Best Week Ever |
- A Brief History Of Movie Title Sequences — Shut Up, It’s Interesting
- A Snake Bit A Model’s Fake Breast And Then Died
- EARLY MORNING LOLZ: Boy And Dog Fall Asleep
- 1988 Middle School Rap Video Still Great In 2011
- Celebrity Apprentice Gives Us The 5 Most Disturbing Images To Ever Air On TV
- THE WORST SONG EVER COMPETITION: “Top That” vs. “Friday”
- SNL Power Rankings: Won’t Someone Please Open Up An Express Lane For Zach Galifianakis To Get Into The Five Timers Club?
- I Don’t Even Know What To Say About Rebecca Black
- Daredevil Penguin Jumps Over Pit In Extreme March Of The Penguins Sequel
- Piday, Piday, Gotta Get Down On Piday
- The Bully Bodyslam: A Frank Discussion
- Can You Deer Me Now: Deer Loses Ears, Gains Trendy Headwrap
- The 5 Worst The Office Bobblehead Dolls
- “Drinks Tonight? Sorry… I Have Plans“
- Opposite Of Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Quits Smoking
- Just Tracy Morgan Shirtless With A Lightsaber
| A Brief History Of Movie Title Sequences — Shut Up, It’s Interesting Posted: 15 Mar 2011 09:00 AM PDT For South by Southwest, a guy named Ian Albinson put together a montage of movie title sequences starting from 1916 and ending with present day films. This whole thing is really great and is going to make you want to watch movies right now. You’re probably going to end up watching your Netflix Instant Queue at work later today. That’s fine. I’ll write a note to your boss so you don’t get fired (I have a lot of pull with your boss!). A Brief History of Title Design- A Brief History of Title Design from Ian Albinson on Vimeo. Thanks, The High Definite. |
| A Snake Bit A Model’s Fake Breast And Then Died Posted: 15 Mar 2011 08:11 AM PDT
The video below shows the snake biting her. But what we really should get into here is not the micro-issue of a snake biting an implant. We should instead explore the macro-issue that is this question: Why was any of this even happening in the first place? Who wants a real snake and a plastic looking lady? This is such a lazy approximation of sex appeal it’s astounding. It’s as if aliens put this scene together for us based on one clip from Wayne’s World and a claymation remake of a Baywatch episode. “Am I right, you guys?!” the Aliens would say collectively, seeking approval for their creation. “No. Good God, no,” The people of earth would respond as one. Go ahead. Watch the snake bite her. It’s the only thing left to do before we all get taken up to the weird alien strip club mother ship.
Thanks for the tip, Ashley. |
| EARLY MORNING LOLZ: Boy And Dog Fall Asleep Posted: 15 Mar 2011 02:32 AM PDT Not much to say here. A boy and a dog simultaneously fall asleep. So simple, and yet, I basically died laughing. I’ve tried to dissect what is so funny about it, because I am an annoying person who does that sort of thing, and I’ve pretty much boiled the entire thing down to “Bulldog’s Mouth.” Maybe I should just adopt a bulldog and treat him like my son. Put him in front of the TV during Sesame Street while drinking wine with all the other stay-at-home dog moms. (via Buzzfeed) |
| 1988 Middle School Rap Video Still Great In 2011 Posted: 15 Mar 2011 08:24 AM PDT Most people can probably remember some great moments from their middle school assemblies. My two favorite middle school assembly moments were both from student council presidential election speeches. One year, Kelly put on a yellow smiley face tee shirt and, in lieu of a speech, sang to the tune of The Monkees’ Daydream Believer that she was going to finally get our school some vending machines (she actually won, and she actually got them — it was very impressive). And then there was Justin who, with all the gravitas he could muster, proclaimed that his ideas could not be tidily put into a pre-written speech. He held his print-out in front of us, crumpled it into ball, and discarded it to stage right. He then proceeded to read from another print-out on the podium (he did not win). It would be difficult for me to say with any certainty what anyone else from my school remembers as the best assembly moment, but I can say with confidence that if you went to Lexington Junior High in Lexington, Kentucky in 1988, this is absolutely your favorite memory. Thanks, Videogum. |
| Celebrity Apprentice Gives Us The 5 Most Disturbing Images To Ever Air On TV Posted: 14 Mar 2011 03:24 PM PDT Last night’s Celebrity Apprentice taught me two very important lessons: The first being, celebrities are not good at writing and performing children’s books. The second lesson is quite simple: Dionne Warwick is a f*cking bitch. Yes. A bitch. Horrible woman. I hate her. Despite my love for this song. I don’t care if she’s 70 or 10,000 years old: She’s terrible. Now, on to more important things, like the Live Storybook Performance given by each of the teams. It is thanks to this episode of Celebrity Apprentice that we as a country and people have been given the 5 most disturbing images to ever air on television. Like, my dreams were effected by these GIFs. The pics are pretty large, but oh, are they worth it: 5.
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| THE WORST SONG EVER COMPETITION: “Top That” vs. “Friday” Posted: 14 Mar 2011 03:32 PM PDT We’re throwing an impromptu End-Of-Monday competition. It’s to vote on the Worst Song Ever. There are only two entrants! Rebecca Black’s “Friday” (a song I still don’t know what to say about) and “Top That” from Teen Witch. Leave your decision in the comments!! |
| Posted: 14 Mar 2011 02:46 PM PDT
That’s the way you do it, that’s the way you Way more divisive, however, were the opinions on Dr. Luke’s newest protégé, Jessie J. The fact that she’s got a big voice and killer stems is undeniable, but her performance (at least to me!) came across like Natasha Bedingfield on a fistful of bennies. However, based on a quick search of Vevo, her music is apparently quite popular with the kids these days (26 million views for “Price Tag” alone). Would anyone care to explain exactly what her deal is?
But now, without any further ado, here are this week’s patented SNL Power Rankings! SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE POWER RANKINGS: 3/12/11 (Host: Zach Galifianakis; Musical Guest: Jessie J)
2. Bill Hader (39 points): Whereas Hader’s “Duh! Winning!” sketch last week felt like it dragged on forEVER, his Charlie Sheen impresh this weekend hit just the right notes in just the right amount of time. And bonus points for historical accuracy; The pyramids really WERE built by the Wayans Brothers! 3. Kenan Thompson (34 points): “Beeeeeef JELLY!” 4. Nasim Pedrad (32 points): Over the course of this season, Pedrad has repeatedly demonstrated that she’s got what it takes to be a mainstay of SNL for as many seasons as she likes. She can play the “straight man” (as interviewer Tracy Wolfson during the cold open), she can imitate celebs (her Sharon Osbourne was more than adequate), and she’s able to infuse otherwise forgettable parts with attitude and swagger (her work as a cheesed off mom in the “Corn Syrup Producers of America” commercial turned a mediocre sketch into something memorable). 5. Bobby Moynihan (29 points): Quite a solid week for Moynihan. It doesn’t seem as if he’s ever going to blossom into a lead performer (ie, someone who can carry a sketch all by his/her lonesome), but he’s doing quite well for himself as a second banana. (PS, bring back Mark Payne!)
7. Jason Sudeikis (23 points): A middle-of-the-road episode in the midst of a middle-of-the-road season from my boy Sudeiks. White Bernie Mac had so much potential! 8. Abby Elliott (22 points): Just when you thought her Khloe Kardashian was the worst celebrity impression on SNL came Elliott’s toothless take on Leah Remini. The comedic weight of this sketch rested on Abby’s shoulders, yet time and time again, she was never quite able to break the crowd up with her punchlines. She also biffed a line during that sketch, too. 9. Fred Armisen (20 points): I wonder if Lorne is secretly upset with how good Portlandia turned out to be? Ever since that show’s debut, Fred has seen less and less screen time. Then again, Lorne is an E.P. on that show, so he’s no doubt profiting from the exercise, so that theory doesn’t actually hold water. Bottom line? We want more Armisen!  10. Vanessa Bayer (18 points): This! Forever! (Courtesy of City Sleep) 11. Paul Brittain (6 points): More Goran “Funky Boy” Bogdan, please! As a rookie, Brittain hasn’t had much chance to contribute this season, but when he does, things generally go real well. I’d be shocked if he weren’t back for a second tour of duty next fall. 12 (tie). Taran Killam, Jay Pharoah (5 points): Aside from brief cameos in the “Kings of Catchphrase Comedy” sketch, both of these gents were blanked this week. Bonus Footage! This didn’t air live, but here’s some backstage NBC video of Zach getting his Mr. T mohawk during a commercial break. SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE POWER RANKINGS: SEASON 36 TOTALS
Reference Materials: Here’s this week’s sketch-by-sketch breakdown: Also, did you know that we’re showing classic episodes of SNL every night on VH1? It’s true! |
| I Don’t Even Know What To Say About Rebecca Black Posted: 14 Mar 2011 03:34 PM PDT  This weekend, an unknown teenager was turned into an internet sensation. Her name is Rebecca Black. Her song? “Friday.” Her angle? She is the worst tween singing sensation of all time.
1. You have a kid. Just how many kids are repeating through the above process? Many many many kids. Ark Music Factory had a launch gala back in February, with a live concert featuring many of their budding acts. This is a 9 minute long video from the launch. IT IS THE MOST BRILLIANT COMMENTARY ON CHILD STARDOM I HAVE EVER SEEN. Here is the video along with some bullet-pointed thoughts: Some thoughts. Please note these are especially bitter as the 13 year old in me would have looooved to have performed on this stage. • CJ Fam. Why is this little satyr man-lady child not the actual trending celebrity on Twitter? She (?) is AMAZINGAHHH!!! Her single “Ordinary Pop Star” is, like, seriously, like, so good you guys. Don’t let the fact that 87 percent of the people who have seen it “Dislike” it. It’s great. That hair! Which brings me to Rebecca Black. Her single "Friday" is basically the new "Tardy For The Party," in that it is so mindblowingly awful that it is secretly THE BEST. And it has been a Twitter Trending Topic for 3 days straight now, with the music video for the brilliant awfulness already clocking in at nearly 3 million views. Please join the masses and tune in: It sounds exaaaaaaactly like Justin Bieber's "Baby," only brings about some deeper life lessons. Which seat should she sit in? What day was yesterday? Why is there a 40 year old man rapping in a car? Why are 12 year olds f**king? WHY ARE THERE 49 SYLLABLES IN THE WORD FRIDAY?????? Rebecca Black, you have made me reconsider my life decisions. As in, I am getting pregnant ASAP, naming said child Noah, and immediately enrolling my child in the Ark Music Factory. THANK YOU FOR THIS GIFT REBECCA.
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| Daredevil Penguin Jumps Over Pit In Extreme March Of The Penguins Sequel Posted: 14 Mar 2011 01:35 PM PDT Exec Producer: “March Of the Penguins was a huge hit, people, but for this sequel, we really gotta ham it up — what are some extreme things we can have the Penguins doing?” Producer 1: “Snowboarding?” Producer 2: “Twitter!” Producer 3: “CGI’d dance sequence to ‘Everybody Dance Now’?” [Producer 3 is a limited-capacity robot constructed in 1994] Exec Producer: NO NO NO! We need something even more extreme… something really impossible and dangerous that we can show in 3-D… Exec Producer: Done! Throw it in the movie. And that “Everybody Dance Now” montage. Actually just make the movie those two things. And have the fat penguin’s butt stick out towards the camera in 3-D. Someone call Morgan Freeman and tell him it’s a wrap. Cut him into the montage too and have his butt stick out in 3-D. Whoa, it’s literally raining sacks of money on my face. Real-life “Everybody Dance Now” celebration! (via Gawker.tv) |
| Piday, Piday, Gotta Get Down On Piday Posted: 14 Mar 2011 01:10 PM PDT |
| The Bully Bodyslam: A Frank Discussion Posted: 14 Mar 2011 01:42 PM PDT Perhaps the saddest permutation of bullying is when a kid gets physically attacked by a smaller kid and doesn’t fight back — when the kid being bullied has the needed strength and power to successfully respond, but does not. It’s as if the child has such a distorted and negative view of himself that he can’t see that he is capable of ending his own torment. This following video has become viral today and deservedly so. It captures the exact moment a larger kid stops accepting bullying as a reality and realizes that he doesn’t have to take abuse from anyone, much less someone who is a tiny little assh*le. Both of the kids in this video will remember this moment for the rest of their lives. One will remember it as the moment that he found it in himself to take destiny into his own hands, and the other will remember it as the time he stumbled around punch drunk after being dropped RIGHT ON HIS CHILDHOOD FACE. This video captures the kind of triumph that is only possible during youth. It is rare as an adult to have an epiphany, much less one that can be so immediately put to use. “Wait a minute… what the hell are we even talking about here? I am enormously strong.” – This Kid. And a quick warning: The video is kind of intense. You don’t normally root for the bigger kid, but this is perfect. It’s like that scene in the remake of The Karate Kid where Jackie Chan beats up a gang of 11 year olds and your’e totally on Jackie Chan’s side. (Yes, that actually happens in a movie that is legal to watch.) Also, for the record, the bodyslammed kid was okay. So, let’s all relax. Thanks, Towleroad. |
| Can You Deer Me Now: Deer Loses Ears, Gains Trendy Headwrap Posted: 14 Mar 2011 11:05 AM PDT
Our favorite hospital for miniature rescued deers, St. Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital, has nearly outdone themselves with this latest find. A baby Muntjac deer nicknamed “Bless Her Little Heart” lost both of her ears in a dog attack in Oxford, England. While this story already seems delightfully heartbreaking, it gets better: She became best friends with a fellow male deer named Max, and now the two are boyfriend and girlfriend. Boyfriend and f-ing girlfriend baby deers, one of whom looks remarkably like the deer version of Erykah Badu. You would be wise to click ahead for not only a photo of these lovebirds as well as the HOOF CLOSE-UP OF 2011.
Can we please start a campaign to get me a VIP pass to the Tiggywinkles Hospital? Because this is the only location named in my new book “One Places To See Before I Die.” [Photos: Splash News] |
| The 5 Worst The Office Bobblehead Dolls Posted: 14 Mar 2011 01:13 PM PDT
Even in the unlikely event that you had a friend who happened to have both seen Psych and also liked it, this would be a terrible gift. “I would have rather you just saved the money and stopped being friends with people.” – Your Friend who likes Psych. But one thing in the store that it is possible someone somewhere might actually enjoy is their line of The Office bobblehead dolls. The only problem is that they are the world’s least accurate bobblehead dolls. Here are the five worst ones. 1.) Stanley It looks like instead of having an artist just look at pictures of the characters, they got some sort of police sketch artist equivalent of a sculptor who kept interrupting people as they described the character’s faces. “Okay, so this guy is black? Say no more!”
2.) Ryan Remember that episode arc where Ryan had a stubble beard and also a different face than he actual has?
3.) Kelly This is at least as close to being a Gloria Estefan bobblehead doll as it is to being a Kelly Kapoor bobblehead doll.
4.) Andy “We’ll take the body from the 70′s Steve Martin and the head from your middle school lab partner’s dad and BOOM. Andy!”
5.) Oscar Nine year old Dr. Sanjay Gupta, is that you?
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| “Drinks Tonight? Sorry… I Have Plans“ Posted: 14 Mar 2011 03:46 PM PDT
I’m not saying this is what I watched on Saturday night instead of going out for drinks with my “friends.” But I am saying that no one asked me to go for drinks on Saturday night and so this is what I watched. It was one of the better Saturday nights I’ve had in a while. |
| Opposite Of Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Quits Smoking Posted: 14 Mar 2011 09:53 AM PDT Most people have no issue with Lindsay Lohan whatsoever in that they don’t know her or have anything invested in how her life turns out. But, even for the small portion of the population that actually cares, it’s hard to imagine that anyone’s issue with her is that she smokes. Nonetheless, this is a thing that happened today. From TMZ:
Haha. Okay, Lindsay Lohan. This would be kind of like if someone stole stuff, couldn’t hold down a job, constantly got drunk with her mom, and then said “okay, I’ll quit smoking.” It’s scarily similar to that.
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| Just Tracy Morgan Shirtless With A Lightsaber Posted: 14 Mar 2011 09:50 AM PDT
Here’s Tracy Morgan doing what he does best: Being shirtless while wielding a plastic lightsaber. At least, we assume it’s plastic, we’d be no more or less surprised if Tracy Morgan owned a custom working lightsaber and weilded it while shirtless next to the East River. This continues to beg the perpetual question: What would Tracy Morgan have to be doing in a photo for you to be like “Whoa, why is Tracy Morgan doing that in that photo?” instead of “Haha, of course Tracy Morgan’s doing that. What’s for breakfast, honey?” (In this scenario “honey” is your dog who you pretend cooks you breakfast.) If you wish to ruin the Tracy illusion, click after the jump:
He’s just filming a scene for 30 Rock, not running around the East River shirtless with a lightsaber on his own. But still, it’s 40 degrees outside and this dude’s shirtless by a river for his craft – how many other even slightly prominent tv personalities would say yes to that? Basically, the Jackass guys and Tracy Morgan. Actually wait – just got an Oscar Host idea. |
But before we get to dear Rebecca, let us look at the tween bad singing bologna factory called the Ark Music Factory (“We Make Your Children Into Internet Laughinstocks!”) Here’s how we think it works:
At the NBC Experience Store in New York’s Rockefeller Center they have an enormous amount of crap you would never ever want. For example, try getting psyched about the shirt at the right.
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