Best Week Ever |
- And Now: Koko The Gorilla Teaches Betty White How To Love
- How Come You Didn’t Come Up With Laser Cat Bowling Yourself?
- Golden Voiced Homeless Guy Resurfaces! At Milkshake Store
- New Virgin Mobile Commercials: Clever Or Just Murdery?
- Sofia Vergara Stars In 90s Bally Ad Sponsored By Cinemax
- Cee Lo Gets Animated In A GIF Wall To End All GIF Walls
- Little Asian Boy In Fishnets Out Xtina’s Xtina
- My Mother’s Very Strong Opinions On Jeopardy’s “Watson”
- 10 THINGS ABOUT HIPSTERS THAT MAKE ME SO MAD
- Kelsey Grammer Makes Out, So Let Us Barf As A Family
- Royal Wedding Barf Bag: Someone’s Annoyed They’re Not Invited
- Perfect Dog Video Made Better With Addition Of Fart
- TOP CHEF ALL-STARS RECAP: Can You Tell Me How To Get To CHEF-same Street?
- Colin Firth Walking GIF: The Sequel
| And Now: Koko The Gorilla Teaches Betty White How To Love Posted: 18 Feb 2011 08:44 AM PST |
| How Come You Didn’t Come Up With Laser Cat Bowling Yourself? Posted: 18 Feb 2011 08:36 AM PST Even if you don’t own a cat, you at least have access to a cat. A lot of your friends have cats; your neighbor has a cat. Your aunt definitely has a cat. Cats are around. And the one thing we all know is fun to do with cats is the game where you point a laser and watch a cat chase it. It’s one of about 3 things you can actually make a cat do. So, with that being said, how did each of us not independently come up with this very obvious game that, frankly, looks like a barrel of fun. I have the disposable cups. Who’s got a cat and wants to go halfsies with me on this game? Thanks, Reddit. |
| Golden Voiced Homeless Guy Resurfaces! At Milkshake Store Posted: 18 Feb 2011 08:13 AM PST Ted Williams, the internet-famed golden-voiced homeless guy who was hired by the Cleveland Cavaliers then it was discovered he’d been arrested like 600 times and he faded from our internet consciousness, has re-appeared in California, getting a milkshake named after him at the Millions of Milkshakes in West Hollywood:
“Oh, the ‘Ted Williams’ milkshake. That must be named after that homeless guy with the cool voice who had that viral video two years ago.” – What every tourist will definitely say in 2012. As we recall, Ted Williams is not the only internet star to follow the career path of VIRAL VIDEO > SOME STUFF, KINDA? > MILKSHAKES…
You can get a Ted Williams Milkshake OR an Antoine Dodson Milkshake! In your FACE, Evolution of Dance Guy! Unfortunately, while I’d like to think this means Ted Williams’ legal problems are over, I don’t think we can assume that quiiiiite yet…
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| New Virgin Mobile Commercials: Clever Or Just Murdery? Posted: 18 Feb 2011 08:08 AM PST There are some new TV ads for Virgin Mobile phones with Android that have started to play in regular rotation on a couple of channels. The ads are about how you have mobile access to so many social networking sites with such speed that it is now really quite easy to, you know, stalk and then presumably end the life of a member of the opposite sex. The people who made these ads knew what they were doing. There isn’t a case of a company accidentally making creepy commercials. These are on-purpose creepy commercials. Let’s watch them and then discuss.
Commercial 2: Okay. So, what do we think of these? The idea of stalking isn’t being endorsed here. That is clear. The ads take the angle of “Ha ha, this is ridiculous; no one should ever do this!” But… People totally do that. That is absolutely a thing people do. There’s this whole thing called “your early 20′s” where you learn that lesson. With all that in mind, let’s make a decision about these spots. Are they clever or just regular murdery and weird? Go crazy in the comments with your mobile device. |
| Sofia Vergara Stars In 90s Bally Ad Sponsored By Cinemax Posted: 18 Feb 2011 12:25 AM PST Sofia Vergara has shot to American mega-fame as the sultry Gloria on Modern Family. And as a result of her newfound fame, all the former gigantic-boobed skeletons are slowly spilling out of her closet. Like this. An ad for Bally’s from 1998 that features a bikini-clad blond Vergara, dipped in Crisco, shilling for Bally’s Total Fitness. Only in the 90s could you cut from a shot of the woman’s entire ass to a clip of her hugging her son while she tells you that she’s “a mother.” In short, if you can’t afford Cinemax After Dark this month, fear not. Here are :38 seconds of soft core porn that should keep you satisfied for at least a day. |
| Cee Lo Gets Animated In A GIF Wall To End All GIF Walls Posted: 18 Feb 2011 06:21 AM PST  If you saw Cee Lo Green’s triumphant Grammy performance of “Forget You” with Gwyneth Paltrow and the Muppets while dressed like a gay peacock, you understand that VH1′s February Posted artist likes to have fun. Knowing this, sit back, relax and enjoy this very special Gif Wall which features the Lady Killer recreating famous memes (The Dramatic Chipmunk, anyone?), pumping his fist like he’s the fourth member of the Jersey Shore MVP Posse, and much, much more.
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| Little Asian Boy In Fishnets Out Xtina’s Xtina Posted: 17 Feb 2011 05:00 PM PST
Hmmmmah. On the one hand, the kid is incredible. Even though he is the exact height and weight of a sea scallop, he manages to kick his squat little legs over the back of that chair and flex his little toes as good if not better than most famous pop stars. (Exaggeration: He’s amazing for 6.) On the other pudgy, swollen, baby hand: HE IS A CHILD. DOING A STRIPPER DANCE. What’s next? His reenactment of the pool sex scene in Showgirls? Parents STOP PUTTING YOUR CHILDREN ON THE INTERNET. There are people out there called pedophiles. They will watch this 900 times in a row before police come for their hard drives. This and Toddlers & Tiaras. OK now that that warning is out of the way, assuming you are NOT a pedophile, seriously watch this. It’s pretty amazing, even though this boy will be both scarred/famous for life. (via ONTD) |
| My Mother’s Very Strong Opinions On Jeopardy’s “Watson” Posted: 17 Feb 2011 10:26 PM PST
If there is one thing we as a Collins family love, it is the show Jeopardy. I do not doubt for a moment that any member of my family, including our cat Minky, would gladly drop everything and run away with Alex Trebek if the opportunity ever presented itself. But it’s rare that the rest of the country is up in arms about Jeopardy, but that is exactly what happened this week, as two of the all-time greatest Jeopardy contestants, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter, went up against IBM’s Watson, a computer designed specifically to play Jeopardy. Cancer, Shmancer, have you seen this thing play??? Watson is pretty f**king unbelievable. (Except when it comes to U.S. Cities, but I digress.) Given the amount of buzz surrounding Watson and this recent Jeopardy brain-blicity stunt, I just had to speak with my opinionated mother, Judy Collins, regarding her thoughts on Watson. In typical fashion, they’re pretty major. “You know, at first I was pretty hesitant. ‘Oh, a computer vs. people.’ But I love Jeopardy and I always learn a thing or two. First of all, the show started with so many explanations about how it was done and the people that built it. To most people who watch the show, I’m sure it went above their heads. But I’m a devoted fan.” “I’m telling Daddy, ‘This is a machine!’ So excuse me! Ken is a genius. Nobody can beat Ken. But it’s like putting retarded people against geniuses. I found it to be boring, because 50 percent of each show they were talking about computers. Who gives a sh*t?? We don’t understand what you’re saying with the IBM people… Put the questions on and let me learn something!” “But how do you beat this thing, goddamit?! I mean, can we run as fast as a car?? Why don’t you show me that. This machine has a thousand horsepower, we don’t even have a quarter of a horsepower! That’s the way I see it. That’s why it’s dumb.” “It was very boring. That Watson was answering in such a monotone voice, they kind of lost me. Ken stood there like a candle. A Kendle in the wind. They knew they had no chance, Watson buzzed so quickly, they couldn’t butt in! By the third day, I thought Ken Jennings was gonna fall asleep. The other guy was the biggest money winner – they’re smart guys, believe me, it’s not that they don’t know every question!” “These are very bright guys, and for a human brain capacity they hold more than most people, so I don’t think that that was fair. Believe me, Watson didn’t know every question. And I’m sure I’m not the only person that walked away from these 3 days with not a great taste in their mouth. I tell the young people I work with, you gotta watch Jeopardy! I’m not saying you can’t live without this information. But it doesn’t hurt to know about it. There’s a lot of stuff I know thanks to Jeopardy.” “I have to tell you, today we were talking about God and traditions at the beauty parlor, I don’t know what made me think of it. I saw this guy on Bill Maher’s show last Friday, a conservative who didn’t believe in evolution. He said ‘I believe that somebody made Charles Darwin. That we were created by some’ whatever. My manicurist is intelligent, very pretty, she says ‘How come we are still the same but monkeys aren’t changing. Hundreds of years later and they’re still the same.’ I said ‘You know we look the same as they do and we’re still evolving. Our brain isn’t what it was 100 years ago because of all the technology that we’re learning is evolving us.’ And that’s why my mother believed in Darwin. She would see ugly people on the street and say ‘See? Darwin was right.’ When I was little I didn’t know what she meant but sooner or later, I learned.” So, the Theory of Evolution, as explained by Willem Defoe. Thanks Ma. |
| 10 THINGS ABOUT HIPSTERS THAT MAKE ME SO MAD Posted: 17 Feb 2011 08:36 PM PST Everyone on the internet makes fun of hipsters constantly. It’s easy to do – hipsters are in many ways both ridiculous and annoying. In 2007, internet hipster-ridicule seemed to peak with the “Hipster Olympics” sketch video, a thorough and spot-on parody that got 2.5 million views and basically summed up all there is to ever say about hipster culture. Still, almost four years later, internet lists abstractly ripping on hipsters continue to go super-viral on a near-daily basis, such as last week’s Hipster Little Mermaid Meme, to the point where the vague, niche concept of the hipster has essentially spawned more crappy things online making fun of hipsters than there actually are hipsters in the world (and I live in Brooklyn, and have nothing against these people that the internet appears to vehemently despise). Rather than continue to point out that hipster humor is a long-exhausted, formulaic dead horse of easy viral material, I’ve decided I might as well just hop on board. Here’s my contribution to the online hipster humor zeitgeist, a list of 10 THINGS ABOUT HIPSTERS THAT MAKE ME SO MAD: 10. Their Black Glasses What is up with those? Get some regular glasses you d*cks! “Oh, look at me, my glasses are black and all like thick and sh*t.” Tell me if you can read this: SHUT UP.
Man do they love that website Pitchfork. Buncha d*cks making sh*t music for d*cks and d*cks writing about it. Why are you reading that crap? Hipsters should go to better websites instead of sh*tty stupid ones like that one.
Hey look at me, I’m doing this thing but I’m not actually doing it because it’s ironic! That’s what hipsters are ALWAYS like. Hey check it out, tiny Alf T-shirt! Guess what? That t-shirt sucks and so do you. And no, I’m NOT being ironic.
Hey wanna go to brunch, there’s this new FREEGAN place on Dumbstreet, it’s called “Place” cause it’s too cool to have a name and also everyone’s like doing Pilates there. Hey hipsters, you know what meal I love? LUNCH. Not ORGANIC magic window garden lunch, just regular lunch. It’s a meal. TRY IT.
Laugh at things? Why would I laugh at things and smile when I can stand here like a big dipsh*t and look like I’m not caring? Oh, what’s that you got there, some really cool thing? PSHHH. I don’t care, I’m too cool. MAN I can’t stand that they do that.
Hey, have you heard of this new band, they’re called D*CKTW*T, it’s three Siberian babies and a goat with a washboard, they’re playing at this organic coffee shop I like, wanna go see them? Oh no, they released an EP now they’re too popular for me, cause I’m a hipster. UGHHHHH.
Lemme live in this shack with sh*t smeared all over the walls cause I’m like this Bohemian artist even though my dad’s like the President of the U.S.A. and he sends me a check for a zillion dollars every day and I pretend like I hate him and keep wearing these like super old jeans. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE YOU HIPSTER SCUM!
“That’s too mainstream for me, I don’t like it!” is what hipsters are always like whenever they see stuff. Has anyone ever noticed that ever? Could they possibly hate the mainstream more? It’s like, are they talking about Hitler or are they talking about the mainstream, I’m confused cause they hate them both the same. Like, did the mainstream molest them as a child??
Should we throw away these used American Apparel leggings and ratty teal scarf from the 1930s? No, sell them to a vintage store so some stupid hipster can buy them for a billion trust fund dollars and wear it to their vinyl wine & cheese parties. Don’t do any of that you assh*le! Wear normal things and stop being so f***ing stupid.
“We don’t like normal stuff we only like this other stupid stuff, we’re hipsters.” Just like regular stuff instead of your stupid weird stuff, you weird d*cks! What a bunch of d*cks. UGH. Hipsters. |
| Kelsey Grammer Makes Out, So Let Us Barf As A Family Posted: 17 Feb 2011 06:54 PM PST Kelsey Grammer is seeing a major spotlight resurgence thanks in large part to ex-wife Camille Grammer’s participation on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and following high profile divorce (in which she walked away with $50 million of sweet, sweet Frasier money.) But Kelsey acted fast, locating and proposing to 29-year-old Virgin Airways flight attendant Kayte Walsh. Here are pics of him making out with her on a beach in Miami. Grab your nearest barf b (bag) and enjoy.
Our apologies, that deeefffffinitely was not close enough. Heeeere you go!
Kelsey actually ain’t even looking that bad, though we much prefer him in his X-Men get-up:
[Photos: Splash News] |
| Royal Wedding Barf Bag: Someone’s Annoyed They’re Not Invited Posted: 17 Feb 2011 01:18 PM PST Graphic designer Lydia Leith has screen-printed souvenir barf bags for the Royal Wedding. This takes her right off the “maybe” list.
In other news, if I were Kate Middleton, as soon as I got married I’d make people refer to me and Will as “The Royal We.” And they’d have to. Or I’d send them to The Tower of London and there they’d have to pay far too much for a guided tour. |
| Perfect Dog Video Made Better With Addition Of Fart Posted: 17 Feb 2011 12:16 PM PST Poking around Youtube as I do, I came across this video of an upside-down smiling demon dog face. It is, in my internet expert calculations, a perfect video. But then, to my delight, it was sent over the moon and back Apollo style with the addition of a well-timed fart. Because the more words I write, the less funny this video becomes, just watch it and let us all join hands and fart and laugh. |
| TOP CHEF ALL-STARS RECAP: Can You Tell Me How To Get To CHEF-same Street? Posted: 17 Feb 2011 10:58 AM PST We’re into Episode 10 of Top Chef All-Stars, entitled “Lock Down”, which starts exactly how you’d expect something called “Lock Down” to start – with Sesame Street characters popping up and giving Tiffany a heart attack:
“Oh thank God – for a second there, I thought it was three actual monsters.” I love that the Quickfire starts with Padma whimsically rhyming her sentences, and Dale’s like “Is Padma speaking in tongues? What could POSSIBLY be going on here??” Do the contestanchefsts still not realize that when Padma does something unusual (or anything), she’s about to introduce a challenge? “I think she just went insane and Bravo’s filming it and I guess there’s no Quickfire today” – Every Chef. Tell them about our Quickfire, COOKIE MONSTER! (I’ll bet they have to bake monsters): The chefs have to bake cookies for guest judges Cookie Monster, Elmo, and Telly (we all know how much Telly loves cookies), and the chefs are ecstatic; Richard says that in his household, “Elmo’s like Elvis,” because neither of them are allowed to be filmed from the waist down. Elvismo even gives Richard’s daughter a personalized “love” message, though Dad’s euphoria is short-lived:
The chefs all agree that Cookie Monster is “the expert,” and if they mean “expert” at crushing cookies into crumbs and never swallowing them because he doesn’t have a throat, then they are right (I’ll never forget the Usual Suspects moment I had when I first realized this — I was seventeen.) No one gives a crap about Telly’s opinion, though, because no one ever gives a crap about Telly. Poor Telly.
“Why’s the whiskey bottle still full if he poured himself a glass, N00b?” – Probably some commenter on Fark. Dale can’t resist ripping on Mike Isabella again, saying “It’s pretty amazing that someone who eats so many cookies would be uncomfortable serving cookies.” Bam! You can’t be the reality show villain if you’re completely right. 2 Chefs Who “Needed Some Help”: Richard & Angelo Top 2: Dale & Antonia Antonia’s cookies tasted great even though Elmo said they “look like cow chips” (ZINGING-Me Elmo!), but Dale takes the Quickfire for his Pretzel and Potato Chip Shortbread Cookie with Salted Caramel Chocolate Ganache. Congratulations, Dale – keep not noticing that everyone else is drinking coffee and pour yourself a celebratory SmartDrink:
For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs will have three hours to take over a Target Superstore, using only the appliances, tools, and food they find in the store to cook for 100 Target employees at 3 a.m. (the Employee of the Month winner was rewarded by not having to set her alarm for 2:30 to eat 9 soups in the middle of the night). You know what this show hasn’t had in a while? A bunch of way over the top store-sprinting:
All the chefs except Carla hurry up to assemble cooking stations and grab ingredients, and the cooking portion is just full of exciting controversies. Angelo asks Michael “Where’s my can opener?” Riveting stuff. Antonia makes fun of the other chefs for all deciding to make soup — and she’s right, because they don’t have a lot of time to develop flavors (this episode was sponsored by Target, the phrase “Develop Flavors”, and the number 5) — but right after her insult, we see Antonia cracking 100 eggs into plastic cups:
Angelo asks Mike to taste his soup, and Mike says it could use more salt. Angelo adds a bunch more salt and bacon to the soup. Remember last week when Mike said that unlike Richard, he’d never help another chef because he wouldn’t want to be beaten by his own suggestion, and we all joked that no one would ever ask Mike for advice because they’d instantly lose? Just file that one away in your memory manila folders. This week’s guest judges are Season-Mainstay Anthony Bourdain:
This dude from Target:
And Chef Ming Tsai, who brings the house down by joking that Dale’s “ironed grilled cheese sandwich” is an attempt to become the next “IRON Chef.” I like that guy. Dale’s Ironed Grilled Cheese Sandwich with Ribeye and rice-cookered Tomato Soup is a huge hit with the judges; Bourdain calls it “perfect stoner food,” keeping his streak of consecutive episodes mentioning “perfect stoner food” alive at 2,317 (look out, Cal Ripken Jr!) The judges and Target employees who are being prodded by offscreen imperial guards to keep them awake are generally happy with the chefs’ offerings, but Carla’s dish appears to be missing a component and Angelo’s soup was “inedibly salty.” Could we possibly be witnessing the end for Angelo, who apparently went to Mr. Businessman School when we weren’t paying attention?
The Judges pack up and head back to Judges Table. Bourdain’s like, “I’m fine as long as Colicchio’s not driving!” Haha! You all travel in four separate limos and never make eye contact outside this show. THE TOP THREE: Dale, Antonia, Richard Antonia ends up in the Top group for a third straight week with her Parmesan Cream Eggs, and Richard has still only been in the bottom group once, earning a Top spot for his Pork Tenderloin. Dale pulls the double-win, however, as his grilled cheese sandwich earns him his third Elimination Challenge win of the season, along with a $25,000 prize furnished, of course, by Big Lots. Dale’s sandwich did look good, but I’m highly suspect of his college backstory: “I was always broke and partying too much, so I ironed grilled cheese sandwiches and cooked tomato soup in a rice cooker.” I know that whenever I’m super hungover, the only thing I feel like doing is simmering a nice soup in a rice cooker while manually ironing sandwiches – no energy to pick up that delivery phone. Whatever, no Elmo in this challenge to call your bluff, so well done. THE BOTTOM THREE: Carla, Angelo, Tiffany Carla’s soup “lacked a protein,” Angelo’s soup was way too salty, and Tiffany’s jambalaya spinoff was bland and uninspired. Angelo’s dish receives by far the harshest criticism of the three, but would they really eliminate Angelo when Tiffany’s been so mediocre all season? The chefs’ reactions are dramatically different:
The chefs return to the waiting room and Tiffany can’t stop crying. Angelo and Mike take this as an opportunity to
What a bag of d*cks! And not the literal one that Angelo’s son is gonna awkwardly discover someday. In the end, the judges and producers decide that Angelo’s mistake was too great to give him the benefit of the doubt, and he’s sent packing. So yes, the ONE time someone listened to Mike Isabella’s ONE suggestion, that person instantly lost. Angelo’s elimination is probably the correct decision based solely on this week, but it still shocks the other chefs:
Well, except Antonia, who’s still like “Target.”
Oh well, I did expect Angelo to go farther, but when he said “my palate may have been fatigued,” that pre-emptively removed any sympathy I might’ve felt from his elimination. With another Finals-favorite gone, the remaining chefs stack up something like this: 1) Richard (still think Carla has a better shot to win it all, just with the way things are shaping up, but Richard’s a lock for the Finals) NEXT WEEK ON TOP CHEF: Carla resumes being the only Muppet on the show:
Top Chef episode thoughts? Angelo elimination reactions? Updated predictions? Stuff we missed? Leave ‘em in the comments. |
| Colin Firth Walking GIF: The Sequel Posted: 17 Feb 2011 10:48 AM PST
A few weeks ago, we lied to you. We did. We gave you a Colin Firth Walking GIF and swore that it was the only one you’ll ever need. But that was a fallacy. Because it turns out YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH COLIN FIRTH WALKING GIFS. And so, we present Academy Award Nominee and BAFTA winner Colin Firth walking through Heathrow Airport. |
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