Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Whoops: Woman Uses Super Glue Instead of Eye Drops

Posted: 06 Oct 2010 08:25 AM PDT

I’ve seen this story several times this morning and refused to watch the video because I don’t like having my worst fears realized on the television (computer screen). That is, I’ll watch a scary show or a movie, but when something like this is reported on the news, it becomes clear that I am just one step away from it happening to me. Because everything is about me. Anyway, this is a news report about how a woman mistook super glue for her eye drops. And put the super glue in her eye. Spoiler: She’s OK.

I don’t want to make fun of Ms. Holm, because what a horrific ordeal. I WILL say, Ms. Holm, that no one thinks you’re senile, but you must have noticed at some point that the bottles look very similar and maybe some foreSIGHT could have been used in keeping them in separate spaces. But I don’t want to tell you how to organize your home. You seem to be from Northern Europe and goodness knows you all are better at home organizing than anyone in the world.

Honestly, though, now that I know that this type of mishap exists in the world, I am more likely to commit it myself. I’ll probably find a reason to buy super glue now. And eye drops. And then I’ll place them in close proximity to each other. I’ll either keep the super glue in my medicine cabinet or my eye drops in my hardware drawer. Best case scenario: I can never glue anything together and am constantly flummoxed by the weakness of my super glue. Worst case: This lady plus my eyes being glued shut forever. It’s like when someone’s all like, “Don’t push that giant red self-destruct button, or we’ll all die.” (Basically the Ren and Stimpy Space Madness episode). You just WANT to push the button. It’s just sitting there, waiting to be pushed. It’s actually sort of a metaphor, for, like, life. You know? (Ew).

Via Huffington Post

Some Dreams Are Best Left Unrealized

Posted: 06 Oct 2010 07:21 AM PDT

Every child who has ever spent any time on a swing set has, at one point or another, thought to themselves, “Hmmm, I wonder if I could swing myself so hard that I’ll be able to flip over the bar?” Most of us never pursued that thought any further, and instead went along to tackle something else playground-related (like playing hopscotch or a game of horseshoes) during recess. However, this brave soul enlisted a few of his buddies to help him conquer the what most astrophysicists consider to be the Final Frontier: a full 360° rotation on a swing set. Needless to say, it could’ve gone better.

[Thanks, Buzzfeed!]

James Franco Is Now A Successful Romance Novelist From The 80′s

Posted: 06 Oct 2010 06:50 AM PDT

Is there anything he can’t do? He really is so talented.

(Candy is a magazine about “transversal style.” Terry Richardson shot this. Franco loves to gay it up. Perfect Storm.)

Via The Daily What

Most Unnecessarily Dramatic Quote In New York Times History

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 09:48 PM PDT

The New York Times just published an article called “Noisy Wind Turbines Attract Complaints,” a story about how energy-producing wind turbines are annoying nearby residents because they’re too loud. It’s a very interesting, completely rational piece citing property value statistics, quotes from residents, and raising major questions about the future of clean energy.

Then, out of frickin’ NOWHERE, comes this amazing, dramatic closing quote from upset resident Cheryl Lindgren:

"I remember the sound of silence so palpable, so merciless in its depths, that you could almost feel your heart stop in sympathy," she said. "Now we are prisoners of sonic effluence. I grieve for the past."

Wow. A human person said that? Knowing that someone might write it down and put it in a newspaper? Is this person a wannabe-goth undergrad poetry-minor, or was the quote just Postal Service lyrics lifted from her AIM profile?

You know what, article about hardships of wind power? I’m actually really, really glad that the person who called herself “a prisoner of sonic effluence” is now a prisoner of sonic effluence. That’s the most poetic-justicey thing I’ve ever seen.

Anyone who longs for “silence so merciless in its depths” that you can “feel your heart stop in sympathy” and isn’t a Shakespearean character really deserves the cosmos ruining that silence. That was the point of the article, right? I forgot the rest. No time to re-read it, I’m busy making that quote my wallpaper. Not desktop wallpaper, my actual home.

(Thanks, @joegribbin)

Courtney Love Tweets Naked Photo Of Herself, Smartly Quits Twitter

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 04:49 PM PDT

You know that sinking feeling when you try to send your boyfriend a naked picture of yourself, but you accidentally post it to your Twitter account? Oh, you don’t know any part of that sentence? Really?? Not even the posting yourself naked to Twitter part? Geez. SORR-REY, THE POPE.

Well, Courtney Love did that, and now she’s quitting Twitter because of it:

Sexting is one thing. Accidentally posting a naked picture of yourself on your Twitter page is quite another. And that’s exactly what Courtney Love did.

The singer immediately followed that up with this, “I’m off twitter. That photo was meant for a boy friend.”

I completely understand Courtney’s decision to quit Twitter after she did that. This one time, I picked up my dry cleaning, then I meant to put the clothing on but I accidentally set it on fire and threw it at a baby. I’m never going back to THAT laundromat, let me tell you.

I can’t imagine how embarrassed the person who put a naked photo of herself on the cover of her autobiography must be after this blurry photo that shows nothing surfaced. Not to mention the brief extra attention she received for it, none of which was intentional or welcomed. I would guess she’s like, 12 Embarrassed. That number sounds right.

The Full Courtney Love Totally Accidental Naked Photo can be disappointingly seen after the jump (S-Enough-FW):

…That’s it? I’m quitting Twitter too.

Conan… You Know, Answering Questions About Injuries

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 03:12 PM PDT

At times, the internet videos Conan has released to promote his new TBS show have been underwhelming.  It’s great to see Conan back to work and doing things, but also, kind of whatever.  The novelty of seeing him on YouTube after not seeing him for a lot of months wore off pretty quickly.  This video, however… is pretty great!  Want to hear about all of Conan’s worst injuries throughout his life?  Yeah!  You do.  You don’t know why, but you do.  You are undeniably drawn to stories about injuries.  It doesn’t make you a bad person; it just makes you a person.  It’s okay.  Calm down.

Does anyone else remember the very specific episode of Late Night where Conan did the fake magazine ads, and one of the ads was for tiny candies?   I believe the text for the ad was “Candies so small, you’re a douche bag.”  That was the greatest.  1998 style greatest.

Christine O’Donnell Is Not A Witch

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 02:42 PM PDT

She is, however, a … really … slow … talker. Why so SLOWious? It’s as if she prepared for a 15-second spot, but was told by the director the moment that she arrived on the (really creepy and really witchy-looking!) set that she’d have to stretch it out to a 30 seconds for maximum viral potential. Someone really ought to have her work with Amy Sherman-Palladino (or perhaps Phil Davison) before her next campaign spot.

Oh, and while we’re on the topic of Christine O’Donnell’s outlandishly hilarious clairifications to the voting public at large, it’s worth noting that her father Daniel O’Donnell did NOT work as an officially licensed Bozo The Clown, as previously rumored. As he explained to Mark Leibovitch of the New York Times last night, “To be an official Bozo, you had to go to a special school in Texas … I was the fill-in Bozo.” Do with that information what you will.

Who’s Missing From This Cristiano Ronaldo / Megan Fox Billboard?

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 02:21 PM PDT

Armani just unveiled a new billboard on the Sunset Strip featuring Megan Fox and professional absman Cristiano Ronaldo. Behold their eye-pleasing chestal areas:

What about that giant space in the middle? Who did you AIRBRUSH OUT OF THE PHOTO, Armani?

Using our patented technology of science, we’ve managed to reconstruct the original Armani ad:

BOOM. Blew the lid off that scandal.

Today’s the day I demand a huge raise, right? I’m blowing this Photoshop up to banner size at Kinko’s before I go ask.

Meet The Silliest Contestants Of VH1′s Dance Cam Slam

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 01:52 PM PDT

VH1′s new competitive dance show ain’t nothin’ like Dancing With the Stars. You don’t have to be a celeb to compete. You don’t have to be a phenomenal dancer either. Hell, you don’t even need rhythm! Because judges will score dancers based on the “overall entertainment value of their performance,” according to VH1. Hopeful translation: This show will definitely be good for a few laughs. So far, my money is on the appropriately named The Chocolate Chip Dancers crew (i.e., the shirtless guys with Buddha bellies and bow ties). Via The VH1 Blog.

p.s. If you think you have what it takes, visit the Dance Cam Slam casting site.  There’s a $5,000 weekly prize.

Second Bieber Post Of The Day: We’re All Punk’d

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 12:33 PM PDT

I first want to apologize for posting about Justin Bieber twice in a day.  I promise I will never ever do that again.  It normally takes minimal effort to not post about him at all, but he’s just all up in the world today.

Secondly, I want to apologize for the news I’m about to tell you.

From Deadline:

MTV is finalizing a deal to bring back its signature series Punk’d with teen superstar Justin Bieber as the new host. The show’s creators/ executive producers, original host Ashton Kutcher and Jason Goldberg, are back to executive produce the new installment through their company Katalyst. There has been a lot of chatter about a Punk’d revival since the celebrity hidden-camera show went off the air in 2007 after 4 years and 69 episodes. I hear Bieber was identified as a new host in the summer with talks going on ever since. No premiere date has been set but the new Punk’d has been quietly gearing up for production and will probably launch next year.

I think there’s a pretty obvious problem here.  To illustrate this problem I will tell you a quick personal story:

About a year and a half ago I was writing for a TV talk show that has since been canceled so hard.  (It’s fine.)  During my stint on that show, one of the guests was Justin Bieber.  On the day he was a guest, I was standing in the control room waiting for the show to start.  As I leaned against the wall, staring at the array of TV screens, Justin Bieber suddenly walked in.  He and I made eye contact.  He was so little. And I immediately thought to myself, “Is this…  am I being Punk’d?”

The problem is that any time you actually see Justin Bieber in person, YOU ALREADY FEEL LIKE YOU’RE BEING PUNK’D!  This is never going to work.

BOARDWALK EMPIRE RECAP: The Sticking Hands In Dudes Episode

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 12:22 PM PDT

Episode 3, “Broadway Limited,” picks up where 2 left off, with a bloody disoriented man stumbling out of the woods and scaring the HJ couple. Turns out, he’s one of the New York gangsters who survived Jimmy’s liquor ambush, and not, as I had falsely predicted, a wisecracking Yiddish zombie who wandered down from the Zombie Catskills to take this show in a very different direction.

Nucky and his Sheriff bro start panicking because the survivor can pin Jimmy to the shooting, and the last thing they need is Arnold Rothstein showing up and being all “I make really calm threats. Watch me chalk this pool cue for an hour.” While a doctor operates on the survivor, Sheriff Eli asks everyone in the room to leave so he can “Smother him, whoops I mean smother him, whoops said the same thing again I mean, do whatever the opposite of smother him is. Put more air into him.”

Everyone leaves, and Eli grabs a pillow and begins to smother the wounded man in a scene highly reminiscent of the popular Buster Keaton picture “Tomfoolery All Around That Cuckoo’s Nest”. Before Eli can finish the job, Agent Van Alden runs in and stops everything with his staunch asexuality, and orders his goofy-looking co-agent to guard the wounded man because seriously everyone in this show is shady as balls.

Van Alden later returns to the hospital room to interrogate the survivor and in a well-thought-out move, throws him in the back of a car and starts driving him towards New York. They stop at a dentist’s office on the way in a desperate attempt to keep the man alive, but the dentist’s like, “It’s the 20s! The only treatments I can administer are cocaine, leeches, or shooting him.” They revive the man with cocaine, but he curses Van Alden in Yiddish, saying “You big schlemiel! I feel on my tuchus!”

Van Alden reacts as anyone would in that situation, by sticking his hand into the man’s gaping wound-hole and making him say “Jimmy shot everyone!” in wacky ventriloquist doll voice. Van Alden then drinks a glass of water while the man sings “Happy Birthday.” Then the guy dies.

Elsewhere on the boardwalk (whenever they jump from scene to scene, this show should have a Home Improvement transition where like the screen gets wrapped up into salt water taffy then someone takes it away then the next scene is happening. Anyway…) Nucky strikes a deal with fellow gangster Chalky White, who is neither, to water down 500 whiskey bottles into 3000, because just allowing the shipments to come in and selling them to gangs all around the country wasn’t already shady enough.

Chalky agrees and begins working his magic, but the rival gangs quickly catch wind of the operation and take action, killing Chalky’s driver and scrawling “LIQUOR KILLS” on his car door:

Nucky ups Chalky’s share to 50% in exchange for keeping the hanging quiet, because the last thing he wants in an election year is a race war. Really? I thought race wars were great for politicians before 1950. Didn’t Calvin Coolidge win on a platform of Race War? Someone who’s a history major please tell me I’m 100% correct.

Elsewhere, Margaret is patronizing her children about her miscarried child, telling them “The stork must’ve gotten lost, because your father beat the sh*t out of it.” She’s then informed that Nucky has gotten her a job at a French clothing parlour run by A-Holes, for A-Holes. The lady in charge is not nice to her:

She’s just extra bitter because the previous employee had four years of experience. That employee? CHARLES LINDBERGH.

While clothing rich jerks, Margaret is asked to serve Nucky’s ladyfriend Lucy, who recognizes her and proceeds to demean her by constantly bashing her in the face with reminders of her lower status. It’s like a 20s version of Charles Widmore interacting with Desmond.

Meanwhile, Jimmy is having a doozy of an episode: First, his child runs into the photo portrait shop on the boardwalk and acts all chummy with the guy who runs it, making Jimmy suspect that his wife slept with the photo guy while he was away for 2 years with no contact and presumed to be dead. Whatta HOOOWAHHHH!!! (I pronounce “whore” like Joey Pants on the Sopranos.) Then, Arnold Rothstein learns of Jimmy’s involvement in the shooting and orders Lucky Luciano to kill him. Looks like someone needs a little cheering up!

Jimmy is instructed by Nucky to leave Atlantic City, and because there were only four cities then — Atlantic City, New York, Chicago, and Virginia — he boards the BROADWAY LIMITED (titular line!) to Chicago. My prediction: He’s either going to join up with Al Capone and the Chicago gang, or he’s gonna eat some delicious deep dish pizza with Al Capone and the Chicago gang. Also, a wisecracking Yiddish zombie.

Boardwalk Empire Episode 3 thoughts? Favorite / Least Favorite Parts? Still sticking with the show? I am, cause I’m already Phil Collins In Too Deep. Comment away, see?

Follow Me On Twitter.

Follow BWE On Twitter.

Celebrities Are Just Like Us + Reality Shows + Live TV Interviews + Retail Stores + Robberies – Caring About Other People

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 10:41 AM PDT

You know how sometimes you have trouble relating to celebrities?  Well, this is not going to help at all.

Harry Hamlin, who is famous for being a guy who you’re pretty sure you’ve seen in some things, and Lisa Rinna, who has a face that seems familiar, but you’re not really sure what she’s been in, appeared together this morning on the Today Show on NBC.  They are married or maybe just know each other — I’m not sure — and they are promoting their new reality show called Lisa Loves Harry… or Harry Knows Lisa.  Something like that.  I’m seriously not even going to Google it.

Anyway, while they were on live TV, Harry Hamlin takes a phone call during which he finds out the store he and Lisa own (I guess they own a store!) has been robbed.  Harry then does the opposite of a plug for ADT Home Security, and after a lot of moments of being upset, is prodded to ask if anyone was hurt, which he was totally not going to do on his own.  This is such a weird spectacle.  Enjoy/hate.

When you are rich and 50 years old, they give you a brand new face.  True story.

And The Survey Says: “Your Penis”

Posted: 05 Oct 2010 10:39 AM PDT

Oh no she didn’t! Actually, yes she did. We haven’t been watching much Family Feud since the departure of the great John O’Hurley, but this moment certainly caught our eye. When host Steve Harvey asked a contestant to “Name a part of your body that’s bigger than when you were 16 years-old,” she answered with the first thing that came to her mind. No, not “a boner” (although that HAS happened before); rather, she used the “medical terminology” (her words!) for the, um, male anatomy, which resulted in the prudish Harvey nearly passing out on the stage from shock. Geez, Steve, unprofessional much?
Brought to you by: at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)