Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Hahahahaha, THIS Guyyyy

Posted: 16 Feb 2011 09:17 AM PST

One of several dogs at the Westminster Dog Show this week:

Just sittin’ how dogs sit and wearin’ what dogs wear! He ran away with the medal for Best Dog Doing That In Show.

(via L.A. Times Blogs)

Justin Bieber Now In The Sex Pistols

Posted: 16 Feb 2011 08:51 AM PST

Here’s the latest Justin Bieber Rolling Stone cover, featuring a newer, edgier, beleathered Biebs:

He’s apparently in the Sex Pistols now? Cool. Dude’s a true triple threat: Singing, Dancing, and Ability To Time Travel. Parents in Manchester, watch out for these guys:

(Also, we can add “How Wall Street’s Crooks Evaded Jail” to one of my favorite lists ever).

Tom Hanks’ Best Role Yet: Thank You Card

Posted: 16 Feb 2011 08:27 AM PST

My friend Lauren sent me this photo saying, “Have you ever seen a better thank you card?” No, Lauren. I have not. I would like one million of these, please, posthaste.

Please send me gifts so that you might receive the best thank you note of all time. I mean, my writing with probably be illegible, perfunctory and most likely insincere, but that doesn’t matter with a card such as this.

Buy here

Capybara Is Really Into Water Pouring On His Head

Posted: 15 Feb 2011 03:26 PM PST

The capybara is the world’s largest rodent. There’s a pretty good chance you knew that already. It’s one of those things a whole lot of people know and like to talk about at terrible parties. “And a banana is technically a berry. And, originally, Peter Sellers was also supposed to play Slim Pickens’ role in Dr. Strangelove.” Ugh, shut up, that guy. Nobody likes your party facts. “Haagen Dazs doesn’t actually mean anything.” Seriously, stop it.

Here is a great fact though. There is one specific capybara who really likes water constantly pouring on his head.

Don’t even talk to this capybara until he’s had his 3 hour long morning shower. “The average shower actually uses less wa –” NO! No more of that. Get out of here.

Thanks, Urlesque.

PARTY LIKE IT’S 1994: Tonya Harding Is Pregnant

Posted: 15 Feb 2011 03:05 PM PST

Tonya Harding is pregnant and expecting a baby boy “any time”. Not sure why this news is all over gossip sites right now, but forget explanations, because it is time to…

CBS Wants You To Give Your Girlfriend A Testicular Cancer Exam For Valentines Day

Posted: 15 Feb 2011 02:23 PM PST

Listen. You should check yourself for testicular cancer. Of course you should do that. Guys, let’s all do that now. If there’s some sort of irregularity, go make yourself an appointment at the doctor.

Now that we have that out of the way, lets laugh at this CBS public service announcement about pawning off a self testicular exam as a gift to your Valentine because, whoa, man, what a mess.

“I think my boys are okay! Happy Valentines Day, Babe.” – Awesome Gift-Giver

Thanks, Videogum.

10 Rejected Titles For The New Spider-Man Movie

Posted: 15 Feb 2011 01:10 PM PST

The next Spider-Man movie has officially been titled “The Amazing Spider-Man.” As curators of the unofficial Ministry of Improving Movie Titles, Noah and I have taken it upon ourselves to offer alternative title suggestions in case The Amazing Spider-Man doesn’t work out, even though no matter what they title it, everyone in the universe is just gonna keep calling it “Spider-Man.”

Here’s our 10 suggestions:

Spider-Man Origins: Spider-Man

Spider-Man 4 No Sh*t 1

Spider-Man: Turn On The Light

(Andrew) Garfield: A Tale Of Two Spideys

The Acceptable Spider-Man

Opposite Of Arachnophobia

The Amazon Spider-Man [So many Kindle product shots]

Just One Of The Spider-Guys

The Spider Who Loved Me (Was Also Hyphen Man)

Spider-Man But This Time It’s Real

Other Spider-Man titles? WEB them in the comments.

Kid Throws Up Like A Very Awesome Throw Up Pro

Posted: 15 Feb 2011 12:18 PM PST

This video has special meaning for me. I, like this kid, am awesome at throwing up. I’ve always had a weak stomach, and, when I was young, I had a whole lot of throw up practice. If I got nervous, I threw up. If I fell down and hurt myself, I threw up. If my brother made me laugh too hard, I threw up.  So, with all that experience, I got used to it. I started to be able to just relax and let it come out. No straining, no heaving. It’s really a sight to see. And you’re about to watch this kid do it perfectly.

This is NSFPWAGOBTU (Not Safe For People Who Are Grossed Out By Throw Up). You know what, let’s just call that NSFMP (Not Safe For Most People).

NICE! Just wait until he starts drinking. If he’s anything like me, he is going to learn some very gross tricks.

And we should talk about the girl next to him. She goes from shock to enjoyment and right back to shock again. She is awesome thing #2 about this video.

Also, I would like to issue a blanket apology for this whole post.

Thanks, The High Definitite.

5 Fake iPhone 5 Rumors

Posted: 15 Feb 2011 11:54 AM PST

The iPhone rumor mill is up and running again. It’s been months since the iPhone 4 came out, so, naturally, people have started writing and re-posting what essentially amounts to iPhone fan fiction. Yesterday, there was a whole to-do about Apple making an iPhone Nano. And then today, people were claiming the next iPhone will actually be bigger. Anything anyone can dream up about a new iPhone gets circulated as real possibility. So why don’t we just make up our own iPhone 5 rumors and see what happens? Some might turn out to be true.

1.) The iPhone 5 Used To Be Paul From The Wonder Years.

Josh Saviano, the guy who played Paul on the hit television show The Wonder Year, went on to get facial reconstructive surgery and had two ribs removed so that he could run multiple applications at a time.

Verdict: True

2.) The iPhone 5 Is A Muslim.

The iPhone 5 was born in Kenya, raised in Indonesia by a Muslim father and attended a madrassa. It also comes pre-installed with a death panel app.

Verdict: True

3.) If You Pour Coke And Pop Rocks On Your iPhone 5, It Ruins Your iPhone 5.

Verdict: True. Right on. Test it yourself!

4.) There Is No iPhone 5; It Is A Massive NASA Hoax.

The iPhone 5 myth was fabricated on a NASA sound stage. Look! You can’t make a phone on the real moon. It’s the moon. We seriously don’t even know what that thing is. How’d it get there? Can you explain it to me? Who put it there?

Verdict: True

5.) You can see the iPhone 5 Standing In The Window In A Scene From Three Men And A Baby.

During the editing of the movie, the makers of Three Men And A Baby noticed that they had captured on film a future iPhone 5 in the background. It is the first documented case of an iPhone 5 showing up in a Ted Danson movie.

Verdict: True

20 Crazy Spoilers From The Friday Night Lights Series Finale

Posted: 15 Feb 2011 01:42 PM PST

If you don’t have DirecTV and haven’t had a chance to catch the final season of Friday Night Lights yet (suckaaaaazzz!!!!! Sorry, that slips out sometimes when I am intentionally bragging), here are 20 Shocking Things That Happen In The FNL Series Finale. Brace yourself for some HUGE, TRUE SPOILERS:

1. Jason Street goes back to Mexico and gets the shark injection and it works. He returns to found the Street Sharks.

2. Vince’s Dad joins Landry’s band and is alright at bass.

3. The Lions win State comfortably, mostly running out the clock in the fourth quarter of a 17-point victory.

4. Tyra was Bruce Willis the whole time.

5. Becky wins “USA Hero,” an American Idol ripoff, and Randy Jackson joins the series for a 37-episode cameo even though it’s over.

6. Luke finally accepts an offer to play for the University of Phoenix.

7. Saracen’s mom keeps running back and forth between her Dillon house and her restaurant in Treme and accidentally shows up in her Mrs. Doubtfire costume.

8. Buddy Jr. does so much important stuff.

9. Buddy Sr. announces that the Dillon “Superteam” will actually consist of East and West Dillon players’ best body parts Frankensteined together, and also some super heroes.

11. Vince opens a locker and the skeleton of Santiago falls out.

12. Coach Taylor says “I apologize.”

13. Julie starts stripping at The Landing Strip and when Tami finds out there’s a record scratch and she goes “Aw…helllll no.”

14. Smash shows up. He’s like, “Hey.”

15. That apocalypse that’s always happening behind the characters at the end of the Season 5 promos happens.

16. Lyla is in The Roommate.

17. Saracen’s Grandma super f***ing dies.

18. In a 25-minute single-shot scene, Joe McCoy and Coach Taylor finally share a smoothie.

19. Michael B. Jordan drops the “B” and the rest is history.

20. Billy Riggins comes home with buckets of chemicals to make crystal meth. Tim shrugs into the camera and says “Heeeeere we go again!” Freeze frame, end of series. “Lights go the Friday cause the Friday goes LIGHTS” rap song plays over credits.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Keeps Getting Closer To Porn Without Being Porn

Posted: 15 Feb 2011 09:43 AM PST

I’ve made fun of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue before, mostly because its continued existence and promotion in a world where anyone can instantly watch endless free pornography by blinking confamuses me (confused-amusement), but in continued defiance of the existence of the internet, SI rolled out their 2011 Swimsuit Issue this week.

Notice, however, that the SI Swimsuit Issue gets a liiiiiitle closer to being pornography every year without ever actually getting there. Here’s this year’s cover model, Irina Shayk:

“Alllllmost there…” – Guy From Star Wars

It’s almost as if SI acknowledges that their pics can no longer compete in a netscape awash with instaporn, and continue to keep making their magazine closer and closer to just being porn, but also realize they can’t actually ever just make their magazine porn, cause then it’d just be porn.

This SI Porn Conundrum can be visually represented in the following asymptotic porn-graph:

Closer and closer but never quiiiiiite touching the porn. Maybe someday, if they ever put out an imaginary issue.

(via SI.com. The Graph, I mean, not the swimsuit pic.)
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