in “how to always be perfect and look great.” A) That sounds like a crazy brainwash Stepford Wife situation and B) I know what blonde you’re trying to emulate and her name is Barbie and she is always perfect because she doesn’t speak, is made of hard plastic and has no genitalia. So, basically, these are classes in how to eliminate Free Will. Cool.

Thirdly, how could the pilot be blonde? I don’t get it. Oh, the pilot is a WOMAN!

Am I just a boring old brunette, jealous that no island has been made to celebrate me, as I identify exclusively with being a brunette?

Well, yeah. It’s still dumb though.

Adam Lambert Looks Great On His New Greatest Hits Album

Posted: 06 Oct 2010 08:52 AM PDT

Wait — that’s Pink.

Sorry, Pink, I made it awkward. Did I mention that Pink is in my office today, blogging next to me? Yeah. So it was already pretty awkward, after I got over the initial total inexplicability of it. But now I had to go type that Pink faux pas on Take Your Pink To Work Day of all days, and it’s just going downhill from here. Oh man, now she’s giving me the Pinkeye.

(pic via Socialite Life)

The Tempest Trailer, AKA Across The Tempestverse

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 10:05 PM PDT

Here’s the trailer for that new Tempest movie we wanted, starring Helen Mirren, Russell Brand, Alfred Molina, Djimon Hounsou, David Strathairn, Chris Cooper, Alan Cumming, and everyone from Ocean’s Twelve (but not Thirteen!), and directed by Julie Taymor. As much as I hated Taymor’s Across The Universe, the visuals were pretty amazing, so if they’re accompanied by Shakespearean dialogue instead of a dude singing “Hey Jude” to his friend Jude, we might be on to something.

I was hoping they’d include Shakespeare’s original flaming I Am Legend dogs, so that’s a plus:
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