Crushable

101: How To Write A College Essay. Today.
Crushable Quotable: Don't Worry. Ryan Gosling Is Bored Of Himself Too.
Gallery: A Year In Justin Bieber
Snowmen At The Apocalypse
If There's A Demi Lovato Sex Tape, We'll Never See
Gallery: Sexy Celebrity Arms
'Teen Mom' Gets It's First Celebrity Mug Shot
The Best And Worst Of Celebrity New Year's Resolutions
Bridalplasty Recap: Komedy Sutra

101: How To Write A College Essay. Today.

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 07:28 PM PST

For most college seniors, this week is highly stressful. College applications are due January 1. Unless you are an impressively timely and organized person, that deadline is quickly closing in on you.

If you don’t have all your application details in order, it’s basically time to freak out. To make matters worse, this year, the common application is full of bugs. If you can sort out the issues with your online word counts, the first thing you want to do is this: find out where your local 24-hour Post Office is. (You may need it.) Now take a deep breath. It’s time to tackle those college essays. First things first:

Ignore the Question
College essay questions are notoriously convoluted. At the University of Chicago, they want to know “how do you feel about Wednesday?” and “How did you get caught?”

For the most part, college application questions are just code, to get you to explain how you approach problems and create a solution. The most important thing that you can do is write a good essay that stands on its own. So the very first thing you want to do is make a list.

Come Up With A Good Story
In your college application, you want to write an essay that helps you look inquisitive, smart, organized and motivated. But you don’t want to get too metaphorical or convoluted trying to shoehorn some huge, important event to your life.

So the first thing you want to do is make a list documenting all of the major events that have happened in your life. Try to think of every strange, surprising or difficult time in your life. Did someone close to you die? Did you get mugged once? Did you do something bad once that made you reevaluate your life and straighten out? (hey, that one even fits University of Chicago’s essay question)

If you compile all the stories you can tell, chances are that at the end, you can fit one to the question you’re being asked on the application. But, always remember this tip:

Exploit Any Terrible Things That Have Happened To You
Sadly (or maybe just weirdly) high school kids who have had troubled lives have a leg up during the application process. Do you come from a broken home? Did your family live in poverty for awhile? Did you survive a difficult ordeal? Write about it!

But keep in mind: don’t try to write about someone else’s life and apply their lessons to your own. Chances are you’ll come off as self-entitled.

And finally:

Get Someone Smarter Than You To Read Your Essay
If you can, try to finish up (at least a draft) early, and get someone who is a good writer to read over your essay. It’s really hard to be objective about your own writing. Especially when you’re writing about yourself. Even if you can’t implement all of your editor’s ideas into your finished product, it’s always good to get a second set of eyes to look at your work.

And don’t forget! Avoid writing negatively about cultural icons. No matter how much you love Glee.

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101: How To Write A College Essay. Today.

Crushable Quotable: Don't Worry. Ryan Gosling Is Bored Of Himself Too.

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 06:49 PM PST

Ryan Gosling has too movies out this month. And with blond female leads (Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst) costarring against him in both Blue November and All Good Things, it can be rather difficult to keep the two apart. But don’t worry! Ryan can’t do it either. In an interview with the LATimes, he explained:

“I get sick of myself, so I can imagine how everyone else feels. And for the two to come out at the same time, it makes me feel sick.”

Ooft. We think Ryan’s being a little hard on himself. But then again, it looks like he’s not such a big fan of the movie that All Good Things became:

“I’m proud of what Kirsten does in the movie,” he says finally. (He later elaborates: “It was a hard film to make because it was such a dark experience. Just the story itself, trying to understand the things that your gut tells you you don’t want to feel for this person. It’s an interesting experience to have, but you’re happy when it’s over.”)

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Crushable Quotable: Don't Worry. Ryan Gosling Is Bored Of Himself Too.

Gallery: A Year In Justin Bieber

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 06:28 PM PST

This time last year Justin Bieber was already a household name at 15. He looked even more like the Childlike Empress from Neverending Story, and nobody knew about a little song called “Baby.” How a year can change (not really) things!

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Gallery: A Year In Justin Bieber

Snowmen At The Apocalypse

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 06:40 PM PST

Most of the northeast is currently snowed in thanks to Snowpocalypse 2010, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t take a moment to appreciate all the world’s snowmen who sacrificed their lives in much warmer weather. And to help, Buzzfeed has compiled this list of melting (and drunk snowmen) who have seen better days.

RIP drunk, melty snowmen.

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Snowmen At The Apocalypse

If There's A Demi Lovato Sex Tape, We'll Never See

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 06:30 PM PST

demi Is there a Demi Lovato sex tape? Who knows. But according to TMZ, if one exists, it will never see the light of day. Because Vivid Entertainment, the sleazy company that always releases celebrity sex tapes, will refuse to promote it. Why? Apparently the owner of the company has a limit to how much celebrity sex he will spread. And Demi is it.

Steve Hirsch, Vivid’s CEO, tells TMZ:

“After everything that Demi Lovato has been through, we would never consider distributing a sex tape with her. In fact, we would purchase it and either give it back to her or destroy it.”

Why the sudden moral stance? Apparently Hirsch is a recovering addict and thinks a sex tape release would be too much for Demi to handle.

Now the question remains: Was there ever talk of a Demi sex tape, or is Hirsch just using this opportunity to give himself some positive PR?

Demi’s team says that the rumors are a vicious lie. And if Demi’s got Hirsch in her corner, chances are they can keep saying that, whether it exists or not.

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If There's A Demi Lovato Sex Tape, We'll Never See

Gallery: Sexy Celebrity Arms

Posted: 24 Dec 2010 08:19 PM PST

Home for the holidays and your gym routine is going the way of Santa’s waistline? Basically we are calling you fat, fattie! Still not inspiring you to go to the gym? We didn’t think so…it doesn’t work for us when we yell it into the mirror either.

Okay, so if you want to know what motivates us, it’s looking at pictures of hot guys and wondering if we could ever run into them in the weight room. Well, only one way to find out! Today we’ll focus on arms and that sexy area known as your biceps.

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Gallery: Sexy Celebrity Arms

'Teen Mom' Gets It's First Celebrity Mug Shot

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 07:01 PM PST

Where are those Drudge Sirens when you need them? MTV’s Teen Mom franchise has hit a new high low. Amber Portwood is currently in jail, and TMZ has acquired the mug shot. How does Dr. Drew feel about that development?

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'Teen Mom' Gets It's First Celebrity Mug Shot

The Best And Worst Of Celebrity New Year's Resolutions

Posted: 28 Dec 2010 05:50 AM PST

We’re just days away from the New Year, and that means it’s time to break out those resolutions and hold on tight for as many months (or weeks, days, or hours) as possible. So what have folks like Adrienne Maloof, Miley Cyrus and Rachel Uchitel resolved to improve in the New Year? Here’s a round-up of the best and worst:

• Miley Cyrus: “I want to travel and I want to make this the year that I go out and do what I’m here to do, and that’s help people and make people happy.”

• Adam Levine: “Try and be a better person.”

• Rachel Uchitel: “To live somewhere where I feel settled.”

• Rocco DiSpirito: “To not to miss an episode of any Housewives ever again.”

• Adrienne Maloof vowed to learn how to cook.

• Anderson Cooper: “I’d like to be a better friend to my friends.”

• Jack Black wants to lose 50 lbs.

And what are your New Year’s Resolutions? (Ours is to get Adam Scott to be our boyfriend.) Let us know in the comments.

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The Best And Worst Of Celebrity New Year's Resolutions

Bridalplasty Recap: Komedy Sutra

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 02:20 PM PST

This week’s episode of SyFy’s* Bridalplasty is (finally) all about sex. First up, hostbot Shanna Moakley introduces the women to Dr. Sadie Allison, a professional “pleasure coach” and the owner of Tickle Kitty, a store that sells sex toys and Fancy Feast in bulk.

Dr. Sadie wants to know about the brides’ sex lives: Dominique is upset that her husband’s a premature ejaculator, Kristen’s good at “the bj” (the body judging) and Allyson claims to be very flexible — which means she must have some rubber mixed in with her plastic. Dr. Allison coaches the women on honeymoon sex and Shanna reveals that the final bride standing will receive a trip to Fiji, an island famous for those creepy mermaid mummy things that always showed up on The X Files.

Dr. Sadie leaves and the women head back to the house (Allyson via back handsprings) where they compete in this week’s challenge. The gals pair off into two groups of three, leaving Lisa Marie out to sit alone in the corner in a dunce cap. Each group is given a set of crash test dummies which they must twist and turn into seven Kama Sutra positions. Which are:

1. Sporting of a Sparrow: The man drapes the woman over his shoulders like she’s an unnecessary cardigan on a unseasonably warm early spring day and regurgitates food into her mouth.

2. Like a Lotus: The man yanks on the woman’s pigtails while denying his Asian fetish emphatically.

3. The Mare: The man enters the woman from behind as she recites lines from Equus.

4. Pair of Tongs: The man penetrates the woman sideways while holding her legs up in the air. Bleu cheese dressing is used as lubrication.

5. Fixing the Nail: The man begins with a flaccid penis. The woman pounds and pounds until it becomes erect. Then she sends the man on his way to fix things around the house.

6. The Crab: The man and the woman press their bodies right up against each other and scratch one another’s itches in perfect unison.

7. Splitting of a Bamboo: The woman nibbles up and down the shaft of the man’s penis like she’s an adorable widdle panda bear. Then she takes a nap. Black eyes are optional.

Cheyenne, Princess Jenessa and Allyson are the fastest sex positioners, and Lisa Marie is called upon to decide the challenge’s winner/plastic surgery recipient. The brides are given a change to beg for the knife, but Cheyenne selflessly chooses to give her surgery to one of the other women. Not to be outdone, Jenessa coaxes her tear ducts into producing a few drops of water and (much less selflessly) insists that Allyson receive the surgery. Lisa Marie and Allyson start to cry as well, just as we learn that the Bridalplasty house was built on Los Angeles’s largest onion farm.

Allyson dries her tears and heads to the maniacal Dr. Dubrow. The doctor knocks her out sucks the fat from her cheeks and arms with a novelty twisty straw in the shape of Mickey Mouse. Weirdly, an ad pops up letting viewers know they can now purchase soap at the Bridalplasty website.

Netty, Alexandra and Kristen are the bottom three brides, making them eligible for elimination. Kristen claims to have a broken heart and adds that to the top of her plastic surgery wish list, but then she has a glass of wine and feels better. Princess Jenessa forces the women to turn against Alexandra. They beat her down and steal her parts like the perfect bridal army we always knew they could be.

Alexandra calls the women “fake bitches,” which is the very highest form of compliment. Even so, she gets zero votes, so she’s taken to the curb and plopped into the recycling bin, where she’s collected and traded for change by the cast of Celebrity Rehab.

Next week: The perfect robot bachelorette party!

* We actually mean E! But we’re very committed to this joke.

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Bridalplasty Recap: Komedy Sutra

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