Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Just Some Regular Kids Playing With Their SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS

Posted: 01 Feb 2011 08:29 AM PST

The thing that really makes an action figure style toy fun to play with is how versatile it is. Action figures should have numerous points of articulation so that you can most accurately recreate a man flip kicking over some kind of hastily built Lego tower. That is, of course, unless your toy is both very large and also a major show-business award.

These guys are Rico Rodriguez and Nolan Gould who both won SAG awards for being part of the Modern Family cast. And they are playing with their awards like toys. As they should. Good job being kids, guys.

Really quickly though, I think we should take a moment to complain about McDonald’s toys. Remember how whenever they made an action figure, none of the parts would move? What is that? It’s not a toy if you can’t move the arms or legs on your dude. It’s just a tiny crappy statue. No one wants that unless it is also an award.  And I saw on the news that every kid is fat now, so that seems to be a problem too. Boos all the way around, McDonald’s. See you at lunch time.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

Ricky Gervais Asked To Host Golden Globes Again, Despite “The Tourist Is Bad” Controversy

Posted: 01 Feb 2011 08:09 AM PST

Despite RIcky Gervais’ WAY over the line Golden Globe jokes about The Tourist being bad and Robert Downey Jr. having used drugs before, Gervais has reportedly been asked to host the award show again next year:

Brit Ricky Gervais says he has been asked to present the Golden Globe Awards for the third year in a row, but is not sure he could do a better job than this year’s controversial performance, it was widely reported Tuesday…

But writing in UK entertainment magazine Heat this week, Gervais said: “The ratings went up again, and the organizers asked me to consider a third year.”

“[But] I don’t think I should. I don’t know what I could do better. I certainly couldn’t get more press for them, that’s for sure,” he added.

I would say “Nice job Globes, way to get over it and realize what’s good for you,” but 1) Gervais doesn’t sound like he wants to do it, and 2) Clearly the decision was motivated by the Globes ratings increasing for a second straight year and the prospects of another ratings spike if Gervais returned after his last publicity-generating stint, not anything altruistic like “He was pretty funny.”

So basically, this isn’t television taking an unexpected risky stab, it’s just business as usual. Let’s just hope that if Gervais doesn’t come back, they can still find a host with the absolute gall to poke fun at a roomful of billionaires giving themselves awards for pretending to do sh*t.

SNL Power Rankings: Jesse Eisenberg Underwhelms (And We Mean That As A Compliment!)

Posted: 31 Jan 2011 04:59 PM PST

If I asked you to rattle off a list of actors that you think are hilarious, it would probably take you a long time to drop Jesse Eisenberg’s name. Now, that’s not because Eisenberg isn’t a really strong comedic actor (because he is!); rather, it’s that his mannerisms and delivery are often created with the intent to underwhelm. By that, I mean his wiry frame and nervous energy don’t immediate bowl you over with laughter like comedians with tremendous physical chops or extreme levels of charisma and confidence. Instead, he relies on blending awkwardness with intelligence in order to sell his material.

So, how does someone whose comedic tendencies lean towards the understated perform as host of Saturday Night Live? Quite well, in fact! Seth Meyers and Lorne Michaels made a wise decision and played to Eisenberg’s strengths; throughout the evening, he played a variety of sexually immature teens and physically slight characters, all to great effect. Unlike, say, Jim Carrey, Eisenberg was content to let the hilarious cast lead the way and support the material however necessary. He proved himself to be quite adept at selling small jokes, even if he didn’t have any truly memorable performances.

Speaking of (not so) memorable performances, why did Nicki Minaj lip-sync the choruses of both the songs she performed “live” on Saturday night? Can she not hit those notes in a live setting? We’ll let you guys hash that out in the comments but, for now, let’s get into how the cast performed this week with our SNL Power Rankings.


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE POWER RANKINGS: 1/29/11 (Host: Jesse Eisenberg; Musical Guest: Nicki Minaj)

1. Kenan Thompson (37 points): With the lone exception of Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson has the longest tenure of any of the SNL cast members. It took him a few years to find his groove, but he has proven himself to be an invaluable and utterly indispensable cast member over the last two years. His Tyler Perry impression during Weekend Update not only went over surprisingly well for the in-studio audience, but it also was a smart and subtle critique at the power structure of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, which nominated more white people for Oscars this year than they had in 10 years. And who would’ve thunk that Kenan’s fake movie poster for Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Internet All By Myself would be followed up by Tyler Perry releasing his very own Black Swan themed poster for Madea’s Big Happy Family just two days later? Also, his Blackenstein is a character that we hope to see much, much more of in the future.

2. Bill Hader (34 points): He may not have “won” this week’s Power Rankings, but it’s pretty clear that Hader has turned himself into the standout member of the cast these days. I mean, watch this Stefon outtake (from a recent dress rehearsal performance that NBC just put online over the weekend) and tell me it wasn’t funnier than everything else that made this (really good!) show this week?

3. Andy Samberg (33 points): While “The Creep” isn’t exactly Lonely Island’s finest hour, Samberg really delivered this week, especially in the last sketch of the evening, “El Shrinko.” Samberg is the cast’s go-to guy to play nerdy and somewhat nebbish teens, which suited him well both in Shrinko and, of course, his ongoing role as Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg.

4. Kristin Wiig (24 points): I’ve spent a lot of time railing on Wiig this season, but even as someone who feels like it’s time for her to leave for greener pastures, I thought her new Spa Talk character was a nice addition to her canon.

5. Jason Sudeikis (20 points): First, he was dating January Jones. Now, the rumor is that he’s making time with Scarlett Johansson. I can’t and won’t begrudge the guy anything, because Wow And Good For Him, but I will say that his output has been on the disappointing side this year. I was really hoping he’d step his game up to make up for the tragic absence of Will Forte, but alas, he seems to be preoccupied with having sex with gorgeous movie stars.

6. Nasim Pedrad (18 points): When I think back on this season, the image of Nasim Pedrad humping a Van der Graaf generator during the “Mr. Wizard” sketch will be one of the things I remember most.

7. Abby Elliott (16 points): She wasn’t terrible this week, not terrible at all! (That pushes my personal limits for the amount of praise I’m willing to bestow on Abby Elliott.)

8. Fred Armisen (13 points): A slow week for Fred, but we’ll always have the image of his breasts bouncing on the treadmill to remember, now won’t we?

9 (tie). Bobby Moynihan, Vanessa Bayer, Paul Brittain (12 points): Bayer is so great! Her Staten Island-y mom in the Spa Talk sketch once again proved that she is one of the show’s most versatile performers. As for the rest of them? Well, bring back Mark Payne!

12. Jay Pharoah (7 points): LOVED his work as a Bootsy Collins-esque mad scientist in the “Bride of Blackenstein” sketch. Lorne didn’t give him many chances this week, but Jay made the most of his camera time, that’s for sure.

13. Taran Killam (0 points): Wow, the season’s first goose egg! Where were ya on Saturday night, buddy? Did you forget to set your iPhone alarm and you overslept? All jokes aside, these things happen. He’s been steady all season long, let’s not blow this situation out of proportion…

(You’ll notice that we didn’t mention the Mark Zuckerberg cameo until right now. That’s because it was simultaneously extremely cool and extremely awkward. I mean, his stage fright paralleled Cindy Brady’s! Get a grip, Zuck; you’re a billionaire, take some media training fer Chrissakes.)

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE POWER RANKINGS: SEASON 36 TOTALS
1. Bill Hader (424 points; Last Week: #1)
2. Kristin Wiig (393 points; Last Week: #2)
3. Fred Armisen (366 points; Last Week: #3)
4. Andy Samberg (349 points; Last Week: #4)
5. ⇑ Kenan Thompson (317 points; Last Week: #6)
6. ⇓ Jason Sudeikis (290 points; Last Week: #5)
7. Bobby Moynihan (258 points; Last Week: #7)
8. Nasim Pedrad (238 points; Last Week: #8)
9. Vanessa Bayer (208 points; Last Week: #9)
10. Taran Killam (175 points; Last Week: #10)
11. Abby Elliott (169 points; Last Week: #11)
12. Paul Brittain (159 points; Last Week: #12)
13. Jay Pharoah (136 points; Last Week: #13)

Reference Materials:
Need a refresher on the Scoring System?

Here’s this week’s sketch-by-sketch breakdown:

Also, did you know that we’re showing classic episodes of SNL every night on VH1? It’s true!

The Difference Between The United Kingdom, England, And Great Britain Explained Really Efficiently

Posted: 31 Jan 2011 02:19 PM PST

Oof, the internet today. Right, guys? There could not be less interesting news in the world of pop culture. Every Blog Headline Today: Charlie Sheen Still a Mess. Thanks, internet! But forget about all that stuff for a moment. This place is dead anyway.

Let’s instead turn to having very important questions answered. “What is England?” for example. And “Why is is different than Great Britain?” That’s another good question. And “How is it that neither of those things are Great Britain exactly?” That’s also a thing nobody in the United States knows.

Would you like to have all these questions answered super efficiently by a guy with no accent? You bet your ass you would. Literally. You do that. You actually have your ass as the subject of a wager in which you have to cede control of it if somehow you don’t want these questions answered super efficiently by a guy with no accent. Hope you win the bet! But, honestly, you have a very strange gambling problem.

I just retained more information from that web video than I did from an entire year of high school geography. Thanks A LOT, Mrs. Egan.

And a much less sarcastic thanks to Reddit.

Brazilian Taxi Driver Contracts Michael Jackson Tourette’s Syndrome

Posted: 31 Jan 2011 02:17 PM PST

A new disease is spreading in the Southern Hemisphere of this Earth. A disease so debilitating, it can strike up without warning and take hold of even the most innocent of humans. And once it gets hold of you, that’s it. There is no cure. I refer of course to Michael Jackson Tourettes Syndrome. The latest victim? An innocent cab driver found in Brazil.

Take a look at this home video footage and pray that you and your family aren’t infected:

Some ways that you can prevent catching Michael Jackson Tourette’s? Stay indoors after sundown. Wash the hands of your children when they get home from school. Train your dogs to make inside the house. Get your car washed – Shamone! Come on ya! – oh God, sorry, hold on a second — Hee-heeeeee*cough* — Oh no, God, SHAMONE, God no. It’s happening… It’s — Whoo! — I — SHA.. SHA… Call 911. It’s here. *RIPS VEST OPEN* *JUMPS ON CAR* *GLASS BREAKS* *MACAULAY CULKIN STARTS TO RAP*

Remember That Time I Met The Future Superman?

Posted: 31 Jan 2011 01:28 PM PST

The year? 2008. The event? The premiere party for the second season of The Tudors. There I was, wearing a black cocktail dress and an expression most succinctly described as “dazzled,” among the cast of The Tudors: Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Peter O’Toole, and a hot British actor known only as Henry Cavill, his name.

Oh, Henry Cavill, he of the perfectly carved face and body, man with an accent so British that no American female orifice is impervious to its charms. I remember back to that day fondly. My plan of action was such: Ask Henry a few questions, but immediately before that, down at least 4 bottles of Zin. Or, as I referred to it back in that post of yesteryear, “Collins’ Liquid Confidence.”

Now, had I known at the time that I was talking to the future Superman, I probably would have held my sh*t together a little better. Instead, this is what happened:

"So," I sidled, "how does it feel being the sexiest man on The Tudors?" A trick question: If he says great, he's off the list; If he stumbles, even falsely, he would do just fine. Happily, it was the latter: "Umm… that's a difficult question to answer! That comes down to opinion, mostly." Humility! So far, so good.

Onto my next question, "Cod Pieces: Yay or Nay?" He seemed flustered. "Do I have one, or would I like one?" he oozed with the finest of Queen's English. "Personally or professionally," I continued, prodding one might say. He thought for a second: "We tend not to wear them with these costumes. I imagine they would be quite uncomfortable." We went on to discuss his character this season, who he assures us "has grown up now." Indeed, he has. Before I knew it, Mr. Cavill was whisked away by another greedy-taloned young lady, and I found myself, recorder in one hand, wine in the other, checking Cavill off of my "Tu-Dor List.”

Thus ending today’s lesson: Never drink wine and talk to handsome famous men because someday they will replace Christopher Reeve (and, OK, Brandon Routh) in one of the most iconic superhero franchise of all time.

Codpieces? Really? Thanks, life. — “Brooks Was Here”

PETPOURRI: A Royal Rumble Of Animal Insanity

Posted: 31 Jan 2011 01:27 PM PST

I attended the always-excellent Found Footage Festival this past weekend, because I just don’t see enough terrible videos during the 80% of my waking life comprised of professionally doing that, and among their many lost VHS gems was a compilation of footage from a show called Petpourri, a Long Island public access petcare call-in segment hosted by eventual Martha Stewart petxpert Marc Morrone.

The format of the show isn’t ostensibly crazy, as it’s just a guy answering pet questions from viewers calling in, but for some reason, Morrone spends the entire show behind a table of DOZENS of animals that have no business interacting with each other all packed into a really tiny space. This results in animals constantly attacking one another, attacking Marc, falling off the table, and just generally looking distractingly miserable.

In short, it’s amazing television. Anyone who said local-tv hilarity and flagrant animal cruelty couldn’t co-exist, feast your eyes on this Petpourri compilation (not the Found Footage one, but still great):

After the jump, another compilation of Petpourri animal insanity. When I get married, my wedding is literally gonna just be these two clips:

THE REAL TWEETFIGHT OF ATLANTA: Nene And Kim Go @ It

Posted: 31 Jan 2011 12:14 PM PST

If you’ve been following this season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, then you know one thing is certain: Nene Leakes done lost her damn mind. Now Nene has always been, how do we say? Terrifying. But in a humorous way the country could embrace. That changed, at least for us, beginning a few weeks ago during the infamous fight with Kim Zolciak on the tour bus, where Nene flat out called Kim a racist, among 5 million other accusations. Nene proceeded to continue her raving into the home of one of Kim’s friends (lovers?), bringing her Godzilla-like energy with her for the following few days of Cynthia’s baby shower. I love Nene, but I have trouble excusing her behavior of late. We can’t imagine the PTSD Kim and Dwight are going through having seen that woman’s face open up like a venus fly trap 1 millimeter away from their own.

The good news!! Just because this season ended last night doesn’t mean that Kim vs. Nene is over. Far from it. Kim Z. and baby daddy Kroy Biermann following up the finale with an appearance on Watch What Happens Live!, and Nene decided to take to her Twitter to vent out some last second frustrations.

And some interesting details were “Leaked.” Let’s take a look at some snippets from her tirade, as well as a few responses from Kim:



SH*T GETS REAL AFTER THE JUMP.

So what did we learn from this Tweetfight? Mainly, that Kim’s kids are from three different daddy’s, she may not have graduated from high school, and Nene possibly operated under an alias — hopefully Oda Mae Brown — and may have warrants out for her arrests.

In other words: Which of these maniacs do we love more? The jury is still out. One thing, however, is still certain: Elegance is learned. Especially Southern Elegance.

So whose side are you on? We hate to say it… but we gotta side with Kim in this scenario.

German Man Gets “MINI” Tattooed On His Penis For A Free Mini Cooper

Posted: 31 Jan 2011 11:04 AM PST

A German man won a radio contest to come up with the most outrageous “Mini-related stunt,” agreeing to get the word “MINI” tattooed on his penis to win a free Mini Cooper.

Andreas Muller, a 39-year-old from Saxony-Anhalt, had his penis tattooed on the air while screaming in pain, but afterwards, he remained incredibly optimistic / delusional from excruciating d*ck torture:

“Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore. Then the pain will be gone and it’ll be alright,” he said.

He added, “Wait, Minis don’t have magic d*ck-healing lasers? Oh man, this is gonna suck. Hope I don’t bleed d*ck blood on the interior. But at least I won!” [Passes out for seven weeks]

(Barstool Sports via Jalopnik)

GUESS THE BULGE: I Was In The Pool! Yeah… Pool.

Posted: 31 Jan 2011 10:51 AM PST

To be fair, it was probably a single degree outside when this actor decided to go for a run wearing a neoprene scuba costume. Considering the circumcisionsstances, he is packin.

So, can you Guess The Bulge?? Some hints: It’s a very Brooklyn bulge, belonging to an actor, and yes, that bulge has a ring on it.

It’s Peter Sarsgaard!!! Or, as I’ve long called him, Peter Sarsballs. Going for a run in New York with some fluorescent gloves and a mooseknuckle. It’s like if Tolstoy posted for a New Balance ad.

Gallagher Lifts Car With Helicopter Because Traffic

Posted: 31 Jan 2011 10:16 AM PST

When I used to see Gallagher on TV when I was a kid, I was always like, “Oh! The watermelon comedian!” But after years of him being insane and looking the way he does, I now see him and immediately think, “Oh! The Vietnam War veteran!” What I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gallagher went back in time, served in Vietnam, and then came back to the present day to continue being a lunatic.

Here is a comedy bit (is it a comedy bit?) where Gallagher suggests evacuating stalled cars from traffic jams by way of a helicopter. Seems efficient!

You alright, Gallagher? Are your flashbacks too haunting?

Thanks @EugeneMirman.

The Rite Has The Dumbest Critic Quote I’ve Ever Seen

Posted: 31 Jan 2011 09:43 AM PST

The Anthony Hopkins exorcism thriller The Rite led the box office this past weekend, an achievement which we can solely attribute to this absolutely amazing review quote in the movie’s current tv spot:

Mmmmmmmm….nah. I haven’t seen the movie yet and I don’t really plan to, but no, Dr. Marc Newman of The Christian Post, I will not believe the devil is real after I see this movie.

The part where Anthony Hopkins is like “let’s not be disturbed” and the door shuts (cause of the devil) is pretty convincing, but frankly, I’m not gonna come out of this or any other movie believing in the existence of a magical demon, even if that movie rapes me after a party and I give birth to Rosemary’s Baby. Plus then I’d have this like, cool evil baby to play with, so I wouldn’t care anyway.

Here’s the full tv spot, if you need the excellent context:

Sold! Honestly, I didn’t think I’d come out of Ghostbusters believing that Slimer was real but that movie convinced me. Now I’m super careful any time I’m operating a hot dog cart in New York, especially around manhole covers.
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