Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Randy Jackson Does Austin Powers; Idol Season Already Ruined

Posted: 19 Jan 2011 09:12 AM PST

Are you ready for the revamped, retooled season of AmericAWWWWW man, that’s it, the season is already over. Pack it up.

The Idol Season 10 promo just featured Randy Jackson doing an Austin Powers impression. There couldn’t be a more clear, concise summation of precisely why the coming season will suck:

(Thanks Nate Kushner for the DVR eagle-eye)

Not Fair: Prince Serenades Leighton Meester

Posted: 19 Jan 2011 09:11 AM PST


Listen, Meester. You can’t be Leighton Meester and be serenaded by Prince. You have to pick one. It’s either one or the other.

And Prince! Know your Meesters. When you serenade someone, it should be some regular Courtney Cox Joe who shelled out a ton of money to see you, not some starlet who most likely got the tickets for free. Then again, there’s probably some comfort in the knowledge that Meester won’t kick you in the face.

Just Jared

Video: Mile High Proposal Club

Posted: 19 Jan 2011 08:10 AM PST

Guys, it’s all going to be OK. You know how it seems like things won’t be OK? Consider this video wherein a man proposes to his flight attendant girlfriend as they fly from Lisbon to Barcelona.

First, I want to fly to Lisbon to Barcelona. Now. Even without the proposal, it’s still the best flight ever. Because you were just in Lisbon and then you get to go to Barcelona. Second, everyone is beautiful. Everyone. Third, yay, love! Though, I hope he did it towards the end of the flight because what if that sweet scene played itself out but there was still some time to go and you were a passenger and you really needed a ginger ale and you’d have to be all, “Um, may I have some ginger ale? No ice. There’s enough ice on your finger! Congrats!!! But, seriously, I really need a ginger ale. So if you could do that…” You’d be a huge jerk! Then again, to fly without ginger ale would be terrible. She’d probably understand that.

Telegraph

Best Coast’s “Crazy For You” Is The Top Cat-Directed Vid Of 2011 So Far

Posted: 19 Jan 2011 07:55 AM PST

Here’s the video for Best Coast’s “Crazy For You”, directed by the lead singer’s cat, Snacks (who has way more Twitter followers than I do). While the objective blogger part of me is slightly confused by a LOLcat-themed music video in the year 2011, the much larger part of me that can’t not laugh at fake animal paws kept laughing at the fake animal paws. Verdict: Fake furry thumbs up.

The cat’s all like, “Ladies – You’ve just recorded your first…NUMBER ONE. Meow.”

(via Vulture)

We’re all Sexually Attracted To This Cow, Right?

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 05:40 PM PST

Come on. Do you see it? No?

Now, we can’t be sure whether it’s a male or female cow. Or maybe we can. Do only male cows have horns? WHATEVER. It doesn’t matter. Once you’re attracted to a cow, gender is moot. Nobody is ever like, “I think he likes cows. But like… BOY cows. Ewwww.” You don’t get any extra anti-props for being attracted to the wrong gender once you’ve already made the jump to person/cow dating. Just do your thing, and let haters be haters. Now, what do you say you go ahead and give this cow a call. Look at him. He wants it. Ladies? Guys?

Via Reddit.

My Review Of Skins In The Immortal Words Of Danny Glover

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 02:18 PM PST

So I watched the premiere of the U.S. Skins on MTV last night, while sucking a Werther’s Original from inside my Grandpapa’s cardigan pocket. There was Tony, the main dude with a really small mouth, who was being filmed for an episode of Hoarders, where his treasure trove is actually hundreds of thousands of skanks. I made it through the first 20 minutes, and had to change the channel because I looked into the mirror and realized I am an adult woman who owns her own couch and television and can do what she wants.

Those of you wishing to read a review of this show, I offer you my feelings in the following video compilation courtesy of Daniel Worthington Glover (Danny Glover):

Waitttttt a minnnnnnute. I just realized Skins airs on VH1 sister network MTV. Allow me to redact the above video review and instead use this Danny Glover GIF from Dreamgirls to express my undying devotion to both Skins and the network that puts food on my table:

Never leave me, xo, Michelle.

Sega Toylet: The Japanese Toilet Game You Literally Pee Into

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 02:09 PM PST

And the Award for Japanniest Japan That Ever Japanned 2011 goes to…the Sega Toylet! A new game system attached to urinals in Japan that you play by literally peeing into it and having the game measure your stream!

The games are currently being tested in four locations in Tokyo, with each Toylet offering four games to choose from:

There's the "Graffiti Eraser": The stronger the stream, the more cyberwalls you can clean up.

Or try "Milk From Nose." This is a multiplayer game. Your stream is measured against those of previous users and translated into milk blown from a character's nose. The strongest nose-blowers pushes the opponent out of a ring, and we have a winner. Your opponent need not be present to play.

Another game equates stream strength with a gust of wind blowing the dress off a girl.

Sounds amazing! And that dress-blowing game is so Japan, it is now literally the Prime Minister of Japan. Also, the Toylet is being announced the same week as Starbucks’ new Trenta size?? That’s called serendipipee, folks.

Additional mind-blowing Toylet graphic, courtesy of Akihabara News:

BREAKING: Regis Philbin Has A Bangin’ Body

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 01:37 PM PST

Today, Regis Philbin made the heartbreaking announcement that after 600 years of being on the air, he’s finally going to retire to live out the remainder of his blessed life with his beloved wife Joy.

So it seems prophetic that on this day, the day of days where it seems everyone is reminiscing their favorite Regis moments (I have hundreds), a photo of Regis posing shirtless while at the doctor surfaces. And y’all… he is cut:

THE MONEYSHOT

By the way, before you jump down my throat for the close-up, there was a photo of him with his pants around his ankles laying face down on a table. I’ve seen it, and it’s kind of like The Ring, where I’m pretty sure I’m now going to be killed by Regis Philbin’s ass. As in, a knife between the butt cheeks. You stare at those nipples and you THANK ME.

[Photos: Splash News]

Now, If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have To Watch A Bunch Of People Say “Now, If You’ll Excuse Me”

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 01:01 PM PST

Everyone likes it when somebody finds a phrase that is used in many movies and then edits all those phrases together into one video. Everyone likes it. NO EXCEPTIONS. These videos serve the purpose of pointing out lazy writing and dialogic short cuts. They shine a bright light on cliches and make screen writers more self aware of when they bypass the hard work of making a character sound real. And that’s why everyone likes these videos.

“We like them!” – Everyone

Now, if you’ll excuse yourself, you have to be watching this video now.

Thanks, The High Definite.

Julie Chen Horrified By Little Girl Singing About Her Booty

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 12:32 PM PST

Oh yay!! Little Eden from Toddlers & Tiaras appeared on midday CBS lady talk show The Talk! And guess what she’s doing? What else? Singing a song about her booty.

You can almost hear Julie Chen cranking the lock on her and Les Moonves’ underground apocalypse bunker. And before you say anything — yes, they have one. Moonves and Chen will be the only survivors.

And Eden may be cute now, but tack on 40 years, 9,000 packs of cigarettes, and a Bravo camera crew, and she starts looking awfully familiar…

We’ll see you next Millennium, Kim Zolciak the Third.

New Starbucks “Trenta” Size Is Bigger Than Your Stomach

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 02:36 PM PST

Starbucks announced that they’ll be releasing a new even larger cup size, the 30.9 ounce “Trenta”, topping their current “Venti” size by more than 10 ounces. “Trenta? Venti? Hoo-hah? Viagra? Remember when you could just order a COFFEE???” – A comedian on a stage right this second somewhere.

The internet has responded to this news with the following graphic pointing out that the proposed Trenta holds more liquid than the average human stomach (click for Full Size):

Your initial reaction is supposed to be, “OH MAN it’s bigger than a stomach! Starbucks is literally forcing us to die.”

The graphic becomes less of a big deal when you remember that the large drink size at every fast food place is 32 fl. ounces, which converts to 946 mL, or 30 mL larger than the Starbucks Trenta. So basically this super-viral OMG STARBUCKS!!! graphic is pointing out that another chain is releasing another cup that is disgustingly large. [Also, as commenter Tiffany points out, the Venti iced size is 24 oz (709 mL), and the 20 oz. / 591 mL size displayed on the graphic is for hot drinks, so it's not even as drastic an increase as the graphic suggests]

It’s still giant and unnecessary, sure, but it’s not worth everyone online peeing themselves like it’s some unprecedented leap in human gluttony. Or at least, not peeing yourselves any more than you already do after a Venti. Boom! Just got a gig opening for that comedian in the first paragraph.

Fun Google Game: Image Search Results For Different Kinds Of Assh*les

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 11:32 AM PST

There are all types of assh*les: dumb assh*les, stupid assh*les, even know-nothing assh*les. The thing about assh*les, though, is that people very rarely search for them. People mostly avoid assh*les, and they certainly don’t Google them. Well, today, that all changes. Today, we do Google image searches for different kinds of assh*les. Let’s see what happens. First up: plain old “assh*le.”

1.) Assh*le

Wow. That guy is TOTALLY an assh*le. I mean, the image probably only appears by way of the search because the guy’s head is in an assh*le, but, even if it’s on accident, Google really knocked it out of the park with this one.

2.) Complete Assh*le

Yes, absolutely. Let’s continue.

3.) Idiot Assh*le

This one works on two levels. First of all, the guy in the picture — clearly an idiot assh*le. Just look at that idiot assh*le. And then, second of all, the guy who did the photoshop speech bubble and text — also an idiot assh*le. He’s conflating some kind of statement about obesity with some kind of message about war? I mean, this guy is really brushing up against the edge of being a stupid assh*le. But in fairness, it’s not like he ever made a person so sick in a 1978 hospital that it inspired that person to write an angry song about him on paper with his own hospital’s letterhead. That would for sure push him into stupid assh*le territory.

4.) Stupid Assh*le (click to enlarge)

Wow. That doctor must have been a real medical assh*le.

5.) Medical Assh*le

Oh, yikes. Sorry. Google went a little more literal on that one.

And this last one is a bit of a cheat because technically it is the third image result instead of the first, but it still seemed important.

6.) Carrot Eating Assh*le

Alriiiiiight.

So that is all. Please feel free to try to Google some assh*les on your own, and let us know what you find. But do so at your own peril. Sometimes you just end up looking at a butth*le.

Girl Knocked Out Of Wheelchair On Spanish Soap Opera

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 01:39 PM PST

You know, a thought that will often cross my mind while watching American soap operas… is that not enough people are getting knocked out of their wheelchairs. Well God bless the Spanish, because they hired a very obviously deranged woman to do exactly that (Ed. Note: i.e. My new favorite actress). Now, I don’t speak Spanish, as every Spanish teacher I’ve ever had can attest, but here is what I take away from this scene:

• Daughter in wheelchair gets a kiss on the cheek.
• Her Mother catches them and loses her sh*t.
• An epic fight breaks out.
• Girl gets knocked out of wheelchair.
• The gates of hell open, a maid gets her head slammed against a wall, Paulie D shows up, and I think someone gets murdered.
• All in 3 minutes!

I have watched it probably 22 times and it actually improves with each viewing. Would someone care to translate exactly what is being said?

(Thanks to Jorge Viveros for the link!)

UPDATE: OMFG. Jorge translated it in the comments. Going to get a master’s degree in Spanish for the sole purpose to enjoy this clip in its native tongue.

The 7 Worst Regis Philbin Impressions

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 11:08 AM PST

Regis Philbin announced today that he’ll be retiring after the current season of Live With Regis & Kelly. To honor the man whose incredible longevity and slightly yelly voice has inspired a Nicholsonlike amount of bad imitators, we’ve scoured the web (“scoured” = 3 seconds of Googling) to present you this list of the 7 Worst Regis Philbin Impressions On The Internet, ranked from worst to also-worst.

Let the tediousness begin:


7. This Aflac Guy


6. Points McGee


5. Ben Affleck’s Classic Good-Bad

(With bonus actually-good Morgan Freeman)


4. Jim Flaherty, Pepsi CEO


3. Quiet, Mumbly Regis


2. Stand-Up Guy


1. Him

CAPTION THIS: Brigitte Nielsen Looks Stunning!

Posted: 18 Jan 2011 10:02 AM PST

This is Dolph Lundgren, star of our favorite movie, 1995 Best Picture winner Johnny Mnemonic, leaving a restaurant in LA with positively the most sun-tanned, stunning gams we’ve seen in a long while. And boy, does he love showing them off. And guess what? If I was 53 years old and Dolph Lundgren and had those legs, I’d also show that sh*t off whenever possible. My Granpappy used to call that G-String Wednesdays. He died doing what he loved: Walking around the house in a g-string on a Wednesday.

Thus concluding your Mindf*cky 1980s Flashback Photo Post of the Day.
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