Best Week Ever |
- CAPTION THIS: Baby Elephant Can’t Believe Sammi Hit Ronnie
- Here Are The Real Housewives Of Miami, The Trashiest Ladies Of Them All
- Meet Daphne Munro, Youuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrr Smart Shopper
- Pack It Up, It’s Over: Oregon Cat Picks Packers To Win
- Pam Ann, The Stewardess Star Of “Terror at 41,000 Feet,” Is Kind Of Like Jerri Blank By Way Of Patsy Stone
- 20 DWDILFS: Dudes With Dogs I’d Like To F*ck
- The Hardest Super Bowl Wings Recipe Ever Conceived
- TOP CHEF ALL-STARS RECAP: An Offer They Can’t Re-FOODS
- DISCOVERED: Dog Looks Exactly Like Donald Trump
| CAPTION THIS: Baby Elephant Can’t Believe Sammi Hit Ronnie Posted: 04 Feb 2011 09:42 AM PST
If you know us, then you know our #1 weakness in life are baby elephants. More specifically, the small hair wig that rests atop their heads. Can you take a guess as to what has gotten this elephant named Tuluba all shocked and whatnot? Click ahead for the full photo. Yes, it includes baby elephant knees.
This little guy is taking a bath! A SHOCKING BATH. He also ruins everything only moments later…
By covering himself in sawdust. Baby elephant! We want to sell our cars and park you in our garage. We just have to figure out a way to ship you here from Vienna. [Photos: Splash News] |
| Here Are The Real Housewives Of Miami, The Trashiest Ladies Of Them All Posted: 04 Feb 2011 09:16 AM PST
Finally, my birth city and hometown of Miami, Florida will be getting the recognition it deserves, as King of Media Andy Cohen has bestowed upon it its very own Real Housewives franchise. The show premieres February 22, but Bravo was kind enough to dangle a bedazzled carrot in front of our noses in order in the form of this preview. So, did they do my city proud? Barely. The women are 99.7 percent trashboxes. The men are 80 percent surprisingly handsome (in a bad way, we think). We barely see any wealth, but we do see plenty of gratuitous crotch shots. Oh, also, there’s a real life witch who beams herself into your laptop and will sear her image on the most secluded of brainfolds for the rest of your life. Now, in my dream, the series would follow five elderly women around a retirement community somewhere in Boca Raton, because that would actually be the greatest reality show ever created. Wait a second… what’s this?? IT ALREADY EXISTS. ANDY COHEN, WAKE UP AND BUY THIS SERIES ASAP… The only thing missing? My beloved Mother. Reality TV has never known such greatness. (via Eliot Glazer) |
| Meet Daphne Munro, Youuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrr Smart Shopper Posted: 04 Feb 2011 08:31 AM PST This is Daphne Munro. Smart Shopper for ABC News Arizona. But not just any smart shopper…. She’s yooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Smart Shopper. Or maybe she’s a Smart Shipper? It’s kind of hard to tell, Daph…. She should definitely submit the above video as an American Idol audition. Her tone!! On point. And having watched this video 3 times in its entirety, allow me to assure you: I am brain dead now. |
| Pack It Up, It’s Over: Oregon Cat Picks Packers To Win Posted: 04 Feb 2011 08:04 AM PST Ever since Paul The Octopus’ amazing World Cup predicting run (cannot believe he picked the World Cup favorite in that last game and was right!), animal caretakers have rushed to fill the void of easy attention-grabbing animal prognosticators who manage to go towards an object that in some way represents a team with a 50-50 chance of winning. Here, a cat adoption center in Oregon puts three cats and cat owners through a weird selection gauntlet — courtesy of a host who’s really gonna be a stahh someday — and the winning cat (who I guess is then deemed the cat with predictive powers) chooses the yellow Packers bowl to eat out of. Their cats are TWO-AND-O, people, so Green Bay’s got this one in the catbag. For the record, we did this exact thing two years ago with a dog and went 1-0 — these Oregon people totally stole our idea of putting videos with animals in them on the internet: (via Deadspin) |
| Posted: 03 Feb 2011 04:43 PM PST
Sample line? During a conversation with ex-flame Charlton Heston, Pam Ann decimates him by describing their bedroom romp thusly: “You mean that sad excuse for a shag? It didn’t even touch the sides!” Click play and tell us if you don’t have a big belly laugh within the first 90 seconds. [Photo Credit: Pam Ann's Facebook page] |
| 20 DWDILFS: Dudes With Dogs I’d Like To F*ck Posted: 04 Feb 2011 06:09 AM PST The Dudes. Not the dogs. Obviously. 20. 19.
18. 
17. 
16.  15.
14. 
13.  12.  11.  10.  9.  8. 
7.  6.  5.  4.  3.  2.  1.  |
| The Hardest Super Bowl Wings Recipe Ever Conceived Posted: 03 Feb 2011 02:06 PM PST
While searching for wing recipes for the upcoming “Supreme Bowl,” I came across this video of Top Chef winner Michael Voltaggio showing us how to make his own version of boneless hot wings, “Boneless Chicken Wing Confit with Curry and Blue Cheese Disc,” guaranteed to WOW everyone at your Super Bowl party! It is guaranteed to wow them because, in a word, IT IS F***ING IMPOSSIBLE. Here’s one of the steps:
Hahaha, good one Mike! I’ll just pull out my trusty iSi canister and liquid nitrogen jug. Then I’ll use my emerald laser sextant to alchemize my unicorn into a quasar. My Super Bowl guests are gonna be like “Wowee zowee that’s what I’m snackin’ about!” To see the entire recipe acted out in all its impossible glory, the full video is after the jump. If you don’t watch it, GOOD LUCK making chicken wings that taste good:
Troy McClure: You’ll need some corrosion resistant metal stucco lath… Homer: Wait a minute! Troy McClure: If you can’t find metal stucco lath… Homer: Yeah, yeah? Troy McClure: Use carbon fiber stucco lath! |
| TOP CHEF ALL-STARS RECAP: An Offer They Can’t Re-FOODS Posted: 03 Feb 2011 10:57 AM PST After an unexplained one-week hiatus (what is this, The Sopranos? OH MAN IT KIND OF IS), Top Chef is BACK for Episode 8, “An Offer They Can’t Refuse”. What awesome Quickfire are they gonna throw at us to make up for lost thyme? Ut ohhh:
Guest Judge Isaac Mizrahi. Padma torturedly explains, “Just as a runway show is designed to attract the buyer, a plate is designed to entice the palate.” Meaning, we had to have Isaac Mizrahi on for some dumb cross promotional thing our producers agreed to and after this sentence let us never speak of this again. Angelo is excited, saying “Two of my favorite things are food and fashion.” Haha, of course they are. We know what some of your other favorite things are too, and spelling “crocodile” is not one of them:
This week’s Quickfire will only focus on aesthetics, and whoever has the best looking plate wins immunity (no money though, cause it’s a New York OK Pretzel Regular Stakes Challenge). The judges won’t even be tasting the food, just like actual fashion models! BOOM! Out of the park. High five! Ooop! Broke your model arm cause it’s so thin! Out of the park again! Even further out of the park! Now boarding a train and leaving the city for another park! Fabio is on board with the nonsensical high-art concept, saying (transcribed verbatim): “My inspiration is a beautiful woman walking in the rain, trying to don’t get messed up by the wodder. Now, how that will translate to the plate…” Forget the plate, Fabio, that didn’t even translate to whatever it just was. When we finally see Fabio’s dish, holy crap, it is not trying to don’t get messed up:
After some meowy comments by Mizrahi (he should’ve been wearing a cat suit – too late to have this happen? CGI one in for the repeats), he throws Dale and Tre on the bottom alongside Angelo’s crocodile abortion. The Quickfire bottom still completely doesn’t matter, it’s just to insult them, right? Ok cool, just making sure that’s still the case after 8 seasons. Antonia escapes being on the bottom despite literally making a tree, because The Giving Tree was a book, and Fabio not only escapes the bottom, he ends up in the Top 3 (along with Richard and Carla). Say what you will about the stupidity of this challenge (audience says “Ittt’s Stuuupid!” in unison), but it truly did capture the awful, arbitrary, faux high-mindedness of art and fashion. Richard wins the challenge for his Black Chocolate Ice Cream, Menthol Crystals, Herbal Salad, and Mint Ice Cream Dots, so all is well. Top Chef purists (this guy) probably hated this challenge, and they’d be right to do so, but for those of us who make a monetary living off taking ridiculous screengrabs of culinary reality shows, this segment was basically porn. It’s time for the Elimination Challenge, to Eliminate the memory of that first challenge from recorded history. The chefs draw knives, and the knives all have wacky Italian nicknames on them: Frankie ‘No, Frankie Junior, Dino The Chef, Mikey Maybes, Nicky Glands, Bobby The Couch, Ronnie The Reagan, Vinny The Physicist, and so on. Looks like we’re headed for a PALLIES themed challenge: The chefs meet Frankie No, his son Frankie Junior, and their chef pal Dino The Chef — three iconic caretakers of Rao’s Restaurant, a 100+ year old Italian restaurant oozing with old-world, 90s-mob-movie charm. The nine chefs will pair into three groups of three to prepare a traditional three-course Italian dinner, and whoever manages to yammer the most about how far this brings them back will win. Sidenote: Is there anything more insufferable than people who really consciously whip out their heritage to give themselves entitled, uncriticizable privilege in nominally ethnic situations? I call this phenomenon “St. Patrick’s Day.” Anyway, Mike Isabella is “Jersey Italian” so he grew up stealing meatballs like that Junior guy or whatever, and Antonia misses her family and wants to make food that takes everyone so far back they literally hop in a time machine and get hit on by their Lea Thompson moms, and Fabio, obviously, is reveling in his wet dream. It’s not looking good for the people without charming grandmotherly backstories — everyone read Strega Nona, QUICK. They head to Rao’s and meet Guest Judge Lorraine Bracco, who was extremely in Goodfellas:
They also meet a cast of other amusing characters, including veteran Rao’s bartender Professor Sparklejacket:
The chefs cook in shifts, surprisingly free of manufactured kitchen drama (who stole my lime? I need my lime for the thing!), and present their courses three at a time. The Antipasti Ladies — Carla, Antonia, and Tiffany — are a big hit with the diners, but the pasta team of Michael, Tre, and Dale all get panned. Anthony Bourdain makes a witness protection program joke about Dale’s dish, then says that Tre covered the flavor in his risotto like someone would bury a body. He is on FIRE with the mafia jokes:
The ‘Secondi’ team of Richard, Fabio, and Angelo redeem things, and it becomes clear that someone from the pasta group is going home. Just a reminder, this Super Authentic Old World Flashback Italyfest is brought to you by Buitoni frozen pastas:
THE TOP FOUR: Tiffany, Antonia, Fabio, and Carla Despite ripping on Michael Isabella the entire episode and kind of being a bigger jerk than he was (just like Michael was doing to Marcel), Antonia wins for her very simple Mussels with Fennel, White Wine, Garlic and Parsley Ciabatta. What’s that ticket you’ve got there, Antonia?
Antonia returns to the waiting room to gloat, even though her powers of literal time travel clearly gave her an unfair edge. Michael Isabella gives her a look of utter contempt, not unlike those bitch ladies from Pretty Woman in the store who wouldn’t serve Julia Roberts then she came back and surprised them:
THE BOTTOM THREE: Michael, Tre, Dale (the entire Pasta Group) Michael and Dale are both instantly apologetic and understanding to the judges, and Bourdain sympathizes with Michael, saying “If you’d used a ready-made pasta, you wouldn’t be here.” WHAT? You guys once criticized someone for using canned BEANS. Just couldn’t resist that dirty Buitoni money, could you? Tre takes the most flak, however, because his risotto didn’t spread out on the plate:
Tre is asked to pack his knives and go. Mike pulls a white guy in the elevator and relates to him with a “Sorry brother.” Tre wasn’t that bad this season, he just also wasn’t that good, and with 8 chefs remaining this seemed like a fair elimination. On his way out, Tre explains “I’m just glad that I came here with an open mind – even if I didn’t win this competition, I would win a lot of knowledge and a lot of new friends.” WHAAAT? No wonder you lost, you clearly don’t know how reality shows work: So that’s it for Ridiculous Arty Thing / Mafia Jokez episode. Lorraine Bracco, you may exit through the Jets locker room:
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| DISCOVERED: Dog Looks Exactly Like Donald Trump Posted: 03 Feb 2011 11:17 AM PST Meet Donald Trump’s dog twin, albeit far daintier than the actual man:
His name is Bandit Rubio, and he’s a chihuahua who won a pet celebrity lookalike contest. For good reason. SAME FACE. Or, as the Italians say, La sua faccia è la tua faccia. But the lookalikes didn’t stop there!! Check out this guy, a RINGER for Michael Jackson…
OK, I’ll give in: There is something MORE than disturbing about the above photo… And the winner for Laziest Dog Lookalike contestant goes to this husky, whom the owner claims looks exactly like Mayor Bloomberg:
Hmm, no little suit? No pockets lined with cash? This dog looks nothing like Bloomberg. It is, however, the spitting image of
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