The Superficial - Because You're Ugly |
- The Crap We Missed – Thursday 9.5.13
- Lamar Odom’s Gone Rogue
- Go Home, Internet, You’re Ring Drunk
- Whoa, Dakota Johnson, We Only Met Two Days Ago, Put Your Pants Back On (I’m Kidding, Don’t)
- Dave Chappelle Would Like North Korea To Nuke Hartford Please
- BREAKING: Lindsay Lohan Still Has Those Big Breasts With Freckles On Them
- Gwen Stefani Confirms She’s Pregnant, ‘No Shit,’ Says World’s Handsomest Blogger
- Wait, There Was An Engagement Ring In These Scarlett Johansson Pics? And A Dude?
- Good Morning, Selena Gomez, And Other News
- That Is Robin Thicke’s Hand Up A Woman’s Ass
- Lindsay Lohan Pulls No Show At Venice Film Festival
- Jesus Christ, Emmanuelle Chriqui In A Bikini
- Aw, Jay Z’s Lonely In His Mansion And Other News
- The Crap We Missed – Thursday 8.29.13
- Jamie Foxx Grabbed Katie Holmes’ Ass, Yet She Didn’t Have Sex With Him? That’s Strange
- Timothy Dalton Might Be The New Alfred
- Farrah Abraham Found Legitimate Acting Work, Good Feelings Gone
- James Spader Is Ultron In ‘The Avengers: Age of That Person I Just Said’
- Billy Ray Cyrus Wishes Twerking Was Around When He Had That One Song
- Hayden Panettiere Is More Than Just Her New Implants, You Guys, She’s Also A Butt
| The Crap We Missed – Thursday 9.5.13 Posted: 05 Sep 2013 01:00 PM PDT Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed which, aside from Prince Charles and Richard Grieco obviously, has my favorite pic of all time. Ok, that’s probably an overstatement, but if looks could kill Dakota Fanning would be chained to a pole in Serena Williams‘ enclosure as we speak. We’ve also got Al Pacino looking like he’s in perfect condition to drive and holy shit, Vanessa Angel‘s body got totally Munsoned. “Oh, my little Roy toy. What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap?” Man, remember when movies were good? - Photo Boy Click Here To Start The Gallery Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN |
| Posted: 05 Sep 2013 12:15 PM PDT If any of the Kardashians were to ever go off the reservation, my money was always on Khloe after jumping up on Kris Jenner‘s bed with a dead Mason, Penelope or North in her mouth as a present. (She’d also be covered in soap suds and shake herself dry while “Roll Over, Beethoven,” played, but I’m getting ahead of myself.) Turns out I was close because it’s her husband Lamar Odom who’s apparently not in rehab like everyone reported he was yesterday and isn’t communicating with Khloe at all. Which is actually smart considering her mom is selling every goddamn piece of information to TMZ and Radar like this little tidbit about Lamar’s drug dealer allegedly bailing him out after his DUI:
Who is allowed in Khloe’s home? A rapper that performs for murderous dictators and goddamn Beelzebub, so clearly it’s a sacred garden of truth and purity forever to remain untarnished. Speak only of it in whispers. Photos: Splash News |
| Go Home, Internet, You’re Ring Drunk Posted: 05 Sep 2013 11:30 AM PDT Feeling confident from correctly spotting an engagement ring on Scarlett Johannson‘s finger despite every reason in the world not to do ever do that, the Internet has moved on to accusing Mila Kunis of being engaged to Ashton Kutcher because it doesn’t care who it hurts or how many people will die in its path. It’s one thing to say women look pregnant after eating a full, delicious meal because it’s true, and I know every last one of them secretly is, but to accuse someone of marrying Ashton Kutcher? Jesus Christ, where’s the line anymore? Photos: Fame/Flynet |
| Whoa, Dakota Johnson, We Only Met Two Days Ago, Put Your Pants Back On (I’m Kidding, Don’t) Posted: 05 Sep 2013 10:26 AM PDT Before Monday night, I had never heard of Dakota Johnson before. But now I know she’s the actress who’ll be getting her pubes pulled by Jax Teller in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie which makes this post topical and not at all a voyeuristic journey into the heart of celebrity noonerholes. I don’t know where you get these ideas from. Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Splash News |
| Dave Chappelle Would Like North Korea To Nuke Hartford Please Posted: 05 Sep 2013 09:27 AM PDT For those of you who missed it, last week Dave Chappelle walked off stage in Hartford, Conn. after members of the mostly all white audience refused to stop yelling catchphrases from Chappelle Show at him forcing him to take a seat, smoke a cigarette and chat with the front row until his contracted time was up. At which point, he got up and left and told the booing audience that they were only booing themselves. Naturally, this spurred shitheads in online comment threads to say things like, “Hey, Dave Chappelle is a comedian, and if he can’t take the hecklin’, then he should just git out.” Except Dave Chappelle has a noted history of walking away from 55 millions of dollars to keep doing Chappelle Show after he found himself in meetings with white network execs making him justify using the word “nigger” in his sketches and having white people run up to him yelling, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” because that’s all they took from the show instead of the goddamn brilliant satire. And what happened in Hartford was basically an extension of that, and Dave Chappelle will shut that shit down if he knows he’s being made to shuck and jive. Which brings us to two nights ago in Chicago where Dave still performed – most assumed he’d bail on the rest of the Funny or Die Presents The Oddball Comedy & Curiosity Festival – and explained what happened in Hartford along with wishing it be atom smashed out of existence. TMZ reports:
How do I put this without making it look like I’m racist who assumes all black guys meet under the cover of darkness to plot nefarious deeds, but has anyone else noticed Dennis Rodman conveniently went back to North Korea this week? That doesn’t seem odd to anyone? Okay, then what about that black guy in the White House who just asked Congress for a bunch of bombs? Don’t tell me that’s a coincidence. FALSE FLAGS! |
| BREAKING: Lindsay Lohan Still Has Those Big Breasts With Freckles On Them Posted: 05 Sep 2013 08:37 AM PDT If there’s one thing that’s kept me humble over the years – *sips coffee out of crystal decanter, realizes Photo Boy forgot to address him as “Mr. Scaramanga,” shoots him with golden gun* – it’s never touting anything I do here as having the slightest semblance of importance whatsoever. That being said, this post is probably the most pertinent and valuable information you will receive today. I can’t think of anything that could possibly be more vital to you, a citizen of the world, and I say that with complete humility. I’m simply the vessel. Photos: Splash News |
| Gwen Stefani Confirms She’s Pregnant, ‘No Shit,’ Says World’s Handsomest Blogger Posted: 05 Sep 2013 07:55 AM PDT Gwen Stefani just confirmed she’s pregnant with her third child to Us Weekly which seems gratuitous considering I already told the whole Internet she was three weeks ago because I saw her touch her stomach once. Granted, my only previous success was Reese Witherspoon after 18 months of not knowing women retain water – And still don’t. POW! – but that’s almost as good as a real gynecologist. Plus I don’t make you pee on a stick and give it back to me like those perverts. That’s right, I’m on to your little racket. Photos: AKM-GSI |
| Wait, There Was An Engagement Ring In These Scarlett Johansson Pics? And A Dude? Posted: 05 Sep 2013 07:25 AM PDT Yesterday, we posted pics of Scarlett Johansson at the Venice Film Festival premiere of Under The Skin and was under the impression that the only important thing happening was her awesome breasts. Which is still true, but People somehow noticed she was also wearing what looked like an engagement ring which her rep confirmed. So that’s happening now along with these bikini pics because even I couldn’t possibly care less about anything I just wrote back there. I honestly tune myself out half the time. Photos: Getty, INFdaily, Joe Alvarez, Splash News, WENN |
| Good Morning, Selena Gomez, And Other News Posted: 05 Sep 2013 06:25 AM PDT - Tom Hiddleston was at the GQ Man of The Year awards. Somehow didn’t win all of them. [Lainey Gossip] - I’m still trying to figure out how this ended with Clint Eastwood getting an erection. [Dlisted] - Yoga Pants season is just around the corner. [theCHIVE] - Kim Kardashian posed for Karl Lagerfeld while pregnant as shit. [tooFab] - Gandalf is Sherlock Holmes now. Wait, what? [BuzzFeed] - Mila Kunis in a Batman shirt? Hold my calls. [Popoholic] - Stacy Keibler seems to be handling the break-up well. [IDLYITW] - Christina Aguilera posed for Maxim. [Hollywood Tuna] - Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is single. [Celebslam] - Lucy Pinder‘s topless. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW] - Olivia Wilde should always be braless. [Amy Grindhouse] - Neighbors starring Zac Efron and Seth Rogen looks surprisingly awesome. [FilmDrunk] Follow The Superficial on Facebook || Twitter Photos: MPNC/AKM-GSI |
| That Is Robin Thicke’s Hand Up A Woman’s Ass Posted: 30 Aug 2013 08:37 AM PDT Just to show how observant I am, yesterday, when I saw this photo of Robin Thicke with socialite Lana Scolaro, I didn’t think anything of it and couldn’t figure out what the big deal was because I’m sure Robin Thicke poses for pictures with hundreds of women. Then I looked in the mirror. Now, granted, that is definitely a man’s hand up an ass that is not his wife’s, keep in mind that not only did Paula Patton love Robin’s VMA performance with Miley Cyrus, but the video for “Blurred Lines” was her idea. Plus she’s an actress so I’m pretty sure they have a relationship that understands body parts are going to get honked. What people should be concerned about is how quickly Vivid’s going to release a porno starring Lana Scolaro because if recent trends are any indication, it’s ten minutes from when I started writing this post. So now. *checks pre-order* Photos: Instagram / Getty |
| Lindsay Lohan Pulls No Show At Venice Film Festival Posted: 30 Aug 2013 07:49 AM PDT Lindsay Lohan was supposed to appear at the Venice Film Festival to promote The Canyons, the movie she begged and pleaded to be in (and still kept on after she was fired once during production) because her career was in the toilet and no one would hire her. So just like the premiere, which she was also supposed to be at it, Lindsay didn’t even bother showing up. Although, in her defense, there were cigarettes that needed to be smoked in New York and she’s only one person. FOX News reports:
I’m sure there’ll be a perfectly reasonable explanation because Oprah already told us Lindsay’s cured, and Oprah’s never been wrong before. So there’s no way Lindsay Lohan is out there repeating past behavior or associating with known drug dealers. There’s probably an orphanage out there right now who can’t wait to tell us she got distracted reading to the kids and about Tim the special little boy who taught her the true meaning of Christmas. Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News |
| Jesus Christ, Emmanuelle Chriqui In A Bikini Posted: 30 Aug 2013 06:57 AM PDT Recently, Photo Boy and I were made to feel like troglodyte assholes because we post bikini photos like these ridiculous ones of Emmanuelle Chriqui that will generate ungodly amounts of pageviews so I can never shut up about Ben Qffleck or George Zimmerman or comic books without getting fired. Except let’s be honest, no one gives a shit or is even looking down here besides me, and even that’s debatable because I’m pretty sure I just spelled Affleck with a Q. (It’s too far back, you look.) Photos: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News |
| Aw, Jay Z’s Lonely In His Mansion And Other News Posted: 30 Aug 2013 06:03 AM PDT - Tatiana Maslany will be on Parks and Rec. Yessss. [Lainey Gossip] - Shailene Woodley is our new Earth Mother Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh, good. [Dlisted] - Girls Are Working Out Hard For The Weekend [theCHIVE] - Fergie no longer has two penises attached to her body. [tooFab] - Mashing up The Dark Knight Rises and The Notebook surprisingly works. [BuzzFeed] - Jessica Biel‘s ass is still amazing. [Popoholic] - Scientology is still spying on Katie Holmes. [IDLYITW] - Autumn Holley was born to wear lingerie. [Hollywood Tuna] - Who the fuck gives Tara Reid free alcohol? [Celebslam] - Jodie Marsh topless, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW] - LeAnn Rimes really knows how to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. [Amy Grindhouse] - Kim Jong Un had his ex-girlfriend executed for making porn. No, really. [FilmDrunk] Follow The Superficial on Facebook || Twitter |
| The Crap We Missed – Thursday 8.29.13 Posted: 29 Aug 2013 01:00 PM PDT “Internet perverts, TO ME!!” Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed featuring the most depressing back-to-back shots of Baywatch stars you’ll ever see. Unless I successfully outbid Steve Hirsch for the rights to the sextape The Hoff made with a McRib. Then we’ll be in business, sexy, mustard-covered penis busine–Woah! What the hell? *grabs keyboard away from Fish* Ok, where was I? Right, crap pics, why does the back of my head hurt and why do I taste pickles? It’s probably nothing. Here’s Leonardo DiCaprio claiming the Captain Douche title, which I honestly can’t believe didn’t go to either of these two, and we’re way past due for a sad Jason Segel meme. Here, I’ll get it started, - Photo Boy
Photo: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN |
| Jamie Foxx Grabbed Katie Holmes’ Ass, Yet She Didn’t Have Sex With Him? That’s Strange Posted: 29 Aug 2013 12:06 PM PDT “Grab. That. Woman’s. Ass.” It’s been over a year since Katie Holmes divorced Tom Cruise, so allow me to be the voice of reason that says Jamie Foxx was well within his rights to borderline sexually assault the ex-wife of a former co-star. In fact, I’d be offended if he didn’t. This is America. Us Magazine reports:
Of course, some people might say the proper etiquette would’ve been to not grab her butt, and instead ask, “Excuse me, white woman, may I swirl your vanilla with my chocolate?” But those people would be kind of racist so they should probably shut the hell up. However, in Katie Holmes’ defense, the last time she was intimate with a man, she blacked out before he could penetrate her and woke up six years later next to a tiny female version of him and paranoid thoughts about alien ghosts causing the flu. Which is no excuse to be rude, but sometimes these situations aren’t so black and white. (Poor choice of words, you’re right.) Photos: Getty |
| Timothy Dalton Might Be The New Alfred Posted: 29 Aug 2013 11:15 AM PDT There’s a special place in my heart for the Timothy Dalton Bond movies, so finding out he’ll be a more badass Alfred in Batman Vs. Superman sounds amazing as long as he describes things as the “soize of a tang-ah-reen.” Cosmic Book News has the scoop again, so it’s time to admit Zack Snyder has taken up blogging which truly is the life of kings. *throws bowl of grapes at Photo Boy’s head* Thank you! These were delicious!
ALFRED: *cocks machine gun* Need me to come along, sir? These Jokers can be trouble. Photo: Getty |
| Farrah Abraham Found Legitimate Acting Work, Good Feelings Gone Posted: 29 Aug 2013 10:14 AM PDT Dear Casting Aficionado at Days of Our Lives, Exactly eight days ago I created what’s called a CMP, the fancy little button widget in the right hand side of this post, titled “There’s Hope For The World” because at the time there was hope for the world thanks to Teen Mom turned porn star Farrah Abraham‘s reality show being cancelled. You have stolen that hope from the world. So, listen, there’s a way things work, and those ways are Farrah Abraham doing porn then plummeting straight into obscurity and/or dying of AIDS. In either order. Instead, you’ve validated her every squirt, and I don’t want to hear that five years down the road she really will be a hooker named Destiny anyway because now you’ve affected the time stream. I can’t even step outside now because Hitler could be a mailman, so thank you for that. Hail President Dinosaur! - The Superficial UPDATE: Good work.
Photo: Splash News |
| James Spader Is Ultron In ‘The Avengers: Age of That Person I Just Said’ Posted: 29 Aug 2013 08:50 AM PDT Just the other day I was saying out loud to myself, “You know who would make the perfect Ultron in The Avengers: Age of Ultron? Someone who’s been in a movie where people get in car accidents and then have sex with the wounds caused by said car accident.” Not even five seconds later, Stan Lee, right hand to God, goes, “Let me make a phone call,” and what do we have here? It’s an official statement:
So remember in Less Than Zero when James Spader is Robert Downey Jr.‘s drug dealer? I’m going to pretend this is a really elaborate sequel to that, and there’s nothing Joss Whedon can do to stop me. Everyone will be like, “Yes! This is incredible summer action!” and I’ll be the guy wondering why Jami Gertz isn’t Black Widow. She works out. Photos: Getty |
| Billy Ray Cyrus Wishes Twerking Was Around When He Had That One Song Posted: 29 Aug 2013 07:57 AM PDT My dear, sweet, Photo Boy, this. Now that Miley Cyrus twerking is part of our national tapestry, official lexicon and soon, oxygen, what the world really wants to know is what Billy Ray Cyrus thought of his tender little Hanner Montanner’s performance at the VMAs. And it turns out the answer is, “Well, shoot, I’d reckon I’d like to try that.” Via Twitter:
I don’t know how this would even be possible, but in case you missed Miley Cyrus’ performance, here it is so you can fully appreciate the luscious mullet this ridiculousness just walked into the room with:
Watched the whole thing? Good. Now imagine Billy Ray Cyrus doing everything Miley just did with Robin Thicke and that foam finger. All done? Perfect. Now on your way to justifiably murder every one I love dear in front of my face, could you maybe grab some ‘Za? I could really go for some ‘Za. Also, I’m saying ‘Za to make you angrier so you’ll get here quicker, bro-ham. *tucks napkin into collar, holds knife and fork* |
| Hayden Panettiere Is More Than Just Her New Implants, You Guys, She’s Also A Butt Posted: 29 Aug 2013 07:32 AM PDT When you think about Hayden Panettiere, the first thing that comes to mind is her cheerleader outfit on Heroes when she was only 16. Then once you realize Chris Hansen can read thoughts, it’s how much she loves sex with giants. So, today, I’d like to propose maybe the first thing you think of from now on is Hayden Panettiere’s butt, and this way she gets treated like a person and no one gets psychic punched by a ninja of the mind. [Full Disclosure: I'm trying to win the Bold New Male Voice In Modern Feminism Award over at Jezebel, so the response you're looking for right now is NAILED IT.] Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Splash News, WENN |
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