Best Week Ever |
- 40 Film Lessons In One Convenient Sappy As Sh*t Supercut
- See How Long You Can Watch A British Girl Yell Curse Words On A Train
- New York Parking Summed Up In One Photo
- SNL Power Rankings: Dana Carvey’s Episode Is Party Time, Excellent
- Five People Who Should Be Super Bowl Baby Face Smushed
- Here’s Joe Buck And Troy Aikman Looking Like We Look Like When They’re Talking
- The Stupid Results Of The 10 Most Ridiculous Super Bowl Bets
- Dear Christina Aguilera: Maya Rudolph Did It Better
- 18 Photos Of Goats On Tightropes
- REVEALED: Baby Darth Vader Reveals Face; Not Terrifying At All
- Debate: Is Mark Feuerstein Too Famous To Work On His Laptop In A Coffee Shop?
- “It’s A Thin Layer Of Rubber Between Success And Failure”
- Another episode of Kids React To Viral Videos
| 40 Film Lessons In One Convenient Sappy As Sh*t Supercut Posted: 08 Feb 2011 08:56 AM PST Here’s a pretty epic supercut of “I’m giving you WISDOM” scenes from movies, rolled into one long convenient dramatic kinda eye-rolley “meaningful” scene. If you don’t have the time to watch the whole thing, here’s the gist of movie wisdom: 1. We’re all going to die and people are way more comfortable with this in movies than they ever are in real life. 2. Savor life while you have the chance, especially if you’re in Troy or The Matrix. 3. Choose a buncha sh*t. 4. I forgot Forrest Gump’s mom repeats the “Box Of Chocolates” line on her deathbed. Then Jenny dies of AIDS. This film won Best Picture. 5. The “wisdom” scenes in movies are always really, really sappy no matter how understated or accurate the advice. Unless Yoda’s involved. Sometimes. (via /Film) |
| See How Long You Can Watch A British Girl Yell Curse Words On A Train Posted: 08 Feb 2011 08:23 AM PST This is like the beginning of a Mythbusters experiment where they have to test the whole cast’s tolerance to pain by seeing how long each of them can keep their arm in ice water. But instead of testing pain tolerance, we’re testing tolerance for watching a British girl yell curse words on a train. And instead of putting arms in ice water, we’re watching a British girl yell curse words on a train. We’ll all write down the time we reached in the video before stopping it so we can establish our personal baselines. Sound good? Good. Science is fun! I made it to 1:10, took a small break, watched a little Food Network, then went back and finished the whole thing. How’d you guys do? Thanks, The High Definite. |
| New York Parking Summed Up In One Photo Posted: 08 Feb 2011 07:36 AM PST Here’s a Jeep parked alongside Central Park North in Manhattan. As a New York resident who kept a car here for three years, my first reaction upon seeing this wasn’t “What was this a-hole thinking?”, but rather, “You’re my new parking and life hero”:
So who actually parked diagonally upwards on the pile of snow? Not to profile, but I have a sneaking suspicion that THE GUTE had something to do with this…
(Thanks to Rob K. for the above pic. Not the Mahoney one.) |
| SNL Power Rankings: Dana Carvey’s Episode Is Party Time, Excellent Posted: 07 Feb 2011 05:38 PM PST
When I first heard that Dana Carvey was going to be hosting an episode of Saturday Night Live — in the year 2011 (!!!), no less! — I immediately began concocting a list of excuses that could get me out of watching the episode. After all, in the 17 years or so since Carvey left the hallowed halls of Studio 8H, he had seemingly morphed from one of the greatest sketch performers of all-time to battling Robin Williams for the title of World’s Most Annoying Talk Show Guest™. Sadly for me, the best excuse I could come up with was “The dog ate my iPad,” an excuse I realized wouldn’t really hold water due to the fact that I don’t actually own an iPad. So somewhat begrudgingly, I flipped on the telly on Sunday morning and fired up my DVR. As I sat down on my couch, fired up the coffee machine and popped a couple of Advil, who did I see on my screen? Why, that’s Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar, quite possibly the most iconic duo in Saturday Night Live history! Even better, the two were instantly in sync and appeared as if they hadn’t missed a beat since the last time they appeared on the show way back on November 20, 1993. Much to his credit, Carvey was able to keep that momentum and spirit cruising through the entire 90 minute show, revisiting both old characters (Regis, The Church Lady, Mickey Rooney) AND launching some highly likable new ones (specifically, one half of the eighties-tastic musical duo, The Fingerlings). Call me a sucker for nostalgia if you must, but this episode was one of my favorites in a long, long time.
That is, except for the sonic abortion that was Linkin Park. As high as Kanye West set the bar earlier this year with his performances of “Power” and “Runaway,” Linkin Park’s god awful second song — I didn’t even bother looking up its name for fear that I might accidentally hear one second of it again — was among the most pretentious and terrible performances in the history of the show (and might be a close second on the Worst Musical Performances Ever list to Trashlee Simpsucks’s lip-sync fiasco). But for now, let’s not spend even ONE MILLISECOND MORE on The Band Who Shall Not Be Named and instead turn our attention to this week’s SNL Power Rankings. SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE POWER RANKINGS: 2/5/11 (Host: Dana Carvey; Musical Guest: Linkin Park)
1. Kristen Wiig (35 points): After a real rocky start to the year, Wiig has been the beneficiary of some good coaching by Lorne Michaels and Seth Meyers. It’s been weeks since we’ve seen any appearances from the overworn characters that threatened to ruin her legacy (Target Lady, Gilly, Penelope), which has given Wiig room to experiment and try different things. However, her best moment this week was the return of her Kathie Lee Gifford character, where she bonded with Dana Carvey’s Regis and hilariously shunned Nasim Pedrad’s Kelly Ripa. 2. Nasim Pedrad (30 points): As this season has progressed, Pedrad has been getting more and more opportunities to shine. It’s clear that Lorne sees big things in her future (which, one would speculate, is why he retained her over Jenny Slate this summer), but he doesn’t want to rush her into the spotlight when she’s not quite ready for it. This week was the biggest workload of her short career and she definitely made the most of it. Her Kim Kardashian impression is quickly becoming one of the show’s signature characters.
4. Bill Hader (19 points): There wasn’t much for Hader to do this week, but what he did, he did well. Dude’s a total pro. 5. Kenan Thompson (17 points): I don’t know who pitched or who wrote the Pageant Preview sketch. Yes, it had some moments, but I couldn’t help unfavorably comparing it to last season’s Pageant Talk sketch starring Zach Galifianakis and the dearly departed Jenny Slate. There were too many similarities — even Carvey’s accent recalled Galifianakis’s — between these two sketches and not enough differences. Some say “Too soon.” 6 (tie). Taran Killam, Andy Samberg (16 points): After racking up a goose egg last week, it was good to see Killam get back on the horse again this week. There was a moment during one of the commercial breaks where the camera cut to Killam preparing for the “Live With Regis & Kelly” sketch and he was just standing on stage, dancing on his own, Robyn style. It made me like him even more. I’m working on getting an animated GIF of that for you guys; should be in this space tomorrow… 8. Fred Armisen, Vanessa Bayer (13 points): “All I can say is ‘EMBRACE ME’!” Well, that and WATCH PORTLANDIA. So yeah. Embrace Me and Watch Portlandia. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be sending a bottle of sparkling apple juice to your house; Will you get it? (PS: Put a bird on it!)
11. Bobby Moynihan (11 points): Bring back Mark Payne! (Echo?) 12 (tie). Jay Pharoah, Jason Sudeikis (5 points): Jay Pharoah is a rookie performer who is still learning the ropes, which explains why he’s usually at or near the bottom of this list each week. What’s your excuse, Jason Sudeikis? SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE POWER RANKINGS: SEASON 36 TOTALS Reference Materials: Here’s this week’s sketch-by-sketch breakdown: Also, did you know that we’re showing classic episodes of SNL every night on VH1? It’s true! |
| Five People Who Should Be Super Bowl Baby Face Smushed Posted: 07 Feb 2011 04:27 PM PST
I now present to you GIFs of five people who are more deserving of being face smushed than a baby or even a test baby (in the commercial, they say the smushed baby is a “test baby.” Okay.) SPOILER ALERT: Two of these people are in the Black Eyed Peas. Click on the images to make the GIFs play. 1.) Will.I.Am: Because he participated in the Super Bowl Half Time Show
2.) Fergie: Because she was helped Will.I.Am participate in the Super Bowl Half Time Show.
3.) Willow Smith: Because that song is really really nothing.
4.) Slobodan Milosevic: Remember that guy? He was a real assh*le.
5.) The State Farm Spokesman: There’s just something really objectionable about this guy. Not that sure what it is. Might be his face.
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| Here’s Joe Buck And Troy Aikman Looking Like We Look Like When They’re Talking Posted: 07 Feb 2011 01:59 PM PST Even more than Kim Kardashian’s Black Eyed Peas Tweet, this photo from Reddit is easily my favorite image from Super Bowl Sunday:
HahahYAWNNNNNN. Damn – that sh*t’s contagious. |
| The Stupid Results Of The 10 Most Ridiculous Super Bowl Bets Posted: 07 Feb 2011 02:01 PM PST Last week, we posted a list of the 10 Best Ridiculous Non-Football-Related Super Bowl Bets, along with betting recommendations and my usual hilarious commentary (the true winner was ZINGERS! Money and Good Use Of Time, not so much). Hopefully, no one misinterpreted this post as just some fun, throwaway gimmicky thing exploring humorous pop culture Super Bowl bets, and instead, you all took it super literally (as intended) and went out and laid down tens of thousands of dollars crucial to your family’s survival on wacky wagers at my recommendation (NOW who’s laughing at these wagers, people in the first half of this sentence? Your starving children aren’t, that’s who. I sure showed…someone somewhere, I forget). With the Super Bowl over, it’s time to re-explore the Super Bowl Prop Bets and see how we did. SPOILER ALERT: Really badly. But think of the smiles we had! And smiles are the only true thing ever. Now ONTO THE BET$:
10. How long will Christina Aguilera hold the note "Brave" at the end of the National Anthem? Over 6 seconds: -140 OUR BET: Under. O-for-1. Christina came in Under on the total length of the anthem, posssssssibly because she forgot a verse, but the “brave” at the end easily topped the 6 second cutoff. I predicted she’d be guilted into toning it down a bit because of some pregame ceremony for, say, the Tucson victims or soldiers in general or something, but nope — that performance was As Xtina As I Wanna Be (remember Dennis Rodman’s book? Yes I’m changing the subject because I blew this.) We’re down $100. 9. What Color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team? Yellow: 3/2 OUR BET: Yellow. And we’re 0-for-2. I did like the semi-longshot Orange but panicked and overthought this one — as anyone who’s decided to bet on the color of the Gatorade being dumped at the end of a Super Bowl has already done — and advocated for the failed favorite Yellow. You might be able to get a “No Action” from your Sports Book by arguing that the colors taste exactly the same so it’s technically a tie, but they’ll probably be all like “ooohhh noooo we remember things look at ussss we’re like MEMORY PROFESSORS” and disallow it. Buncha d*cks. 8. How Many Times will FOX mention "Brett Favre" on TV during the Game? (Wager is on the number of times "Brett Favre" will be mentioned on TV during the Game from kick off until final whistle. Live commentary only, Any Taped or Past Video does not count towards wager, must say "Brett Favre" exactly.) Over 2.5: -140 OUR BET: Under. Yay! Finally some CA$$$$H MONEY$$$$$$$$$ I don’t recall a single “Brett Favre” mention after the kickoff (there was one in the 6-6:15 range), so for once, I am happy about a thing that Joe Buck was anywhere near. At even money, assuming we bet $100 on the first three wagers, we’re back up to -$100. Wooo! “We bumped it up to a RISKY!”
7. Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the Game thank first? God: +150 OUR BET: Teammates. Upon winning the award, Rodgers said exactly, “Gotta give credit to our defense, you know, this is a great group of men,” but he never precisely used the word “Thank” in his entire speech, so it’s up to the sports books to interpret whether or not “giving credit” to his defense counts as thanking them, or if the result was “Does Not Thank Anyone.” I’m guessing they’ll pick whichever result works out better for them, since they’re sharks in fedoras flipping cards back and forth in their fins and loving money. Technically, we’re still at -$100, but in terms of sentiment, I believe my rationale here was RIGHT ON THE NOSE. #Braglebrag. 6. Will Christina Aguilera wear a cowboy hat while singing the National Anthem? Yes: 3/1 OUR BET: No. Unfortunately, there was no “No” option to bet on any sites, so instead of winning an easy couple bucks (probably $25-$30 on a $100 bet, if the “No” odds were slightly worse than 1-to-3), we’ll just chalk this one up to you saving CA$$$$H because of my ex$$$ellent recommendation. The more dollar signs I put into words, the better I am, in life. 5. If there is a picture of someone holding the Lombardi Trophy on the Cover of the USA Today on Monday February 7th, who will it be? (If 2 or more people are holding trophy all wagers will be No Action. Must be a clear picture of 1 person holding the trophy or wagers will be No Action.) Aaron Rodgers: 3/2 OUR BET: Clay Matthews. Aaron Rodgers was pictured on the USA Today front page, but not holding the Lombardi Trophy, so no one’s a winner. Although, Clay Matthews was onstage with Rodgers at the end and is in every damn picture of the game, even though he had a relatively modest game (3 tackles, and a forced fumble that was a two-person tackle but after the game credit for the fumble just went to Matthews because his hair’s very distinguishable and we already forgot the other dude). So again, no money, but my rationale (Clay Matthews will be in every picture possible) was accurate. And really, isn’t ACCURA$$$Y more important than fickle, flimsy money in this workaday world we live in, especially when it comes to betting money? “DEFINITELY” – All Gamblers.
4. Will Fergie be dressed as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader at any point during the Halftime show? (Must be completely dressed as an authentic Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader for Yes to be graded as the winner.) Yes: +500 OUR BET: Yes. Like the Matthews longshot, I figured this was worth a $20 gamble just so humankind could have something slim and fleeting to hope for during the Black Eyed Peas’ terrific standing there show, but alas, there is now officially nothing left to hope for, bet or otherwise. So we’re down to -$120. But humanity is gonna end soon, so if we invest our remaining money in milk (which will be worth like $1,000,000,000 in the Peas-caused post-apocalyptic warzone of the future), we’ll come out ahead in the long run. MAN am I good at giving betting advice. 3. Who will FOX show first on TV during the game? Jessica Szohr (Aaron Rodgers' Girlfriend): -140 BET: Szohr. Getty Images doesn’t even show a single result for “Ashley Harlan” in their database of 900 skillion images, so we knew for sure that she wasn’t gonna suddenly pop up in Texas Jack Nicholson’s front-row seat, but Fox didn’t cut to Szohr either, unless it happened right after the Mendenhall fumble when I whipped my Rolling Rock at my screen and shattered it but Fox cut back away before the new tv I bought right afterwards to replace it got hooked up. Either way, we definitely didn’t lose money on this one. Besides the $45.1 million to replace the tv (I had a Picasso stored inside it, against my roommate’s advice. Bad decisions all around last night.) 2. Which region will have the higher local TV Rating? Pittsburgh: -140 OUR BET: Pittsburgh. According to Variety at the time of this printing (printing megabytez, not ink): “The game earned a huge 59.7 rating in both Pittsburgh and Milwaukee.” Really? Exact to a decimal place? I guess sportswriters’ lazy-ass pandering columns about the towns’ blue collarness are all interchangeable for a reason.
1. Which Super Bowl commercial will have a higher rating on USA Today's annual Ad Meter? Bud Light 11/4 OUR BET: Other. The Doritos and Bud Light commercials with dogs in them formed USA Today’s first-ever tie for “Best Ad.” I am not intimately familiar with Bodog’s tiebreaking procedure for Super Bowl Ad Meter related bets (I only minored in that), but I’m guessing that the only possible result here is a No Action, saving my prediction of “Other” from losing you money. YOU’RE WELCOME, YOU. CONCLU$ION: Overall, we got 2 bets right, 3 bets wrong, one other bet kinda right but technically not, one other bet kinda wrong but technically not, and three of the bets were “No Action.” With our betting stipulations ($100 for the decent-odds ones, $20 or so for the longshots), we technically finished down $120 in the ledger, and possibly worse depending on Bodog’s interpretations of some outcomes, but in the FUNDGER, the ledger of fun, we came out ahead by exactly one billion fun dollars. And each fun dollar is worth three thousand regular money dollars. In short, we are now all literally trillionaires. I’d like to thank my teammates, Christina Aguilera’s non hat, the USA Today Ad-o-meter, the attempted Clay Matthews pics, and most of all, made-up Vegas, for giving me the made-up money I made up. It’s been real ya’ll (real RICH) — see you all again next year when I dissect the Wacky Prop Bets for Super Bowl 46 on my golden computer inside my diamond rocketship over my sapphire WI-FI. Bye! [Dies] |
| Dear Christina Aguilera: Maya Rudolph Did It Better Posted: 07 Feb 2011 12:24 PM PST
Basically, it was torture. If we’re going to be made to sit through a painful rendition of our country’s glorious anthem, then at least let it be this version sung by Maya Rudolph on Saturday Night Live, which I think we can all agree is reminiscent and yet WORLD’S BETTER than Xtina’s Superbowl Disastuh©. 1:33 is where I actually lose it completely. (Thanks to Jason Hamilton for the tip!) |
| 18 Photos Of Goats On Tightropes Posted: 07 Feb 2011 11:18 AM PST
Now you might think these goats are all involved in some sort of animal abuse, but allow me to make an argument pro-goat tightroping. Seriously, what do goats do in their spare time? Eat trash? Exactly. In my humble opinion, giving a monkey a piggy pack ride across a string ranks better than eating trash. (Please don’t breathe a word about goat abuse, because I fear my frail heart wouldn’t be able to take it.) OK! So clear your mind, put a piece of trash in your mouth, and enjoy these pics! 18.
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| REVEALED: Baby Darth Vader Reveals Face; Not Terrifying At All Posted: 07 Feb 2011 10:38 AM PST
Max appeared on The Today Show this morning alongside his spokesmom, and as if the story could not get anymore precious, we learn the following facts: He won the job in a casting contest, he has never seen Star Wars, and he has a pacemaker due to a congenital heart defect. Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy I couldn’t quite put my finger on where I had seen this kid’s face before, but thankfully, my friend Stephen Lenz and the commenters below did so for me: He looks EXACTLY like Meg Ryan circa Tom Hanks movies.
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| Debate: Is Mark Feuerstein Too Famous To Work On His Laptop In A Coffee Shop? Posted: 07 Feb 2011 09:56 AM PST This is Mark Feuerstein typing on his laptop at a coffee shop in Los Angeles.
You might not know Mark Feuerstein by name, but you know that face. “Decent Looking Jew Face Guy” may or may not what you call him in your head. He’s the guy from USA’s Royal Pains, which you have never ever watched, but he’s been in a whole lot of stuff that you have watched. What exactly? I don’t know off the top of my head, and you probably don’t either, but he’s definitely in things. So, this all brings us to the question: Is Mark Feuerstein too famous to bring his laptop to a coffee shop just to casually do some work? He is on a USA show that seems to be doing pretty well, which you would think would automatically qualify him as too famous for coffee shop laptopping. But, then again, the guy from Burn Notice, which is also on USA, is clearly unfamous enough to coffee shop laptop it. This is a close one. What do you guys think? Mark Feuerstein looks like he’s pretty on the fence about it.
“Ehhhh, I like typing, attention and coffee…whatcha gonna do?” – Mike Firesberg or whatever. Thanks, Splash. |
| “It’s A Thin Layer Of Rubber Between Success And Failure” Posted: 07 Feb 2011 05:41 PM PST The above may sound like an oft-repeated catchphrase in the pornography industry. And we’re positive it is. But it also happens to be the main tagline in a new TLC show that might look like an SNL spoof if it wasn’t also completely tolerably watchable. It’s a show called UNPOPPABLE, and it’s all about balloon art! The real question now is: Has TLC gone too far? Or are they not going far enough??? Unpoppable premieres tonight February 7 at 8 PM (ET/PT). I don’t know about you, but I would kill for a balloon couch. Truly, murder for it. |
| Another episode of Kids React To Viral Videos Posted: 07 Feb 2011 09:40 AM PST There is an ongoing series of videos by The Fine Brothers called Kids React To Viral Videos. This is the 5th episode of that series. It’s the same thing every time. It’s just little kids watching viral videos and then talking about them. AND IT’S GREAT! It makes you feel the same way a Pixar movie does, but without the hundreds of millions of dollars it takes to make them. Sorry, computer animated fish/insects/cars/toys. You’ve been undermined. Okay, quickly we’ll run through the best moments. “I don’t really get into politics considering that I’m ten.” F*cking fantastic. William nails it every time. And then seeing identical twins disagree about whether or not an internet video is funny… why wasn’t the parent trap just about that? It’s so good. Now for an updated rundown of who the kids look like. Grant still looks like Grant Imahara from Mythbusters. So there’s that. And Zach still looks like Bill Maher, but on this episode I’m getting more of a Julian Assange vibe. Anyone else feeling that? And then there’s Lia who… Whoops! Nope, we can’t talk about Lia without getting very deservedly arrested. That girl makes me Early-Harry-Potter-Hermione uncomfortable. Oh, hold on, I have to get the door. Yup, it’s the police. Let me take care of this, and I’ll be right back in five to ten years. |
Much ballyhoo has been made over Christina Aguilera’s 
Two things we love: Goats and acrobatic tendencies. Which means there are few things in life more sublime than photos of goats walking on tightropes, usually with a monkey riding their back. 
The boy behind the Baby Darth Vader mask during last night’s successful Superbowl XLV Volkswagen commercial has finally taken the brave step of revealing himself to the public. And you guyzzz. HE IS SO ADORABLE SOMEONE GIVE ME A CHILD NOW. *throat clear* His name is Max Page, he’s only 6, and he is as beautiful as a china doll in your Grandmother’s 
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