Best Week Ever |
- Cute English Homeless Hamster Alert
- Video: These Corgis Are Really Good At Tetherball
- The 10 Best Ridiculous Non Football Related Super Bowl Bets
- Johnny Dollar’s Steelers Song Wins The Internet.
- 10 Black Actors Who Should Be Superman
- The White Stripes Break Up And Go Off Into The Cold Cold Night
- 10 Ways The New Yorker Would Like You To Know That Guillermo del Toro Is Fat
- Gay Millionaire Contestant Hates John McCain
- Trailer Mix: Bridesmaids May Be Good. Or Not Good At All.
- 5 Questions About The Tila Tequila Sex Tape
- How Much Would You Pay For A Pair Of Self-Lacing Sneakers?
| Cute English Homeless Hamster Alert Posted: 03 Feb 2011 08:41 AM PST You know us at BWE. Always alerting you to cute homeless hamsters in England. Anyway. Can you imagine if this adorable hamster, named Hammy by the people who found him at the railroad station in Dorset, England, were a rat? And the rat hung out in a toilet paper tube? I’d be horrified. As it is, I want to follow the adventures of Hammy the Hamster as he travels Britain by rail, in a tiny coach car made of toilet paper rolls and crisp bags. (Crisps. England).
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| Video: These Corgis Are Really Good At Tetherball Posted: 03 Feb 2011 07:54 AM PST They are way better at tetherball than Napoleon Dynamite. Remember how bad he was at tetherball? No? Me either. Is tetherball that intuitive of a game that even a corgi can figure out the rules? Or are these super smart athletic corgis who will one day rule us all? Fingers crossed for the latter! |
| The 10 Best Ridiculous Non Football Related Super Bowl Bets Posted: 03 Feb 2011 12:14 AM PST This is a list of 10 Real But Ridiculous 2011 Super Bowl Prop Bets — all of which have nothing to do with the actual game itself — along with their odds (explained here) and my supremely expert betting advice that is absolutely GUARANTEED to win you CA$$$$$H!!! (Not really). Enough brief explaining, let’s get to the bet$:
10. How long will Christina Aguilera hold the note "Brave" at the end of the National Anthem? (Time starts from when she starts saying “Brave” until her the note ends. If she says the full word twice wagers will be No Action.) Over 6 seconds: -140 BET: Under. This is a classic prop bet where the odds are clearly titled towards the more fun/ridiculous option to bet; it’s amusing to bet money that Christina Aguilera will hold a note for a stupidly long amount of time, but is anyone actually flying to Vegas so they can very confidently lay a bunch of money on Christina Aguilera holding a note for a not-that-long amount of time? That’s like buying a ticket to The Mechanic and rooting for it to be mostly ok. Don’t fall into the “fun” trap – take the boring angle. 6 seconds is really, really long, and if there’s any pregame memorial ceremony (as in, something honoring the victims in Tucson or The Egyptian internet), it’ll guilt Christina into being slightly less exhibitiony with her performance, plus the Super Bowl tv schedule is exceedingly rigid. Take the even money and pray for Xtina sanity.
9. What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team? Yellow: 3/2 If you believe the Steelers have a 50% chance of winning the game and a 90% of using yellow Gatorade if they do, and that the Packers at least have a 60-80% chance of using yellow Gatorade if they win, then laying $100 on Yellow to win $150 isn’t such a bad proposition. Orange at 3-to-1 isn’t a bad bet if you’re feeling adventurous, but Clear at 2-1 seems a little uninspired. Nothing about this paragraph is absurd.
8. How Many Times will FOX mention "Brett Favre" on TV during the Game? (Wager is on the number of times "Brett Favre" will be mentioned on TV during the Game from kick off until final whistle. Live commentary only, Any Taped or Past Video does not count towards wager, must say "Brett Favre" exactly.) Over 2.5: -140 BET: Under. As ubiquitous as Favre has been (ubiquitous means “penis penis,” right?) on sportscasters’ lips over the past 15+ years, I don’t see how he’ll come up during Fox’s on-air Super Bowl broadcast more than once, and during that conversation, I can’t imagine Buck and Aikman saying the full name “Brett Favre” three distinct times, rather than just “Favre” or “Dr. Textypeens”. Betting against announcers’ tendencies to mention Brett Favre is a tricky proposition, but the whole “Aaron Rodgers drafted but sat while Favre played” backstory should be covered in the 27 hours of pregame, and at Even Money, taking the “Under” here is a smart bet; the “Over” odds are almost certainly inflated because Vegas doesn’t expect anyone to make the way-too-boring opposite bet, like betting against Christina’s long note, only penis. Are we aiming for FUN here or SERIOUS CASH MONEY? NEITHER?? OK, FAIR ANSWER. BUT I STAND BY MY YELL WRITING.
7. Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the Game thank first? God: +150 Bet: Teammates. You have to figure, if Green Bay wins, Aaron Rodgers is the overwhelming favorite to be the MVP (barring a substantial game from Clay Matthews or Charles Woodson, or an unusually gaudy statline from a receiver in their usually-balanced passing attack), and Rodgers is nominally both Christian and Jewish, like me, and I never thank God for sh*t. And I won a LOT of Super Bowls with untackleable Barry Sanders in Madden ’93. If Ben Roethlisberger wins MVP, a God-thanking is nearly certain (if there’s ever been a time for him to more consciously play up his faith, it’s this Sunday), but even if the Steelers win, Roethlisberger’s probably only about a 60% bet to be named Most Valuable — receivers have won the MVP in the Steelers’ last two Super Bowl wins, plus Roethlisberger’s stats haven’t been overwhelming in the playoffs thusfar and a defensive player could very plausibly determine the outcome for the Steelers. Take ‘Teammates’ at 2.5-to-1. Who doesn’t like Teammates?
6. Will Christina Aguilera wear a cowboy hat while singing the National Anthem? BET: No. Bodog.com is not currently offering a “no” option to bet on, but in case someone does, I just searched the Getty Images database for “Christina Aguilera Cowboy Hat” and found ZERO pictures of her wearing a cowboy hat out of more than 15,000 photos of her. Merely appearing in Texas shouldn’t reverse this overwhelming trend, especially when she’s probably aware of this prop bet existing and won’t want to be predictable, plus she grew up in Pittsburgh and surely would get called out for being pro-Dallas or just being flagrantly faux-country. If you can’t find the “No” offered somewhere, then just stay away from the “Yes” – it’s basically throwing money away for a decent but unspectacular 3-to-1 return. If Jessica Simpson were singing the Anthem, on the other hand, then that’d be a different story – we’d get to see the odds reach the rare “blabillion” mark.
5. If there is a picture of someone holding the Lombardi Trophy on the Cover of the USA Today on Monday February 7th, who will it be? (If 2 or more people are holding trophy all wagers will be No Action. Must be a clear picture of 1 person holding the trophy or wagers will be No Action.) Aaron Rodgers: 3/2 Bet: Clay Matthews. Aaron Rodgers at 3-to-2 is a pretty safe bet, and I also like “Any Other Pittsburgh Player” at 2-to-1 for the reasons I listed in the MVP bet above, but as far as big-money longshots on this list of stupid prop bets go, what’s wrong with throwing a twenty on Clay Matthews at 15-to-1 to snag $300? Matthews is extremely identifiable, Fox has bent over backwards to cut to him on the sidelines non-stop during every Packers broadcast, and Troy Aikman (and most other color commentators) constantly refer to him as “my pick for Defensive Player of the Year” (which he just lost out on), so you know that if he has a memorable game (scores a TD, or like 3 sacks and a forced fumble), coupled with sportswriters’ Oscars-like desire to display advanced knowledge by not always picking the predictable choice, he’s got a shot at MVP even if Rodgers’ stats are excellent. A picture of Matthews holding the trophy alone isn’t exceedingly likely, but certainly better than 15-to-1. Although, I do enjoy the concept of “Any Other Person” at 15-1, in the event that, like, Keith Urban just runs onstage and is like “YEAH!!!”
4. Will Fergie be dressed as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader at any point during the Halftime show? (Must be completely dressed as an authentic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader for Yes to be graded as the winner.) Yes: +500 Bet: Yes. Like the Xtina Cowboy Hat prop, here’s another bet with only a “Yes” option. I was initially going to write how stupid betting “Yes” would be, given that the Dallas Cowboys have nothing to do with this game and dressing as a Cowboys cheerleader would only further rub in the fact that Dallas didn’t even come close to playing in the Super Bowl at their home stadium, plus the outfit would be as cliched as it would be nonsensical, so why even take the chance? Then I remembered that these are the Black Eyed Peas performing. Taking 5-to-1 odds that they’ll do something cliched and nonsensical is prrrobably not the worst idea in the world.
3. Who will FOX show first on TV during the game? Jessica Szohr (Aaron Rodgers' Girlfriend): -140 BET: Szohr. I’ve watched every Steeler game this season and can’t recall offhand a deliberate cut-away to Ashley Harlan in any of them, and the last thing she or Roethlisberger needs is even more personal attention on them during a media-blitz filled week (not that this would stop Fox from cutting to her, just that she’d probably request not to be filmed, or at least sit somewhere less conspicuous). Dropping money on Szohr (a hot actress) at -140 won’t exactly net you Press Your Luck Big Bucks, but in terms of likelihood, it’s practically Smooth Jimmy’s Lock Of The Week.
2. Which region will have the higher local TV Rating? Pittsburgh: -140 BET: Pittsburgh. Even though Packers fans have the added excitement of not having been to the Super Bowl as recently as their Steeler counterparts, keep in mind that Wisconsin is littered with pockets of Bears fans and Vikings fans, whereas no one from outside Pittsburgh has moved to downtown Pittsburgh in about thirty years (take it from me and my thirty Pittsburgh friends living within three blocks of each other in New York.) Pittsburgh consistently dominates local tv ratings for NFL and NHL games (the city just had the second-highest local rating for the NHL All-Star Game even with Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin both not playing), plus the actual Pittsburgh city limits are extremely narrowly defined — rest assured, literally nothing will be occurring in the city Sunday night without seven tvs nearby. If just one disgruntled Bears fan in Wisconsin goes to bed early out of protest, this one’s money in the bank.
1. Which Super Bowl commercial will have a higher rating on USA Today’s annual Ad Meter? Bud Light 11/4 BET: Other. The best Super Bowl commercials usually come from slightly less obvious names who’ve put all their eggs into one thirty-second Super Bowl basket, so they have to make their one moment extra-memorable. Even if Bud Light or Pepsi hits the mark — Pepsi will surely have at least one celeb cameo that USA Today will gush over — they’ll each likely have several commercials throughout the broadcast that’ll obscure their water-cooler impact the following day, whereas some other company (think GoDaddy’s first Super Bowl year) will generate the most buzz. All the commercials will be mediocre, of course, and everyone will complain about how bad they were this year and forget that Super Bowl commercials were never good, but that whiny sentence isn’t an option. At 2.5-to-1, taking The Field is a solid bet. Come onnnn, comic geniuses at IBM……. Although, what’s to stop some USA Today culture columnist from throwing a bunch of money on a longshot here and totally rigging the results? Pocket some quick cash, fly to Tahiti, and laugh into a Mai Tai while his former industry crumples? Now that you’re busted, that person, please contact me so I can hop in. HONORABLE MENTION: Will Any Live Animal Appear on Field During Half Time Show? (Human Beings Don't Count) Yes: +600 This is my favorite bet of the entire list by far, but I don’t see any way it’ll be “Yes” and obviously I’m not gonna put money on “No” and root against animals somehow appearing onstage with the Black Eyed Peas. Just know that this bet exists, and we’re all winners. (All odds via Bodog.com and Docsports.com) |
| Johnny Dollar’s Steelers Song Wins The Internet. Posted: 02 Feb 2011 10:38 PM PST Here’s Pennsylvania native and likely future Tim & Eric character Johnny Dollar singing his personal tribute to the Steelers, “Seven – We’ll Be In Heaven.” Do him and yourself a favor and watch this entire video right now. Believe me when I say, there are no words. Just push play and let the internet amazingness do its magic (takes a second to load): Right? THE PART AT 1:50! THEN THE REST OF IT! I can’t… I literally can’t… I’m watching this on a loop for the rest of my life. Hooking up the glucose bag now, annnnnnnd… done! Bye.
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| 10 Black Actors Who Should Be Superman Posted: 02 Feb 2011 03:48 PM PST This week, we learned that handsome British Tudors actor Henry Cavill would be portraying Superman in the upcoming installment of the franchise. Which is all well and good but so expected. Cavill is tall, handsome, British, and also one of the whitest sons a bitches we ever laid eyes on. Which is when we realized: Why does Superman have to be white? I’m pretty sure the world is ready and in fact desperate for a Black Superman.
Perhaps no commercial spokesperson caused as big of a ladyparts tidal wave as Isaiah, who shot to stardom as the Old Spice Guy, aka Hot Man With Abs On Horse. Sure, he just signed a major talent deal with NBC, but still, we’re sure everyone would find time in their schedule for him to play the world’s most famous superhero. And hooray! Isaiah is a self-described comic book fan! The more we think about it, the more furious we get that he hasn’t already been cast as a major superhero.
Oh, Dr. Jackson Avery, he of Grey’s Anatomy, with the eyes that could slice through steel. He’s like Jude Law, minus all that sh*tty smarm. (JK Jude, we <3 you.) He's hot, he's smart, he's ripped. What else is there?
Common has come a long way since he started acting with a guest appearance on UPN’s Girlfriends. Sure, he’s not as young as some of these other pics. And yeah, he’s a little more terrifying. OK, a lot more. Fair enough, Common would make a kick ass Lex Luthor. Just get him in the movie please.
If the idea of a “Black Superman” is a little too “black” for you, 1. You are racist and 2. Meet Wayne Brady! He’s white.
He’s 21, dances ballet, is a Broadway star, and more importantly, participated in one of the greatest film franchises ever (High School Musical). Also, abs. (He’s of age so this isn’t creepy right?)
Did someone say abs? Tyson Beckford would be like the Terminator of Superman. I feel like as much as I’ve seen him, I have no idea what his voice sounds like. He’d probably get paid $250,000 per word. But what does Superman even say? Nothing. He just flies around saving people. No voice needed, hire this man.* (*Assuming he doesn’t sound like David Beckham.)
Don’t really know who he is… Don’t need to know. See above photo.
Sure, you can cry and say you’re sick of Will Smith, but face it: NO SUCH THING IS POSSIBLE. The man is a legend, as defined in the movie I Am Legend, and, if you think he’s a smidge too old to play Superman, then good news! He has a son named Jaden Smith who will be ruling the universe one day who would gladly step in for the job. Frankly, same goes for Willow.
Don Glover (@donglover) started an online Twitter campaign to be named the next Spiderman. That role went to Andrew Garfield. But what of Superman? He who is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? We think Don would be a fine candidate to perform all of these tasks, as well as be hilariously funny. Someone, anyone, make Don Glover a superhero, please.
How Lois Lane got her groove back. Could a sexier Superman exist? Unlikely. Who would you like to see as Black Superman? Let us know in the comments! |
| The White Stripes Break Up And Go Off Into The Cold Cold Night Posted: 02 Feb 2011 12:37 PM PST The White Stripes, everyone’s favorite husband-wife/ex-husband-ex-wife/brother-sister/friend-friend musical duo have called it quits. The announcement was made on their website, and it included these words from the band:
This is sad. But understandable. Leave while the party’s still good. Let’s watch the video that put them on the map. “Fell in Love with a Girl.” |
| 10 Ways The New Yorker Would Like You To Know That Guillermo del Toro Is Fat Posted: 02 Feb 2011 11:43 AM PST  Not that fat Daniel Zalewski of The New Yorker wrote an interesting profile on director Guillermo del Toro, which I very much enjoyed reading, because in addition to making cool movies with cool monsters, I learned that, while growing up in Mexico, del Toro taught himself English by reading the cult magazine Famous Monsters of Filmland! And the threesome scene at the end of Y Tu Mama Tambien was his idea. So cool! Know what I don’t care about? How fat he is. And Zalewski really wants you to know that del Toro is a giant fatass. To the tune of about ten times throughout the article. It’s not like he’s trapped in bed, waiting to be rescued by a giant crane. He’s a dude who struggles with his weight, and sure, his weight informs him, much how the thousands of curios he has amassed in a separate mansion named Bleak House inform him. So GIVE HIM A BREAK, Zalewski. Here are the fat quotes, presented with commentary. 1. “I heard a heavy shuffling sound: del Toro, who at the time weighed more than three hundred pounds, was coming from a back room.” (I assume that Zalewski holds down jobs as a journalist, a male model, a member of the walking police, and a Jenny Craig spokesperson.) 2. “Del Toro gave me a genial slap on the back, his hand like a bear paw.” (Have you been slapped by a bear paw? I want to hear about that.) 3. “A film of perspiration on his forehead trapped strands of hair that were supposed to be combed to the side.” (We get it. Fat person sweat. And he can comb or not comb his hair however he goddamn pleases.) 4. “Del Toro ordered ribs and a lemonade, along with a redundant appetizer of ‘riblets.’” (Doesn’t “redundant” also mean something that doesn’t need to be mentioned? Because it doesn’t really matter?)
5. “I opened his current notebook, which included sketches for ‘The Hobbit,’ while he put on a plastic bib bearing the inscription ‘I <3 RIBS.’” (Because that’s what the restaurant provided! It’s not like he manufactured and brought his own I <3 RIBS bib! And do you want him to be a messy fat man?? Remind me never to eat with Zalewski because I seriously dislike being shamed whilst eating.) 6. “One contained the first incarnation of the Pale Man, the ogre that chases Ofelia in ‘Pan’s Labyrinth.’ A metaphor for gluttony, he is del Toro’s most personal creation…” (del Toro does not explicitly say this. He alludes to it as a joke in the next quote. And maybe it’s his most personal creation because it’s RAD.) 7. “His pants size was down from its peak, size 62, but he was concerned about the physical challenges of shooting on location in New Zealand…Maybe it was time to resist temptation. Looking at the plate of uneaten ribs, he joked, ‘I’m not just Hellboy I’m the Pale Man, too.’” (See, a joke. He sees a moment that references his character. He knows he’s overweight, he’s dealing with it. He doesn’t need you to draw some connection between everything he does and how fat he is!) 8. “At the restaurant, del Toro had trouble squeezing into the booth; he had gained weight in Wellington.” (THANKS FOR THE UPDATE.) 9. “Del Toro had transformed his own silhouette. He had lost twenty-seven pounds in three weeks, after undergoing sleeve-gastrectomy surgery. ‘They take three-quarters of our stomach out and throw it out!’ he said. ‘I feel great.’ That day, he had eaten a light lunch with his daughter Mariana, and in an elevator they had played a family game: Guillermo aimed his belly and crushed her, gently, into a corner. In Spanish, she lamented, ‘This game won’t be fun when you’re no longer fat.’” (Weird.) 10. “Del Toro was pallid, and it did not look as if he had continued losing weight: he was still wearing black sweats. He went into the kitchen and rummaged through the freezer. ‘Want a Popsicle?’ he said, taking one for himself. His lips were soon stained red.” (Popsicles are what skinny girls eat! Do you want him to eat frozen Splenda??) |
| Gay Millionaire Contestant Hates John McCain Posted: 02 Feb 2011 10:43 AM PST Contestant Matt Rodrigues appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire this week with his adorable boyfriend lending support in the audience. And when host Meredith Viera announced that the next question would be delivered via a celebrity, we can tell Matt was a little excited. Celebrity! Who would it be? Xtina Aguilera? Yeardley Smith? Hayden Christensen?? NONE OF THESE. Instead, former Presidential candidate John McCain shows up to ask a question worth $10,000. And Contestant Matt goes through plenty of emotions during the appearance. Let’s take a look: :08: Oh f*ck. |
| Trailer Mix: Bridesmaids May Be Good. Or Not Good At All. Posted: 02 Feb 2011 10:57 AM PST You know when two really hot people somehow, inexplicably, have an ugly child? Similarly, you know when really REALLY funny people inexplicably make a movie that maybe doesn’t look good at all? This is how I feel about the Bridesmaids trailer. The film stars Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne, Ellie Kemper, Melissa McCarthy and Wendi McLendon-Covey. I’ve been in a few weddings, (gunshot) and never has it been the case where none of the bridesmaids had not previously known each other, at least in some small capacity. Also, I feel like this was probably a funny script and then the execs were like, “Each character really needs to represent a strong type.”* Because what are we, if we are not a Brain, an Athlete, a Basketcase, a Princess, and a Criminal. THIS IS WHAT THE BREAKFAST CLUB WAS TRYING TO TELL US. WE CANNOT BE REDUCED TO SOME CLICHED TYPE. We are complex humans!! Not just the fat girl who farts and the bitchy girl who likes Versace! Maybe I shouldn’t be freaking out. But when you desperately want hot people’s children to be demi gods of handsomeness or hilarious women to make great movies together and break the bounds of stupid effing comedy, YOU GET UPSET. Or maybe it’ll be good. *Actual note I’ve gotten on a script. |
| 5 Questions About The Tila Tequila Sex Tape Posted: 02 Feb 2011 10:07 AM PST Here’s the DVD cover for Tila Tequila Uncorked, the sex tape that Tila Tequila DOESN’T WANT YOU TO SEE!
When I don’t want people to see something, what I do is, I film all of it, but I do not release that film then really hope someone else doesn’t release that film. If there’s an easier way to have people not see something that I do not want them to see, then please explain that way to me so I can film your suggestion and not release it. Nevertheless, I have a couple questions about the tape itself (posted along with obligatory NSFW Tila still):
1) Aren’t you supposed to release the sex tape before becoming inexplicably famous? The proper progression is, Sex Tape > Interaction With One Of The Davises > Inexplicable Fame. It’s a time-tested system – DON’T ROCK THE BOAT, Tila. 2) Judging by the cover, is this lesbian threesome occurring inside the game Double Dragon? Does Abobo show up at any point? 3) Why’s she wearing a watch? 4) It’s a Two-Disc set? How much footage could there possibly be? Is the second disc just Easter eggs and a green screen tutorial? Or just the movie Clash Of The Titans in its entirety? 5) Just how profitable is the demographic of “People Who Seek Out Sex Tapes But Are Unable To Google A Person’s Name?” I guess it’s as profitable as the “People Who Buy Albums” demographic, which is to say, extremely. |
| How Much Would You Pay For A Pair Of Self-Lacing Sneakers? Posted: 02 Feb 2011 09:56 AM PST The good news: You can finally own a pair of self-lacing shoes! The bad news: Only one pair is available, and yes, it’s the very same pair seen in Back to the Future II:
That’s right. The future is kinda, sorta here. You would think that by the year 2011, self-lacing shoes would be as common as the Jetsons conveyor belt shower contraption. But no. If you want self-lacing shoes, you’re gonna have to head over to the auction house Profiles in History and lay out a hefty chunk of change. How much?? Get Kanye West on the phone and click ahead to find out how much these shoes are going for. The good news is, the jacket is also going on sale…. for anywhere between 25 to 50 thousand bucks.
Justin Bieber, don’t even lie, you would wear it. Let’s use the comments to talk about other things from the future we were sure we’d have by now that do not exist. [Phoots: Splash News] |
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