Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Good Use Of Time: Man To Run Seven Marathons In A Hamster Wheel

Posted: 01 Dec 2010 08:56 AM PST

Marathon running has always seemed like an odd pursuit to me. It seems like a whole lot of training to put your body through something that it is not meant to suffer through. And you may or may not, you know, sh*t yourself. However, that being said, I do realize that people are very passionate about it and it can also be some sort of spiritual zen exercise and just pushing yourself TO THE LIMIT it something that people want to do in life. And after the New York City Marathon, you get a silver cape! So that’s cool. Despite the promise of a cape, I’ll push myself to the limit with drug experimentation and competative eating thankyouverymuch.

However, I think we can all agree that this man running seven miles on a hamster wheel is stupid. Because, I would assume that marathon running, even if you’re going thourgh all five boroughs of NYC or really advancing anywhere, can be monotonous. But this guy. THIS GUY. Is running literally NOWHERE. Reports Metro UK:

Stuart Kettell spent four months building the 2.4m (8ft) structure.
The 46-year-old is now training for his mammoth feat, which would mean running 305km (190 miles) in seven days.
'I have done marathons before and never wanted to run another one the next day, so this is going to be tough, especially as I'll be running on an incline in the wheel,' Mr Kettell said. 'It does feel strange, you get a bit of motion sickness,' he added. The father-of-two from Coventry will spend 12 hours a day running in the wheel to complete the challenge in March.
Earlier this year, Mr Kettell spent a week in a Perspex box suspended from a crane and, in 2008, he cycled from Land's End to John O'Groats on a penny farthing.

“My life is almost too easy. I don’t think I’m miserable enough. I know! I’ll create a series of challenges that normal people would only do if they were absolutely forced to at gun point.” Next up for Mr. Kettell: Pushing a boulder up a hill and then having it roll down just before he reaches the summit over and over and over and over again.

Julia Roberts Paid $1.5 Million To Stand In Italian Coffee Commercial

Posted: 01 Dec 2010 08:24 AM PST

Here’s Julia Roberts appearing in an Italian commercial for Lavazza coffeemakers, where she was reportedly paid $1.5 million to watch Italian Keith Olbermann and an artist-looking dude banter then drink coffee and smile. This may sound high at first, in a world where 7,000 children will die instantly today solely because Lavazza didn’t give them .01% of that money for clean drinking water, but if you check the celeb Blue Book, that’s pretty much the going rate for getting Julia Roberts to stand, drink coffee, and smile (each action is 500k):

(via Jezebel)

Awesome Band Covers Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb Awesomely

Posted: 01 Dec 2010 07:02 AM PST

This is a cover of Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb.” Let me just forewarn you by saying that everything about this video is perfect, and by perfect I mean amazing. And by amazing I mean terrible. From the huge sign that says “MUSIC” in the background to the pumpkins resting on the hay bales to the lead singer’s wrap around sunglasses on his head. Rad guitar solo at 2:07.

I want to go to one of those Pink Floyd The Wall planetarium nights with the lasers (do those still exist or am I totally #why90srocked right now? Ha! They do!!) and replace their version with this version and watch all the kids immediatley sober up, reassess their lives and go home and do their homework.

Buzzfeed

BOARDWALK EMPIRE RECAP: Lies Make Baby Jesus Cry

Posted: 30 Nov 2010 03:55 PM PST

This is a Recap of Boardwalk Empire, Season 1, Episode 11, entitled “Paris Green”. We’ll get to the ‘cappin in a sec, right after a quick pause for commercial…

This Christmas…

[Cue Music]:

He’s finding out… the BOARDWALK EMPIRE… never prepared him for the WORKSHOP EMPIRE…

Alright, alright, stop the Boardwalk Empire “Christmas Trailer” joke — that Brian Setzer video is really just way too awesome on its own. Can we all just watch it on repeat and skip recapping the rest of this episode? No? Alright, fine, here’s some words and pictures that happened:

This week’s episode begins with a very Sopranos-esque “Crazy opening shot…turns out to be something pretty normal” close-up on the magician Hardeen — the Billy Baldwin of his day — escaping from a straight jacket upside-down. Hardeen later joins Nucky, Margaret, Margaret’s mistress friend Annabelle, and Annabelle’s fat money-giver-toer Harry in the parlour for some after-magic magic, and Harry eventually breaks down and admits he lost all his fatting money and storms off.

Annabelle comes calling to Nucky asking for help, and Nucky hands her a wad of cash and exchanges some not-too-disguised flirtation just as Margaret the Walking Record Scratch is entering:

Margaret continues growing increasingly uneasy about her position as the nice lady who accepts money and things from the bootlegging murder-orderer, and she and Nucky finally have a giant blowup argument where Nucky essentially admits that he killed Maragert’s husband then shatters her birth control vagina-liquid against a mirror and storms out.

Nucky then visits with Eli, who claims that Margaret is a liability that needs to be dealt with and Nucky’s letting his emotions get in the way of common sense:

Nucky snaps back, “The thing about Hardeen is, if he weren’t Houdini’s brother, no one would give a f*ck.” Eli’s like, “Oh yeah? Well yo momma’s so fat, when she sits on a boardwalk plank the taffy shop goes flying into space.” Nucky’s like, “We have the same mom. You’re fired, Eli.” Nucky appoints that chubby and obviously incapable blond dude as the new sheriff so he can mess something critical up next episode.

Jimmy, meanwhile, is called to his father’s deathbed, and after his father tries to convince him that he should be running the Boardwalk instead of Nucky, Jimmy leaves, goes to a mirror, and throws up. When this occurred, I was prepared to rant in this recap about how the “anxious character puking on screen” has become such a tired narrative device in shows and movies over the last 10 years or so, and how it happens 100x more frequently in fiction than in real life, etc etc, but lo and behold, there’s another reason why Jimmy was throwing up:

The Commodore’s doctor had luckily collected a hair sample to run a routine “See if there’s ghosts in his humors” check, and he informs Jimmy that someone’s been slipping arsenic in Commie’s cookies. Jimmy finds the above can of poison, and is all like, “Uh, Mom?”

So who’s poisoning The Comm? I’m gonna sayyyyyy…John Gotti. Is he in this show yet? He will be. And he’ll be played by Phil from The Sopranos. Jimmy’s mother, meanwhile, explains her unusual relationship history with the man 40 years her senior, and shows Jimmy the first photograph ever taken:

Back on the lesbian front, Angela has decided to take Mary up on her offer and escape with Tommy to Paris, and leaves a note for Jimmy that says “Going to Paris with Tommy SUCKKKAHHHHH and you can’t kill me because I am already gone! You’d kill me if I were here but I’m not cause I’m probably like on top of the Eiffel Tower as you’re reading this and also you SMELL!” But when she and Tommy go to the photo shop, it’s already been vacated, and they sheepishly return home to find that Jimmy’s already there and the note’s already gone. Welp, she’s dead.

Speaking of dead, Agent Baby is back on duty, but Van Alden keeps grilling him about the witness shooting and doesn’t buy his story no matter how many times he tries to explain it:

Not only does something in the story “not add up,” but Van Alden is also extra-skeptical of Agent Baby because he’s Jewish and thus doesn’t share the proper respect for hellfire and church pants. I know being Jewish in the 20s is tough, dude, but don’t worry – the century gets WAY better for your people.

To re-establish Agent Baby’s cover, Nucky gives him the location of a bootlegging operation and tells him to bust it, but he and Van Alden go there, all they find is a group of people performing a bootlegged copy of O Brother Where Art Thou. Van Alden exchanges pleasantries with a group of black Christians in the midst of being baptized by a deacon, and later in the episode, realizes he can baptize Agent Baby to force the truth out of him lest he face judgment from above (doin’ things by the book for 20s law enforcement.)

He asks the deacon if he can perform the baptism himself, and the deacon agrees, as long as he’s not completely f***ing nuts and devoted to his job in a dangerously obsessive fashion. Van Alden’s like “Nope, I am cool, my brother.” (This interaction would later up to be the film Bringing Down The House.)

The baptism proceeds pretty much without incident:

Van Alden looks up at the deacon and delivers the one-liner, “Looks like Baby just got aborted.” He walks back through the horrified crowd, having — despite his best efforts — actually served a twisted form of justice.

In general, this week’s Boardwalk Empire included some of the season’s tightest, best-acted, and most interesting scenes — the Nucky / Margaret argument, the Nucky / Eli argument, and the tense moments when Angela returned to Jimmy — but man, the entire Van Alden / baptism subplot was absurd, giving the episode a weirdly uneven feel, like a sandwich that’s half a great sandwich and half totally absurd [Ed Note - Improve this analogy.]

Although, I’m probably just bitter because this ends my Agent Baby jokes. But man did I get some mileage out of that Baby Detective Stock Photo I bought from Getty Images with our VH1 account:

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Larry King Will Do Stand Up Comedy Now

Posted: 30 Nov 2010 12:41 PM PST

We are all buying tickets to Larry King‘s first show no matter how much it costs or where it is. From an interview with New York Magazine:

"I might do Internet stuff." One definite project is a comedy tour. "I'm funny," says King. "I'm going to do stand-up. That's what I love."

First of all, it’s crazy how much more suited he is to assume the stage name Larry The Cable Guy than is the actual Larry The Cable Guy.

Secondly, I strongly recommend you read the rest of the interview. JUST KIDDING. Good god. Don’t do that. It’s literally a whole interview with Larry King. But you know you’re excited to see Larry King do stand-up. You hope he puts together a whole hour. And furthermore, You hope it is absolutely filthy. You want him to do 15 minutes on using his suspenders to hold up a condom. You want that. You want  gross loose skin jokes. He should get arrested Lenny Bruce style for what you want from this man in his stand-up comedy.

Is Matt Lauer Angling To Replace Steve Carell On The Office?

Posted: 30 Nov 2010 12:58 PM PST

That’s the only explanation we can think of why he began giggling like a schoolgirl when a classic “That’s what she said!” moment occurred during this otherwise innocuous segment of this morning’s Today Show.

Also! We would like to award bonus brownie points to the crack Today Show producer who inserted a bullet point into this presentation that read “Pay attention to package size.” Wise words, indeed.

[Thanks to the Today Show Tumblr!]

The Kay Jewelers Storm Commercial Just Won’t Die

Posted: 30 Nov 2010 12:26 PM PST

Last year, Kay Jewelers began airing a commercial that featured a couple in a cabin during a thunderstorm clinging to one another and saying sentences that people who aren’t characters in Kay Jewelers commercials never say to one another.

The past few weeks, this ad has been resurrected and is now airing NON-STOP during Kay’s annual holiday-ads blitzkrieg, because apparently, no one who works for Kay’s was able to watch this and instantly think “Holy sh*t, is that guy going to murder her and dance with her corpse? Cause that’s really what it sounds like.”

“Don’t let go…EVER.” That sounds like something Jessica Alba should be saying at the end of Fantastic Four 2 while clinging desperately to the Silver Surfer’s board. If that’s how couples are supposed to talk to one another, my girlfriend and I are DROPPING. THE. BALL. We watched The Squeakquel last week.

NFL WEEK 12 RECAP: Giving Thanks For Other Channels

Posted: 30 Nov 2010 11:34 AM PST

Your NFL Week 12 Recap, in the form of stupid pictures:


Patriots 45, Lions 24

…Which is why so many pilgrims died from smallpox.


Jets 26, Bengals 10

After squeaking out last-second wins against mediocre teams like seven weeks in a row, the Jets won this one convincingly, much to the delight of Fan Who Definitely Has No Interest In The Smell Of The Model Glue He Used On His Jet:


Saints 30, Cowboys 27

“Any chance they miraculously stopped having Detroit and Dallas play this year? No? Alright, flip back to Tommy Boy” – Every Household last Thursday


Steelers 19, Bills 16 (OT)

After the game, new Steelers kicker Shaun Suisham was asked about making four long field goals after being unemployed 2 weeks ago, and replied, “Don’t know how else to put it, we have a great God.”

Meanwhile, Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson, who dropped an easy game-winning pass in Overtime, Tweeted this after the game:

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: Do we actually have a Great God? All we know for sure is that he definitely exists and affects football.


Chiefs 42, Seahawks 24

Speaking of God, he also had KC in his suicide pool this week:


Texans 20, Titans 0

“What happened, did the Texans promote their CHEERLEADER-HOTNESS Coach to Defensive Coordinator??” – Football Watchin’ Dude

The game also featured a huge brawl, which occurred after both teams simultaneously realized that they’re gonna miss the playoffs even though they’d easily win the NFC West:


Falcons 20, Packers 17

Wait, never mind Texans, I’ll stick with the Packers’ Cheerleaders:


Browns 24, Panthers 23

The most meaningless game of the week ended up being one of the most exciting, with the Panthers missing a last-second field goal to finally give the Browns a reason to celebrate (and levitate):


Giants 24, Jaguars 20

My Giants-fan roommate summed this one up: “The Giants weren’t, like, humans in the First Half.” But they recovered in time to keep this game from being another “Is anyone in the league actually good?” question-everything games:


Vikings 17, Redskins 13

After coaching defenses for 10 years and never getting a shot as a head coach, Vikings assistant Leslie Frazier won his first game as Minnesota’s interim head coach, looking downright giddy on the sidelines:


Dolphins 33, Raiders 17

The Raiders lost for a second straight week, but Jacoby Ford provided us with our “Players Are Way Too Frickin’ Good Now” catch of the week:


Ravens 17, Buccaneers 10

The Bucs continued their trend of beating every team with a losing record and losing to every team with a winning record, thanks in no small part to the Baltimore crowd’s loudness and confusing Mardi Gras attire:


Bears 31, Eagles 26

The Bears really sent a message to all their doubters, meaning, me, all of my Chicago friends, and everyone else. Sorry, Mike Martz, but you actually might be going to the playoffs:


Rams 36, Broncos 33

I had no interest in watching this game, but a scene from Twin Peaks apparently happened:


Chargers 36, Colts 14

Chargers : Colts :: Rock : Scissors. Well, if Rock was poorly coached and always got off to slow starts but had enough talent and a weak enough division to bounce back and make the Rock Playoffs every year.


49ers 27, Cardinals 6

Aaaand last but not least, take us out, Derek Anderson postgame tirade!

Here’s A Video Of An Otter F*CKING ATTACKING A PERSON!

Posted: 30 Nov 2010 10:31 AM PST

Whaaaaaat? What? Seriously. Whut? There are otters in Florida? And one attacked somebody? And also other otters have attacked other people in some sort of otter attack spree? Why don’t the people being attacked just kick the otters? Which ones are otters and which ones are beavers again? Which one does what with wood? Can I borrow some tissues? MOM?! Mom!!! I need my mom.

Daaaaaad!! Where’s Moooooooom??!! That was horrendable (horrendous/adorable?)

Thanks, Huffpost Green Section.

This Guy Wants A Million Dollars And Millionaires Should Give It To Him

Posted: 30 Nov 2010 09:55 AM PST

There is a guy named Craig Rowin. He wants a million dollars. We’ve all thought about this before. We’ve all wanted to meet Bill Gates or someone and just straight up ask him for a million dollars. But this guy did it much more eloquently than you or I would have done it.

I’m actually a little nervous that this guy will get a million dollars and then I’ll have to live the rest of my life upset with myself for not doing this first.

Also, this guy looks like everyone who has ever been to summer camp. He looks exactly like Josh, Jason, David, Eric etc., etc.

Thanks to Eliot at Urlesque.
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