Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Between Two Ferns Starring America’s Favorite Odd Couple, Jennifer Aniston And Tila Tequila

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 08:38 AM PST

This is funny, obviously. It’s Between Two Ferns Zach Galifianakis. These are always funny. This one stars Jennifer Aniston and Tila Tequila.

OK, so, Tila knows, at least in some capacity, that she’s essentially the butt of the joke. I think. Does she? I actually think we were all just HAD by Tila Tequila. I think she just won whatever she was gunning for. Tila Tequila just won Life.

I would also like a red button that plays the Friends theme song. Just in case Matt LeBlanc ever comes over. You never know. It would suck if he came over and I didn’t have that button at the ready.

Funny Or Die

Trailer Mix: The Wicker Tree. Oh My Cult!

Posted: 09 Feb 2011 08:35 AM PST

Remember The Wicker Man? The much mocked yet fondly referenced Nicolas Cage movie? Of course you do. However, I’d like to give you a little forewarning before you view this trailer. This, The Wicker Tree, is the sequel to the original Wicker Man. The 1973 Wicker Man, which means that it’s not just a wealth of scenes of Nic Cage KILLING IT, acting-wise. There’s not a Nic Cage to be found. It is just really effed. In a way that you would expect the sequel to an effed cult classic to be. And NSFW at all.

British people looooooooooove subtly mocking American country singers who just want to bring Jesus to their island and then drawing them into their cult and sex games and probably killing them. They love it. Like how Germans love making American tourists whose car breaks down into Human Centipedes.

NY Mag

Oh Talking Bears, You Even Make Seafood Commercials The Best

Posted: 08 Feb 2011 11:05 PM PST

Here’s an ad for the east coast restaurant chain Legal Sea Foods — not to be confused with Illegal Seafoods, which was probably a level in the Sega game James Pond — featuring just about the only thing that can make me laugh in a seafood commercial: a vocally disgusted bear. An animated .gif of Kelsey Grammer getting hit in the nuts with hushpuppies sped up real fast would probably make me laugh too, but that’s literally the only other thing. But this commercial’s the bear thing:

You can see the exact spot on the clip where they reversed the footage! TOO adorable. Yes, repeating footage is what someone who absorbes internet through his eye sockets for the majority of life (directly, my eyes are long gone) considers adorable. I’m gonna keep comparing my kids to this when I finally have them. And by “kids” I mean “finally signing up for FourSquare.”

Bonus Legal Sea Foods Talking Birds commercial is after the jump:

JWoww’s 9 Tips For Landing A Man (And 9 Responses)

Posted: 08 Feb 2011 03:37 PM PST

Jersey Shore boobtress Jenni “JWoww” Farley gave an interview explaining her 9 Tips On Love And Guidos to promote her new book, O Brother Where Art Woww? (Not really.) Below, her 9 dating tips, along with my reciprocally thoughtful responses to them:

1. You can't go wrong with cleavage: I can't explain it, but I do know that boobs hypnotize the opposite sex. You probably want to rein them in at your workplace and air them out when you're on a date.

Rein your boobs in at your workplace, especially if your workplace is being on the show Jersey Shore. If your boobs aren’t reined in enough, the producers will be like “Well I never!” and their monocles will fall into their brandy snifters of bronzer. Than an AOOOOOOOGAHH! car horn sound will go off, but that was just coincidentally happening in the background.

I cannot believe that JWoww’s first tip involved boobs.

2. Dirty talk is fine; a dirty guy isn't. MVP [the "Jersey Shore" trio of Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Vinny and Pauly D.] set the rule on this one — you will never see my roommates going out without sprucing up and pulling on a nice T-shirt.

What’s this about Dirty Sanchezing? Wear a nice t-shirt while doing it? That’s solid advice – The ‘Wowwster is 2-for-2. (I call her that cause JWoww’s too formal. She’s always like, “Please – Mr. JWoww is my father. Call me Wowwster.” I digress.)

3. Kiss his mother's ass: Never, ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.

Corollary: If you do want to remain single, then feel free to go to town on his mom. Be all like, “Yo momma’s so fat, you are that momma and you’re fat!” The possibilities are endless.

4. Never wear a granny on your fanny: Guys have no idea what you're wearing beneath your smokin' hot outfit. That is not, however, an excuse to go out in undies that look like they belong to your 80-year-old nonna.

No arguments there — do not literally wear someone’s grandmother on your fanny.

Although, what if your 80-year-old nonna owned some hot-ass crotchlesses? Shoe’s on the other grandma foot NOW, dawg.

5. You can never be too rich or too tan: Baby, it's all about the bronze.

You can never read too much Amy Tan. TOTAL agreement here, J.

6. Men love a lady who has skills: Let's be honest, guys say they're looking for someone pure and respectable to bring home to Mama, but they're secretly praying she's a f****** nympho with a bachelor's degree in banging.

I actually pray that my ladies have a PHD in banging, not just a Bachelor’s, and I don’t mean metaphorically — I will not go home with someone unless they have a framed banging diploma from an Ivy or prominent liberal arts college displayed clearly in their hands at the bar while I’m talking to them.

7. If he's treating you like Pinocchio, cut the strings: You should never allow yourself to be anyone's puppet.

Whoa, JWoww is against my chivalrous attempts to treat girls I’m hitting on like Pinocchio by granting their wishes to someday turn into a real boy? You’re losing me here.

8. Never leave home without condoms, your cell phone, cash and a change of panties.

In that order. Because you can always pay for things with wads of condoms, or wear your cell phone if you pee your pants. You cannot, however, have sex with cash wrapped around a penis. Well, you can, but you will instantly get pregnant with a money baby. Did you know that 78% of high school seniors don’t believe that money baby fact is true? Scary.

A-B-C: Always Bring Condoms. Put that coffee down when I’m giving you condom advice! F*ck you, that’s my name! Life is like a box of chocolates, old Jack Lemmon character!

9. Sloppy drunk is not a good look on anyone: You will most likely do something — or somebody — that you'll regret in the morning.

Remember, pay six figures in educational loans to get a literal secondary banging degree then always bring condoms and go to town while talking dirty (but not about moms or grandmoms) and also boobs boobs, just, you know, try to take it easy on the booze while you’re doing all this.

Here’s A Grown Man Crying About A Library

Posted: 08 Feb 2011 01:58 PM PST

It’s 2011; gender roles have evolved. But there is still something inherently silly about seeing a grown man cry. Obviously, there are times when a man can and should cry. A library closing, however, is probably not one of those times. Getting misty eyed? Fine. Mist up. Get as eye-moist as you want. Let the black of your eyes glisten with sentimentality. But if you want to not end up as a web video, you should probably not blubber away in a high pitch voiced and then yell “sh*t” at yourself for doing it.

Somebody should do a dissertation about the the following irony: Libraries are closing and being replaced by the internet because the internet can provide all the information in a library plus the entertainment of a guy crying about a library being closed.

“Excuse me, miss, but do you have any books about over-the-top crying by men who are sad about library closings?” – Question you would never ask a librarian.

“Grown man crying” – Thing you can and probably have Googled. In fact, that is how I found this other video which, by the way, is one of the greatest videos.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

One Big Reason To Never Have A Baby

Posted: 08 Feb 2011 12:44 PM PST

You can try to make a baby if you want. That’s up to you. But just know that it’s possible that something like this might try to come out of you eventually.

This is newborn Eric Byron. He is 13 pounds AND 2 ounces. He used to be inside of a person, and then he — I’m guessing — unzipped his mother from the inside as if he were wearing a gorilla suit and then stepped out into the world. Jesus Christ. Look at his head. He’s like an upside down snowman.

Oh, I’m sorry, Eric. Is being enormous boring you?

Anyway, if you have kids or you’re a teacher, and you want to dissuade America’s youth from having unsafe sex, I have made this helpful poster you can display in your home or classroom.

Thanks, Splash.

6 Expressions That Hollywood Will Turn Into #1 Movies

Posted: 08 Feb 2011 12:10 PM PST

With No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits already in the can (industry term for “finished toilet”), where will Hollywood turn next for faux-hip sounding expressions it can lazily turn into romantic comedies?

Here’s a list of 6 Expressions That Hollywood Will Definitely Turn Into Hit Movies in the very near future:






(Thanks as always to @pete_schultz for the expressioning and Photoshopping contributions – the non awful-looking ones were his.)

Predictions for other expressions Hollywood can lazily turn into hit movies? Leave ‘em in the comments.

Buy The Fuxedo, The One Piece Tuxedo

Posted: 08 Feb 2011 10:50 AM PST

There is a guy named Jon Murray and another guy named Andy Stuckey. They are both great guys. First of all, Jon invented a snack that is a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup inside of an Oreo. So, already, that’s pretty wonderful. But also, these two guys have been working on a thing for years (literally years) called the Fuxedo. The Fuxedo is a tuxedo built like coveralls. You just step into the pants, and then zip up the front. The cummerbund, jacket, and bow tie are all attached. They actually had two made just for them a few years back, and they straight up wear the thing to actual weddings. But, they have always wanted to find a way to mass produce them cheaply enough to be able to sell them to other people. Well, they’ve finally done it! Kind of!

Hahaha, $299! Okay, guys. But seriously, it is impressive they actually got this done. There were tons of problems with making it dry-cleanable, but they finally did it.

Look how convenient it is!

Go to their website and buy one (or seven!) of these things. These guys both have kids. Come on.
Brought to you by: at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)