Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Red Riding Hood Trailer: Twilight With A Red Hood

Posted: 17 Nov 2010 09:32 AM PST

You know what would’ve made a good sketch? A fake trailer for the next movie by the director of Twilight, and she just takes some memorable but uninteresting story like Little Red Riding Hood, adapts it into a movie, and it turns out to just be exactly Twilight but one character is wearing a red hood.

Too bad Catherine Hardwicke beat us to it, by actually making the movie:

Also, it’s just called “Red Riding Hood” — ya know theze kids tuhday ain’t got time for no “Little”, what with their Bluetooths and their go-karts and their likin’ big things.

Bristol Palin’s Acting Oeuvre Grows: Her PSA With The Situation

Posted: 17 Nov 2010 09:06 AM PST

Much like how Sarah Palin gives me the perverse desire to spout the word “retarded” with reckless abandon, this PSA starring Bristol Palin and The Situation promoting abstinence and? or? safe sex makes me want to have a TON of unprotected sex. In the end, the loser will be me, but I have to spite them SOME HOW.

What a couple of Abbott and Costello’s! That was a regular “Who’s on First?”!!! SO MANY USES OF THE WORD SITUATION. Yet, at the same time, the entire thing seems improvised. And like they totally lost their steam in the end, as this was clearly an eight hour shoot. I really hope they relaxed afterwards with some unprotected sex.

Also, when did they agree on “Pause before you play?” That was never mentioned. Did they agree upon that at an earlier date?

Anyway, here’s the thing, Bristol. I know you’ve heard this before, but I think it bears repeating: You can’t be so rigid in promoting abstinence when you yourself did not practice it. You won’t make that mistake again???? So you acknowledge that it is an unrealistic standard to hold teens to, as you yourself could not adhere to it???? lak;djfaksdljfakldsdsalaksdjfalksdfas retarded lakdjfaldksjajdflaksjdasfalkdsjada.

Via Huffington Post

Reggie Watts Appears On Conan, Rules

Posted: 17 Nov 2010 07:53 AM PST

Reggie Watts is certainly an acquired taste, and when I see a performer under the (often meant with disdain) “indie comedy” umbrella who at first seems deliberately confusing, 9 times out of 10 I end up not liking it, but when it works, it can be legitimately transcendent. Every time I’ve seen Reggie Watts perform, I’ve been amazed.

Below, Reggie Watts makes his first appearance on the new Conan, launching into an awesome monologue of failed one-liners, followed by a hip-hop Conan theme on a looper, and finishing with a nonsensical swing number. Basically, most peoples’ standard 5-minute Conan appearance:

Top Gun + The Lord Of The Rings + Aliens = The Green Lantern Trailer

Posted: 17 Nov 2010 07:09 AM PST

I’m no comic book buff, but I think that title accurately sums up what you’re about to watch. Then again, as a self proclaimed non comic book buff, who the eff knows. Here, let’s watch:

Most unrealistic portion of this trailer? Blake Lively flying a fighter jet. Hands down.

Also, we’ve all grown accustomed to Ryan Reynolds’ charming quips as coupled with his obscenely cut body, but I feel as though these quips are a bit lackluster. I want my Just Friends Ryan Reynolds, not my The Proposal Ryan Reynolds. Also, I think Peter Skarsgard might take over the title for Wealthiest Actor Alive from Hank Azaria, as he is in everything. And those are all my thoughts on The Green Lantern trailer, and most probably the movie as a whole. You’re welcome.

BOARDWALK EMPIRE RECAP: Agent Baby Fights Back

Posted: 16 Nov 2010 03:38 PM PST

This is a Recap of Boardwalk Empire, Season 1, Episode 9, entitled “Belle Femme”. For those of you who don’t speak French, that means “Bell Lady,” and it refers to Al Capone. See, the spoilers already started.

The big question this week: Will Jimmy return to Atlantic– oh, there he is. Hey, Jimmy. He’s unexpectedly hanging out in Nucky’s office; he sent a Western Union, but Nucky didn’t get it, and Angela didn’t get it, and Van Alden didn’t get it, so who got it?

It was lost by Van Alden’s assistant, Agent Baby!

That guuuy. Whatta boob! At least he’s definitely not on the payroll, unless Nucky’s slipping him binkies.

In Jimmy’s former home, the portrait store affair guy Robert is assessing Margaret’s paintings and he’s like “Hmm, hmm, yes, I see” then tries to start a Ménage à trois with Margaret and Mary. He comes SO CLOSE, but there’s one tiny problem:



For the record (pun), record scratches didn’t used to be the universal sign of “shocking development” in the 20s, because records scratched so frequently; instead, when something crazy happened in a movie trailer, they’d play the sound of a record playing smoothly.

Anyway, Jimmy is back and reunited with his wife. How adorable, he’s basically raping her! Oh, now she made a turned-on sound and she’s into it. So it’s not rape? Hard to tell. In the 20s, you did have to rape nine people minimum for it to be a crime.

Meanwhile on the political front, Nucky is worried about the upcoming mayoral election because those Democrats are rolling out some catchy-ass slogans:

He decides that his current bumbling, corrupt puppet of a mayor just isn’t puppeting it anymore, and he decides to replace him:

Back in New York, Arnold Rothstein is still in the middle of his 2-month nonstop pool-a-thon for charity, and holds a meeting with Luciano and the D’Alessio Brothers, the Italian street thugs who shot Eli last episode. He recruits them to kill Nucky — even though Jimmy’s also in the process of trying to kill them — and in a ringing endorsement of their abilities, gets them all to sign expensive life insurance policies.

The D’Alessios agree, even though they’re pretty sure Rothstein is actually just a dude who plays pool intimidatingly round the clock:

Luciano still can’t resist sleeping with Jimmy’s mother, and sure enough, falls into her trap (in more ways than one right guys up top!)

However, just when Jimmy gets the drop on Luciano, Van Alden and Agent Baby burst in and arrest Jimmy, giving Luciano a temporary reprieve and allowing him to continue living the life we know he lives because of Wikipedia.

Van Alden attempts to interrogate Jimmy, and when Jimmy tells him he was at a movie during the liquor-robbery murders, Van Alden asks him to describe the plot. Jimmy’s like, “A guy falls down while piano music plays.” Van Alden’s like, “Dang, you nailed it. Good thing we have an ace up our sleeve – one completely unmurderable witness, held in a town where even the police dogs are on the payroll.”

Agent Baby manages to get Nucky an audience alone with Jimmy — waaaidddaminnute… Agent Baby couldn’t possibly be working for Nucky, could he? But his suit and hat are so large for him! Nucky tells Jimmy that he’ll be fine, but they’ll have to pull some illegal sh*t for him to get out. You don’t say? You, the people who have to pull illegal sh*t to get your water glasses refilled? More like, BoardSHOCK Empire!

Soon enough, Agent Baby is driving the lone witness to, I don’t know, the witness house or something, it doesn’t matter because he’s obviously not gonna get there. The Agent stops the car to pee, and the witness stares off into the ocean. At this point, I was 95% certain that witness dude was gonna get shot through the head from Jimmy’s unseen sniper friend, but, lo and behold, Agent Baby isn’t afraid to change his own diapers:

He kills the witness, then smashes his own face with a rock to make the situation look like self-defense:

Back in Atlantic City, Madame Frenchlady’s clothing shop is in danger of closing, and she begs Margaret, who she’s always loved from the getgo, to talk to Nucky and help her out. Margaret’s like, “Hang on a sec, lemmie check the dumb Photoshops from Dan Hopper’s past Recaps…”

“Aha! You DID used to hate me!” Margaret eventually does decide to help her former employee, motivated more by the discovery of her new powers than genuine altruism. She tries once to ask Nucky for help but Nucky denies her, but then later, Nucky gets her to agree to help him charm Edward Bader into running for mayor, and when she changes her tactic (aaaaacting term!) and says she wants Nucky to save the shop so she can look more beautiful, Nucky agrees. Bill Engvall then runs in and yells “Women totally train us, right men?”

Nucky and Margaret have dinner with the Baders — while Margaret wears the $450 dress she eyed at Belle Femme, which was 800 times the president’s annual salary back then — and Nucky appears to successfully convince Edward to run for mayor. All’s well that ends well.

OH NO – look out Nucky, a Rockwell painting is waiting to ambush you:

Looks like Steve Buscemi is gonna die and the series is gonna revolve entirely around Eli’s sidekick… but wait! German servant to the rescue!

Oh whew! The only person who got shot was that innocent bystander, not the ultra-corrupt murder puppeteer. Plus she even spilled blood all over Margaret’s ill-gotten dress, thus completing the symbolism. And organized crime lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Boardwalk Empire Episode 9 thoughts? Leave ‘em in the comments.

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Local News Pretends Not To Know Drunk Lady Is Funny

Posted: 16 Nov 2010 02:32 PM PST

Look at this local news report. Everyone involved in producing this segment had to know what was going on here. They knew the lady was comically drunk, they edited it for maximum effect, and they knew it would end up on YouTube. You can’t tell me that’s not what was going on here.

“You’re welcome.” – News Anchor

I appreciate an unintentionally funny thing on the news as much as everyone else, but now they’re kind of doing it on purpose. Right?  Or am I being too hard on WESH 2 News? It’s still funny, but there’s something dishonest about it. It’s like seeing a good improv show and then finding out it was scripted.

Also, I was hoping she was going to say “Instead of hitting the break, I hit the, um… bus.” I wanted that so badly for tor this WESH 2 news story.

Now as a completely separate thing, let’s list a few of the terrible puns we can guess have been in promos for this local news station.

The Wild Wild WESH

Make A WESH

WESH We Can

WESH is More

Is anyone out there from Orlando or Daytona? Can you tell me if they’ve actually used any of these. I also had Don’t Wesh With Texas on there at first, but I don’t even know what that would mean.

Thanks, Reddit.

Hahahaha! But Seriously, Guys, Don’t F*cking Do That

Posted: 16 Nov 2010 12:59 PM PST

Headline From The Huffington Post Green Section

Article available here

The Internet In Reverse: An Antoine Dodson A Capella Video

Posted: 16 Nov 2010 11:25 AM PST

For almost five years now this is how it’s worked as far as a Capella web videos go: Some a Capella group does a genuinely impressive or funny cover of a song, it gets posted to YouTube and then it goes viral. But what we have here is a video that went viral, got seen on YouTube by an a Capella group and then got covered by that a Capella group. Below is an NYU group called N’Harmonics covering the Antoine Dodson “hid your kids, hide your wife” auto tune thing.

This would be like if somebody saw a movie and then wrote an epic novel based on that movie. Guys, you’re doing it backwards.

Thank you, Eliot Glazer at Urlesque.

The Taylor Swift Being Surprised Megamix

Posted: 16 Nov 2010 11:17 AM PST

Taylor Swift acts surprised a lot. You may think you know that she acts surprised a lot, but whatever your definition of “a lot” is, she acts surprised more often than that. She acts surprised A LOT. Like, all caps a lot. She acts surprised constantly, by everything, in all caps.

The proof? Check out the following “Taylor Swift Acting Surprised” Supercut from the exhaustive hand of VH1 Blog / FourFour editor Rich Juzwiak:

(via The Fab Life)

This December…Christmas…Will…Be…GAYER

Posted: 16 Nov 2010 10:48 AM PST

New billboard in Los Angeles:

Finally, “Christmas Just Got Gayer” will no longer just be the title of Bill O’Reilly’s annual copy-pasted rant against commercials saying “Happy Holidays.” It now refers to actual, purchasable gay trees.

Frankly, I’m slightly offended – not about the existence of gay trees, but that no straight marketing person thought that maybe us straight people have also been wanting ridiculous rainbow-colored Christmas trees for years, because they’re awesome? Some of us just enjoy colorful things, tree manufacturers, who are definitely reading this.

(pic via Splash News Online)

New Girl Talk Album Download Problem Fixed

Posted: 16 Nov 2010 10:18 AM PST

Yesterday, Girl Talk released a new album for free online. If you are not familiar with Girl Talk, he/it is guy named Gregg Gillis who is a deejay. He mostly takes pop music and plays overtly sexual rap lyrics over them while layering a number of other songs in there as well. Generally what happens with his albums is that you listen to them too many times in a row, and then you start associating very tame songs with getting your *&^ all *$&@#. Some people really like it! And you might be one of those people. Here is a quick sample of the new album titled All Day. (Slightly NS for W lyrics.)

Yesterday, the internet traffic was just too much for the Girl Talk website and people were having trouble downloading the album. But today, the problems seem to be fixed and you can download the whole thing here.
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