Thursday, March 10, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Julia Roberts Fans Better Step Up Their Game: Man Has 82 Tattoos Of Julia Roberts’ Face

Posted: 10 Mar 2011 07:39 AM PST

Reports UK Metro

Miljenko Parserisas Bukovic, a 56-year-old newspaper seller from Mexico, revealed his inked artwork in a photo shoot in Valparaiso city. He has so far spent a million Mexican pesos (just over £51,000) for the 82 tattoos. The newspaper vendor’s obsession with tattoos of Roberts started after he watched her in Erin Brockovich.

There are several perks to being one of the most (the most?) famous movie stars in the world. You’re fabulously wealthy, you’re friends with Tom Hanks and you got to be in the “Big mistake, HUGE” scene in Pretty Woman. And, of course, there’s the adulation. That must be nice. Until some dude tattoos your face 82 times and counting on his body. That could maybe freak someone out. Specifically, Julia Roberts. He’s like The Illustrated Man, except instead of cool Ray Bradbury stories, at night his body comes alive with Julia Roberts films. That is some hit or miss viewing. Anyway, I applaud anyone who commits to anything, but one million pesos is so many pesos and 82 tattoos is so many tattoos in and of itself. I only have, like, five tattoos of Tim Curry’s face on my body.

PRESENTING: The Ultimate GILF GIF Wall

Posted: 09 Mar 2011 03:06 PM PST

Perhaps you missed this viral vid from merely a few days ago, which featured various employed construction grannies lip-synching along to Benny Benassi’s “Satisfaction.” The video was sponsored by EqualPayday.be, a Belgian website aimed towards closing the wage gap between men and women. It’s a pretty rad concept, with the tag line being “Grannies Grinding For Equal Pay.” (You can read their missive here.)

And grinding they are. Because while watching the video is in a way quite liberating, it is also faiiiirly disturbing, give or take how comfortable you are with granny porn. Something tells me y’all are 110 percent comfortable with it, and so, please enjoy this veritable MOMA-worthy work of art: The Ultimate GILF GIF Wall.

With maje kudos to Lauren Deiman for making this GIF wall a reality. 4 Bonivas for you, Lolo.

ALERT: Someone Has Stolen Shaq’s Shoe

Posted: 09 Mar 2011 02:18 PM PST

I really really really hope this guy drives Shaq’s shoe back to Shaq’s house.

For those interested in purchasing their own Shaq’s Shoe Car, some info via Splash:

Drivers can really put their foot down driving this electric “shoe car”. The car was designed by a major Chinese shoe-making company, which invited workers to take it for a spin. The shoe car is three meters long and is made from 200ft of of bull leather. It has a top speed of 30km/h and can carry two people. The battery-powered car can run for up to 400km on one charge. A spokesman for the Ao Kang company in Wenzhou, Zhejiang Province, said the car cost around $6,500 (USD) to make. The company is planning to make 40 shoe cars for its large chain stores around China.

$6,500 FOR A GIANT SHOE CAR? THAT’S IT???? Seriously if I saw this thing zooming past me on the highway at 19 MPH I would likely drive off the side of the road and into a ravine, and my death certificate would say “Death caused by purest form of laughter ever derived from human soul.”

The Spider-Man Musical Tried To Hire Aaron Sorkin?

Posted: 09 Mar 2011 01:02 PM PST

The having many many problems Spider-Man musical just fired director Julie Taymor and is about to go on a 4-6 week hiatus, its 6th delay in the last two years, and also it literally exploded and 4,000 stunt doubles were killed.

In other less expected news, the troubled production — which is currently nine billion Spideybucks over budget (they switched to made-up money when they ran out of actual dollars seven months ago) — also allegedly tried to hire Aaron Sorkin to fix it:

I also hear the producers approached Aaron Sorkin, who won the screenwriting Oscar for “The Social Network,” about lending his name to the production. He wouldn’t have to write much — the producers were going to hire a team of comic-book writers to do that — but he has such cachet that if he were associated with the show, critics would have to give it a second look.

Sorkin, who’s not exactly short of a buck, was amused, but passed.

Sorkin added, “I’m flattered but I told you, I can’t write dead stunt doubles back to life. If you’d like Spider-Man and MJ to have an unreasonably fast discussion that displays wit beyond their means and situation, then give me a ca–AHHHHH!!!”

Sorkin then fell 35 feet from the flimsy scaffolding on which this meeting was conducted, suffering major bruises. The 6-week production hiatus has since been delayed.

The Scooter Dogs Have Become Self-Aware

Posted: 09 Mar 2011 12:55 PM PST

Leave it to a dog in the great state of Georgia to learn how to do this:

This is Norman, a future Nobel prize winner for “Biggest Dog Brain.” And these photos, at least for me personally, prove that evolution is a FACT. That 1,000 years from now, dogs will be sh*tting the sidewalk while going 10 MPH on self-driven motorized scooters. My gggggggg40-children are some super lucky robo-kids.

Ahead, vid and GIF footage!

Every time I look at this photo, I’m convinced it’s a still from The Exorcist:

That, or the same little person who once played ALF has been hired for a brand-new, super great gig!!

OMG, it’s gonna be soooo cuuuuute when he sprains his little dog hip!

But seriously folks, this is obviously a Russian bear who has escaped from the circus in Moscow and is confused by his new Southern suburban settings. Look at that face. That ain’t no dog!



Bonus GIF:

[Photos: WENN]

Here’s vid:

These Mad Men Make An Excellent Case For Train Travel

Posted: 09 Mar 2011 12:54 PM PST

Whilst watching this, I felt similarly to how I feel when I ride a train: comfortable, sleepy, slightly drunk. I do love trains. I do! There’s something old-timey and relaxing about them. You watch the landscape pass, you can drink wine (or beer if you’re heading into The City to that DMB concert at MSG-high five, brah!) and sometimes they sell peanut M&M’s. They’re only annoying when there’s a teenager on his iPad device playing a video contest too loudly or it’s Thanksgiving and you’re just praying that you get a seat/don’t run into your arch nemesis/nemesi from high school. Other than that, I prefer the train over all over forms of public transport and sometimes more than a car. Exactly what these Mad Mens are saying:

Best line/delivery:
“Have you ever driven a car? They’re not that complicated.”
“They look complicated.”
“Well they’re not.”

Trains!

Funny Or Die

Dear Richest Dog In South Dakota: Marry Me

Posted: 09 Mar 2011 12:00 PM PST

Stephen Colbert had a challenge for the writer’s at The Daily: Find the richest dog in South Dakota. A state perhaps known more for Norm Van Brocklin than anything else. (What’s that? You don’t know who he is? And neither do I? Indeed.)

And they found her. This is Miss Charlie Brown. She’s an English cocker spaniel and worth about $130 million. OK, her owners are, but still. Look at that face!! Sewww waspy. You know this dog never talks about money and loves a few 900 bottles of wine. I mean, please, read how this dog luxuriates:

The Daily even snapped some envy-inducing pictures at the Everists' sprawling vacation home in Naples, as Miss Charlie luxuriated in a bubble bath sprinkled with rose petals, sunned herself by her screened-in pool, padded along Bonita Beach and rode on a 29-foot Hinckley motorboat, an American flag whipping in the wind.

Oh, it is gonna be so funny when this dog decides to move to New York and get a job as a fast food worker and has to pretend to be poor with her servant in order to land a dog queen! — Tagline to the Coming to America sequel.

Thus ending this blog post, titled “Why the f*ck are there dogs out there swimming around in bubble baths underneath American flags when I can’t even buy myself a used Mercury Milan*”

*Long story.

Looking For More Diverse Friends? Check Out Raceharmony.com!

Posted: 09 Mar 2011 02:13 PM PST

Raceharmony.com is a new friend making website launched by Johnny Walker (no relation*) and Pedro Hernandez. It’s aimed at helping people of different races befriend each other. Like eHarmony but for friends. Who don’t look like you. They also have several different shows in production, including this one, called Goldfish Swap. What happens when a family from the suburbs and a family from the inner city swap goldfishes???

It is, of course, a joke. All of it. So peruse the site, have a laugh, then think about the issue of race in America and then stop laughing and then watch Goldfish Swap again and be like, “Wait, is that racist-am I racist-sh*t, I need a more diverse set of friends who can tell me these things” and get OUT there! White people will be at the country club/Tea Party rallies, black people will be in the inner city/White House, Asians will be in the laundromats/The Black Eyed Peas and Latinos will be at the bodegas/judging American Idol, just to give you a running start. OH NO WAS THAT RACIST????

*Actually, he’s my brother. Nepotism. Deal with it. Clearly I’m drunk with the power of being a part time blogger.

Dances With WHAAA?: You Won’t Believe What Kevin Costner Is Up To These Days

Posted: 09 Mar 2011 11:12 AM PST

“Hey, what’s Kevin Costner up to these days?” Glad you asked, Made Up Voice That Asks Questions No One Has Even Begun To Conceive Of Asking Even Accidentally (also, your name is too long).

Why, Kevin Costner is currently in the middle of two ridiculous lawsuits, both of which sound too specifically absurd to be real and not lawsuits you’d make up if you were making up fake absurd Kevin Costner lawsuits for some reason.

AMAZING LAWSUIT #1:

In December, the actor was sued by Stephen Baldwin and a business associate named Spyridon Contogouris, who claimed they were tricked into selling shares of a company that marketed a technology that separated oil from water…

Costner allegedly expressed “incessant complaints” about being undercompensated for his involvement in OTS, and told Contogouris, “There’s no business without me, Kevin Costner.”

Whoa whoa wait…let’s take a second to let this sink in:

So Kevin Costner is currently in a legal battle with STEPHEN BALDWIN and “Spyridon Contogouris” — a villain from a Tintin story — for allegedly convincing them to sell their shares in a company that develops oil separating technology, and at one point actually declared “There’s no business without me, Kevin Costner”? If you presented this situation to a room of Family Guy writers, they’d be like “Nahh, too random and absurd, we usually try to stick to some form of logic – can we put a gay Otto Von Bismarck inside Mannequin 2 instead?”

I also didn’t realize that Kevin Costner and I both end our arguments the same way — by declaring that there’s no business without Kevin Costner. Costner’s other legal battle is EVEN WEIRDER:

AMAZING LAWSUIT #2:

This isn’t Costner’s only legal battle at the moment.

He’s also fighting a South Dakota artist named Peggy Detmers, who has gone to court to reclaim the “Lakota Bison Jump” a collection of 125-percent-life-scale bronze sculptures showing 14 bison and three Native American hunters on horseback. The sculptures were commissioned by Costner in the early 1990s for a proposed resort, The Dunbar, which was never built despite Costner having spent $20 million on it. Detmers got a $350,000 artist’s fee for her work but says that the sculptures are worth $4 million.

Wow. I want to commission a 125-percent-life-scale bronze sculpture of that paragraph for my own ranch that I’ve been building since 1990.

John Dunbar, for the record, was Costner’s character’s name in Dances With Wolves. Also, the message of Dances With Wolves was “help raise enough money for the director and star of this film that sympathizes with the plight of Native Americans in the face of U.S. expansion to build a $20 million ranch with million-dollar bronze sculptures based on the lost culture inside the film.” Seven Oscar wins for that movie.

So, now you’re up to date on Kevin Costner — he’s currently in two simultaneous legal battles, one with Stephen Baldwin over oil separator technology, and one with an artist who built 14 bronze statues of bison 20 years ago. But you gotta give the man credit – he’s still never done a sequel. And it definitely isn’t because no one’s ever tried to make a sequel out of a Kevin Costner movie — 3001 Miles To Graceland definitely came-a-callin’.

NOTE TO SELF: Finish Haircut Before Arrest

Posted: 09 Mar 2011 11:46 AM PST

Many years ago, when I was maybe 13 or 14, I decided to give myself a bob not unlike the one sported by Catherine Zeta-Jones in Chicago. I grabbed the scissors, stood in front of my mirror, and began my precision cut. Being right-handed, I tackled the left side of my head first, snipping with the elegance and grace of a Vidal Sassoon nearly 3 times my age. An hour later, half of my haircut was complete. It was… Perfect. Chin-length, not a hair out of place, razor-sharp and quite flattering. I smirked the teenaged smirk of a million disasters about to happen, and began snipping the hairs on the other side of my head. The first gigantic lock floated into the sink like so many Forrest Gump feathers. And then I looked in the mirror. To discover that I had cut it about an inch shorter than the side of my head I had just spent an hour on.

And so, I conceded defeat. Placing my scissors delicately on the vanity, I inhaled deeply, and gingerly began that long, solemn march to the living room to show the parental unit my misdeeds. Allow me to paint the pic: Half my hair was short, half was pretty long, and one chunk of bang was hitting at earlobe level. They were… what’s that French word? Horrified. Needless to type, it was one of the more humiliating Supercuts waiting room experiences of my lifetime.

But little did I know then what I know today: Thank God I didn’t cut a bitch and get arrested that day. Like this guy –

David Davis was arrested mid-haircut after grabbing a pair of scissors and stabbing another man in the back at the barbershop. The victim is fine, Davis is being held on $5,000, and the world was given the delightful gift of his extremely modern and daring hairdo. Dare I say I kind of love it? Give it 3 years before every assh*le in Williamsburg is sporting this exact same look.

[Photo: Splash]
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