Crushable |
- Nike Is Finally Selling Marty McFly’s Back to the Future Shoes, Four Years Early
- Jersey Shore Field Notes: Those Guidos on TV
- Gallery: Tanner Hall Star Tom Everett Scott Grew Up Good
- Dostoyevsky’s Russian Dolls: Calendar Girls
- Tom Brady’s Uggs Commercial Resembles A Drug Trip In A Movie
- Gwyneth Paltrow and Michael Fassbender Are Playing Sex Addicts in 12 Steps and Shame
- Cutegreggator: Dogs Who Would Rather Be Turtles
- Crush Links: Jay-Z Pampering Pregnant Wife Beyoncé
- Gallery: Surprise! Ali Lohan’s First Modeling Gig Is Inappropriately Sexual
- This Is What Harper Seven Beckham Looks Like
| Nike Is Finally Selling Marty McFly’s Back to the Future Shoes, Four Years Early Posted: 09 Sep 2011 10:34 AM PDT My favorite Back to the Future movie was the one where Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) went forward in time, what with the hoverboards, self-lacing Nike shoes, and Biff married to his mom. Well, one of those is now a reality: Nike is releasing 1,500 pairs of Marty’s Air Mags, made to look like 1989′s vision of 2015′s kicks. The shoes, which will be auctioned off on eBay to raise money for Parkinson’s research, have rechargeable LED lights on the back and bottom, bringing to mind the “LA Lights” sneakers we all wore in the ’90s. Unfortunately, the laces still require human fingers to tie, but that technology can’t be too far behind. As you can see, Michael J. Fox went on Letterman last night to show off the sneakers and talk about the auction. It’s really fitting, considering that he suffers from Parkinson’s. So, how do they match up? Scarily well, we’d say. Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Jersey Shore Field Notes: Those Guidos on TV Posted: 09 Sep 2011 10:25 AM PDT
0:00 – Our specimen The Situation wakes up on the couch of his luxury hovel — still in his neck brace — and whimpers for a while. He explains he’s learned a valuable lesson, and it's that he probably shouldn't ram his head into walls anymore. (Note: Send a congratulations to The Situation on his pre-school commencement.) 2:00 – Ronnie awakes and hulks his way into Sammi's room. He tells her he loves her no matter what. They decide to talk later about maybe getting back together. (Diagnosis: Amnesia? Stupidity? Television producers?) 4:00 – The Situation calls his sister, The Melissa, and complains. He is sad and he wants to go home because having spent two days in a neck brace has ruined his entire The Life. 4:30 – The girls drop off their laundry. Again. [Note: SERIOUSLY, HOW THE FUCK DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE SO MUCH LAUNDRY?!? (Note: Have an intern edit this.)] 6:00 – Sitch is very sad because he's hurt and can't do anything for himself. He fake cries for the camera. (Diagnosis>Stanislavski method? Onions?) 6:30 – Ronnie has a chat with Sitch. Sitch talks about wanting to go home. Ronnie grunts and Sitch nods like he understands the meaning of this. 7:00 – The Situation decides he will stay after all, because he is a man. (Translation: His penis is stuck to the couch.) 12:00 – Our specimens Snooki and JWOWW explore their surroundings. They walk by a church and are reprimanded for wearing revealing and also neon clothing. 13:00 – Snooki calls her mate Jionni. She tells him he's the best person she knows and that she would like to "suck his butt." Then she burps. 14:00 – Jionni reacts to Snooki's behavior by calling her stupid. Snooki expresses the emotion of sadness. 14:30 – Snooki talks to Ronnie, who has, evidently, because the de facto psychiatrist in the house. Snooki is sad because she's never been in love like this before. However, it seems Jionni doesn't particularly care for any aspect of Snooki's personality. It’s a real predicament. Ronnie's diagnosis: Snooki subconsciously wants to fuck her cousin. (Diagnosis: Ronnie's parents fucked their cousins.) 16:00 – Denna gives Pauly a haircut. It's the style known as a "fauxhawk," which means "fake hairstyle." Deena finds herself aroused by this new look. Pauly proclaims that is makes him look like "those Guidos on TV who are trying too hard." (Diagnosis: …………………………………………………) 18:00 – Sam and Ron sit down to talk. They discuss politics, Russian literature, the debt crisis, and then their own relationship. Sam is mad because Ron "did her dirty," and she thinks he's a pig. (Diagnosis: Ron has a tail.) 20:00 – Ron apologizes but Sam says she doesn't care. Ron says he loves Sam. They start to yell at one another (Ronnie's a Krugmanite, Sammi's more cautious about spending.) 25:00 – Vinny comes in and asks if Ron and Sam would please go somewhere else if they’re going to argue all the time because it is loud. Then he throws his weight behind Dostoevsky over Tolstoy as the better writer.) 27:00 – Sam decides she and and Ron should get back together. They leave to go fornicate, and then to commit the perfect crime and try to get away with it. 34:00 – Our specimens leave for the club once again. The place they go to is called “21,” which in the metric system translates to “Ugh.” 35:00 – Sam and Ron are in love again. They French kiss, which means they both taste of onion soup. 37:00 – Deena and JWOWW get into an altercation with several women in the club. A woman throws her drink in Deena’s face. Snooki will not stand for this, so she starts punching people. She punches Deena accidentally. Deena says, “No, it’s me, Deena!” (Diagnosis: Self-awareness at last.) 41:00 – Snooki calls Jionni. He is mad at her because she’s been drinking and also because she still has that same personality. 42:00 – Ronnie interjects. He takes the phone from Snooki and tells Jionni that he can guarantee that Snooki loves him so he’s being stupid by getting all uppity about it. “Also,” he asks. “Do you have any female cousins?” 47:00 – Deena calls her waiter friend whose name is Ellis (Italian for “Not Italian”). She summons him to her abode. 48:00 – Ellis arrives. 49:00 – Sammi proclaims Ellis a real man for coming over at 4 AM, which makes her think he must really like Deena. (Diagnosis: Do these people know what words mean, at all?) 49:30 – Deena falls down. 50:00 – Deena drags Ellis into her bedroom, but soon notices he has a hickey. She asks about it. He says it’s from his sister. Ronnie bursts into the room, takes notes, then submits a paper to the International Journal of Psychiatry. 51:00 – Deena sends Ellis away. 52:00 – JWOWW calls her mate R0G3R. She complains about how Jionni is being mean to Snooki. 53:00 – The specimens decide they must hold an intervention to convince Snooki to sever her ties with Jionni. 55:00 – Snooki is upset. She says, “You don’t have to do an intervention. I’m not addicted to heroin, I’m just addicted to my boyfriend’s penis.” Her boyfriend’s penis is, incidentally, shaped like a crack pipe. 57:00 – JWOWW won’t relent, however, because she thinks Jionni is behaving poorly. She says, “I’m not just going to pretend everything is all cheese and daisies.” Thank goodness, because Italians are known for being intolerant of daisies. Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Gallery: Tanner Hall Star Tom Everett Scott Grew Up Good Posted: 09 Sep 2011 10:04 AM PDT Tom Everett Scott is one of those hot character actors; you see him every once in a while in movies and on TV, but it never seems like he actually found a project that entirely fits him. Can you believe it was fifteen years ago that we met him as shy drummer Guy Patterson in That Thing You Do!? It seems like Hollywood wanted him to be the next Tom Hanks, and while that never happened, Tom’s really warmed to the “hot asshole” role, playing jerks that you still want to sleep with in Because I Said So and Tanner Hall (out today). Won’t you join us in watching Tom grow from gawky kid to Rooney Mara‘s hot family friend? Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Dostoyevsky’s Russian Dolls: Calendar Girls Posted: 09 Sep 2011 09:10 AM PDT As I turned the channel to Lifetime's Russian Dolls Thursday at 11:30 PM, the ghost of Dostoyevsky entered my body. As his designated spiritual medium, I transcribed his impressions of the show. These are his words.
"Just because I didn't open up a modeling school doesn't mean I don't know how to pose." Says buxom blonde Diana, as she gets her dolls in a row for the Brighton Beach Calendar Girl competition. When pressed for the importance of what seems a simple dress-up show of lies, Diana points out that many women meet their future husbands through this pageantry. A Russian woman must carry currency in the form of her physicality – a face rich in beauty is a ticket to a rich life. We must recognize superficiality as a great equalizer. Much like Diana has had the privilege of launching a modeling school, she may also not have had the privilege of disposable income. But given the chance, she knows how to pose. Which for a Russian Doll is completely still. Acknowledges poor Renata. After heralding her "hotter than a 17-year old," which this author can only presume refers to the assets on her surface and not the body temperature beneath it, Renata's husband Boris notices her varicose veins with horror and insists she sees a doctor. She has already procured her ticket to a rich life with her rich looks, but her exposed varicose veins expose the precarious instability of her social position. To keep her husband, she cannot keep her dirty, blue, protruding secret any longer. For a Russian Doll, this is nothing a quick paint job can't fix.
Says princess Anastasia, as she embarrasses herself. Trapped in a beauty salon, subjecting herself to the tortures of the hot iron and scissor blades for a contest she can't win, the only thing left for Anastasia to do is lay her turmoil at the feet of everyone around her. Or, rather, the flat, circular surface on a Matryoshka doll where feet normally would be. Each week sees Anastasia fly into some kind of a consumptive fever of emotions, undoubtedly a sign of her internal struggle to escape from the good and evil trapping her inside of herself. She must open herself up to free her demons. Which for a Russian Doll should be as simple as a quick untwisting. Explains Marina, one of the richest Russian Dolls of all and judge for the Brighton Beach Calendar Girl competition. Quite simply, they're looking for the full year- not a February/March, not an October – December. The judges want a 365-day girl. But just as we are destined for failure in the eyes of God above, so too are these Russian Dolls attempting to scoot down a makeshift runway. Expectation is inevitable but perfection is unattainable. Except for a Russian Doll. Who is manufactured. But isn't life, as we know it, manufactured? Just look at a calendar. Post from: Crushable  |
| Tom Brady’s Uggs Commercial Resembles A Drug Trip In A Movie Posted: 09 Sep 2011 08:58 AM PDT Mr. Gisele recently got paid a dillion dollars to appear in a commercial for “Uggs for men,” and the result is predictably disturbing. It’s set to an ominous Mos Def track that implies something terrible is about to happen, which we are soon delivered in the form of Hot Guy Ruined By Terrible Shoes (HGRBTS). The viewer must then watch powerlessly as Brady proceeds to leave the house in Uggs and shuffle around the neighborhood, looking about with the blissfully glassy eyes of someone in the midst of candy-flipping. The dizzying shots of his feet and face mimic those used to connote “this person is effed up” in every movie ever to deal with the subject. Clearly, Tom Brady has been drugged and forced to wear these abominations against his better metrosexual judgment, because that’s the only way I can imagine him willingly coming with ten feet of those wearable chunks of shame. Is Tom Brady really that hard up for cash? True story: I once worked at a museum cafe with a couple of stylin’ straight dudes who checked out every girl who came in. If a girl was wearing something tasteless (like, say, Uggs), they were both like, “eeeew,” no matter how hot she was otherwise. I think it’s time for this brand to stop attempting to purchase cool points and embrace its own déclassé image, maybe by hiring Snooki as a spokesmodel. It is through recognition of one’s own self that one finds true freedom. Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Gwyneth Paltrow and Michael Fassbender Are Playing Sex Addicts in 12 Steps and Shame Posted: 09 Sep 2011 08:52 AM PDT
The Gory Details What don’t we know about Michael’s intense role? His character Brendan watches violent porn at home and at work; pursues co-workers, strangers, and prostitutes; and masturbates anywhere he can, including the men’s room. TIME reports that the filmmakers didn’t seem to pull any punches, and the movie will probably garner an NC-17 rating. On the other hand, we didn’t get a preview of Gwyneth’s indiscretions. We know only that she plays Phoebe, a businesswoman — wanna bet that her addiction will conflict with her professional life? Support System Brendan’s only two nonsexual relationships are shaky ones, with his boss who admires him for his Casanova life, and his suicidal singer sister Carey Mulligan. Phoebe, of course, has her actual support group, which counts among its ranks Tim Robbins and Mark Ruffalo; Joely Richardson also stars as Tim’s wife. True Love? Brendan tries to pursue a co-worker, but from the review it sounds like he has trouble getting off is the sex isn’t anonymous and in a public place. Alternatively, Phoebe copies Gwyn’s Country Strong character in falling for a fellow rehab member, Mark Ruffalo’s character. Feel-Good Factor Sharing is definitely being described as a “dramatic comedy”; it won’t be as irreverent as Chuck Palahniuk‘s Choke, but it’ll add some humor to the recovery tale. On the opposite end of the spectrum is Shame, which is definitely sexy but mostly bleak and desperate. Both sound fantastic, and we’re really psyched to check ‘em out. Of course, it may be a while before we get to see naked Michael Fassbender screwing everything that moves (thanks to Shame‘s penchant for full-frontal nudity), which would be the cruelest fate of all. But as TresSugar points out, Hollywood itself has a bit of a sex addiction lately, greenlighting steamy movies like Michael’s other project A Dangerous Method: He plays Carl Jung and has a love triangle with Sigmund Freud (Viggo Mortensen) and the woman who comes between them (Keira Knightley). Related posts: Post from: Crushable  |
| Cutegreggator: Dogs Who Would Rather Be Turtles Posted: 09 Sep 2011 08:29 AM PDT Dogs are great and turtles are great, so dogs who would rather be turtles are therefore extra super great. And it turns out there are a whole bunch of them! Anyone know a good plastic surgeon? Post from: Crushable  |
| Crush Links: Jay-Z Pampering Pregnant Wife Beyoncé Posted: 09 Sep 2011 07:08 AM PDT
Post from: Crushable  |
| Gallery: Surprise! Ali Lohan’s First Modeling Gig Is Inappropriately Sexual Posted: 09 Sep 2011 10:07 AM PDT The more we find out about 17-year-old Ali Lohan‘s new modeling career, the more disheartened we feel. First there were allegations of plastic surgery and extreme weight loss, and now we see that the fruit of Ali’s labors have added over-sexualization to the list of offenses.Her first job, for the jean brand PRVCY, has her looking all pouty with her midriff bared and her ass in the air. Appropriate behavior from a minor, no? Post from: Crushable  |
| This Is What Harper Seven Beckham Looks Like Posted: 09 Sep 2011 06:35 AM PDT This is what Harper Seven Beckham looks like. She is two months old and is the daughter of Victoria and David Beckham. She is a baby, and so she looks like a baby. She even has tiny little baby socks. This is what Harper Seven Beckham does not look like: Harper Seven the baby joins brothers Brooklyn, Cruz and Romeo as part of the every-expanding Beckham clan. She’s named what she’s named because Victoria has always liked the “old English” moniker Harper. Also she was born in the seventh hour of the seventh month — although seven was also her father’s soccer jersey number, so, weird? Post from: Crushable  |
(By an anthropologist.)
Big news: Sex addiction is now sexy, instead of sad! Instead of us turning away in embarrassment when David Duchovny goes to rehab, we’re eagerly waiting to see GOOP goddess Gwyneth Paltrow and our not-so-secret love Michael Fassbender playing folks who just can’t shake the habit. Sadly, they’re not in the same movie, because wouldn’t that make for just the screwiest rom-com! Gwyn’s in a support group in 12 Steps, whereas Michael’s journey is a lot grittier and lonelier in Shame. Let’s compare the two.
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