The Superficial - Because You're Ugly

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• The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 9.4.13
• Kanye West Performs For Dictators Now, Too
• Jack Nicholson Reportedly Retired From Acting
• Paula Patton Wanted Robin Thicke To Bang Lana Scolaro, Is ‘Chill’
• Emma Watson & The Two Other People Worth Looking At From The GQ Man of The Year Awards
• Farrah Abraham Is The Hero Feminism Deserves, Not The One It Needs Right Now
• Ladies And Gentlemen, We’ve Got ScarJo Cleavage And Other News

The Crap We Missed – Wednesday 9.4.13 Posted: 04 Sep 2013 12:24 PM PDT Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed that was a little light until I shoved this Final Five in here, which you can take as a slam on her weight if you want because that’s literally the nicest thing I’m going to say down here. We’ve also got Bethenny Frankel either twerking, farting into a mic or both, because that’s what network TV execs thing you want shoved into your moron brains, John Travolta‘s sexuality creepy little goatee being side-eyed by his own toddler, Justin Bieber and the moustache that will launch a thousand nukes (all of which we deserve right in the dick), and Jennette McCurdy with her boyfriend who’s twice her si– she’s dead. The girl from iCarly got banged to death by an NBA star. I warned you up there, - Photo Boy Click Here To Start The Gallery Bonus Gallery: Jaclyn Swedberg's A Playmate, But Give Her A Spin Partially Clothed. 34 Photos » Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

Kanye West Performs For Dictators Now, Too Posted: 04 Sep 2013 11:23 AM PDT In case you needed more proof that Kris Jenner‘s fangs produce a powerful mind control toxin, Kanye West agreed to perform at the wedding for a grandson of Kazakhstan president Nursultan Nazarbayev over the weekend, according to the New York Times: According to the Kazakh news agency Tengrinews, Mr. West was a personal guest of Mr. Nazarbayev's. The leader's grandson, Aisultan Nazarbayev, 23, married Alima Boranbayeva, the daughter of a top executive at a Kazakh state energy firm. Phone calls to the Kazakh presidential administration and to Mr. West's publicist in New York were not returned on Monday. Mr. Nazarbayev has ruled Kazakhstan in an autocratic fashion since the fall of the Soviet Union, and was criticized for a brutal police crackdown against striking oil workers in the city of Zhanaozen in 2011 that left more than a dozen killed. “Kanye, did you see how much money you made for one night? One night. Why even tour?” “It’s all about the fans, Kris. Say, can I see my daughter now-” “HISSSSSSSSSSSS! *bites Kanye in the neck* You will perform for Assad this weekend…” “I will perform for Assad this weekend…” “You will bring me back slaves…” “I will bring you back slaves…” “You will make love to me now…” “I will make- wait, what? Bitch, your venom ain’t that strong. PEACE.” But Did He Wear A Bird Outfit? That's The Real Question 37 Photos » Photos: Getty

Jack Nicholson Reportedly Retired From Acting Posted: 04 Sep 2013 10:36 AM PDT “Yay, more pussy for me.” “Not on your life…” Jack Nicholson has openly admitted to doing mountains of cocaine over the years, so I’m willing to accept the possibility that he suffers from memory loss to the point that it’s affected his acting, and that his new mission in life is to be Sean Connery. Which is a.) boss and b.) an entirely plausible scenario for Jack Nicholson. Radar reports: Jack has — without fanfare — retired," a well-placed Hollywood film insider confirmed to Radar. "There is a simple reason behind his decision — it's memory loss. Quite frankly, at 76, Jack has memory issues and can no longer remember the lines being asked of him. "His memory isn't what it used to be." … "He's not retiring from public life, at all. He just doesn't want a tribute," added the insider. "He's happy to tacitly join the retirees club like Sean Connery." The good news is that Jack Nicholson will still show up to award shows and do amazing curmudgeon shit like randomly inserting himself into the photo shoot for Argo‘s Oscar win and reacting to Jennifer Lawrence‘s breasts in the most awestruck way any man has ever reacted to breasts since Adam went, “Yeah, yeah, don’t eat fruit. Let’s talk about these. How do I touch these?” What makes this even more amazing is now we know when Jack Nicholson sees a pair of breasts it’s like the first time every time. I want memory loss. Photos: Getty

Paula Patton Wanted Robin Thicke To Bang Lana Scolaro, Is ‘Chill’ Posted: 04 Sep 2013 09:14 AM PDT Last week, the Internet saw an Instagram photo of Robin Thicke‘s hand up Lana Scolaro‘s ass which I just assumed would’ve already resulted in a Lana Scolaro sex tape by now, but apparently she’s going to take the slow, methodical route of selling stories to the tabloids first. Which makes sense because you can’t just jump into it without building an audience first. That’s how you get AIDS. Via Life & Style: The two had met the week before at a friend's party, and she says he immediately approached her at the 1Oak VMAs shindig with the pick-up line, "I just love the fact that you're so young." "His hands were everywhere," says Lana. Lana says that initially she pushed him away because he’s a married man, but that Robin told her Paula was "chill" and even encouraged Lana to talk to her. And his bad behavior only continued as Robin led Lana into his car to leave the nightclub and, oddly, his wife joined them. They all headed to a bash at a suite in the Greenwich Hotel, where Robin and Lana got closer on the couch. "I went to the bathroom, and when I came out he was standing there," she tells Life & Style. "He turned off the lights so no one could see us, and he started making out with me. He was grabbing me. He was like, 'I want to get you into bed!'" To add to this story, Todd at IDLYITW has a similar anecdote from a different woman who claims Paula Patton and Robin Thicke find chicks to bang together. Which might seem unnatural, at first, until you think about how easy it’d be for Paula to slip out of the room and watch a whole episode of Giuliana & Bill without interruptions then it becomes something out of a dream. (I just sold all your wives on open marriages. You’re welcome.) Photos: Getty

Emma Watson & The Two Other People Worth Looking At From The GQ Man of The Year Awards Posted: 04 Sep 2013 07:48 AM PDT Here’s Emma Watson wearing.. something to the GQ Man of The Year awards along with Alice Eve and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley who I placed in descending order of hotness and showing of space-boobs below. And not because I’m saying Hermoine is hotter than them, but wearing a nun’s hat for a shirt to make a statement counts in my book even if all those priests did go, “Wait, why don’t you have a penis? Eww, eww, get away!” Such bravery should not go unnoticed. Alice Eve: GQ Man of The Year Awards 22 Photos » Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: GQ Man of The Year Awards 24 Photos » Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

Farrah Abraham Is The Hero Feminism Deserves, Not The One It Needs Right Now Posted: 04 Sep 2013 06:46 AM PDT Back in May, Jezebel decided to go after Chrissy Teigen for calling Farrah Abraham a “slut” because it’d be totes post-modern cool to pretend Farrah is a regular Rosie Riveter making porn look like an expression of feminine freedom and not the entirely opportunistic cash grab she’s still lying about it not being. Which makes it all the more hilarious that Jezebel has finally jumped on the bandwagon called that Farrah is an idiot because here they are pointing out she has no fucking clue what the word feminist even means after claiming her full-fledged, undeniable porno was a sex tape with her “boyfriend” who leaked it behind her back, so she had no choice but to sell it because that’s entirely how that process works: After some discussion of her recent work, interviewer Allie Conti asked Abraham about how her “sex tape came about.” Abraham responded by saying that it happened because of “how I live my life.” Explaining that she’s “22″ “very sexual” and “single”, Abraham continued to assert that she made the tape with then-boyfriend James Deen, who leaked it, forcing her to sell it to Vivid, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary that any of that is true. Then Conti remarks that it’s “pretty shitty” that Deen released the tape, using that remark as a segue into asking Abraham if she considers herself a feminist. That’s the point at which the following exchange occurred:   Do you consider yourself a feminist? I’m pretty feminine. I think so.   Not feminine — feminist. What does that mean, you’re a lesbian or something?   No, that’s not what I’m asking at all. What context are you saying it in?   It’s a complicated concept, but I guess at it’s most basic, it means that women are equal to men. Oh, I definitely feel that women are equal to men. No doubt about that. I mean women should have equal rights to men, every day. “What does that mean, you’re a lesbian or something?” Holy shit, do you people owe Chrissy Teigen an apology. And without being bitchy about it! (I’m kidding. We both know that’s not gonna happen.) Photos: Splash News

Ladies And Gentlemen, We’ve Got ScarJo Cleavage And Other News Posted: 04 Sep 2013 06:14 AM PDT - Aw, poor Ariel Castro. Was captivity too hard for you? [BuzzFeed] - Channing Tatum is the anti-Armie Hammer. [Lainey Gossip] - True Blood is finally being put out of its misery. [Dlisted] - There Are Sexy Chivers Among Us [theCHIVE] - Lady GaGa looks like this without a wig on. [tooFab] - Elsa Hosk‘s in lingerie. [Popoholic] - McKayla Maroney‘s in skin tight jeans. [Hollywood Tuna] - And Courtney Stodden‘s completely topless. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW] - Benedict Cumberbatch might be in Episode VII depending on which nerd you ask. [FilmDrunk] Follow The Superficial on Facebook || Twitter Photo: Getty, INFdaily, Joe Alvarez, Splash News, WENN

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