Friday, December 16, 2011

Crushable

Crushable

Video: New Absolutely Fabulous Episode Mocks The Kardashians

Posted: 16 Dec 2011 11:42 AM PST

We’ve been freaking out for quite some time now over the new episodes of BBC classic Absolutely Fabulous that will begin airing on January 8. Now, there’s a way-too-short teaser from the twentieth anniversary special that takes on one of our least favorite modern dynasties: the Kardashians.

“They just sort of spread,” says Edina. “Like herpes,” adds Patsy. “Each one with its own reality show, they’re just multiplying like head lice.

“Look at this fat one at the end,” adds Eddie. “Very soon she will split like an amoeba and become two Kardashians.” “That looks like a boob, in fact it’s just another Kardashian,” agrees Patsy.

That is so true. I can’t wait to see what other hilarious takedowns these sharp-tongued, trashy-classy ladies dish out in the new season.

(Via HuffPo)

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Holiday Gift Guide Celebrity-Branded Gifts For Nearly Everyone On Your List

Posted: 16 Dec 2011 10:46 AM PST

It’s the happiest time of the year! You know, that month when every bit of money you’ve managed to accumulate gets spent buying presents for friends, family, neighbors, secret Santas, me… So, are you short on inspiration? Time to look to the stars. Here’s a round-up of some of this year’s best (or most hilarious) celeb-branded products. Glad tidings or whatever.

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Lady Gaga’s Fans Think ‘Marry The Night’ Is About Her Having An Abortion

Posted: 16 Dec 2011 10:26 AM PST

Lady Gaga‘s music videos often go for the outlandish, but she maintains that her newest video “Marry the Night” is completely autobiographical. The fashions, ballet sequences, and explosions are a way to relive and retell a past trauma, she told MTV News when the video was first released a week or so ago: “The entire story’s true, and it’s through the lens of how I choose to repaint my past.”

With that in mind, Gaga’s “little monsters” (fans) have started putting forward theories as to what the video could be about. The strongest theory is that Gaga (formerly known as Stefani Germanotta) had an abortion. This reasoning, which appeared over conversations on Twitter, Facebook, and a Gaga fansite, has a lot of support in details from the video as well as Gaga’s own interviews.

In the “Prelude Pathetique,” Gaga freely admits that she “prefer[s] to remember [things] in an artistic way. Truthfully, the lie of it all is much more honest because I invented it.” This is the first time I’ve actually seen the video, so I’m incredibly intrigued by Gaga sharing details like how the nurses are wearing next season’s Calvin Klein dresses and gauze caps to look like Parisian berets.

But, she adds, “Back then at the clinic, they only wore those funny hats to keep the blood out of their hair.” This shift to frankness reminds us that there’s a more serious story going on here than in past videos like “Just Dance” or “Poker Face.” Here’s the evidence that Gaga’s fans have gathered:

  • Talk of mothers: The obstetrician who treats Gaga coos over how she delivered her way back when and she looks just like her mother. Gaga’s answer is, “But my mother was a saint,” which seems to have the unspoken thought I’m a mother, or I used to be.
  • No intimacy: The doctor tells Gaga that she can’t have any “intimacy” for two weeks after this mystery procedure, which matches up with the statute of limitations on women having sex after abortions.
  • Bandages: When Gaga is undressing at home, we see that she’s wearing thick underwear like you would give women who’ve had abortions to staunch bleeding and prevent infection; and tape across her breasts like the “snug bras” intended to stop milk production.

There are also factors that would support the theory that Gaga was raped, leading to the suspected abortion: She’s said that losing her virginity at 17 was a “terrible” experience; and more bizarrely, the night of the video’s premiere last week she tweeted #NeedARuffee, possibly referring to the date-rape drug.

Kudos to the Examiner for putting all of this together. Now here’s the “Marry the Night” video so you can judge for yourself:

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Britney Spears Is Engaged To Jason Trawick

Posted: 16 Dec 2011 10:25 AM PST

She’s engaged again, y’all! Following a two year relationship blessedly free of crazy paparazzi incidents, Britney Spears has gotten engaged to her boyfriend and former agent, Jason Trawick. Brit Brit hinted at the engagement last night when she tweeted thusly:

“This is something they’ve both wanted for a long time,” a source told Us Weekly. What’s that you say? Britney Spears, who has gotten married twice before, has always liked the idea of getting married?! Tell us more, oh anonymous bringer of revelations.”It’s a way to cement their family. They’re both extremely happy and can’t wait to become man and wife.” Well, what do you know.

Despite the uncomfortable level of PDA on display in Britney’s “Criminal” video, it seems like this is easily Britney’s healthiest relationship so far; the two were friends for a long time before they started dating, and once they did, Jason resigned from being her agent. Also, he has a job aside from “being Britney Spears’ boyfriend,” which puts him miles beyond K-Fed and that creepy paparazzi guy.

Mazel tov, kids! May your life together be just like the sensual music video in which you co-starred, only without the part where the cops target you with a hail of magical bullets that can go through walls.

(Via Us Weekly)

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Ryan Gosling Is Too Cool To Accept Time Magazine’s Fake ‘Coolness’ Award

Posted: 16 Dec 2011 10:10 AM PST

There are so many reasons to love Ryan Gosling besides the fact that he’s dreamy and brooding. He’s also all the things we love in a sensitive guy who makes movie like Drive and then breaks up street fights in his spare time. So when the most mainstream mag of all, Time, decided to give Ryan the decidedly fabricated “Coolest Person of the Year” award, what did he do? He ignored them and their fake award-giving stunt like he ought to.

Perhaps in an attempt to make up for sister publication People magazine‘s snub, Time writer Joel Stein awarded Ryan with the title of “2011 Coolest Person of the Year.” Stein describes what it is about Ryan that makes him worthy of such an award fabricated from his own imagination:

“A movie star who broke up a fight on the streets of Manhattan and was also caught walking down a Manhattan street playing a Strumstick, which is like a ukulele only ukulelier. An Oscar nominee who also smokes, tags graffiti and has a predilection for posing with a fist to the camera but makes dioramas and takes public ballet classes alongside little girls too. He’s the only actor since Andy Kaufman to work as a waiter after making it in show business.”

Ok, true, that is all pretty great. But considering that Stein never mentioned the amazingness of the Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling Tumblr, we are doubting his credentials of an arbiter of cool.

If we know Ryan (and we often pretend we do) that’s probably why “he refused to talk” to the magazine about this “honor.” Ryan doesn’t need your pity accolades, Time magazine! He’s the winner of real awards. Such as the 2005 MTV Movie Award for “Best Kiss” in The Notebook and the Chloturdis Award for Best Actor in Blue Valentine. And also, forever the winner of our hearts.

(Photo: Favim)

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Art Crush: Superhero Breast Cancer Awareness Ads

Posted: 16 Dec 2011 09:45 AM PST

We kind of love these breast cancer awareness ads for the Associação da Luta Contra o Cancer in Mozambique: Super-powered heroines like Wonder Woman (above) take time out of fighting their arch-nemeses to perform self-exams. October was Breast Cancer Awareness month, but these ads remind us that women young and old should be checking themselves at least once a month.

The copy, from the Mozambique ad agency DDB, reads, Nobody’s immune to breast cancer. When we talk about breast cancer, there’s no women or superwomen. Everybody has to do the self-examination monthly. Fight with us against this enemy and, when in doubt, talk with your doctor.

Copyranter points out that the ALCC and DDB previously teamed up on much more disturbing breast cancer ads, featuring bugs writhing underneath women’s naked breasts. Yeah, superheroes are much better.

io9 seemed to take exception with She-Hulk‘s ad since she’s just crashed through a wall to defeat some baddies and a self-exam seems a little out of place. That’s a fair point, though I imagine the ad agency just wanted to put these ladies in their natural habitats…

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The Daily WTF: Crosby’s Molasses Is Advertising Grandma Sex

Posted: 16 Dec 2011 09:10 AM PST

The great thing about grandmothers is that they’ve never had sex. The make you chicken soup and knit you sweaters and hang out in rocking chairs and don’t ever even think about sex because they’ve never had it. Where did your parents come from, you ask? Storks!

The general sexlessness of grandmas makes these ads for Crosby’s molasses super weird. How did they even get the idea to put innuendo over these old ladies? It doesn’t even make sense to me and it’s throwing the entire universe off balance.

(via Gawker)

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Rob Lowe Is Mustached And Untouchable In Lifetime’s Wonderfully Campy New Trailer

Posted: 16 Dec 2011 08:56 AM PST

Just in time for the holidays, Lifetime has gifted us this incredible new trailer for Drew Peterson: Untouchable. The network’s latest biopic, about wife-killer Drew Peterson, had to be retitled from the more inflammatory Ladykiller: The Drew Peterson Story. However, that hasn’t stopped the filmmakers from shooting this like a horror movie, complete with a garage door that keeps opening and closing ominously.

And who is that with the extra weight and gray mustache? Why, it’s Rob Lowe, who spent the better part of this past year playing the accused murderer. It’s clear that Lifetime has no sympathy for Peterson when Rob’s one line is the super-campy “I’m untouchable, bitch.”

In fact, even the real Drew Peterson found it funny; the Chicago Tribune talked to his lawyer, who said he showed his client the trailer yesterday and got the reaction of “That’s hilarious.” That said, Peterson’s camp sent Lifetime a cease-and-desist because the movie’s release date (January 21) is pretty close to Peterson’s trial and most likely will skew the jurors’ viewpoints. But an entertainment lawyer told the newspaper that as long as Lifetime’s movie purports to be an opinion piece — that is, the network saying they believe Peterson is guilty — instead of a factual story, they’re protected by the First Amendment.

The movie also stars Kaley Cuoco as Stacy Peterson, one of Drew’s unlucky wives.

OK, we’ve kept you waiting long enough. Check out the Untouchable trailer:

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