Saturday, December 18, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Did Nicole Richie Marry An Elephant?

Posted: 17 Dec 2010 03:36 PM PST

Hmm. Judging by this photo? Yes. Yes she did.

Jezebel has more photos of Nicole’s amazing Marchesa gown that I would like to buy 3 of and stitch into a wedding gown that would actually go around my body.

MY MOTHER RECAPS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES: She’s Not Medium, She’s Extra-Small

Posted: 17 Dec 2010 03:44 PM PST

It’s been an awfully long time since we’ve checked in with my dear mother Judy Collins about any of the Real Housewives franchise. But last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills starring Taylor Armstrong, Lisa VanderPump, Kyle Richards, Kim Richards, Camille Grammer, and Adrienne Maloof , was a 911 Emergency Phone Call To Mom Situation. The ladies, who have seen their share of in-fighting, were all invited to Camille’s house for a dinner party. Only, their dinner was an appletini and it was served to them in a trough.

But what’s this?? A real-life celebrity was joining them!! No, not the (ex-)wife of Kelsey Grammer!! It’s Allison Dubois, the “psychic” who “helps” the police find lost children. (Only, she doesn’t.) Still don’t know who she is? Well, maybe you’ve heard of a little actress named PATRICIA ARQUETTE star of the now-canceled MEDIUM? I thought so. *Smug Puffing On Fake Ciggarette* The woman is clearly mentally ill, perhaps the only person on Earth sicker than Camille herself, so you know the fireworks were about to ‘splode at this here dinner party.

And ‘splode they did, in the most spec-tacky-ular way possible. Here is a clip of the entire amazing fight. Allison – dare I say now the most hated woman in America? – arguing with Kyle, who is pretty much great and loved and has a hot husband (important):

“I can tell you when she will die and what will happen to her family. I love that about me.” — Allison Dubois, who should probably just be buried alive. Yes.

Clearly in a state of total Real Housewives panic, I rang up Mother, who was all too eager to let her opinions of these women be known:

“Oh my God. Let me tell you who I think of ALL the Housewives, and I include Teresa in this, is dumber than a doornail: It’s gotta be Camille. No, this girl is an empty shell. No, really, an empty shell. I mean, she’s a pretty girl, but the way she is so phony, so demure, “Hee hee hoo hoo,” what is that? How could that guy (Kelsey Grammer) even have dated her?! He’s such a great guy. Ok, I don’t know “great,” but he’s a good actor. He’s got a little oomph, compared to her, she’s like a dead fart.

So she is the one that started with Faye Resnick. But the funny thing is, Camille was in Playboy too. So I’m not getting it exactly. You know, if I’m such a righteous person and say “Oh my God, you spread your legs for Playboy?” But if I spread them too, what’s the point?? (Ed. Note: This is my Mother talking, I mean, kill me.) No, excuse me, I’m really upset.

And the second dummy assh*le is that Kim girl. I mean, I feel bad for her children. You have to know she is stupid. I mean, I’m sorry, certain things you can hide but this, this you can definitely not hide. I like Lisa, even Taylor, whatever, for Taylor go get involved even… she has to know that Kim is dumb. Let her talk and laugh! You answer back? To what? A rat? I’m glad they shunned Kim. They let her go home, drive her two hours out of the way, and then ignored her calls. You could see the nausea in Kyle’s face, she wouldn’t pick up the phone, and that’s her own f*ckin’ sister.”

BUT MOM, WHAT ABOUT THE MEDIUM

“The Medium. Well you know. She is a freak of nature. That was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen or met (Ed. Note: Met?) and to be honest, I can see where this stupid Camille would be friends with someone like that. She’s the Medium? Who gives a sh*t, I don’t watch that show and nobody else watches it. You know she’s not the medium, she’s the extra-small.”

Let’s take a break from my Mom’s recap to look at yet more evidence that “The Medium” is a psycho-monster sent back in time to murder our senses with her terribleness:

Aaaaaand we’re back. I tell my Mother that the show is canceled and that Camille’s production company with Kelsey produced it.

“Good, I’m glad it’s canceled. And Kelsey should have nothing to do with this f*ckin assh*le. I never understood how all of a sudden their divorce came about, but I can understand it now. I can see why he’s had it. “I don’t know, do I want to move to New York?” She’s an assh*le. But that house is gorgeous, kos omak, how does an assh*le like this get into this kinda house. That’s what I wanna know. I’m serious.

The minute that that started, I would have walked away. That’s just me.”

(I explain that they can’t just walk away, as the cameras are there.)

“I understand, but in normal circumstances, you don’t stay, you see you’re dealing with freaks. The Medium girl really looked like the Wicked Witch of the West. She was ugly and scary and you know, you can’t reason with people like that. They scare me. That’s like a scary thing, her looks, her, uch, I would have gotten up from that f*ckin’ thing and walked. Show, no show, let the cameras follow me to the Polo Lounge. I would have loved to have seen it.

But seriously this Camille makes Teresa sound like a Harvard professor. I just cant get over these women.”

Those of you that didn’t faint from cardiac arrest as the result of injustice in this world, what did you think of one of the greatest fights in Real Housewives history?? Also, can we agree this was a fantastic episode? Yes.

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Orchestra-Only “I Am The Walrus” Re-Proves Beatles Were Best At Everything

Posted: 17 Dec 2010 02:31 PM PST

Beatles, you’ve done it again! Well, you haven’t, but some person who isolated the orchestra tracks from “I Am The Walrus” has done it. So technically you did do it, but then this internet person did a different “it” so we could hear it (your thing). Either way, “it” has clearly been done, and it is awesome.

Here it is – “I Am The Walrus”, only the orchestra parts:

(@Fredorrarci, via @freedarko)

Here’s The Perfect Song Romantic Song To Send The Blow-Up Doll You Love

Posted: 17 Dec 2010 04:22 PM PST

Australian (but famous in England) comedian and musician Tim Minchin has written what I’m going to consider the most romantic and finest love song to a blow-up doll ever written. It’s called “Inflatable You,” and is not only the catchiest damn song we’ve heard in weeks, it is also written with a giant quill made up of GENIUS RHYMES. Sure, he sort of looks like a ginger Russell Brand, but for whatever reason – perhaps sheer talent – comes off as a million times more likable.

Language is SFW, but barely.

Now seems as good a time as any to remind all of you about my Real Doll twin, Nika, from a few years back.

As quoted in my post from 2008:

Meet Nika, My Real Doll Twin. (A side-by-side of Nika compared to me at work today, mouth agape and all… forgive me, I left my whore's lipstain at home.) I can't tell if I'm flattered that there would be a sex doll bearing my same face, or pissed that some idiot is paying $10,000 to roll a veritable corpse around on an office chair, when I'm sitting right here waiting by the phone!

On the bright side… I totally have a headshot now!

Oh, and for those of you noticing the size of my forehead, good news! I got bangs. Hooray! (Photo of @michcoll and @swalks courtesy of sh*tty Blackberry and drunken model poses.)

Ozzie Guillen Wants To Sell You His F***ing Christmas Nipples

Posted: 17 Dec 2010 12:46 PM PST

Here’s a video of Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen in an amazing Christmas sweater trying to sell a ticket package, mangling every sentence, playing with a bobblehead, rubbing his nipples, and (obviously) saying the F-word the whole time.

If someone told me this was actually somehow a Tim and Eric sketch, I’d only be surprised because it almost seems too perfect (click the pic to play):

Dog In Stroller Revives My Dream To Give Birth To A Puppy

Posted: 17 Dec 2010 11:25 AM PST

I meannnnn…. how is this thing even real? Here is a baby Husky in Bucharest, Romania, who will clearly never learn how to walk in the most adorable way possible. I mean really, seeing this puppy being pushed around like a helpless infant has only further strengthened my dream to one day delivery a litter of puppies.

The only thing that could top this? HUSKY ON A SEGWAY:

Shopped!!!1!

(Gawker via AP)

Most Addictive Thing Of 2010: Google’s Ngram Viewer

Posted: 17 Dec 2010 11:06 AM PST

Google digitized 500 billion words into one giant database and now you can go to their Google Books Ngram Viewer and search any words or phrases and it’ll graph how frequently those words appeared in books from 1500 to 2008. It is the best thing I’ve seen on the internet in a very, very long time.

Just try it. There’s no time to explain more, I’m too busy typing in really stupid combinations and giggling:

Come across any particularly awesome results? Leave them in the comments. I’ll read them in 6 years when I get tired of playing with this.
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