Crushable

Conspiracy Theory: Courtney Stodden Is Actually a 35-Year-Old Performance Artist
Gallery: Celebrities As Your Favorite Halloween Candy
Sunday Cute: Cats in Hats!
Creepy Things That Seem Real But Aren’t: The Black-Eyed Children
Lady Gaga’s Sister Natali Germanotta Is All Grown Up

Conspiracy Theory: Courtney Stodden Is Actually a 35-Year-Old Performance Artist

Posted: 02 Oct 2011 10:15 AM PDT

We're all aware of how ridiculous child bride Courtney Stodden is. We thought she was ridiculous when we first heard that she had married a 51-year-old man, and the more we see of her, the more ridiculous she gets. But I have a theory, and that theory is this: that Courtney Stodden is actually a 35-year-old performance artist who has created the character of an ultra-sexual teenager in order to comment on society's views of sex. When you think about it, it's kind of brilliant in a weird sort of way. What better way to make society reexamine itself than by shoving something so ridiculous that is allegedly of its own creation right back in its face?

Let's take a look at the evidence, shall we?

Exhibit A: Her Appearance

We're all familiar with this picture:

Yes, there are rumors of plastic surgery. Yes, those rumors have been denied time and time again. But really, will any amount of plastic surgery make a 16-year-old look like that?

Okay, I'll concede that the answer to that question is probably yes. But still: LOOK AT HER. SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S 35. Why would a teenager want to look like she's 35? 35 is ANCIENT from a teenager's perspective!

Of course, she married a 51-year-old, which is even MORE ancient to a teenager than 35—but that's where this part of the theory fits in: If she's 35 and he's 51, there's still a pretty significant age gap (16 years), but not enough of one to really turn heads. But wait! I know! If we widen that gap—how does, say, 30-odd years sound?—it'll DEFINITELY get peoples' attention! Isn't that a great publicity stunt? What a way to kick off the ultimate performance art project!

Of course, one can always cite that shot in which she looks relatively normal at the age of 15 as proof against this, but they can work wonders with digital photo manipulation these days. Benjamin Button, much?

Exhibit B: Her Twitter
We've talked about this before. Many times. Many, many times. Because it's RIDICULOUS. There's no possible way anyone, even a teenager, could think these kinds of things are actually sexy, right? Let alone something that you'd want to launch out into the public sphere? UNLESS, that is, it's all part of the routine. There's a fine line between ridiculous and genius; maybe Courtney's Twitter has purposely been designed to be so ridiculous that it actually circles right back around to genius. Is it really possible for someone who was allegedly a virgin before she got married to become this hypersexualized so quickly? Maybe it's some sort of super-meta commentary on how the the rapid sexualization of teens in the Internet age.

Exhibit C: This Interview
Last week, Radar Online conducted this interview with Courtney. You probably heard about it, even if you haven't watched it; this is the one in which she claimed to have been for 24 hours straight on her wedding night. Later, when asked what she would study if she went to college, she replied, “I would go to college and study all of Doug [Hutchison]. All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun.” Throughout the interview, she managed to contort her body constantly into bizarre shapes that I believe are intended to be sexy. And here's what I took away from it: This wacky Courtney person is just as outrageous as Andy Kaufman's Tony Clifton character, so the only plausible explanation must be that she, too, is a character! This one's goal must be to push the boundaries of what's considered "sexy" so as to comment on society's views of sexiness at large.

Proven? Perhaps not, but the theory still stands. Courtney Stodden baffles me so much that it's the only way I can make sense of her. You know what I'm really waiting for? Her reality show. The whole project has to end one of these days—and wouldn't it be a great stunt to use the conclusion of the reality show to reveal that Courtney has been having us on all along? That's how I'd play it if it were my project.

I suppose we'll just have to wait and see how it plays out. I'm watching, Courtney. I see what you're doing. And I promise you, I'll get to the bottom of it. Oh yes. I will.

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Gallery: Celebrities As Your Favorite Halloween Candy

Posted: 02 Oct 2011 08:45 AM PDT

Last week, we celebrated the arrival of fall by comparing celebrities to seasonal Starbucks beverages. This week, we’re celebrating the arrival of October– and Halloween season!– by comparing celebrities to Halloween candy. Who’s a 3 Musketeers bar? Who’s candy corn? Who’s the highly-regarded Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup? Read on to find out!

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Sunday Cute: Cats in Hats!

Posted: 02 Oct 2011 07:15 AM PDT

Part of me feels bad for giving you guys another cat video. Only part of me, though. The rest of me is saying, “LOOK! CATS! CATS IN HATS!” Because a video of a whole lot of cats wearing hats is exactly what you need on a Sunday morning. Good morning. Happy Sunday. Go forth.

[Via Buzzfeed]

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Creepy Things That Seem Real But Aren’t: The Black-Eyed Children

Posted: 01 Oct 2011 02:40 PM PDT

Creepy Things That Seem Real But Aren't is a series that explores modern urban legends, bringing you a new tale each week.

On January 16, 1998, a journalist named Brian Bethel posted a message to a ghost-hunting newsgroup prefaced with the following text:

"Ghosters:

Well, believe it or not, the Ram Page follow-up still languishes unfinished on my hard drive. I don’t know when I’ll have it done, and I’ll probably have to break it up into multiple posts to get it in any way manageable. Patience, I pray.

But since a lot of people seem to be requesting this one, here’s some info on those darned black-eyed kids.

I’ve just woken up from a mega nap. It’s 1 a.m. I’ll never get to sleep again. So why not write, eh? I guess I was exhausted from too many forays onto Sixth Street in Austin at my reporting conference.

Enjoy. Or whatever."

Whatever the Ram Page follow-up was has been lost to history; but the important part is that second paragraph. This, you see, was the beginning of the legend known as THE BLACK-EYED CHILDREN.

What happened is this:

Bethel's Internet bill was due. This was back in 1998, remember, so the comparative ease of bill-paying these days hadn't quite made its way into the world yet. Once upon a time, Bethel's service provider had a location at a shopping center, and at that location was a drop box. At roughly 9:30pm, Bethel grabbed his checkbook and made the 15-minute drive from his apartment to downtown Abilene, Texas. Next to the drop box location was a $.150 movie theater; at the time, Bethel remembers, it had been playing Mortal Kombat. He pulled into an empty parking space in front of the theater and began writing out his check under the glowing marquee.

It was then that he heard a knock on the driver's side window of his car. When he looked up, he saw two children standing in front of the window.

The children, Bethel wrote in his newsgroup post, were both boys; he estimated their ages as being between 10 and 14 years, though he couldn't be sure if that was accurate. They were, he said, "in that semi-mystical stage of life children get into where you can't exactly tell their age." It's notable that only of the boys spoke during the ensuing exchange. The other remained silent.

The first boy—the one who did the speaking—was the taller of the two, and he wore a hooded, grey-checked shirt and jeans. He had an olive-colored complexion and curly, longish brown hair. He had, Bethel noted, "an air of quiet confidence." The second, silent boy had pale, freckled skin and strawberry blond hair, and he wore a hooded shirt similar to his companion's, though it was green instead of grey. In contrast to the taller boy's calm demeanor, this boy was shifty and fidgety; he kept glancing around nervously. Bethel didn't think they were brothers.

At first, Bethel thought they were going to ask him for money. But then something strange happened: "The air changed." And that was when he know that there was something stranger than usual going on. And yet still, Bethel rolled down his window. "Yes?" he asked.

The taller boy smiled. "Hey, mister, what's up?" he said. "We have a problem. You see, my friend and I want to see the films, but we forgot our money. We need to go to our house to get it. Want to help us out?"

The boy's bearing disturbed Bethel. As a journalist, he noted, he spends a lot of his time talking to people, and that includes children. According to Bethel's experience, children are usually hesitant when talking to strangers. They may stutter and stammer, they shuffle their feet; "in short," Bethel wrote, "they're usually apologetic. People generally teach children that when they talk to adults, they're usually bothering them for one reason or another and they should at least be polite."

Not so for this boy. He was totally in control, fearless. He spoke in such a way as to communicate, "I already know you're going to help me."

Bethel hesitated. "Uh, well…" he began.

The boys were none too pleased with his hesitation. The silent one looked shocked that the grown-up in the car hadn't immediately opened his doors. The talkative one tried again. "C'mon, mister. Now, we just want to go to our house. And we're just two little boys."

Something, Bethel sensed, was very, very wrong here. He stalled for time; eventually, he asked the boys what movie they were going to see. "Mortal Kombat, of course," the taller boy replied. Bethel glanced at the marquee and saw that the last showing of the evening had already begun an hour earlier. "C'mon, mister. Let us in. We can't get in your car until you do, you know," the boy continued. "Just let us in, and we'll be gone before you know it. We'll go to our mother's house."

Against his better judgment, Bethel's hand started making its way to the locking mechanism on the car's door. But then, for the first time, Bethel noticed the two boys' eyes.

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Lady Gaga’s Sister Natali Germanotta Is All Grown Up

Posted: 01 Oct 2011 09:49 PM PDT

Remember Lady Gaga’s sister? The one who made an appearance in the “Telephone” video? Well, Natali Germanotta is 19 now, and boy has she grown up nicely. And hey, look! She’s in Teen Vogue!

In fact, she’s a fashion student at the New School’s Parsons School of Design in New York, which you may know better as the workroom location in Project Runway. Her sense of style may not be as out there as her sister’s, but Natali is certainly making a mark herself. I can definitely see the family resemblance, too– it’s all in the bone structure. Check out some more photos from the shoot:

It must be tough having Gaga as your sister, but Natali seems to be doing just fine. Love the blue there. I’m also impressed by her ability to stand on one foot while wearing those shoes.