Thursday, March 31, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Pig Out: Help Denny’s Celebrate Bacon!

Posted: 31 Mar 2011 09:34 AM PDT

I’m always wary of a long con. Are more than a normal amount of people being nice to me today? I’m obviously a mark in a very elaborate heist/Spanish Prisoner situation. Similarly, Denny’s Baconalia, their new menu that “celebrates” bacon, means that Denny’s is trying to kill us all via slowly replacing our organs and blood with bacon. Or, maybe Denny’s knows that no one wants to work and is just trying to help get us on paid disability. Because we’re morbidly obese from Baconalia. Like Dr. Nick’s weight gain plan for Homer on The Simpsons: “Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon!”

That being said, bacon (infused) ice cream is actually sort of good. I mean, it tastes like bacon ice cream. But looks like Denny’s just puts the bacon directly into the ice cream. All the better to KILL YOU WITH.

However, our own Dan Hopper is enthusiastic, saying, “bacon and sweets go together great! I support the move.” This will be Dan is a few months:

ONTD

Existence Validated: Kim Cattrall Thinks People Should Write For Blogs

Posted: 31 Mar 2011 08:44 AM PDT

I <3 Blogs

Page Six went to cover the premiere of Kim Cattrall’s new film, Meet Monica Velour. This is the exchange they had:

She then turned her anger on gossip columns, specifically Page Six, despite our being big fans of hers. “It’ll chew you up and spit you out,” she said, leaning in and adding that being a gossip reporter just isn’t a “respectable job.”

Cattrall asked, “Why don’t you work at — what’s that news agency — Roybers?” When we corrected her, “Reuters,” she conceded, “Yeah, sorry, I’ve been drinking.”

But she didn’t stop there, ranting, “What about writing for a blog? Then you can write about what you want [or] care about.”

The reasons I love Cattrall from this exchange are threefold:

1) She told a gossip reporter, who she knew would write about her, “I’ll chew you up and spit you out.” Badass! Also, I love that phrase! Next to, “I’ll buy and sell you and your family.”
2) She likes to drink. Me too!
3) She thinks blogs are respectable job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me sort of too(ish)!

POINT BLOGS! I do write about things I want to write about! Like how Kim Cattrall thinks people should write for blogs. That’s exactly what I want to write about!

Anyway, bloggers, we’ve got to get on top of this Cattrall endorsement. I’m thinking she stars in an ad campaign promoting blogs, featuring tasteful nudity and a reference to Mannequin because blogs like stuff like that. The tag line could be, “Tumblr, WordPress, Roybers Oh My!” (Said in the sexy Samantha voice). Maybe not, I’m still ironing out the details. Suggestions welcome.

APRIL FOOL’S DAY PRANK IDEA: Angry Nuts

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 05:26 PM PDT

Yesterday, we brought you the first look at the latest Chris Lilley masterpiece, Angry Boys. But it was only 40 seconds long, which is roughly 9 hours too short.

Thankfully, we have another extended clip from the upcoming comedy, and right in time for April Fool’s Day. The prank is called “Angry Nuts.” And it’s pretty simple, if you have balls. Just pop a couple of them out in your next family portrait, and voila: PRANK. Again, we long for Ja’Mie to make an appearance on this show, but I guess testicles will have to suffice for now. (Language NSFW. Oh also all the tiny testicles you are about to see might be NSFW depending on how well your boss can see.)

“He’s too snakey.” Yup.

(thanks to Matthue Roth for the tip!)

OPEN THREAD: Who Will Win The Top Chef All-Stars Finale?

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 02:05 PM PDT

The Last Supper has been served, and tonight, it’s time for The Even Laster Supperer: The Top Chef All-Stars Season Finale (for real this time!)

Your simple discussion question for the next 5 hours:


Who do you think will win vs. who do you want to win? Specific finale predictions? Twist predictions? Vote and argue away in the comments.

Exclusive Celebrity Apprentice Spoiler: Guess Who Isn’t Winning?

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 01:41 PM PDT

You guys, major top secret exclusive Celebrity Apprentice news that everyone no one saw coming!! Apprentice cast-off and generally hilarious woman Lisa Rinna guest hosted on Access Hollywood: Live. While on the show, the Apprentice cast-off tells of a phone call she received from La Toya Jackson which reveals not only a major show spoiler but also just how conniving Star Jones really is:

They had all gotten together and they’d all gone out to dinner, before the show even started. I got a little call from Latoya, I think right after she got fired, and she said ‘Lisa, I just wanna tell you, you did such a great job. And I love you so much and I’m really sorry that I didn’t stand up for you. But Star had everybody go out to dinner, and I was sitting at another table, I didn’t want to go. And I do know that she told everybody that she hated you and she wanted you off the show before it even started.

So there you have it: La Toya Jackson Will Not Be Winning Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice. We know this meme has been buried deep into the Earth’s core, but forgetting it ever existed for a moment: Duh.

And we still cannot wait for Star Jones vs Nene Leakes to kick off. That beeping you hear is because this fight will be off the hoooooook.

EMERGENCY ALERT: TORTOISE GONE MISSING FROM ZOO

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 01:45 PM PDT

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TORTOISE?!?! He has gone missing from the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado. His name is Butti, and zookeepers are concerned that somebody might have stolen him to keep him as a pet.

The main zoo guy is all like…

If you have any information at all regarding the whereabouts Butti the Tortoise you are probably the guy who stole Butti the Tortoise.

Thanks, AOL News.

NIP SLIP: Won’t Someone Tell Milla Jovovich Her Entire Breast Is Out?

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 01:21 PM PDT

Milla Jovovich (pronounced Mee-luh Yo-vo-vitch, as per her Twitter bio) seems like a nice enough girl. Yes, she’s stunning, and might actually be Leonardo DiCaprio in a wig. But those two reasons alone are not enough to make enemies.

And yet, we can’t help but wonder who Milla has wronged in her lifetime and her entourage. Because doesn’t it seem slightly suspect that no one would tell her her entire nipple is out?

(Click For The Uncensored Photo)

Here is Milla walking the red carpet only moments ago at Mikhail Gorbachev’s 80th Birthday Gala Concert at Royal Albert Hall in London, in a dress that screams “Here is my nipple. Just one, don’t get greedy.”

You can only imagine Mikhail’s reaction to such a photo…

LOVIN’ IT.

You know, even with that errant nipple hanging out, Milla is looking gorgeous….

(Click For The Uncensored Photo)

And it seems like this slight nipple oversight hasn’t put a damper on the night! Check out her latest Teet Tweet:

See? She’s nice. Milla, get better friends. If we were friends, I would have been like “Milla! Your entire breast is out. Tuck that sh*t in, girl!”

[Pics via Splash]

Who Else Has The Lindsay Lohan Homeless Guy Slept With?

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 11:43 AM PDT

TMZ is reporting that a homeless guy near the 405 freeway in Los Angeles has been spotted holding the following sign.

Now, did this guy actually sleep with Lindsay Lohan? I don’t know. I’m not a rocket scientist. But if he did, he should remember that sleeping with Lindsay Lohan is just like sleeping with all the other homeless guys she’s ever slept with.

So now these two homeless guys have pretty much slept with each other. And that’s scary because sleeping with this homeless guy is like sleeping with all the Tiger Woods he’s ever slept with.

So, according to middle school health class, by way of Lindsay Lohan and another homeless guy, our first homeless guy has also slept with Tiger Woods. So I guess give him money? But he’s not even really asking for money. These signs are actually all very bad at soliciting money. It’s almost like these homeless people don’t have a good feel for commerce.

Prince Harry Jumps Into Ice Cold Water For Charity; Reporter Follows Suit For No Reason

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 11:43 AM PDT

Prince Harry has traveled to the Arctic, where he’ll be taking a dip in the ice cold ocean for charity. It’s called “Walking with the Wounded,” and is basically a walk to the North Pole. Seems needlessly complicated if you ask me, but don’t ask me, because I’m neither wealthy nor royalty and y’all know I hate the ocean. We have video footage of Harry’s jump ahead, and it pretty much sums up everything we know about England’s sexy ginger-topped Prince: He’s kind of an idiot.

But perhaps not as big of an idiot as Ben Fogel, a reporter on The Today Show who followed Harry up north, one wonders to report or to make a new friend. Ben bravely does what no self-respecting person would ever do, and jumps feet first into the ocean which is clocking in at negative one degrees. You can pretty much guess what happens: Strapping handsome man jumps into icy water, turns into squealing toddler with braids. He may or may not have peed himself. But the results that he comes to at the end of this segment will absolutely shock you.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Me neither. Me neither. Me neither.

Ahead, footage of Prince Harry doing the same thing “for charity.”

Thus ending our report on Rich People Getting To Do Whatever The F*ck They Want.

Sad Clown Kid Presents The Saddest Protest Sign Ever

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 11:06 AM PDT

Not that most protest signs are “happy,” but my God, could this photo of a sad clown kid protesting a circus in England be any sadder (in the words of Protest Chandler)?

Aaaahhhhahahhhhh!!! Bringdown for entire rest of 2011!!

I guess all that other bad stuff happened too, so it’s not like this is even close to the actual worst thing, but still, it happens to be the thing that I am looking at right this second, and also SAD CLOWN KID! SAD CLOWN LETTERS! KIND OF POST-APOCALYPTIC WARZONE BEHIND HIM OR SOMETHING! I will never go to a post-apocalyptic British animal circus ever again.

Just A European Guy With A MACHETE SLINGSHOT!

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 10:15 AM PDT

Here are some quotes from this video just so you know what you’re about to get into.

“It’s a machete shooting slingshot… actually a slingshot crossbow.” Oh, okay. Got it!

“I take this machete. You see I carved a notch into the tip.” Right, carving a machete. We totally follow you.

“What is it good for? Nothing. Except for attracting people’s attention on YouTube.” Mission accomplished.

So, obviously this guy is great and hopefully is a dad. If this invention would have been introduced in the first episode of The Walking Dead, that show would have been one episode long. The same applies for MacGyver. And probably even Magnum, P.I. for that matter. Any show, really. This is the invention to abbreviate all action based narratives.

Thanks again, Space Ghetto, though, as always, I will not link to you because of genitals, nightmares, and potential lawsuits.

OMGWTF: Meet Jose Canseco’s Identical Giant Monster Twin

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 09:44 AM PDT

Forgive my ignorance to the above mentioned fact, but…

WTF?!?!

Forgive my ignorance on this matter — I was way too pumped up on ‘roids in the ’80s to pay attention to such things. But a recent news item reports that Jose swapped places with his identical twin brother Ozzie Canseco at a Celebrity Boxing event. How very Parent Trap of them!

But more importantly… whaaaaat?

I mean, I didn’t even know there were enough steroids to keep these two up and moving.

How sucky must life be for Ozzie? He looks exactly like his brother, is in the same professional sport, but no one knows who he is and/or cares. You don’t see Donald Trump chastise Ozzie in the Celebrity Apprentice boardroom while Ozzie stares back, tiny eyed, twitchy, sporting the latest in bedazzled menswear, do you?

Ahead, we have some uncanny side-by-side photos of these two brothers, as well as facts comparing the different lives these two lead.

Jose Canseco has had 462 career home runs, which ranks him 32nd on the all-time list.
Ozzie Canseco played for the Kintetsu Buffaloes in Japan. No record of his home-runs exist.

Jose Canseco has guest starred on The Simpsons and Nash Bridges.
Ozzie Canseco once urinated next to Walker, Texas Ranger and couldn’t wait to tell everyone.

Jose Canseco appeared on the fifth season of VH1′s The Surreal Life.
Ozzie Canseco appeared on the fifth season of VH1′s The Surreal Life as a Jose Canseco impersonator. Everyone was blown away because no one knew who the f*ck he was.

Jose Canseco admitted to using steroids in his book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big.
Ozzie Canseco was stopped by police in 2003 because the tinted windows in his Lincoln Navigator were too dark. Oh, they also found a sh*t ton of steroids.

Jose Canseco is spending 2011 as a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice.
Ozzie Canseco was arrested in January of 2011 for Driving Under the Influence, with a DUI of .115.

Jose Canseco has dated internationally famous models and actresses.
Ozzie Canseco once hooked up with that waitress at Friday’s.

On the bright side, we’re pretty sure that Jose’s relationship with Janice Dickinson negates all the cool sh*t he’s done, so it’s not too late to become the better twin, Ozz!

The Prince William And Kate Middleton Toilet Seat

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 09:24 AM PDT

“I’ve got a toilet seat. And the only cure… is Prince William and Kate Middleton.” – English Person Who Doesn’t Understand Toilets, Royalty, Or The Cow Bell Blue Oyster Cult Sketch

Let’s discuss the many ways in which this is a bad idea. While the word “throne” is often used as a term for toilets, there is something distinctly unroyal about them. It’s probably that you sh*t in them. That’s probably the unroyal thing about them — the sh*t. So, that’s issue #1.

Now, issue #2. Is it that hard to draw Prince William and Kate Middleton? Why does no artistic likeness of them look anything like them? What is that? Just trace a magazine cover, England. But this is really more of a general concern about the art surrounding this impending wedding than it is a problem with this specific toilet seat, so let’s move on to our final issue, issue #3: This Toilet’s Surroundings.

The roll of toilet paper just sits next to the toilet. If you don’t yet own a toilet paper holder, you should really not be investing in William and Kate toilet seat covers. #Priorities

Thanks, Splash.

Drunk Dials Are Even More Adorable When Illustrated

Posted: 30 Mar 2011 09:19 AM PDT

Look – we’ve all drunk dialed people before. We’ve all told people they looked great in their little clothing, and that we work at Jamba Juice which is spelled really complicatedly, and rambled on for two minutes about chemistry and yo-yos. We have literally all done exactly that. The frickin’ Pope has done that at least, like, four times. So I understand the drunk dial part of it.

I’ve just never seen the words of a drunk dial so well illustrated:

Ed Note: I just listened to this out loud in my office, not realizing that my officemate very likely thought I was just listening to a voicemail. Do I broach the subject, or just seem awesome for the rest of our office lives together?

(via The Daily What)
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