Saturday, January 1, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Michelle’s Giant List Of 2010 Apologies

Posted: 31 Dec 2010 01:55 PM PST

2010 has been a year of great happiness and great, grave disappointments. But before we all ring in what will hopefully be a much perkier and upbeat 2011, I thought I’d take the time to apologize to some people whose feelings I may have hurt this year. Presenting my Giant List of 2010 Apologies.

Sincere “I’m Sorries” to the following people and things:

• To Lindsay Lohan. For calling you an assh*le on the red carpet at the MTV Movie Awards. Bright side? I did say “Nice pants.”


(link)



• To All The Dogs At Westminster. We are sorry your owners have in-breeded you to the point of r-tardation and that we laugh at your pain. On the bright side, we would crush you to death with affection. (link)





• To Glee. For giving up on you this season. (link)



• To Every Other Celebrity I Attacked On The Red Carpet. Especially you, Quentin Tarantino, for forcing you to look at my feet.

(link)



• To Fans of Chris Brown. I’m sorry you guys got so mad at me for posting photos of Chris Brown fake crying at the BET Awards this year. “It’s not your fault that you’re so gap-toothed.” — Mean Girls. Also, really sorry your idol likes to tenderize lady face meat with his hands. (link)





• To Twilight Fans. Look, you guys aren’t as terrifying as I may have thought. So, OK, you’re 40, you have Robert Pattinson cut-outs in your room, threw your marriage to the wind in the hopes of meeting an immortal hot British man, and, wait *rustle* did you hear that? What was that? *turns around* — Thus ending my new play, “How I Was Murdered By A Twilight Fan.” (link)





• To Jon Gosselin’s Penis. For comparing you to Megan Fox’s thumb and a poached egg. (link)





• To Jon Hamm’s Penis. For doubting you at this year’s Golden Globe Awards. (link)





• To Hayden Christensen. According to the many commenters who chimed in, you had no business being on my 25 Worst Aging Actors in Hollywood list. They like you. They really wanna f*ck like you. (link)





• To Travie McCoy. For getting you pretty much smashed during our Martini Minute together, and for also possibly offering you my hand in marriage. Fig vodka does funny things to a lady.





• To Every Other Celebrity I Interviewed For “Martini Minute.” For also getting you drunk and probably flirting with you.



• To The Babies of the Superbowl. For not being pregnant with one of you for 2011. (link)



• To A Sweet Little Girl In England. I’m sorry I called your pony ugly. Upon reassessing his appearance, I do believe he is the handsomest pony I laid eyes on in 2010. (link)





• To Regular Men Everywhere. For accusing you of not being as hot as Natalie Portman’s fiance. Some of you might be. (*side-eye*) (link)





• To Al Pacino. For Photoshopping Phil Spector’s hair unto your brilliant head in anticipation of your being cast in his life story.





• To Wendy’s. For not releasing a remix of “Chili Can Be Served With Cheese,” by far my favorite song of the year. (link)





• The 50 Creepiest Halloween Babies. You’re babies. You’re only slightly creepy during Halloween because your parents are likely super-creeps. “It’s not your fault.” — Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting (link)





• To Lifehouse. For getting to hungover to say goodbye to you at the airport following the Best Cruise Ever. Will make sure not to repeat my mistakes on this spring’s cruise. Consider this the 21st thing I learned: Do not get drunk on a work cruise. (link)





• To Dolph Lundgren. For calling you the David Hasselhoff of Swedish Television. You are way more wasted than he is. (link)





• To Jamie Foxx. For posting this GIF of you. (We kid, you should be thanking us.) (link)





• To Matthew Weiner. For repeatedly making light of your show Mad Men that clearly takes 9 soul-crushings to produce. For what it’s worth, I spent more time on my Mad Men recaps than my own college thesis. (link)





• REVERSE APOLOGY: To Matthew Weiner. For killing Miss Blankenship. Earth-shaking WTF.



• To Sal. For getting cut from Mad Men. Sure, it’s not my fault directly, but I think we all want to apologize for that bullsh*t. (link)





• The Fine People Behind the NewNowNext Awards. For wearing such a gothy gown to your stunningly fancy awards ceremony and then really blowing my perhaps only ever televised acceptance speech. I love you and thank you. (link)



• To The Many Animals We Mocked Via Animated GIFs. GIFs are no way for a dignified animal to be treated on the internet. Then again, when you’re a Horse Picasso or a brilliant Golden Retriever reenacting Children of Men, you really leave us no choice. Good luck to you guys, here’s hoping for a less Gary Abusey 2011. (link and link)





• To Aretha Franklin We posted a pun-inspired holiday card exactly one day before word broke that you have pancreatic cancer. We’re sorry for the bad timing, and want you to literally live forever and be a gospel singing OB-GYN robot delivering children in 3011. Make this wish of ours happen please. (link)





• To Ricky Martin. For making a Spanish-language cover of People Magazine announcing your sexuality. Have we mentioned we love you lately? No. We love you. (link)





• To Anne Hathaway For calling you “Man Hathaway.” (link)





• To My Mother. For sneakily writing down your every word following each episode of The Real Housewives to make the every-popular series “My Mother Recaps The Real Housewives.” (link)



• To The Real Housewives. For all the awful, horrible things my Mother said about you. (link)



• To My Mother Again. For filming you in Italy while enjoying a Kaka shirt and then posting it on the blog despite your protestations.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! SEE YOU IN 2011!

Follow me on Twitter.

Follow BWEtv on Twitter.
Brought to you by: at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)