Friday, January 14, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

R. Kelly Sings Happy Birthday To Himself

Posted: 14 Jan 2011 08:14 AM PST

Here’s R. Kelly singing happy birthday to himself while apparently standing in for LeBron James on some kind of “King James” themed GQ shoot (or just doing his weekday throne-singin’). He is so down to earth at the end:

Turn that SH*T off, man. Why are you filming me singing that SH*T in its entirety? I was just sittin’ in this SH*T, singing SH*T to myself about my day of birth SH*T — I did not intend for that SH*T to be filmed. Don’t upload that SH*T to Twitter and send it out to millions of people, and definitely don’t try to make that SH*T viral by havin’ people send that SH*T to each other on their birthdays SH*T. Also, do not remember to tag that SH*T for Google optimization.

I’m gettin’ too pissjoke for this SH*T.

Stay Puft Marshmallow Snowman Demands Ghostbusters 3

Posted: 13 Jan 2011 03:00 PM PST

DO YOU HEAR THAT, BILL MUR-RAY?

Jackass Boys + Inception: It’s Gonna Be One Hell Of A Critic’s Choice Movie Awards

Posted: 13 Jan 2011 01:35 PM PST

Tomorrow night, VH1 will air what is sure to be an even crazier and perhaps more “slizzered” awards show than even the notorious Hollywood frat party that is the Golden Globes. That’s because the Critic’s Choice Movie Awards will be shown live tomorrow night at 9 PM ET (8 PM for red carpet things).

So what are some of the things you can expect tomorrow night? How about appearances by Matt Damon, Quentin Tarantino, Julianne Moore, Arnie Schwarzies and dozens of other big-time stars?? And how about parody vids of all the Best Picture nominees courtesy of Johnny Knoxville and gang? These are rhetorical questions, of course, you can expect all of these things. But most importantly, someone’s balls in Black Swan eyemakeup. Oh, and Bam Margera gets naked. FOR REAL.

I’ll be tweeting the entire show live from my Twitter handle @michcoll along with a slew of other award show experts, which you can check out by heading over to VH1.com! Join in the fun and keep us company!!!

And tune in at 8/7c for the Critics' Choice Awards red carpet extravaganza, hosted by La La Vazquez and Tim Kash. Maroon 5 is this year's house band.

ADORABLE TOWNE: Crowd Helps Girl Sing National Anthem

Posted: 13 Jan 2011 01:34 PM PST

Here’s a young lady singing the National Anthem at a hockey game, but the sound cuts out a little over halfway through and she stops. UHOH – cruel, embarrassing internet shame video coming up? WRONG. Most adorable video EVER, that’s what’s coming up.

I’ll be dag gummed if this video didn’t bring a big ol’ tear to my eye (saying dag gummed more was my New Year’s resolution):

The woman who laughed at 1:31 is actually this girl’s Angelica-like rival who thinks she’s about to finally foil the girl, before being ultimately proven wrong and defeated. Then she falls into a pile of manure and the movie goes “Wahh woowwww!” Haha! Enjoy your comeuppance, manure lady!

(via Puck Daddy)

The Only 6 Cross-Eyed Possum GIFs You’ll Ever Need

Posted: 13 Jan 2011 12:55 PM PST

Meet Heidi the Cross-Eyed Opussum. Or, as Germany calls her, das schielende Opossum Heidi. She’s a German zoo sensation, a lazy-eyed creature who is reaching Knut-levels of fame in Germany. And you know what that means…. Cross-Eyed Opossum GIF Party!!!!

And our favorite:

Must see hilarious Today Show video about Heidi the Cross-Eyed Opossum ahead, including one screencap that has easily made this day worth living:

“Our opussum has cross-eyes and dat’s vhy people ah smiling und laughing about the animal.”

TOP CHEF RECAP: We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Elimination Of Jamie

Posted: 13 Jan 2011 01:23 PM PST

This week’s nautical-themed episode of Top Chef All-Stars is titled “We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Boat”. Guest Judge? This Guy:

Some suggestions for future episodes based on topical movie quotes:

- Are You Cookin’ To Me?

- Show Me The Foody!

- I Know It Was You, Colicchio, You Broke My Beef Heart

- Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates, Also Scallops

- It Doesn’t Take Much To See That The Problems Of Three Little People Don’t Amount To A Hill Of Delicious Beans In This Crazy World

- I am Spartacus!

Seriously, though, who still titles things after Jaws quotes? Oh right, this post. Fine. But I have a great explanation for that – I’m a generally useless person.

Enough critical film analysis, it’s time to CAP some RE:

Jamie continues to remain on the show, even though she’s only made one dish this season and it was a Ho-Ho out of the Natural History Museum vending machine. Marcel, understandably, is pissed…at Dale? Whoa, what’d he do?

Marcel pounds liquor out of the bottle and rips on Dale with some 8 Mile freestyle bustin’:

Marcel blames Dale for not making enough plates during last week’s Dim Sum failure, and the two of them (and Tre - ?) swear a whole lot. Are Marcel and Dale perhaps consciously playing up the rivalry to keep themselves on the show longer? They’re both good enough to deserve to stay on, but the answer to this is still doy.

This week, we only have one Quickfire…THERE ARE NO QUICKFIRES!!!

The chefs are woken up at like 4 am three days ago for a mysterious purpose, and they are grouchy and not happy about it. Until they find out they’ll be fishing in BEAUTIFUL MONTAUK POINT (repeat x 10), then they’re instantly ecstatic and not tired — did anyone catch the shot of Montauk presenting that giant novelty check to Tom? I think it went by in one frame, like that d*ck in Little Mermaid. Padma calls Montauk “The most popular fishing spot in New York.” More popular than West 47th Street??? I find that hard to believe.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs will have to catch as many fish as they can and prepare those fish for a beach party. It’s also a New York Cheesecakin’ Double Elimination Week, meaning that someone will go home in addition to Jamie. Hop on board the Sea Wife IV and let’s get started!

Personally, I think Sea Wife went way downhill after II, but I’m just not a big Brett Ratner fan.

Also, there’s a giant fake shark on the dock and it scares Angelo, because it’s not prepared Asianly enough:

Angelo mentions that because of Jaws, he doesn’t even go into pools anymore. Particularly pools with huge great white sharks in them. This dude’s seriously gonna be in the finale? Better hope the final challenge isn’t “Do the best dive into this pool of your life.”

The next 75 hours consist of the chefs taking turns whimsically fishing — the ladies have instant success, while Richard is struggling to hit the fish with his liquid nitrogen cannon. The fishing sequence also gives the guys ample opportunity to pretend to jerk each other off:

Pretty much everyone ends up catching a fish — come to Montauk! — especially Dale, whose dad was an angler so he’s really out to make him proud (and also my wife has cancer keep me on the show plz thks!)

By the way, nice fish-catchin’ face, poindexter!

Dale’s comical super-struggle shuts everyone up, though, when it results in the biggest catch of the day, making his father proud:

A lot of the episode is just people fishing, a thing that’s kind of boring to actually do, let alone watch. What do you think of the episode so far, Tudors Promo?

The chefs congregate at Water Taxi Beach in Queens (go there, it’s nice) for an upscale ‘fish fry’, and we’re presented with several instant Top Chef red flags:

1) Marcel, Richard, and Fabio are only making one dish. Seriously, guys – do you not already hear your inner-Colicchios ripping on you for copping out? Fabio explains that even if they lose, it’ll be tougher to pick one out to eliminate – “Iz sykalojucal warffklneglgr!”

Fabio — who’s actually been cooking well the last few weeks — also spends the episode completely tagging along with Richard, keeping in the nautical theme by playing the little protected leftover-eating fish to Richard’s sea turtle. Fabio explains, “There is no rock star without the backstage people, and that’s what I’m doing today.” Yeah, but if you’re a roadie, you’re not gonna win Top Rock Star. Though you might win Top Tight Motorhead T-Shirt.

2) Marcel and Richard add a foam to their dish. You might as well have just used the foam to spell out the phrase “I don’t know why the foam needed to be there”.

3) Jamie’s team is doing terribly. Usually a red flag.

Tre, who’s been in the bottom for two straight weeks, hops on the sympathy train in a touching moment where he calls his wife “also my best friend” and says he wants to get back to her soon. Awww – if this were an action movie, he’d be so shot this week.

The guest judge for FishFest 2KElevfish is South Gate’s Kerry Heffernan. Sorry, Rick Moonen!

The judges really enjoy the food this week, especially Dale’s fish tacos, even though Tom is skeptical because Dale didn’t make his own tortillas. Seriously? They have like nine minutes to cook a full dinner on a beach, and you’re unhappy the tortillas aren’t homemade? You do know that a group of five elderly large-upper-bodied women in Central America roll the entire world’s tortilla supply, right?

The judges also enjoy Angelo’s “Beautiful bass, with a beautiful dressing, in a beautiful bowl for beautiful judges for a beautiful show on a beautiful network sponsored by beautiful Swanson.” Michael Isabella later laughs at Angelo for wanting to talk to some girl, because she’s not a secret mysterious Russian bride. Kerry Heffernan also loves Carla’s porgy, even though it’s “not a noble fish”. Nice to see that divine right remains alive and well within the seafood cheffing community.

The diners also really enjoy the food, especially Beach Dick Tracy:

Results coming up, but first, DVR Buster! Dale thinks if Angelo was a fish, he’d be a mermaid, the “siren of the sea.” You can just say he’s gay, Dale. It’s Bravo. None of us are judging.

THE WINNERS: Dale, Carla, Tre / Angelo, Mike, Tiffany D

Dale gets high praise for his fish taco, which Kerry calls “a perfect dish for this beach,” then says that the winner of the competition is the one that’s a perfect dish for this beach, Carla’s Smoked Blue Fish with Lettuce Wrap, Pickled Watermelon Rind, Shallots Radish, and Bagel Croutons. Nice twist there, Bravo, having Kerry say the exact phrase he used to compliment Dale’s dish before announcing the winner then having it not be Dale’s dish.

Either way, Carla seemed to deserve it and she’s needed a good week for a while, and Dale’s been on a mini roll. Angelo’s been strong all season, but Tre, Tiffany D, and Mike seem to be coasting by and will likely all be on the chopping block (food!) in the next few weeks.

Congrats, Carla! Do the Goin’ to Amsterdam Dance!

THE LOSERS: Jamie, Tiffani F, Antonia / Marcel, Richard, Fabio

Well, we know Jamie’s gone, cause she cooked her one and a halfthest dish of the season and it was bad. The judges cruelly inform Antonia that if her teammates hadn’t sucked, she’d probably be going to Amsterdam (Jamie is still ruining sh*t from beyond the grave), so she’s obviously safe, plus Richard is the season favorite, Marcel is doing well and is too controversial to eliminate, and Fabio is Fabio and won’t be let go until his food kills a producer.

Antonia starts crying again, because she lost a trip to Amsterdam because Jamie is retarded doesn’t want her teammates to go!

Padma agrees, “We don’t want to send anyone home either. Wait, no, then we’d just all be like hanging out and doing real specific food challenges, that’d be weird. Never mind, we really do want to eliminate people.”

So, it really looks like it’s gonna be Jamie and Tiffani leaving. Padma declares “Tiffani, pack your knives and go.” That killed the suspense, cause the other one’s got to be Jamie, right? “Oh yeah, Jamie, you’re also gone. Did I not say that yet? Sorry, thought I did. Yeah, you superlost. Knives, go, bye.”

Jamie leaves the show with one final failure, saying “I think [Richard's team] doing only one dish is a cop-out.” You know what’s even more of a cop-out, Jamie? Cooking ZERO dishes. It’s more of a cop-out by a factor of precisely one dish. Which, divided by zero, is undefined times more of a cop-out. You suck undefined times more than those guys.

Updated Finale Prediction:

1) Richard
2) Angelo
3) Dale
4) Marcel
5) Carla

Next To Go: Tre, Michael, Tiffany D, Antonia, Fabio

Overall, decent episode this week — even though the fishing went forever, it was still at least different, and certainly a step up from some of the really forced D.C. challenges. The Tom-cooking Quickfire and the Dim Sum failures last week were super watchable too, and now with Jamie gone, it’s really a pretty strong, pretty wide-open field. Bravo also seems to really be listening to viewers’ grievances this year — no shopping montages, less time spent on pointless house interactions, less super-arbitrary challenges, and higher-stakes individual weeks. Overall, it’s been a really solid season. I owe you $5, Top Chef.

Plus as long as the show keeps churning out top-notch foreshadowing screenshots like this one, I’m on board:

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A Little Bit Of Heaven Trailer Is A Lot Of Terrible

Posted: 13 Jan 2011 11:26 AM PST

Kate Hudson romcoms: They come out about five times a year. Sometimes they are sort of entertaining. Many times they are awful. But they are basically always the same. UNTIL NOW. Check out this twist:

It’s cancer. The twist is cancer. Plus Whoopi Goldberg as God. So it’s basically How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days meets Ghost meets My Life meets Beaches? Meets the heaven set from Lovely Bones? Sort of? Plus Gael García Bernal? No, no thank you. Though, I am curious to see how they tackle the whole “breaking of the Hippocratic Oath” thing, other than by a stern talking to from the mean grandfather from The O.C.

On a personal note, Gael García Bernal, please stop making these movies. I thought that Letters to Juilet was a blip, but now this? I know the paycheck is probably alluring, but you are BETTER THAN THIS. Y Tu Mama Tambien better. Speaking of, can you get Diego Luna to call me? K thnx.

Personal Note The Second: I realllllly hate it when the leading lady is meant to be witty but her witticisms are just bitchy. Like, when Hudson says to Bernal that she’d prefer someone funny to tell her a joke, that’s a bitchy thing to say. Not funny bitchy. Just bitchy.

And finally, I think it’s in Kate Hudson’s contract that in each of her movies someone must utter these words about her: “To the youngest, hottest, Vice President in the history of (her chosen profession in the film)”

So who wants to see this with me?

Michael Cera And Tony Danza Go For Fro Yo

Posted: 13 Jan 2011 09:22 AM PST

Is Cera a new student on Teach: Tony Danza?

Man I hope so. We’ll get Noah to research this more thoroughly. Either way, this pairing is APPROVED. Also, is that Martin Starr with them? Where are Apatow and Rogen? WHAT is AFOOT??
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