Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Justin Bieber’s Meeting Gets Cancelled Because Of Centuries Old Middle East Conflict

Posted: 13 Apr 2011 09:29 AM PDT

Justin Bieber is visiting Israel this week and was scheduled to meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. So, already… “Hahaha, okay.” But then the meeting got cancelled because, well, you know, everything in that part of the world is generally on the edge of disaster.

From the Huffington Post:

JERUSALEM — Justin Beiber’s trip to Israel is off to a rocky start – tentative plans to meet the prime minister have fallen through under contentious circumstances, and the teen heartthrob says he has holed himself up in his hotel to escape the country’s notoriously aggressive paparazzi… Officials in [Netanyahu's] office said the Israeli leader had hoped to meet the singer, but hinted that Mideast politics had scuttled the visit.

Now, the purpose of mentioning this is not to make fun of Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber’s got enough on his being-made-fun-of-plate already. (Quick side note: I know we’re not all fans of the word “baby” being launched into our ears at a high pitch, but maybe we can all try to relax a little bit on account that he is a child. Remember when he said he thought he was going to be the next Kurt Cobain and everyone freaked out? Calm down, everyone. You know who else thinks they’re going to be the next Kurt Cobain? Every child.) The purpose of this, instead, is to express awe at how weird this whole thing is. A 16 year old self made millionaire just had his day ruined because a world leader suddenly remembered that his country is sitting in the middle of about 165 different armed conflicts that have been going on since the dawn of civilization. It’s weird. I hope Justin writes a song about this whole experience orders room service and watches Shalom Sesame.

5 Reasons Keanu Reeves Should Be The Next RoboCop

Posted: 13 Apr 2011 09:04 AM PDT

Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, and Keanu Reeves have all been rumored for the lead role in the upcoming RoboCop reboot (ROboot), but let’s be real — Johnny Depp is never gonna do it, and Tom Cruise would be way too distracting, whereas Keanu Reeves wouldn’t even have to lift a finger to play an emotionless cyborg.

Here are Five Reasons Why Keanu Reeves Would Make The Perfect RoboCop. In short: He has a lot of experience playing a robot:


1. He Loves Computers


2. He Can Make Robot Noises


3. He Can Do A Robot Accent

[He did just say "Carfax Abbey," right? Thought so.]


4. He Does Not Understand Your Hu-man Customs


5. BUT HE IS STILL PART A HUMAN!

Day 1: Coachella Outfit ARRANGED.

Posted: 13 Apr 2011 08:55 AM PDT

So. I saw Celine Dion in Vegas last night. I am in the midst of writing a review as in-depth as my college thesis on the Holocaust (seriously), but just wanted to share a photo of me sporting the best $45 I have ever spent on anything in my life. I’ll be heading to Coachella in a couple of days, and when I saw this gas station nightgown which I will most definitely wear as a dress, I just knew it was the perfect Day 1 tunic for Coachelskies. A top that says “Oh, you think your hipster bullsh*t is gonna cut it? Well newsflash: Here’s a t-shirt dress screened with the giant face of a woman who could out-sing every one of you motherf*ckers at this festival.”

Celine review to follow later today.

You And This Russian Cat Do NOT Want To Wake Up

Posted: 13 Apr 2011 08:18 AM PDT

At around the age of 11 or 12, we all start realizing what a nightmare waking up in the morning is. When you’re 10, you don’t give a sh*t. If something trips your awake switch at 6:30 in the morning, you are up and ready to jump on your parents bed until you all go to the rodeo. Or something. Probably not the rodeo. But, the point is that by 11, you start every day for the rest of your life upset at the fact that it’s morning.

This Russian cat feels the same way about mornings that you do.

Just give him another half hour. He’ll be good. He swears. Please, just… he’s so tired.

Thanks, The Daily What.

The Best Photo Of Zach Galifianakis Ever Taken

Posted: 13 Apr 2011 09:01 AM PDT

I take back everything I said yesterday about nude celebrity photoshoots. Zach Galifianakis just did his own series of photos for GQ, and they are necessary and great.

I nominate this as the greatest celebrity magazine photospread photo ever:

Has Kirsten Dunst ever tried that? Might be an improvement MEEYOOOOWWWW, UP TOP! High five me, the high-fiving cat! Meow (thanks).

After the jump, two more glamorous Galifianakis photos, including his long-awaited NUDE SCENE:

Ahh, time to sit back and let the hits come POURING in from people Googling “Zach Galifianakis Naked.” Got my giant dollar sign sack ready for when the dollars start shooting out of my speakers.

Ashley Tisdale Poses Naked For No Reason

Posted: 12 Apr 2011 02:41 PM PDT

Four celebrities — Ashley Tisdale, Bridget Moynahan, Keri Hilson, and Kaley Cuoco — posed nude in the latest issue of Allure. While I have no problem with nude photospreads — my monocle doesn’t fall into my mint julep THAT easily — I always love when magazines try to give a roundabout artistic justification for their naked photospreads, when clearly any magazine’s motivation for any naked photospread is to get a ton of attention because they’re naked photos of celebrities.

Here is Allure’s nonsensical explanation for these naked photos, verbatim:

BARING ALL

Naked, nude, starkers: However you put it, stripping down can be nerve-wracking. As inspiration, these celebrities slipped off their robes — and we offer solutions to the most vexing body-skin issues.

Couple things:

1) These women obviously have no hangups about getting naked because they’re voluntarily getting naked in a magazine.

2) “As inspiration” to whom? This offers zero inspiration to anyone with body-skin issues, because these women are f***ing beautiful. I’m sure everyone’s saying “I was nervous about how my body looked, but now that I know celebrity Ashley Tisdale looks perfect when she gets naked, that helps me to ERROR UNDEFINED!”

Fully Naked Ashley Tisdale Pic is AFTER THE JUMP! Not because we want you to click after the jump, it’s there because we just want to help you:

Whew! Now I have the courage to do everything that I did not before! First up: D*ck Skydiving.

Conspiracy Theory: China Bans Time Travel Movies Specifically Because of Bill And Ted’s 3

Posted: 12 Apr 2011 02:13 PM PDT

Right on the heels of the announcement that Bill and Ted’s 3 is actually going to happen, China has announced that they will ban all production of time travel movies. These two events are seemingly unrelated. Or are they??? Said Chinese authorities:

“The time-travel drama is becoming a hot theme for TV and films, but its content and the exaggerated performance style are questionable. Many stories are totally made-up and are made to strain for an effect of novelty. The producers and writers are treating the serious history in a frivolous way, which should by no means be encouraged anymore.”

How convenient! I think the real issue is that China is obsessed with Sad Keanu and they want him to be even sadder by denying billions of people seeing B&T3, his triumphant comeback. They also must have a personal vendetta against Alex Winter. What that would be I haven’t quite figured out yet. But I will. Oh, I will-OMG. I might have found the actual reason why. It might be because of this episode of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventures cartoon series. This is the description of the episode entitled, “One Sweet and Sour Chinese Adventure to Go” (eeeegs):

Bill and Ted accidentally break Missy’s… I mean, Mrs. Preston’s Antique Chinese vase and must go on a most superdacious adventure back to Antique China to get her a new one before she returns home.

And this is a still from it:

Fair enough, China. Fair enough.

NY Mag

Yep, Even Baby Rhinos Are Adorable

Posted: 12 Apr 2011 01:40 PM PDT

Like an overly attentive Stepford Wife, the internet manages to anticipate and fulfill every possible baby animal request we might ever dream of having, usually long before we actually spend one second of mystery asking ourselves, “I wonder what a baby rhino looks like?”

The Australia Zoo just answered this question for us — Baby Rhinos, like baby pretty much anythings, are frickin’ ADORABLE:

AHHHHH!!!!! Her little horn bump! You win, baby rhino. At what? Yes.

The calf will be named via an ebay auction to raise money for wildlife conservation, but if they’re looking for rhino name suggestions, I’ll propose Meg Ryno, Lena Horn, or Rhino Gosling (it’s a lady but cahhmann). Feel free to leave your own name suggestions in the comments.

After the jump, more pics of the baby rhino with its baby rhino mama:

(pics via Splash News)

Ironic Short Videos Will Definitely Get To The Child Sex Traffickers

Posted: 12 Apr 2011 02:28 PM PDT

Far be it from me to criticize anyone from doing good in this world. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore want to stop child sex trafficking? YES PLEASE. “Please do not try to stop child sex trafficking”-No one/Child Sex Traffickers. However. These (funny?) videos will surely not affect someone who has already went on and purchased a child prostitute (awful awful awful) or future child sex traffickers. PLEASE PROVE ME WRONG, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore! Here is one of the videos, starring Bradley Cooper.

The way that this, and the rest of the videos, are done, with cheeky/ironic music and handsome male celebrities doing menial tasks terribly, implies that real men are bad at comically easy things, but good at not buying child sex? Not to nitpick, but I bet child sex traffickers aren’t so good at making meals or doing laundry or shaving either. Or maybe they are! I wouldn’t know, because there is no connection between the two! Maybe nothing is sacred in comedy, but these aren’t comedy shorts being edgy with a theme of child sex trafficking, these are child sex trafficking PSA’s trying to be funny. You see how it doesn’t work both ways? Also, maybe it’s not the best forum for Eva Longoria to do sexy voice.

Acutally, this Youtube comment probably says it best:

“I know these are aimed at a younger generation, but I’m 19 and just don’t get them…”

Exactly.

ONTD

Even Eddie Murphy Had A Failed TV Pilot

Posted: 12 Apr 2011 08:24 AM PDT

Back in 1989, Eddie Murphy was on top of the world. The man couldn’t fail!! Then, he made a TV pilot for CBS and they were like “Mmmmmno.” It was called What’s Allen Watching and starred Eddie and Corin Nemec from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose (oh, but he can) who was actually one of my first major crushes as a child. While CBS didn’t pick the show up, they still had the good graces to air the pilot as a one hour long special.

And I don’t want to burn any network television bridges, but CBS… what the f*ck were you thinking??? This is HILARIOUS.

Eddie, drop whatever you’re doing (Pluto Nash sequel, transvestite, etc.) and pick up where this show left off! It’s gold.

(via Questlove’s Twitter)

Fox & Friends Suggests Women Get Their Pap Smears At Walgreens

Posted: 12 Apr 2011 11:41 AM PDT

Last night, Stephen Colbert sorted through the aftermath of the Planned Parenthood funding debates to unearth a number of hilariously misinformed gems, including one senator’s offhand comment that abortions make up 90% of Planned Parenthood’s operations (it’s closer to 3%).

The real scene-stealer came from a panelist on Fox & Friends who, in an attempt to downplay the necessity of the organization, suggested that the majority of Planned Parenthood’s services — counseling, breast cancer screenings, and pap smears — can be found at Walgreens. Who knew? As Colbert points out, “Ladies, just look for the stirrups”:

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Pap Smears at Walgreens
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

Shocker: Fans Of Coldplay And Kings Of Leon Are Prudes

Posted: 12 Apr 2011 09:34 AM PDT

Want to have sex? No? Cool, us neither.

And by “shocker,” I of course mean “obviously.” NME reports that the music-based dating website Tastebuds.fm asks people how far they’d go on a first date and then matches those answers to their taste in music. The people least likely to sleep together on a first date were fans of Coldplay and those most likely to bone make meaningful love were fans of Nirvana. Thus, we confirm the age old notion that Coldplay is super lame and Nirvana is, like, so cool. Here are the five least promiscuous music tastes and the five most, presented with the reasons why I think they are on the list:

Least Likely to “go all the way”

1. Coldplay (duh)
2. Adele (because her fans are too mature/old for one night stands)
3. Lady Gaga (because her fans are too young)
4. Katy Perry (because her fans have no genitals)
5. Kings Of Leon (because it’s hard, nay, impossible, to have sex when it’s on fire)

Most Likely

1. Nirvana (because they pretend that they’re sleeping with Kurt Cobain)
2. Metallica (because they are black out wasted)
3. Linkin Park (because they really want to lose their viriginity)
4. Kanye West (because they love douchebags and a**holes)
5. Gorillaz (because Damon Albarn’s voice is the sexiest sexy times sex voice)
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