Friday, March 25, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

What’s Wrong With Calling A Place “Fat Ho Burgers”?

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 08:39 AM PDT

Here’s a very local news report about a lady in Waco, Texas who’s named her burger joint “Fat Ho Burgers.” It basically plays out like any truly great story would — the owner believes we need a sense of humor in this world, referencing Japan, but the nearby religious cafe wishes they had been more sensitive with the name. HO’ NAME CONFLICT OF THE CENTURY!

Personally, my mouth’s just watering at the sound of “The Sloppy Ho’ Brisket”:

The breakout star of this film? White Guy Having To Read The Menu:

Still less embarrassing than ordering at Cold Stone.

(via Dlisted)

Sylvester Stallone To Launch Rambo And Rocky Inspired Clothing Line

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 08:08 AM PDT

Reports Heatworld:

Yes, the man famously described as a 'condom full of walnuts' has set out on his most dangerous mission yet, joining the lethal and cut-throat world of fashion.

He is going to launch a range of clothes called Sly Inc next year. Sylvester told Men's Week: “I thought the time is now. I’ve lived a life where I know what has worked and what hasn’t worked. Clothing is the first step to building a character.

"Rocky at the end of the day is a love story, while Rambo showcases the other side of masculinity, he is a loner. So the line will offer looks for ‘the rebel and the gentleman.’”

First, a correction, Heatworld. It was Arnold Schwarzenegger, Not Sly, who was described as a “condom full of walnuts” by Clive James. That is basically the best description of something I’ve ever heard, so although I like seeing it in print from time to time, we might as well reference the right action star. Although, to be fair, Sly also at one point did look like a condom full of walnuts, or at least what I imagine one to look like.

Anyway. I truly think this line will work out. Everyone loves camoflauge. Everyone loves a gray hoodie. Everyone loves a rebel and a gentleman. I’m investing all of my monies into Sly Inc, then immediately pulling them out when he moves on to the Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Spring line.

“You’re So Hot” Defiles Justin Bieber And Franco Brother (NSFW!)

Posted: 24 Mar 2011 09:46 PM PDT

Are you a fan of homoerotica? Do you like James Franco? Is that the most redundant pair of questions you’ve ever been asked?

Well then THIS video is for you. Christopher Mintz-Plasse gets into a homoerotic showdown with Dave Franco. Yes, the younger brother of James, who is arguably hotter albeit with a mucccch more annoying voice. The two actors come face to face hurling sexual come-ons at each other with lightning speed. If sperm-related humor ain’t your bag, then feel free to just leave this bag in the clearance aisle at Marshall’s because you will not be purchasing it. Yes, it’s dirty. Very very dirty. Forget NSFW, it might not even be safe for your home or your “masturbating corner.”

That is, unless you dinner table conversation often includes talk about Justin Bieber’s lips coming out of a penis hole, in which case, gather the fam around!

With thanks to our ol’ pal Alec Mapa for the link.

DO YOU SEE THAT TWISTER Dude = PA’s Answer To Double Rainbow Guy

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 07:34 AM PDT

Being from Western Pennsylvania myself, I’m often the recipient of baffling looks from friends whenever I imitate a regional accent — people just assume I’m doing some wacky cartoon character voice. It’s even more amusing when friends of mine visit Pittsburgh and hear the accent and think they’re just encountering a succession of weird people until at some point they finally relent and realize that yes, this is actually a way people talk.

So whenever an awesome video appears online to prove to the rest of the nation that we’re not making this accent up, I obviously have to share it. This was actually shot outside Pittsburgh, but it’s a Western PA accent if I’ve ever heard one — submitted for your approval, here’s Pennsylvania’s answer to Double Rainbow Guy, the lovable Tornado Yinzer:

(thanks, Post-Gazette.com)

TLC Encourages Hoarding on TLC’s Hoarding

Posted: 24 Mar 2011 01:58 PM PDT

Best Week Ever mastermind and now published author (buy her book) Caissie St. Onge captured this very telling screengrab on TLC’s Hoarders: Buried Alive, which is kind of like A&E’s Hoarders (rooms full of garage sale finds and fecal matter and flat cats) only on this Hoarders, TLC seems to be fueling the problem. Look:

What kind of a f*cking. maniac. would want to own episodes of Hoarders on DVD? Oh. Right.

You can follow Caissie on Twitter here. Oh, and me! Follow me.

A Proud Day: K-Town (The Asian Jersey Shore) Cites Best Week Ever In Its Sizzle Reel

Posted: 24 Mar 2011 12:25 PM PDT

A while back, Dan Hopper wrote a post about K-Town, a reality show being touted as the Asian Jersey Shore. The title of his post was “Asian Jersey Shore Proves Guidoism Knows No Racial Bounds.” A fair statement. In fact, so fair, that the producers of K-Town embraced it as a complimentary(?) truth and included it in their sizzle reel! Check it OUT:

Did you know? WE ARE NOW A LEGITIMATE NEWS SOURCE according to morally bereft reality television show sizzle reels.. The only downside to all of this is that Dan will no longer be working here, as he has been promoted to The President of VH1 and The United States.

This is the screen grab of Dan’s quote in full glory:

I just hope Dan remembers me when he’s kite surfing around the world with Richard Branson.

Warming Glow

I Would Not Trust My Children Around This Version Of Clive Owen

Posted: 24 Mar 2011 12:22 PM PDT

Clive Owen has grown a mustache. And with it, a child molester’s ‘do. Clive Owen would probably like to have a seat over here, if you know what I mean. I mean he looks like he has sexual relations with children.

The Captain America Trailer Will Make You Hate Nazis All Over Again

Posted: 24 Mar 2011 11:56 AM PDT

The trailer for the soon-to-be summer blockbuster Captain America is here (and in HD… ohhh.) It looks pretty slick, specifically Chris Evans’ pecs post musculation (a word I invented to describe the act of a machine injecting a Hollywood actor with muscles, as seen below). His pecs are reaaaaw slick.

The plot is simple: Emaciated young man wants to join army to fight Nazis. Boy, he too skinny. So Stanley Tucci puts him in an iron lung full of steriods and Voila! It’s my favorite band, Chris Evans and the Dozen Abs. Then he kicks the sh*t out of a bunch of Nazis and sh*t using his shield and his fists. We can’t wait until next week, when they release the trailers for the 400 sequels that will surely be born from this film.

Anyway put your American Flag Converse on your hands and click play, because this is about as American as you’ll ever feel.

(via Gawker)

Who Wins The Yoda Look-Alike Contest? This Guy!

Posted: 24 Mar 2011 10:04 AM PDT

This is a Tarsier, as photographed by Erik Mikhailov, in the jungle in the Philippines.

Do you think this Tarsier dispenses sage advice with muddled syntax? Do you think if Yoda talked normally he would seem as wise? I think the answer to both those questions is definitely, maybe.

Metro UK

TOP CHEF ALL-STARS RECAP: The Last Supper (Before Next Week’s Finale)

Posted: 24 Mar 2011 10:05 AM PDT

It’s the TOP CHEF ALL-STARS FINALE!!!! Almost! It’s the third of four Bahamas Finale episodes, entitled “The Last Supper.” Alllthough…it’s not the “Last” Supper, it’s Supper Part 3 out of 4 Last Suppers. I don’t remember THAT f***in’ painting, DA VINCI! Don’t act like you’re not reading this. My exes – always stalking me.

It’s been an exciting season, but by this point, even B-Roll Beach Dog is ready for this thing to wrap up:

So which spritely concheftant is getting sent home one week before the finale? WILL IT BE…

Last Quickfire of everyone’s Top Chef careers after the jump:

The episode opens with the standard testimonial-jabbing, with Mike gloating about his back to back wins and Richard snapping back “Good for him, he won two challenges in his two seasons of Top Chef – I’ve won 8.” Again, I love Richard, but he sure is confident in himself for someone who supposedly hates all his food and pretends like he thinks he’s going home every week. Just some liquid-nitrogened duo of food for thought.

For the Quickfire, the chefs each get to assign a rival chef one classic Top Chef Quickfire challenge from the Top Chef Criterion Collection (still no idea why these challenges are all $29.95) — Mike gives the “Canned Goods” challenge to Antonia, Antonia gives Richard “Hot Dogs,” and Richard gives Mike “One Pot.” I personally would’ve given Mike “Cook a thing three episodes ago before you touched the talent ball from Space Jam,” but Richard whiffed on that one.

Suspiciously, though, the Quickfire is being moderated by this guy:

Mid-Quickfire, the chefs each get to assign a “Classic Top Chef Twist” to their competitors — Richard makes Mike cook “without knives or hand tools,” Antonia makes Richard finish his dish with one hand, and Antonia gets stuck in a three-legged-race apron with Carla (BIPARTI-SANDWICH!!! Never forget.) It was nice to see Top Chef up the ante a bit in the Quickfires after some recent easy challenges (cook whatever for this Fake King), but other than Richard cutting limes slower, none of the handicaps really seemed to affect anyone. But we did get to see Padma in that yellow dress an extra time, RIGHT GUYS? BONER HIGH FIVE! Wait, is that manly? Oh, it’s the most manly? Whew.

The guest judge is Wolfgang Puck, the Baron of Charisma, who looked juuust enough like UHF villain R.J. Fletcher for me to force an R.I.P. Kevin McCarthy reference into this Recap:

Wolfgang says that Richard’s hot dogs are too ketchupy but his kids would love them (don’t be discouraged, Richard, his kids are all James Fuzzy-Teenage-Mustache Award Winners, the highest honor for Kiddie Chefz), Antonia’s dish is “a little too concentrated” (possibly because it was made from canned goods? Or probably it was the apron), and Mike’s pork could’ve been cooked more, because he only had 45 minutes to braise it. In the end, Mike takes the victory yet again, and wins $5,000 and another 5,000 minutes of gloaty, chubby smiles.

Now we move on to the PENULTIMATE ELIMINATION, where–

…Whoa what? Never mind, just gonna move on from that. The Penultimate Elimination, where the finalists will pair up with a Master Chef and prepare that chef’s ideal last meal. I like this challenge a lot, partly because the episode title now makes sense, but mostly because we get to see MASTER CHEF KID PIX:

Morimoto playing baseball would’ve been the most adorable thing ever, if it weren’t for…

Ahhhh!!! Amazing!!!! Ellis Island Episode MASTERS!

The guest chefs each ask for something from their childhood: Wolfgang Puck asks Richard to make a traditional Austrian assortment of goulash, spätzle, and strudel, and to perform “So Long, Farewell” from The Sound of Music in its entirety. Morimoto asks Antonia to recreate his mother’s classic Bento box of rice, miso soup, and sashimi. I can’t imagine a more intimidating experience for a chef than having to cook rice, miso soup, and sashimi for f***ing Morimoto — maybe having to yell “bam” at Emeril? It’s close.

Meanwhile, Mike and Michelle Bernstein are on an episode of MTV’s Next:

Michelle instantly gets nexted, but on her way out tells the camera “He thinks he’s so extraordinary, but really he just ordinary.”

Michelle actually tells Mike that her favorite food growing up was fried chicken and biscuits, and Bravo cuts to this photo of Danielle as a kid eating a huge chicken leg:

Whatever PA wrangled up that photo should instantly be promoted to, like, Vice Ken Burns. Probably the best job of putting a photo under a thing ever. Do they give awards for that? The Production Associaties? I think it airs on CMT.

The chefs prepare their dishes — Richard doesn’t know how to make strudel offhand, so he’s kind of winging it, and Antonia is doing her best to live up to Morimoto’s obviously demanding standards for rice and miso, but Mike, having drawn the relatively easy “chicken and biscuits” assignment, is making his own spin on the dish with an empanada instead of biscuits. Throughout the cooking process, Antonia is shown crying in her testimonials, which is usually an early indication that she gets sent home (by the ol’ Mike Still “They Shoot The Testimonials Afterwards So You Can Tell” Theory).

In the middle of the cooking segment, Bravo randomly cuts in footage from Behind the Music:

The chefs then present their dishes to a seven-person Judges panel. Antonia’s sashimi is highly questionable and her miso was too salty, and Mike’s bold twist earns Michelle Bernstein’s respect but she doesn’t love the egg-filled empanada. Richard’s Austria-fest is a huge hit, though, and he quickly earns himself a trip to the finals.

So it’s down to Mike vs. Antonia for the other Finale spot, and it’s time for the twist that they’ve been saving all episode…

The Judges are going to mug them? No, that’s not it. The BIG FINAL TWIST is inside an envelope, which Padma’s been holding the entire episode. She’ll reveal it in just a minute, after a commercial break, a DVR Buster, and ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK:

What’s in the envelope?? It must be something really twisty. Like, a huge handful of cinnamon twists? They have to eat a handful of cinnamon twists??? That wouldn’t be such a huge twist. Well it would, in terms of not expecting it, but not in terms of “this is not stupid.” So WHAT’S IT GONNA BE??? OPEN IT, ANTONIA!!!

Oh. That was anticlimactic. Mike and Antonia will cook one more dish (the only thing I would’ve guessed the extra twist would be), and each one will present “one bite” to the judges for the right to move on to the finals. Mike compiles a Tempura Lobster Over Beef Tartare with Carmelized Olives and Chimichurri Sauce, while Antonia counters with an also-delicious-sounding Seared Grouper in Coconut Lobster Broth with a Yam, Apple, and Dill Pollen Relish. The judges agree that both dishes are tasty, but Antonia’s might be “too powerful” (has any non-chef ever complained that food is “too powerful?”) while Mike’s is more on the refined, subtle side.

The Judges each pick their favorite, and after a 3-3 split, it all comes down to Wolfgang:

In the end, the chefs prefer Mike’s refinedness to Antonia’s too-much-flavor, and Antonia is sent home oh-so-close to the Finale. Fortunately, she’s immediately in good spirits after her elimination:

So we’re down to the Final Two: Richard Blais vs. Mike Isabella. After this episode’s Twisteroos, what could possibly be in store for the Actual Finale?

In the “Next Week On Top Chef” segment, Bravo does give us one teeny spoiler:

Antonia Elimination thoughts? Finale predictions? Leave ‘em in the ALL-STAR Comments!

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