Saturday, March 12, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Adam Lambert On Idol Brings Back The Good Ol’ Gays

Posted: 11 Mar 2011 02:27 PM PST

Many years ago, Eddie Murphy summed up my current feelings about American Idol with this analogy:

If you’re starving and somebody throw you a cracker, you gonna be like this: “Goddamn, that’s the best cracker I ever ate in my life! “That ain’t no regular cracker, was it? What was that, a Saltine? Goddamn, that was delicious. That wasn’t no Saltine. That was… That was a Ritz. That wasn’t a Ritz? God, that was the best cracker I ever ate in my life. Can I have another one, please? Please, one more?”

Then you get married, because you think you’ve found the bomb. Have the same crackers every day for a year. And you roll over one day and be like: “Hey, I just got some regular old crackers.”

(You can listen this very same NSFW bit right here.)

You see, for the first 8 seasons of Idol, I tuned in, year after year, with the same old crackers. There were some brilliant talents, and some only OK people, but it was new… and exciting. Then, in Season 8, you had Adam Lambert. Not everyone’s taste, necessarily, but miles ahead of most every other Idol contestant talent-wise. (Jennifer Hudson, I am not looking at you. You stay great, Jennifer Hudson. Same for you, K-Clarx.)

Adam was our Ritz. And now. Now we’re stuck with the saltines. Boring old f**king crackers.

This lack of current American Idol talent was no more evident than last night, when Adam appeared live on the results show singing an acoustic remixed version of “Aftermath,” sales of which are benefiting The Trevor Project. (You can buy the song here.)

Adam, as per usual, killed it, and brought back all those warm feelings of watching him slay week in, week out on his Idol season. And who do we have now? Jacob Lusk, a good enough gospel singer who is bordering on parody at this point, James Durbin, a Lambert rip-off who cries at the drop of a skull-embroidered hanky, and a bunch of bland girls whose names I don’t have the time to remember. The only one there with some serious vocal skills is Pia Toscano, who is pretty and nice and good but f*ck I just fell asleep. SALTINES Y’ALL.

Here is Adam’s performance. It’s been a while since I’ve fan-girled (I’ve grown a lot in these past few hours, guys), but you just can’t help but watch it and remember the good ol’ gays.

Even Kristen Wiig’s Mom Hates Gilly

Posted: 11 Mar 2011 02:23 PM PST

In an outstanding interview with Mike Ryan of Movieline.com, the supremely talented yet still polarizing SNL star Kristen Wiig admits that some of her characters aren’t as well-received by the public at large as others. Take Gilly, for example, arguably the most annoying recurring character on the show over the last few seasons. “I mean, the first time that I did [Gilly],” Wiig states, “my mom, the next day was like, ‘Oh, I did not like that. That new character you did, I did not like her!’” Pretty harsh, Mom!

However, Wiig isn’t the kind of performer who lets something like a little negative feedback — even when it’s coming from the woman who gave birth to her — drag her down. “People are going either going to love it or they are not going to love it. But I can't think about that stuff when I'm writing something. You know, it's great when they like it, but, if they don't, they have their right to not like it … If you're creating anything at all, it's really dangerous to care about what people think.”

While we certainly respect and admire the level of self-confidence it takes to put yourself out on the line in front of millions of viewers each time a performer steps on the boards of Studio 8H, we’d be perfectly content if another Gilly sketch never made it to air. Speaking of which, as we get prepped for tomorrow night’s Zach Galifianakis/Jessie J episode, we thought we’d throw a question out to you, the loyal, well-informed and extremely opinionated BWE reader: Who are your least favorite recurring characters on SNL, both now and in the entire history of the show? You know where to respond, so let’s get to it!

SEXTRAVADANZA: The 20 Sexiest Photos Of Tony Danza

Posted: 11 Mar 2011 01:31 PM PST

Some sad news today in the world of matrimony: After 24 years of marriage, Tony Danza will no longer be the boss of his wife Tracy Robinson. Very sad indeed. Something tells us Tracy caught glimpse of Tony’s A&E reality show Teach: Tony Danza and was like “Mmm-bye.”

But let us focus on something we’re pretty sure no one would get divorced over: The fact that, at 60, Tony Danza is looking better than ever. Here are the 20 Sexiest Photos of Tony in his Danza-iest best, including a NUDE SHOT. It’s a veritable Sextravadanza!! Here we go:

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(Click For Uncensored. Seriously.)

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Well, That Does It For Gangsta Poses

Posted: 11 Mar 2011 12:42 PM PST

Here’s Elmo and Grover at a children’s hospital in Philadelphia officially finishing off the final, lingering shreds of faux-toughness associated with people making gangsta poses in photos. Thanks yet again, Elmo and Grover!

Although really, most of that charitable legwork was already accomplished by These Guyz.

Meet The World’s Dumbest Assh*le

Posted: 11 Mar 2011 11:52 AM PST

It would make sense that of all days for this photo to come out, it would just happen to be “Unfollow Charlie Sheen on Twitter” day. What follows is an account of what happens when two people with limited brain function and lots and lots of alcohol get themselves a tattoo needle and decide to ruin their bodies for life. Just when I swore I would never write about Charlie Sheen again, this assh*le has to get his face tattoo’d to a tiger body. So the story goes:

A New York man has got this ‘winning’ Charlie Sheen tattoo – featuring the troubled actor’s head attached to the body of a tiger. The man, as yet unidentified, was talking to his tattoo artist pal Mike Nomy about the star’s recent exploits. Mike said: “We were talking about Charlie Sheen and kept repeating his catchphrases. I said that I had an awesome idea for a Sheen tattoo and he immediately said he wanted it. I thought it was so funny I did it for free.” The word ‘Winning’ appears at the bottom of the tattoo.

Please include this blog post in the humanity file for “Why the world is probably going to end on March 11, 2011.”

[Photo and description via Splash]

Kelsey Grammer’s $1 Million Cash Wedding Present: Ultimate Gift, Or Ultimate Tacky?

Posted: 11 Mar 2011 10:59 AM PST

Kelsey Grammer has reportedly (meaning “probably made-uply” but we’re gonna talk about it anyway) given $1 million in cash to his new bride, 29-year-old British flight attendant Kayte Walsh. Whether or not this is true, it raises an important question of tact that we’ll all definitely have to confront at some point in our lives: Is receiving a wedding gift of $1 million an awesome thing, or an impossibly tacky thing?

THE GOOD: This is ONE MILLION DOLLARS directly deposited into her bank account shortly after marrying Walsh with no prenup right in the middle of his soon-to-be devastatingly expensive divorce. Is there a bigger show of commitment than that? And what’s a better gift than literally one million dollars? Tackiness aside, would anyone actually prefer a $1 million painting or something? Unless it’s of Kelsey Grammer falling, obviously not.

On the other hand…

THE BAD: This isn’t a gift from an outside party to the wedding couple, it’s a gift from the Groom to the Bride — giving cash is not only the tackiest thing possible, but from an etiquette and basic common sense standpoint, it’s borderline prostitution. Though granted, $1 mil would buy a seriously high-class prostitute – we’re talking, like, one of those supermodel ones from the Bunny Ranch that has to f*ck that fat owner guy. MAXIMUM class.

So the real debate here is, is giving someone $1 mil just an inflated version of the lazy, tactless cash gift, or in the specific case of Grammer, who’s about to lose millions in a divorce suit, is this the ultimate show of commitment? And also you get one million dollars?

Or maybe it’s an elaborate Andy Dufresne-like money laundering scheme to keep that money from being lost in the divorce settlement. Hrm – I began this paragraph as a “joke to wrap up the post” sort of thing, but it now seems more plausible than either half of the above debate. I now vote for this write-in option.

So what do you think, people who have or have not received $1 million wedding gifts — is this gift amazing, or amazingly tacky?

The Justin Timbelake-Jessica Biel Break-Up: We Called It!

Posted: 11 Mar 2011 10:51 AM PST

Have you heard the big news? Celebrity power couple who are probably the answer to 5,000 blind items Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have called it quits.

Well guess what? “WE ALREADY KNEW THAT SH*T, DAWG” — Me in 2003. Check out this photo and caption we posted after the Oscars back on February 28:



Let us analyze some of the imminent break-up signs ahead…

There are three very obvious signs this couple is about to break-up according to this photograph:

1. The clenched fist which is being repelled by a “boring white girl” force field.
2. The hand white knuckling his own knee out of pent up sexual frustration.
3. The eyes. The eyes that say: Get me as far the f*ck away from Jessica Biel humanly possible.

And there you have it. A break-up in the making!! Thanks for playing, TheCircleOfLife.

Pee-Wee’s Balloon Trick Is The Only Sane Thing In An Insane World

Posted: 11 Mar 2011 10:02 AM PST

You gotta admit. Today has been pretty f*cked up. Deadly powerful earthquake in Japan, followed by a tsunami traveling to multiple countries. When I woke up this morning, I thought: How can I blog today? About all these petty trivialities that seem so meaningless when people are dying and their possessions destroyed. I fell asleep on my couch last night glued to CNN, and woke up this morning, face full of makeup, wondering what is it going to take to make this day easier.

And I think I found it. Here is Pee-Wee Herman on Conan this week doing a balloon trick. Nothing more about it needs to be said.

This is about as normal as thing are gonna get today.
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