Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

TRAILER MIX: Cars 2 Offers Another Break From Impossible Pixar Greatness

Posted: 08 Mar 2011 09:25 AM PST

Pixar fans, prepare to amend your token disclaimer from “…except for Cars” to “…except for the Cars movies.”

I realize that’s probably not fair, as Cars 2 is still in trailer form, and I don’t mean to imply that Cars is some awful movie, especially when kids really do frickin’ love it (my five year old insists on getting a Lightning McQueen birthday cake every year but I think it’s to piss me off and I don’t actually have a kid). Cars 2 just looks like what the first one was — an alright actiony-type harmless spectacle for kids with the occasional ignorable Larry The Cable Guy one-liner. Fine, just not in WALL-E’s galaxy:

It certainly looks impressive — kind of like the Speed Racer movie with more car-bidet jokes — but by Pixar’s impossible standard, the Cars films just aren’t really in the discussion. They seem content to trade ambition for thoughtless watchablility, which isn’t inherently wrong — it’s not like every kids’ movie has to leave us spouting tears about our own flimsy mortality ten minutes into the damn movie — but when Pixar has so many other films that are that ambitious and still turn out to be incredibly watchable, funny, and impressive-looking, it’s hard to draw a comparison.

That Jennifer Aniston Viral Video Is What Your Parents Would Make If They Ran The Internet

Posted: 08 Mar 2011 07:49 AM PST

Yesterday, the entire internet posted the kinda-hyped “Jennifer Aniston Sex Tape,” which was not a sex tape but, in fact, a video of Aniston deliberately attempting viral trends in a lengthy commercial for Smart Water. I was completely fooled – I thought Smart Water had literally filmed a Jennifer Aniston sex tape and was like “we don’t usually do this because we’re a water company and we’re not sure if this is legal but here is moving image of actress Jennifer Aniston having sexual intercourse. Smart Water – the Smartest Water in the waterfall!

The video features Aniston and a team of nerdy viral marketing characters attempting various internet hallmarks, including puppies, CGI’d dancing babies, and a Double Rainbow Guy facsimile. Ultimately, it’s not terrible, but the whole thing is so selfconscious and lame in the way that every time a company tries to do something radical dot com it ends up just reaffirming its own parentlike vague understanding of what the kidz are into these days. Skateboards and innanet, what I always says!

Half the people on the internet have no idea what the Double Rainbow Guy is, and this half likely won’t see the Aniston video for another 6 weeks or ever (this is the same half that can’t reset MSN.com as its homepage). The other half saw the Aniston video seconds after it showed up online (AskJeeves posted it first, uhhhgain), and these web savvy people all know that Double Rainbow Guy happened eight months ago, an eternity in internet dog years.

Basically, it’s a commercial very deliberately trying to manufacture something “cool,” and in the process just seeming even more commercially than commercials that are just like “Sup. I’m a commercial.” Ironically, the entire internet did end up posting the video, and it’s on its way to 1 million views, but I don’t interpret this as any sort of endorsement of its hilarity or creativity beyond just “It’s the internet news cycle, Charlie Sheen stuff’s dying down, here’s a video with a celebrity that’ll take 3 calories of effort to throw online and everyone is obligatorily talking about it, so I guess we have to do this.” It’s my job to have that exact line of thinking.

I don’t feel like posting the video, but if you somehow haven’t seen it and want to, take .001 seconds and Google it and be like “Jennifer Aniston and babies. This sure is some illusion of movement.” Next up: Evolution Of Ronald McDonald’s Dance. The previous sentence just got 400,000 obligatory, half-assed views.

Happy Fat Tuesday! Let’s Watch Prince William and Kate Middleton Flip Pancakes

Posted: 08 Mar 2011 07:23 AM PST

It’s Fat Tuesday, which means that it’s the last day of Mardi Gras or Carnival or whatever personal Bacchanalian parade you have going on. So get after it! Like I need to tell you that. Because tomorrow you’re going to go on a thirty day juice cleanse and run ten miles a day. Right? Right. So from what I can glean, today people in the UK eat pancakes. Pancakes=Fat Tuesday there. Pancakes=Every Day here, but we long ago outstripped the British in just about everything except our Cheryl Coles. Since pancakes are nationally observed there today, Prince William and Kate Middleton got in on the action in Belfast, flipping some pancakes.

I find them fascinating. I just want to hear them talk. This is probably how my mom felt about Charles and Di. I want to eat pancakes off of their commemorative wedding plate. This one:

Presenting The Ultimate Celebrity Apprentice Gary Busey GIF Wall

Posted: 07 Mar 2011 02:28 PM PST

Did you watch Celebrity Apprentice last night? No? Big mistake. Huge. Huge mistake. Because this season is already one of the most entertaining thing to ever air on television. EVER! First of all, you’ve got the roided up rage of Jose Conseco, the sliminess of worst man alive Richard Hatch, LIL JON, and our three most favorited plastic surgerized African-American woman, LaToya Jackson, Star Jones and NeNe Leakes.

But no one, not a one, will ever top the presence of the great Gary Busey, who wasted approx. .00132 milliseconds before launching into full blown Buseyness. It was nothing short of brilliant performance art meets Charlie Manson’s daydreams. The challenge last night asked each team to bake and sell pizzas. And Busey named himself the “Pepperoni Prophet” (also my favorite Sicilian porn star). It’s actually impossible to say any more, and hence, we will link you to the full episode on Hulu. What we will say is we hope Richard Hatch dies a slow and painfully thin-lipped death.

But enough wishing of the ill wills! Let us focus on joyous occasions. Such as Gary Busey’s various mental breakdowns.

Presenting The Ultimate Celebrity Apprentice Gary Busey GIF Wall.

Leave your hate mail for Richard Hatch in the comments.

(GIFs courtesy of Lauren Deiman!)

COMING SOON: The Fedora Guys

Posted: 07 Mar 2011 02:10 PM PST

Following the relatively successful opening weekends of Liam Neeson’s Unknown and Matt Damon’s The Adjustment Bureau during rough movie-releasing months, Hollywood has pinpointed a successful formula for nondescript post-Oscar-season winter-month thrillers.

Here’s the poster for Hollywood’s inevitable follow-up:

Confirmed: Cyndi Lauper Is The Best, Sings “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” At Airport

Posted: 07 Mar 2011 01:36 PM PST

We’ve all been there: Stranded at the airport, forced to eat over-priced, non-delicious airport sandwiches. Compelled by alcoholism boredom to drink sub par, $13 Bloody Mary’s. (Except you, Newark Airport International Departures bar. You’re great. Never change.) Sometimes we’re in Salt Lake City where the alcohol content in beer is less than .002 percent. Fact. And we are STUCK. The power that the airport wields over us is incredible. We try to sneak into the fancy peoples private clubs where they sauna and eat petit fours and sip Chablis, only to be tased when we cross the threshold.* Most of us just try to make it through without strangling the dude next to us who breathes weird. Not all of us are lucky enough to be stranded in the Buenos Aires airport with one CYNDI LAUPER, who decides to take matters into her own hands and serenade us all with one of the best songs EVER:

What a treasure. An American treasure. She’s STILL GOT IT. I guess she sang two songs. Hope the other one was from The Goonies.

*Slight exaggeration.

UK Metro

Charlie Sheen Forced To Share Parking With Emilio Estevez

Posted: 07 Mar 2011 12:56 PM PST

This is a parking spot spotted at the Warner Brothers Studios. It is, simply, poetic:

One of two things is happening here. Either:

1. Charlie Sheen and brother Emilio Estevez are forced to share a parking spot. Convenient especially now for Emeel, as Charlie has been banned from the lot. Looks like someone’s Mini Cooper will be sittin’ pretty during the shooting of Mighty Ducks 5. (Nothing in that last sentence is factually correct.)

OR

2. This is all payback for Charlie’s “Chaim Levine” moment, and from now on Charlie will be referred to by his birth name… Carlos Irwin Estevez.

Either way, the spot has been empty for days. #LOSING Just when I saw I’m over Charlie Sheen, someone throws Emilio Estevez into the mix and I’m back. I’m so back. He’s one in Emilion.

(via my pal Ben over at B-Side Blog)

B-FLO vs. J-LO: Whose “On The Floor” Reigns Supreme?

Posted: 07 Mar 2011 11:52 AM PST

Jennifer Lopez is experiencing a bona fide career resurgence, what with her becoming America’s Latina Cougar Sweetheart© on American Idol, and having a #1 hit song on Itunes with “On The Floor.” Her song is good. It’s real good.

But issss it as goodddd as this song by the same name sung by the hottest Mormon in indie rock, Brandon Flowers? This is the question we pose to you now. It’s a tough one, unless you are a person with eyes, ears, and an opinion, in which case it should be fairly simple.

So which is it?

Plane Delayed Three Hours Because Of Clogged First-Class Toilet

Posted: 07 Mar 2011 11:44 AM PST

Move over standard boring airline stories, because the bar for complaining about airplane delays just got raised to embarrassing infinity:

A Continental Airlines flight to Houston from Pittsburgh International Airport was delayed by nearly three hours this morning because of a clogged toilet and the lack of a plunger, a passenger said.

…Passengers had boarded for a scheduled 8:15 a.m. departure but were told the jet could not leave because of “problems with the first-class lavatory.” The crew later elaborated that it was a backed-up toilet and said no plunger could be found in the airport, so someone had to be sent off the grounds to buy one…

“How in the world can you have hundreds of toilets in an airport and no plunger?” he asked.

Oh man – it’s embarrassing enough to clog up a toilet in your own home, let alone a public place, let alone a public place where a hundred people’s lives are directly affected by your voluminous sh*t. I suppose the red-faced sh*tter could reply “Why can’t the plane take off when one of the bathrooms is clogged?”, but the other angry passengers would be like “You tell US, Professor Sh*tty Sh*tterson!” and it really wouldn’t have gotten anyone anywhere.

The first-class passenger has since apologized:

Kids React To YouTube Stars: Sadism Towards Apples, Love Of Squeaky Voices

Posted: 07 Mar 2011 11:11 AM PST

Here’s another episode in The Fine Brothers series, Kids React To Viral Videos. However, this time around they’re reacting to YouTube Stars. As an iCarly enthusiast, I recognize this first YouTube star, Fred, who was featured on an episode of iCarly. I realize the main difference between myself and children, other than height, age and pants size, is that I have no tolerance for Fred. To the majority of children, apparently, Fred is a genius.

Which kid do you identify with? I like the little dude who doesn’t understand Fred. I’m totally with you, bro. I also like it when the red headed twins get into a fight. Also, glad I’m not an anthropomorphized apple, otherwise these kids would gleefully laugh and laugh upon my brutal end.

EWAN MCGREGOR’S NEW LOOK: Love It Or Haaaated Itttt?

Posted: 07 Mar 2011 11:08 AM PST

Few actors have remained on my most effable list for as long as Scottish actor Ewan McGregor. From all the way back to a time when I was 15 and hanging Trainspotting posters on my wall (yes, even the one with him crawling out of the toilet), to his Obi-Wan Kenobi era, and even to more recent works like Cassandra’s Dream, Ewan has been a faithful addition to my “Life That Will Never Be Mine” fantasies.

AND YET. This new haircut. Hmm. It’s hip, certainly. The short sides, the “long on top.” And yet, I’m just not sure how I feel about it. So I ask you: Ewan McGreggies new hair… love it or haaated it? I think my answer at this point should be clear.

(Ewan, call me.)

[Photo: Splash]

In Defense Of The Liquor Store Rampage Lady

Posted: 07 Mar 2011 10:05 AM PST

By now, you’ve most likely seen the following video of a woman going nuts in a liquor store and trashing the shelves on her way out. It’s a minor first step in the Internet’s Post-Charlie-Sheen Let’s Pay Attention To Other Things Civil War Reconstruction Era:

Everyone superhighway-wide has rushed to make fun of this lady for her viral insanity (Weird Al Jamiroquai song?), and as you’d expect, all the Youtube comments are “let us discuss this lady’s questionable actions rationally and without resorting to any form of random internet commenter racism,” but there’s a very small, specific part of me that sympathizes with her.

Here’s why:

When I was little, I really only had one dream in the world — well, I also dreamed of being an astronaut, but once freeze-dried ice cream became readily available in science center gift shops, this dream was quickly moot — but for the most part, I only had one dream: To go on a Nickelodeon Super Toy Run.

The Super Toy Run was an annual sweepstakes held by Nickelodeon where the winning kids earned a 5-minute “Toy Run,” where they could sprint around a vacant Toys R Us throwing as many toys as they could into their carts, and they’d take home whatever they managed to grab in a 5-minute span. It was essentially an exact, real-life crystallization of an eight-year-old boy’s fantasy, and I probably wanted to go on a toy run at age 8 more then than I have ever wanted anything in my life ever since.

I was never chosen for this contest, even though it was the only contest I ever actually mailed the necessary stuff in for (remember how deflated you’d get when you saw an ad for a really cool toy in a cereal box then you found out it wasn’t actually in the cereal box, you had to send away for it? NEVER MIND – no time for that, got Transformers to bury, is what you’d say). Still, I am positive that a very strong synapse somewhere in the recesses of my reptilian brain still harbors the impulse to run through a store throwing stuff off the shelves without consequence, but I’ve never had the opportunity or the guts to indulge in this fantasy, so it’s just been lingering there, festering for decades.

I’m thinking the lady in this liquor store video probably also at one point really wanted to go on a Nickelodeon Toy Run but never had the chance, and her desire to throw stuff off shelves has just been seething in her subconscious ever since. The liquor store person said some policy thing she didn’t like, she recognized the opportunity to knock over easily-reachable glass bottles, and that set her over the edge — granted, she didn’t just take the bottles, which would’ve been closer to an actual toy run, but she still indulged in the animalistic glee of throwing items off shelves on a whim.

Who among us can honestly say that what this lady does in the video doesn’t seem like incredibly satisfying fun? If a small part of you still doesn’t side with her, then get down off that free high horse you grabbed on your Nickelodeon Toy Run and share some toys with the rest of us.

Jude Law Gets A Brazilian At Carnival

Posted: 07 Mar 2011 11:12 AM PST

This is Jude Law at the Rio de Janeiro Carnival parade. He’s kissing Hebe Camargo, who Splash News describes as “a Brazilian TV icon known for being very friendly with other stars.” Sign me up to be a Brazilian TV icon, please. I think that was on a list of career options in high school. Never too late.

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