Saturday, March 26, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

I Will Never Forgive The Idol Judges For Saving Casey Abrams

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 07:16 PM PDT

I want to thank you, America, for doing the right thing this week and not voting for Casey Abrams on American Idol. Look, he seems like a nice enough guy, and his singing is aight. Not my cup of tea. In fact, I hate tea, specifically the brew that streams out of Casey Abrams’ mouth on Idol.

And the faces he makes. You know how I feel about the faces he makes.

Now, on the one hand, I want to root for Casey. The bullied child in me identifies with him, and I don’t want to shun the poor kid because, let’s face it, he’s kind of awkward and spazzy. If I ever meet the guy, I’m sure he’s lovely, down to Earth, and grateful for all the success he’s seen so far.

Then again, a couple of things bothered me about last night. Each time Casey got closer and closer to being the one eliminated, you could see the shock on his face. He couldn’t believe America didn’t want him! And yet, we didn’t! He was voted off.

It was one of the few moments in Idol history that I actually thought “Hey, USA, you didn’t let me down.” Apparently I was not alone in getting creeped out by Casey. Oh, but you know who is totally, completely not creeped out by him and thinks he has a real career in music? Yeah, the judges. The f**king judges.

Casey got up to try to “sing for his life,” and basically did an impression of every Jew on the toilet at the end of Passover. It was horrendous. And, like an Angel sent from a Cuban baseball team, Randy stopped the performance half-way through. Could it be? Casey was over?

No. Of course not. Because nothing is every easy or right on Idol or in life. The judges didn’t need to hear any more of Casey’s bowels. He was being saved! And the guy… I’ve never seen such a performance from any actor on the Idol stage. He was like a mother finding out her son had been killed in the war. He stumbled around a bit, looked dizzy, grasped his heart and sweated through his suit. It was a fairly accurate impression of myself on Mexican Diet Pills. Casey had been saved, and, in turn, my love for this show died a little bit. This saving business is nonsense.

You can see Casey’s reaction to being saved ahead if you missed it. And I’m sure his fans will spam the comments section telling me to go die because I’m not head over beard about Casey. Sorry folks. It’s not personal. I just think he sucks.

NOT SURE IF WANT: Easy Feet Cleaning Shoes

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 02:51 PM PDT

Just caught this infomercial for Easy Feet. It’s basically an Adidas pool shoe with toothbrush bristles for your feet. At first, I was like “This is rereeee.” But the longer I watched the ad, the more I wanted my feet to feel that undeniably satisfying bristle effect. Sure, it’s the kind of thing I would buy and then hide when company came over (*I am 60 now apparently), but frankly, I’d probably buy two and wear them around the house. It would be like walking all over the face of Donald Sutherland, something I once posted a Craigslist ad about but no one got back to me.

*10 minute silence*

Here’s the ad.

Baby Horse Day Continues: This One Has A Fake Hoof

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 01:57 PM PDT

Just when I thought “OK! That’s it. No more baby horse today. It’s already too much.” Wrong. Wrong. Look at this guy:

HE HAS A PROSTHETIC HOOF.

Oh God, it looks like a little Reebok high top sneaker for dwarves!! His name is Midnite and he was born without a hoof. His hoof is wearing little horsey angel wings in heaven. And he was bound to join his limb in heaven, as doctors were going to put him to sleep. UNTIL A GENIUS WAS LIKE “Wait, I’ll build him a $14,000 plastic foot and he can LIVE.” AND VOILA. A horse who didn’t kill his wife! — Poorly blended in Fugitive reference.

The only thing we take slight issue with is this sentence, from Splash:

The owner of Ranch Hand Rescue, Fort Worth, Texas, where the horse lives says he will soon be ready to carry children.

I mean, what? He’s 4 inches high and has a peg leg. Is it really necessary to put some screaming brat on his tiny little back? Can’t he make his equine living carrying single oranges for people?

A close-up of the hoof ahead. You want to see it.

Ayayay it is so dainty. I want to put a hot dog bun around it and die from plastics poisoning.

Everything About This Water For Elephants Promo Pic Seems Normal

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 01:46 PM PDT

Eh, I don’t know if I’m gonna see that movie with Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon and those elephants. UP TO YOU TO CONVINCE ME, UNIVERSE.

Sold! I’m totally gonna see that movie with Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon and the elephants. It’s got everything! Reese Witherspoon kinda Photoshoppedly riding an elephant, Robert Pattinson, you name it. Literally anything you can name is in it and/or riding an elephant in it, if that thing is Reese Witherspoon.

It’s almost as if looking at this photo broke my mind and I’m rambling thoughtlessly while it tries to repair itself for the rest of my life. And isn’t that really the goal of any great promotional photo? BlorFF. Oops, I’ve lost the capacity to say “yes.”

(via EW)

OMG, LOL And Other Previously Not Real Words Added To Oxford English Dictionary

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 01:13 PM PDT

"OMG LOL!"-James Murray

New Words Alert, Nerds!!! Whip out your Oxford English Dictionaries, or, OED’s as we call them in the streets. You might want to pencil in these new words and their definitions:

OMG [OMG int. (and n.) and adj.]: 'Oh my God' (or sometimes 'gosh', 'goodness', etc.)

LOL [LOL int. and n./2]: 'laughing out loud'

Also added:

♥ to heart

The new sense added to heart v. in this update may be the first English usage to develop via the medium of T-shirts and bumper-stickers. It originated as a humorous reference to logos featuring a picture of a heart as a symbol for the verb love, like that of the famous 'I ♥ NY' tourism campaign. Our earliest quote for this use, from 1984, uses the verb in 'I heart my dog's head', a jokey play on bumper stickers featuring a heart and a picture of the face of a particular breed of dog (expressing a person's enthusiasm for, say, shih-tzus) which itself became a popular bumper sticker. From these beginnings, heart v. has gone on to live an existence in more traditional genres of literature as a colloquial synonym for 'to love'.

From a land down under

The OED aims to cover lexical developments from throughout the English-speaking world. In this update, a few new items from Australian English enter the dictionary for the first time: flat white n., a style of espresso drink with finely textured foamed milk; tragic n., a 'boring or socially inept person, esp. one with an obsessive interest or hobby'; and yidaki n., an Australian Aboriginal term for the musical instrument better known in English as a didgeridoo.

Wait, no mention of the Men at Work song? Do your research better, OED!

And, lest we forget:

muffin top, n. (no definition available online yet)

OED

DEAF PUPPEDY JAM: Dog Learns Sign Language

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 12:58 PM PDT

Alternate title for this video: Oh Jesus. No. Oh God. My heart.

A deaf couple in Ireland went to their local shelter and could not believe their luck: A deaf puppy had been left by a breeder, waiting for a home. Now, they’re teaching that puppy sign language. It’s like watching a miniature marshmallow bob up and down in a rich mug of hot choco. He’s such a genius!!! And has a reverse Phantom of the Opera face.

OK Koko the Ape he isn’t. But he’s like 8 nanoseconds old. Give him time!! You’re gonna see this little guy in the corner of your television screens during the local news.

Name Dropper: Lindsay Lohan Is Going To Lose The Lohan

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 11:52 AM PDT

Ms. Lohan if you're nasty

This is no Chad Michael Murray, sorry Chad Murray debacle. What could be? However, Lindsay Lohan dropping the Lohan from her name and Chad dropping the Michael from his name are both terrible, misguided moves.

Reports Popeater

Lindsay had been thinking about dropping her surname for some time but at first thought no one would know who she was. It was only after the infamous Super Bowl E-trade advertisement referring to a baby as “that milkaholic Lindsay,” that the actress knew she no longer needed it.

“So many of the greatest people in showbiz are known by just their first name. Look at Oprah and Beyonce. Now you can add Lindsay to that list,” a family friend tells me. “And it’s a way for them all to start over. No one in the family want anything to do with Lindsay’s father [Michael Lohan] anymore and that includes sharing a last name.”

Sure. Oprah, Beyonce, Lindsay. The one compelling argument for this is to distance herself from her terrible father. Otherwise, as I told Chad Michael Murray, HOLD THE F*CKING PHONE, LOHAN. Yes, Lohan. You. Let’s get everything else squared away, jail/rehab/career-wise, and then maybe, just maybe, we can talk about losing the last name.

World’s Smallest Horse Celebrates Birthday With World’s Tiniest Party Hat

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 10:56 AM PDT

That whistle you felt tickling the small hairs of your inner ear earlier was actually the solitary birthday neigh of Einstein, the World’s Smallest Horse, who is celebrating his one year old birthday. And you know how lil Einstein is planning to celebrate? With the World’s Tiniest Party Hat:

Not tiny enough for you? What about this?

Still not small enough??? Man, you are sick. OK, oooonnnneeeee more….



That’s it!! No more tiny hats.* Or horses.**

*A lie. **Definitely not true.

(via The Daily Mail)

MARCH SADNESS: The Elite Eight (Of Tears)

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 01:31 PM PDT

It’s Round 4 of March Sadness, and we’re down to just EIGHT MOVIES, with some sad-prises and other tragic favorites tear-ing through the competition (like, tears from your eyes. It’s an audio joke. I’ll record a .wav of me saying it and embed that.)

As we wave goodbye to Charlotte’s Web, Philadelphia, E.T., The Lion King, Boys Don’t Cry, Beaches, Precious, and Toy Story 3, here’s the updated bracket:

Voting commences after the jump — as always, the only criteria is "Which movie is sadder?", not "which movie is better." I'll also again point out that we're only voting on the specific movies, not the real-life tragedies within the movies (only inasmuch as it informs the film). Hopefully this causes your brain to be slightly less broken when deciding whether Up was sadder than Hotel Rwanda, a thing I’m sure we’ve all considered many times before.

VOTE FOR THE ELITE EIGHT AFTER THE JUMP:

Steven Seagal Raided A Cock Fighting Ring In A Tank

Posted: 25 Mar 2011 11:16 PM PDT

To clarify, Steven Seagal was in the tank, not the cock fighting ring. Seems that 80′s action stars are all up in our business today! First Sly and Arnie, now Segal. I really hope some Jean Claude Van Damme news comes out later. Anyway. It’s being reported that Segal was riding in a tank that was part of a massive raid of a home in Arizona all to expose…a cockfighting ring. Yes, cockfighting is so not cool, but this Joe Arpaio, Sheriff of Maricopa County, and Segal, star of Lawman (the show which may or may not have been the impetus for this bells ‘n whistles raid), seem to have been a bit over zealous. Here’s the local news report:

In all fairness, those chickens and roosters were actually illegal immigrants.

HuffPo
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