Crushable

Reasons Not to Use Snooki’s Self-Tanning Products
Gallery: Happy Birthday, Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Reynolds’ Abs! (Possibly NSFW)
Sunday Cute: Red Pandas Can’t Stop Kissing
Creepy Things That Seem Real But Aren’t: The Staircase
Are You Occupying Wall Street? Because MTV’S Real World Wants You
How to Cure a Hangover, by Hunter S. Thompson

Reasons Not to Use Snooki’s Self-Tanning Products

Posted: 23 Oct 2011 10:19 AM PDT

You guys. Snooki is releasing a line of self-tanner.

I'm serious. Snooki Self-Tanner, brought to you by Supre Tan. It's called Smart Tan. I really don't know what exactly is smart about it, though; Snooki Self-Tanner doesn't sound very smart to me. Then again, I don't generally use self-tanner, so maybe I'm just not seeing the wisdom in it.
But when I look at Snooki—really, when I look at the entire cast of Jersey Shore– I just think, "ORANGE!" And that in and of itself is enough of a reason not to use Snooki's Smart Tan, don't you think?

Not convinced? Well, then, let's take a look at the evidence.

First, there's this:

Would you want your face to look like that? I thought not. It's possible that this is for a variety of reasons, but the orangeness is certainly one of them.

Then there's this:

The Situation is an unfortunate accessory to have; however, he is not as unfortunate as dark orange legs are.

And then there was the infamous pickle costume:

Remember that whole thing where green is opposite on the color wheel to orange? Well, if you forgot, that image would certainly remind you, wouldn't it?

And then, finally, there's this:

Wherein Snooki's skin matches her dress. This is a big, big no-no.

So now that you've seen all the evidence, what do you think? Not a very good idea, is it? I thought not. But the thing that really gets me is that I'm sure that someone, somewhere will buy it. And they will use it. And then we will be saddled with one more overly-orange self-tanning mutant, who will then, zombie-like, pass on their orange mutant genes to someone else. The next thing you know, we'll be facing an orange zombie apocalypse, and then where will we be?

Oh dear. I'd better go and get the bunker ready.

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Gallery: Happy Birthday, Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Reynolds’ Abs! (Possibly NSFW)

Posted: 23 Oct 2011 08:49 AM PDT

You guys! Ryan Reynolds and his abs turn 35 today! Let's celebrate both of them, shall we? Because they deserve it, no matter who they are or aren't dating. Happy birthday, you two! (Note: Just to be on the safe side, we’re marking this NSFW. Because the abs may be too much for your boss to handle.)

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Sunday Cute: Red Pandas Can’t Stop Kissing

Posted: 23 Oct 2011 07:15 AM PDT

Do you remember that video of otters holding hands? Do you remember how cute it was? And how no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't stop watching it? Well, I have a new adorable display of animal affection that you won't be able to tear your eyes away from: Two red pandas who just don't seem to be able to stop kissing each other. I mean, red pandas are pretty cute in and of themselves; but red pandas in love? Awwww!

Happy Sunday!

[Via Buzzfeed]

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Creepy Things That Seem Real But Aren’t: The Staircase

Posted: 20 Oct 2011 03:35 PM PDT

Creepy Things That Seem Real But Aren't is a series that explores modern urban legends, bringing you a new tale each week.

There is a doorway in a building on the campus of an unnamed university. The door and its frame are made of reinforced steel, and it locks with an electro-release lock mechanism. At first glance, it appears to be nothing more than a janitorial closet. But the door will not open unless it is a certain number of electricity is applied while the door's key is inserted and rotated counter-clockwise. Lest this opening procedure seem overly complicated, however, be assured that it is not. For if the door were easy to open, there is no telling how many countless individuals would have fallen prey to what lies behind it.

For behind it lies an anomaly known only as THE STAIRCASE.

The opened door reveals an unlit platform staircase. The stairs descend at a 38-degree angle for 13 steps, after which they arrive at a semicircular platform approximately 3 meters in diameter. The next set of 13 steps resumes leading from the platform as a 180-degree rotation from the initial set of steps. The structure of the stairwell is such that subjects may only see 1.5 flights from any given location. There are no windows or light fixtures. Lighting sources brought into the stairwell brighter than 74 watts have proven ineffective; it is believed that the stairwell absorbs excess light.

Subjects who have ventured into and returned from the stairwell report crying sounds roughly 200 meters below the initial platform. The crying appears to be that of a pleading child. Any attempts to follow and locate the source of the crying, however, have been unsuccessful; no matter how far a subject descends the staircase, the crying remains consistently at a sound of 200 meters below.

It is unknown whether the staircase has an endpoint.

Several expeditions have been sent into the staircase in order to determine the source of the crying. Equipment has varied from expedition to expedition.

Summary of expeditions:

EXPEDITION 1

Subject: Caucasian male, 43 years of age, average build and appearance. Psychological background is unremarkable.

Equipment:
One (1) 75-watt flood lamp with 24 hours of battery life
One (1) handheld camcorder with transmission stream linking subject with Control
One (1) audio headset linking subject with Control

Subject steps through doorway onto initial platform. Light from flood lamp illuminates only the first 9 steps. Subject is unable to see second platform. Subject shines flood lamp back out of door and into the building proper. The light reaches significantly further. Control instructs subject to continue down stairwell. Subject complies.

Subject descends 13 steps. Upon arrival at second platform, subject rotates 180 to descend down next set of steps. Subject pauses. Control requests reason for stopping. Subject replies, "You hear that? There's a fucking kid down there. Sounds like one. Control requests for subject to describe sound. Subject replies, "It's young. Either female or a very young boy. It's crying and sobbing and saying…" Subject pauses. "Please…" Subject pauses. "Help…" Subject pauses. "Please." Subject pauses. "Yeah, it keeps repeating that and crying." Subject estimates crying is 200 meters down from current location. Control instructs subject to continue. Subject complies.

Subject descends 13 steps. Control picks up audio of crying child as described by subject. Control instructs subject to continue, with the instructions to stop if he notices any changes in the audio or environment.

Subject descends 3 steps. He stops. "Keep going?" he asks Control. Control confirms. Subject continues.

Subject descends 17 flights. Subject informs Control, "I'm not getting any fucking closer to the kid." Audio data confirms that crying remains 200 meters below subject. Control instructs subject to continue.

Subject descends 28 flights. Subject is on 51st landing platform, approximately 200 meters below initial platform. 34 minutes have elapsed since subject's initial descent. Volume of crying remains consistent. Subject informs Control, "I feel a little uneasy." Control assures subject that it is natural to feel uneasy after spending a long time in a dark, unknown stairwell. Control instructs subject to continue. Subject hesitates, then complies.

Subject's flood lamp illuminates a face at the bottom of the next flight. It appears human, though it lacks a mouth, nostrils, and pupils. Face is motionless, but makes direct eye contact with subject. Subject begins yelling. Control requests that subject describe what he is seeing. Subject complies: "It's some sort of fucking person face thing and it's fucking looking right at me fuck fuck fuck it's looking right at me—" Control asks whether the face is moving. Subject states that it's "just staring at [him]" and that "it's creepy." Control instructs subject to approach and further illuminate the entity. Subject resists.

Face moves rapidly towards subject.

Subject panics and rapidly ascends the staircase. He reaches the ground floor in 18 minutes. He collapses and passes out. The face does not appear to have followed him.

Distance traveled: 50 flights (650 steps).
Time elapsed: 52 minutes.
Notes: Footage confirms that number of flights and steps descending equal those ascending. Audio of crying remains at consistent volume until the last flight, after which it ceases. Medical analysis reveals subject's collapse as result of fatigue caused by rapid ascension of stairs.

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Are You Occupying Wall Street? Because MTV’S Real World Wants You

Posted: 22 Oct 2011 01:14 PM PDT

I've got good news for you, and I've got bad news for you. I'd ask you which you want first, but since I can't really do that right now, I'll just go ahead and give you the good news first: It took an entire month for MTV to hop on the Occupy Wall Street bandwagon and start trying to exploit it! Hoorah! And the bad news? You guessed it: MTV has hopped on the Occupy Wall Street bandwagon and has started trying to exploit it. Sigh.

Earlier this week, an ad popped up on Craigslist. It's a casting call for MTV's Real World, and it's specifically seeking cast members who are participating in Occupy Wall Street. The usual stipulations—be over age 20, appear to be between the ages of 20 and 24, etc.—apply. Here's what the listing says:

"MTV’s Real World is seeking cast members to tell their unique stories on our show. If you are over the age of 20 and appear to be between the ages of 20-24, and the description below sounds like you, we want to hear from you!

Are you a part of the OCCUPY WALL STREET movement?

If so, please contact realworldcasting@bunim-murray.com. Your subject heading should be YOUR NAME and WALL STREET.

Please attach 3 RECENT PHOTOS and a brief BIO, including your full NAME, DATE OF BIRTH (for ID purposes only) as well as your CONTACT INFORMATION including PHONE #."

So here's what I want to know: Would the kind of person who's occupying Wall Street be the same kind of person who would want to appear on Real World? My gut reaction says no—but then at the same time, my gut has been wrong before, so it's quite possible that it's wrong here, too. Real World isn't exactly known for casting the sharpest tools in the shed, although I suppose it has had its fair share of politically outspoken folk. Maybe I'm pigeonholing people too easily. Actually, now that I think about it, this could be a really interesting situation: MTV is great at exploiting people and things for their own gain, right? Well, how awesome would it be for someone to turn that right around and exploit MTV for their own gain? Or rather, for the good of the cause?

And you know what? The casting ad is legit. Of course, when it first hit, we weren’t really sure whether it was or not– it was always possible that it was some scam or other (this IS Craigslist we're talking about, after all). But the Hollywood Reporter checked up on it with Bunim/Murray, and their camp has confirmed that it’s real. Ho hum.

What do you think of this whole thing, readers? Is this an awesome opportunity for a politically-minded individual to get their message across to a wider audience? Or is it just MTV being MTV as always?

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How to Cure a Hangover, by Hunter S. Thompson

Posted: 22 Oct 2011 11:49 AM PDT

A whole bunch of Hunter S. Thompson's letters have recently been recovered. In many ways, this is exciting; reading these letters and realizing that they were actually addressed to real, live people is an experience like no other. He was SUCH a curmudgeon. Seriously.

However, the one downside to these letters now being out in the public sphere is that Hunter's questionable hangover cure has now been released into the wild.
In the event that you are unable to decipher Hunter's messy scrawl, this is what it says: