Friday, March 11, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Jon Cryer Responds To Charlie Sheen, Admits He’s A Troll

Posted: 11 Mar 2011 09:12 AM PST

As the internet sorts through the frozen stardust left behind from the tail end of the Charlie Sheen webpocalypse, we can all agree that one voice has been notably absent throughout this entire affair: That of Sheen’s fellow whole man and purported “troll” Jon Cryer.

Last night, Cryer appeared on Conan to respond to Sheen’s allegation that he’s a troll, finally bringing some sanity to this tired situation by soberly setting the record straight. This took a lot of courage, but it had to be done:

I love the audience’s reaction to Troll Helen Mirren, as though that one’s somehow any more real and insulting than the rest of this obviously frivolous rant. “Randomly Photoshop Paul Giamatti all you want, Conan, but lay off The Queen!”

Did Humans Have To Die For Us To Learn That Snickers & Peanut Butter Would Taste Good?

Posted: 11 Mar 2011 07:20 AM PST

This commercial for Snickers Peanut Butter Squared has been running since the Super Bowl, but I never really gave it a second thought after an initial “that was amusing and harmless, and I love Snickers and peanut butter and sharks. Well done, chap.” (I assume all ads were made by an adorable 19th century bootblack.)

I was watching the commercial again yesterday, however, and for some reason (and no, that reason wasn’t “drugs”), I suddenly realized that this commercial is, beneath the glossy “wacky ad” surface, just a tad sadistic. Watch it again, imagining that the humans involved have families:

IT’S PEOPLEEEEEE!!!! Snickers Peanut Butter Squared is made [with the help of eating] people!

But here’s the part of the commercial I find especially disturbing:

The person in charge of this focus group is a HUMAN. In a way, I could follow the logic if this is a world where sharks are in charge of everything and it’s some focus group of sharks being pitched by advertising executive sharks and humans are just meaningless pawns in their cutthroat shark business culture, but that’s not the case; this is a human female dispassionately sanctioning the organized murder of other fellow humans so that a company can learn that a certain candy combination tastes good.

Have you no decency, mass-murdering focus group lady??

AND FOR WHAT? Did we really need to slaughter an array of unfortunate, oblivious, innocent humans just to confirm that Snickers and Peanut Butter would taste good together? Who wouldn’t IMMEDIATELY assume that? You didn’t even need any focus group to begin with, let alone a focus group with giant insatiable maneating sharks. This was a highly questionable marketing decision on multiple levels.

My point, Snickers, is that this tragedy could have been avoided. You could’ve just put Snickers Peanut Butter Squared on shelves and we would’ve been like “oh awesome, that” and eaten it. It’s that simple. Everyone likes Snickers, everyone likes peanut butter, and everyone can imagine what they taste like together. You didn’t have to expose yourself to tragic shark-related class-action wrongful death lawsuits to make this happen.

Walk The Entire Appalachian Trail In 4 Minutes

Posted: 10 Mar 2011 02:51 PM PST

Have you ever wanted to walk the intimidating Appalachian Trail, but you only have a spare 4 minutes and don’t feel like walking 2181 miles or moving or doing anything at all and not really walking it but this video’s cool? Great! I figured as much, since, you know, the internet and all.

Actually, for us nettin’ types, having the patience to sit and watch a FOUR MINUTE internet video is equally or more impressive than one of those active “Look at me I’m BEAR GRYLLS SUPERMAN over here!” types actually hiking the trail. But thanks for hiking the trail and taking pictures of every day and making this video, guy who did this! I was gonna hike the trail but now don’t have to:

Green Tunnel from Kevin Gallagher on Vimeo.

(via Deadspin)

REMIX: Who Am I? Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg

Posted: 10 Mar 2011 01:45 PM PST

Former senator Alan Simpson called Snoop Dogg “Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog” on Fox News this week, and the clip ended up all over the internet and in our hearts and minds and molecules of laughter spilling back out of us.

As we learned in Internetting 101: Introduction To This Thoughtless Sprawling Wasteland That Consumes Most Of Our Lives, that means it’s time for a REEEEEMIXXXXX — please enjoy this Snoop Dogg feat. Alan Simpson rendition of “Who Am I (What’s My Name)?”

Someone had to do it, so thank the guiding hand of Pete Schultz for taking it upon himself and not just driving past the broken-down car on the side of the superhighway (that broken down car was us waiting for this remix to happen. Or something. The analogy kind of works if you squint super hard and can’t see anything.)

Can’t wait for the soon-to-be-Grammy-nominated followup featuring Simpson and Enema Man.

Feeling Extra Murder-y? Watch 36 Deaths From Alfred Hitchcock Films Happen Simultaneously

Posted: 10 Mar 2011 12:57 PM PST

Here is a video of 36 deaths in Alfred Hitchcock films. Playing at the same time. To quote Col. Mustard in 1985′s seminal film, Clue, “It’s what we call overkill.”

This is the first time I’ve ever felt that a video should not be on the Internet, but rather playing in a cool art gallery somewhere. However, as much as I would like to watch this projected on a huge white wall, while wearing all black, sipping white wine out of a plastic cup, here I am, watching it on my computer, still in my pajamas, eating tortilla chips out of a bag. Just kidding. They’re pita chips.

NY Mag

Here’s A Bucket Of Semen Joke Just Waiting To Be Made

Posted: 10 Mar 2011 12:44 PM PST

Sarah Jessica Parker encounters some local Boston wind (mmhmm). This is exacccctly what she looked like when she stumbled upon Matthew Broderick’s old-timey gay porn collection. (Presumably.)

In fact, she’s in Boston filming her upcoming movie documenting the struggles of a Chechnyan rebel wife and mother called I Don’t Know How She Does It.* That scene where all the villagers sing and dance around to “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now” is gonna be hiiilaaareeeeuuuh.

*I think that’s what it’s about.

One more spunky pic ahead!

[Photos:Splash]

“Ventriloquism For Dummies” Starring Justin Bieber

Posted: 10 Mar 2011 12:03 PM PST

I believe it was this morning on Facebook that I was discussing American Idol with my internet friend and AV Club Idol expert Claire Zulkey. We began discussing the fall of Jacob Lusk, my once favorite, who took a turn for the laughably bad last night with his cover of “I Believe I Can Fly.” And then the convo turned over to Scotty McCreery, the country singer who shocked scientists everywhere after announcing that his vocal chords were located deep inside his testicular sack. Also mentioned: His uncanny resemblance to a ventriloquist dummy, my #1 childhood fear. Zulkey, kind as she is, then linked me to this video, called “Horror Movie Dolls.” In turn, my day was ruined.

But creaky-wooden-jaws speaking of Ventriloquism, we came across this brillzzz video combining dummies and our other biggest fear: Justin Bieber. It’s impossible to describe without watching, so do yourself a favor, and watch it with the volume way way way way up.

BABY! – watch more funny videos

(With thanks to the NNN Blog!)

TOP CHEF ALL-STARS FINALE RECAP: Fit For A Dude In A King Hat

Posted: 10 Mar 2011 11:40 AM PST

It’s the Top Chef All-Stars Finale, “Fit For A King!!!” Well, Part 1 of the finale, and only one of the five remaining chefs is getting eliminated, and three of the best chefs have already been eliminated, so really it’s just a regular episode with more tropical B-Roll.

Let’s welcome back Antonia, Mike, Carla, Tiffany, and OH NO IT’S RICHARD’S EVIL GOATEE SPOCK TWIN:

Keep that guy away from the warp drive, I don’t trust him. If he’s regular Richard, though, I trust him with the warp drive more than anyone, living or Star Trek era.

For the first Bahamas Quickfire, the chefs have to cook against the people who won their seasons (cool!), so let’s also welcome back Stephanie, Michael Voltaggio, Kevin, and…this dude?

Yeah right, Hosea really won his Top Chef season – and Slumdog Millionaire won Best Picture. I think I’d remember if that actually happened.

So how do the Apprentices stack up against the Masters (most of whom are worse than their respective apprentices)? Let’s find out…BAHAMAS Style (of finding out):

The finalists all seem bound and determined to beat their Season Winners, especially that f***ing a**hole STEPHANIE (reality show villain if there ever was one), while the returning champions treat the competition with a total lack of urgency as though their Uncle runs the place so they’ll never get fired.

The pairs of chefs each get a protein “personally selected” by Tom — Veal for Stephanie vs. Richard & Antonia, Duck for Mike vs. Mike, Lamb for Carla vs. Hosea, and Pork for Tiffany vs. Kevin. The guest judge is Eric Ripert, who’s there anyway because he literally flies to the Caribbean every morning to hand-spear fish for Le Bernardin.

Tiffany beats Kevin, as she probably should’ve during her season, and earns $10,000, but more importantly, someone get that dude some sweatpants for his head!

Carla loses to Hosea because her rice wasn’t fully cooked, but the judges admit that both their dishes weren’t great. Carla re-iterates that like all the other chefs, she is not in fact in this to win it and is just happy to be here and to make friends. We then see an Olde Timey portrait of Carla losing to Hosea in her season’s finale…

Stephanie’s so-so dish tops Antonia’s even so-soier dish but loses to Richard’s, and in the most improbable outcome of all, Mike Isabella beats Michael Voltaggio. Mike V needs to spend more time caring about cheffing and less time being in Oasis:

I would make a “Don’t Cook Back In Anger” joke, but I’ve matured since my entire life up until this second.

Richard is psyched after his Quickfire win, saying it gives him “momentum,” but as the great Earl Weaver once said about cheffing reality shows, “Momentum is the next day’s starting pitcher” (So true). 3 of the 5 finalists win their matchups, but to be fair, the returning champions really didn’t seem to care, and understandably so; it’d be like going back to your high school and having your old math teacher say “you just got a C!” Uhhhh, I don’t careeee, Mr. Felder, I sometimes kiss girls now.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs will have to “Cook for Bahamian Royalty” (not to be confused with “Bohemian Rhapsody”). The Bahamas have a king? I don’t really know anything about the Bahamas, now that I think about it — maybe they’re one of those countries that was violently ruled by like, Belgium up until the 60s, and some superold former slave trader just hasn’t died yet and no one cares enough to take his crown away. Personally, I just assumed the Bahamas were governed by a council of dolphins floating in a massive overpriced Mai Tai.

The chefs are limo’d to a downtown local-looking eatery, not a palace, and they pull up right in the middle of an extravagant Mardi Gras-style celebration that’s not entirely dissimilar to the dancers in the Coming To America “Queen To Be” scene:

Turns out, the chefs aren’t cooking for actual royalty, they’re cooking for the “King” of Bahami Gras. Everyone’s like “B-B-B-But I prepared a royal dish, what will I do now??” Just totally give up, would be what I would do.

The chefs enter the modest-looking kitchen of a local restaurant and begin cooking their dishes, but it’s only like 10:18, so clearly some other twist has to be coming. Chefs cooking comfortably at 10:18 is the Top Chef equivalent of the Law and Order: SVU cops arresting someone with more than 4 minutes left in an episode – clearly, that person’s nice grandmother who you saw for 3 seconds offering Ice-T a scone is the murderer.

Turns out, it’s not an official “Twist” per se, but right after Antonia declares that a fryer is smoking and about to catch fire, it catches fire:

Antonia talked about Padma arriving last week and it happened instantly, and now she talked about a fire and it happened instantly. Does she have magic State Farm Agent powers? (Sidenote: In that one commercial when that State Farm Agent makes “the girl from upstairs” appear in the guys’ apartment and they’re both like “Yeaahhhh!!!”, wouldn’t the girl be like “HOLY F*CK WHAT JUST HAPPENED?” and not “Now that I’m here, I guess you should just tag-team me?” That commercial is not a documentary.)

The sprinkler system goes off and the fire department is called, and all the chefs’ food is ruined. Tom says “We’re going to have to start over. But this time, you really WILL be cooking for THE KING,” and then Ronald King, manager of “Bahamas Vacuum King and Home Emporium” comes out and is like “Psych!!!”

The chefs are gonna have to get new food, prep it in a different kitchen, then return to the fire kitchen when it gets cleaned up. It’s the Finals, though, so you have to bring your A-dealing with fires that aren’t anyone’s fault and now you’re tired and does any of this really reflect on how good of a chef anyone is game.

The chefs go to another kitchen to prep again. Booring.

They then return to the original kitchen, which now has tabletop fryers but is otherwise the same. Antonia and Richard radically tweak their dishes to make them a little less regal, but they’re forgetting that when you’re cooking for the pretend king of some drunken costume dance-off, you BETTER not make a mistake.

Antonia seems exceptionally pessimistic in her testimonials, plus she seems to be struggling and the judges hate her dish, making her the instant clear favorite to get sent home. Richard’s Roasted Lamb Loin is a hit, with the King saying “I didn’t know you could do this with food,” and for the second straight challenge, Mike Isabella’s dish receives rave reviews.

We head to Judge’s Table, right after a word from Bravo internet:

Mike Isabella wins the Elimination Challenge for his Sous Vide Chicken, Mushrooms, Yams, Lobster Sauce, and Lobster Hash. How did he know how to do any of that? He may be cooking in tongues. Mike also makes this face at Judges’ Table for some reason:

Richard, the favorite from Day One, is also safe, even though he was acting super nervous the whole episode and keeps saying he hates everything he does. I’m rooting for Richard, but really, there’s a fine line between being modest and being demonstrably ignorant of your abilities to the point where it’s kind of insulting to the other chefs who actually do have a much better chance of going home. He’s still in solid shape, but he miiiight wanna freeze that vocal anxiety a couple degrees.

The Bottom Three: Antonia, Tiffany, and Carla.

Tiffany’s Roasted Spiced Pork Tenderloin doesn’t seem too bad, but doesn’t really “wow” the judges, Carla’s Pork Medallion with Sweet Potato Purée, Apple Sauce, and Apple Chip was too sweet, too greasy, and seemed like a “bad dessert,” and Antonia’s hastily recomposed Crispy Shrimp and Grits missed on the shrimp and the grits were weird and stringy and meaty.

In yet another surprise elimination, Carla is told to pack her excitey faces and go:

Like the Jennifer, Angelo and Dale eliminations, Carla losing was surprising but appeared to be a defensible, logical decision by the judges and producers based on the given week. However, the Final Four of Richard, Antonia, Mike, and Tiffany basically means that either Richard is going to win, or it’s going to be BS. Antonia has been good this season, Tiffany was great in the D.C. season but hasn’t done anything impressive this year, and Mike apparently didn’t learn to cook until three weeks ago — by the week-to-week rules, any of them has a shot, but clearly Richard is the best chef left (and was from the getgo), so anyone else “beating him” would just be nominal.

I was less concerned with Carla’s elimination than I was with the half-assed nature of this week’s episode. The Quickfire was an awesome concept but was over quickly (slow that fire down!), then the Elimination Challenge in Part 1 of a two-part finale was, essentially, just “cook any dish.” No theme, no added challenge, no demanding clientele, nothing even Bahamas related (unless you count a fake king guy saying things taste good). The episode just banked on the Caribbean setting being interesting enough to keep everyone entertained, but as a Finale episode directly following Ethnic Emotionfest 2K11, it was an immensely forgettable episode.

In general, though, it’s been an extremely watchable season, and if Richard wins, it’ll be a pleasing-to-the-ears chord at the end of a, I don’t know, food song. That analogy started and broke down quickly. Plus the Finale should pick back up next week when according to the teaser, the chefs have to go diving to pull the shoes off the dead Cast Away pilot and cook them. But will they be fit for THE REAL KING? Meaning Elvis?

Damn – now if the finale is anything less than feeding shoes to Elvis’ unearthed skeleton, I’m gonna be slightly let down. I believe that’s a reasonable expectation.

Follow @DanHopp on Twitter

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Did Watson The Robot Stand In For Britney Spears In This Interview?

Posted: 10 Mar 2011 10:05 AM PST

Britney Spears is looking hot and spread-legged in the current issue of Out. However, it is my theory that Brit came in for the shoot and was all like, “Nailed it! Here, have this robot answer the interview questions.” I think she might be participating in the Turing Test, which is where scientists IM with both humans and robots, not knowing if they are talking to a human or a robot, and try to determine who is what. And it’s harder than you might think. Anyway, these are the quotes that lead me to believe that Britney’s responses were composed by a robot:

What is the worst advice a record executive ever told you?
Someone once told me that the “…Baby One More Time” video should be me as a superhero fighting a giant robot monster. (It’s making a robot reference so we’re all “Oh, a robot would never so obviously reference a robot!” Smart.)

What was the last nightmare you had?
That someone was chasing me. (The robot went to the database and picked the number 2 most cliched nightmare, after falling.)

What is the dumbest, most ridiculous rumor that has been printed about you?
That I was an alien. (Here, the robot makes a choice not say “That I was a robot” because then people would DEFINITELY catch on.)

What women (living or dead) could make you think twice about your sexuality?
I only have eyes for men. (Brit has definitely been attracted to a woman. And if not, a non-robot would know that if you’re giving an interview to a gay magazine you would at least play along.)

Britney Spears is…
ME! (The Robot really got excited over that one, but a human would understand how to answer the question correctly.)

These next quotes are what robots think girls say all the time:


When you were starting out, whose career did you want to mold yours after?
Madonna. No question. She is an amazing entertainer. Besides Madonna, I also admire Sarah Jessica Parker's career and her shoe collection.

My idea of hell is…
Being on a diet.

What is the best advice you've gotten and who was it from?
My mom said when you have a bad day, eat ice cream. That's the best advice.

What album do you consider life-changing?
Natalie Imbruglia's Left of the Middle. (Hold the phone! A robot would never make an Imbruglia reference!! Humans win!!!!!)

Sassy Gay Friend Has No Patience For Natalie Portman

Posted: 10 Mar 2011 10:03 AM PST

But really, who does? Who. Does. Yes, this brand new installment of “Sassy Gay Friend” takes on the sadistic grain-flick known as Black Swan. You know who doesn’t want to have lesbian sex with her? Uhhh the Sassy Gay Friend, that’s who. He’s basically totally over her. I love these stupid bitches.

(via Buzzfeed)
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