Thursday, January 6, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

The Taiwanese Animation Of Brett Favre’s Penis Is Oscarworthy

Posted: 06 Jan 2011 02:56 AM PST

Sorry, Pixar, but your Best Animated Feature Oscar streak is about to come to an end — the Taiwanese animators behind the ridiculous cartoonizations of U.S. pop culture news have released their latest bon mot, an animated representation of Brett Favre’s latest sexual harassment allegations:

I was about to joke that someone should make a porno about a character whose d*ck is a gun, but after one millisecond of thought, I’m absolutely positive that 400 of those films exist, and I don’t want to jeopardize my job by Googling it to find the exact number. Or would I be doing my job better, because I’d be being more thorough? DONE. I’m looking at porn all afternoon.

(via Deadspin)

Naked Adam Levine Is Naked!

Posted: 06 Jan 2011 08:01 AM PST

Adam Levine, lead singer for Maroon 5, posed pretty much nude for the February issue of Cosmo, just missing the deadline for Our 10 Favorite Shirtless Moments of 2010. He’s posing thusly to encourage men to regularly get checked for testicular and prostate cancer. Men: Cosmo’s core audience. This is girl porn is what it is. And no one is complaining. Sure, veil girl porn in a social message. I don’t care. Everyone wins. Once Adam Levine was in the VH1 offices and I could not even look at him because I did not trust myself to keep it together. And I can keep it together. He’s just really attractive, this man. As evidenced by the below photo.

More pics after the jump, which I would pretty conclusively say are NSFW.



Via D Listed

I Dare You Not To Laugh At This Dirty Lord Of The Rings Audiobook Remix

Posted: 06 Jan 2011 02:51 AM PST

Someone has taken the Lord Of The Rings audiobook and diced it up to make a really dirty remix, The Lord of the Books of the 55 Arse-Hymens of Stone. It is incredibly long and the humor is incredibly middle-schooley, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t laugh at this way harder and way longer than I probably should’ve.

Fortunately, I abandoned my sense of false dignity sometime around this post, so I have no problems passing this along. Enjoy! (NSFW, inasmuch as British-accented Fantasy can be):

(thanks, Lee R!)

Cleveland Cavaliers Offer Job To Homeless Guy With Awesome Voice

Posted: 06 Jan 2011 01:55 AM PST

Just one day after Noah’s post “Someone Get This Homeless Guy On The Radio” — in reference to the now internet-famous homeless guy Ted Williams (relation!) with an incredible announcer voice — the Cleveland Cavaliers have, in fact, gotten this homeless guy on the radio. The NBA franchise has offered Williams full-time voiceover work with the Cavaliers and with Quicken Loans, who will also finance a house for him.

LeBron James Void = FILLED:

Newest Jersey Shore Cast Member Deena Cortese Dishes On The Situation’s Peen And “Lean Cuisines”

Posted: 05 Jan 2011 03:47 PM PST

When we last checked in with the inmates housemates of Jersey Shore, the lovable Macaroni Rascals were preparing to ditch the rainy environs of Miami for the sunnier pastures of the native(ish) stomping grounds in Sleazeside Heights. As The Sitch so eloquently put it, “It's over. Smile, take a drink, have a cigarette, have some brownies. Give the cat a meatball.”

So, after two months and change of feeding every stray feline that we’ve come across from the bag of meatballs we have kept at our side since The Situation implored us to, it’s almost time to spend the next dozen or so Thursdays glued to the TV watching the exploits of everyone’s favorite self-proclaimed guidos and guidettes: Sitch, Snooki, DJ Pauly D, Captain Smush, Sammi Sweetheart and J-WOWW. Oh, lest we forget, we bid a fond farewell to DJ Trashbagz last season, which means that it’s time to get acquainted with the Shore’s newest Herpes victim cast member, Deena Cortese! We caught up with Snooki’s BFF and season three newbie earlier today when she popped by our offices here in NYC for an interview on Jump Start Live, our new morning show. We pressed the girl Sammi Sweetheart described as a “short little meatball” for answers on whether or not The Situation showed her his after she showed him hers, how she’s going to fare in the Jersey Shore Catchphrase Countdown, and what kind of guy classifies as a “Lean Cuisine.” Enjoy!

The New Starbucks Logo: We Know That You Know That We’re Starbucks

Posted: 05 Jan 2011 01:46 PM PST

So we’re taking away our name on the cup!

That’s cool. It’s not a Pepsi or Gap disaster. Though, I fail to see the point. Were the Starbucks execs sitting around and said, “We have too much money. Let’s pay a branding firm an exorbitant amount to slightly tweak our image and maybe try and make us less recognizable. If such a thing is possible!!!” (Hearty laughter for ten minutes, wiping happy tears away with hundred dollar bills)

Via HuffPo

Justin Bieber’s Vanity Fair Shoot Jumps On His Hipster Glasses Look

Posted: 05 Jan 2011 01:49 PM PST

Arbiter of class Vanity Fair, clearly aware that Justin Bieber is not going away, a la Lady Gaga, is putting him on their February cover. Here’s a behind the scenes video they put together of his photo shoot. As you will see, their stylist liked very much when Bieber busted out the hipster glasses and styled him, among other things (chest baring checkers player being one of them) as one of the original hipsters, Buddy Holly. Or Buddy Holly-ish.

Little girls are cute with their crushes. Especially if they’re wearing tiny sweater sets. Until, you know, they start with the death threats.

HAYRAPET: The Sexiest Armenian Male Model

Posted: 05 Jan 2011 10:54 AM PST

So sometimes, for fun, I Google search “Armenian Male Models” because the results are almost 7 out of 5 times super-surprising. And this week’s search was no exception, as I’ve come across perhaps the most enchanting Armenian male model of all time. Meet Hayrapet:

6’1″, a 31 inch waist, 37 inch hips… Wait, what? Hold on, is Hayrapet actually Coco Tea? We digress. He’s a size XL and has a name that almost sounds like a perverted sexual fantasy invitation. Though judging by his photo I’m pretty sure a more appropriate name for him would have been “Heyrapist” or “Haycooljacketdude.”

On the bright side Armenian men come equipped with 15,000 abs:

And enough sleeveless shirts to last him throughout the year, or at the very least, the day:

Oh Hayrapet, you’re the Hayrapetiest!

Unforget Who Toni Braxton Is

Posted: 05 Jan 2011 11:02 AM PST

Remember Toni Braxton? You know, the singer who sang Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton in 1996. You know it. “Undo the hurt chacha caused when you walked out the door…” That song. Anyway, if you follow Toni Braxton on Twitter (submitting this for the Big Ifs Awards), you would have seen last night that she tweeted this:

So, what do you guys think?! Haha, just kidding. Literally none of you care. How many ideas does the editorial team at Playboy have to run out of before they settle one a Toni Braxton offer? The only way this is acceptable is if they pose her on a Delorian under the headline “Braxton the Future.” If someone out there wants to photoshop this in their spare time, please feel free to do so.

Fiddler On The Roof Gets Served

Posted: 05 Jan 2011 10:29 AM PST

You think You Got Served already went quietly into the night? You think everyone’s already been served? Several times over? THINK AGAIN. Because you know who hasn’t yet been served? Mother effing Topol hasn’t been served and it’s about time he was. It’s The Fiddler On The Roof + You Got Served Mashup!! Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemiiiiiiiiiiiiiiix!!

Via Buzzfeed

“Do You Have My Test Results, Doctor?” — Llama

Posted: 05 Jan 2011 10:16 AM PST

It’s the most adorable time of year!!! It’s that time where underpaid and overworked London Zoo staff (that woman’s face speaks volumes) take “animalstock” of the various creatures roaming the property. And most of the animals could not care less about the event.

But not the llamas. The llamas are quite, some might say overly, concerned with the results of the annual animalstock findings. Like the above fellow, who we’d gladly love to have reading the NY Post over our shoulder on a morning subway commute. But he’s not alone, as in fact all of the llamas wanted in on the date:

On second thought, this process just went from adorable to terrifyingly adorable. I f*cking love llamas.

[Photos via Splash]

Lost Numbers Win $150 For Some People

Posted: 05 Jan 2011 10:10 AM PST

If you are a huge Lost geek and week after week, you play 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 (the numbers that appear repeatedly in Lost) as your lottery numbers… wait, sorry. Before that sentence continues, it should be pointed out how incredibly stupid that is. Hurley’s life was complete crap after he won using those numbers, and then he ended up crash landing on some sort of gate-to-hell ghost island of death and getting hit on the head with the backs of guns. So, I don’t know why you would be a fan of Lost AND play those numbers on purpose. Seems like a bad idea! But, anyway, people who play those numbers wound up winning $150 each from last night’s Mega Millions Jackpot.

The Lost numbers would have given you three regular numbers and the power ball number, which apparently is good enough to win you a little bit of money. Great job, everybody who won. Go by an Oceanic airline ticket now. I’m sure it’ll work out really well for you.

Thanks, Celebuzz.

Courtney Love Deep In A Twitter Hole

Posted: 05 Jan 2011 09:27 AM PST

Courtney Love is getting sued over her Twitter feed. Reports NME:

The Hole singer, who is a prolific user of Twitter, posted a series of tweets criticising fashion designer Dawn Simorangkir via her page, Twitter.com/courtneyloveuk.

Love has allegedly accused Simorangkir of being a drug-pushing prostitute with a history of assault and battery who lost custody of her own child. Love wrote: “She has received a vast amount of money from me over $40,000 dollars and I do not make people famous and get raped too!”

Wait, whom is she calling a “drug-pushing prostitute with a history of assault and battery who lost custody of her own child”? Simorangkir or herself? I do love a Love Tweet. However, let’s call a spade a spade, Love, and say that your record is not so much flawless as not. You know, drug/sexing/assault/losing custody of child-wise. Please don’t kill me. Unless it’s the sex competition that leads to my death that we were talking about earlier.

Love’s lawyer, James Janowitz said: “We don’t believe there’s any defamation, and even if there were defamatory statements, there was no damage.”

There were no defamatory statements. BUT EVEN IF THERE WERE, even though there WASN’T, there was no damage. So THERE. God speed to you, James Janowitz. The cool thing is that this is the first lawsuit of its kind, in that she is the first celebrity to be sued over her Twitter. I hope it goes all the way to the Supreme Court and ends up as precedent that law students cite. “In the case of Simorangkir vs. Love we see that when the defendant is clearly unstable, her Twitter feeds are rendered moot for reasons of insanity and she cannot be charged with defamation. Also, side angle side.”‘ That’s how law students talk, right?
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