Cele|bitchy |
- Hot Guy Friday: All I Want For Christmas Is Dong
- Is Ryan Reynolds pushing stories to make himself into “the victim”?
- Does anyone else think that Julian Assange is kind-of sexy?
- Did Gwyneth Paltrow Botox the hell out of her face?
- Colin Farrell calls rehab ‘lovely,’ tells us to take sex tapes with us after a breakup
- Olivia Wilde’s prince husband gets “turned on” when she kisses other guys
- Angelina Jolie in Madrid, full skirt & beaded tank: tragic or lovely?
- Tony Romo got engaged too - is Jessica Simpson climbing the walls yet?
- Real Housewives of Beverly Hills epic fight: Camille’s friends are nastier than she is
- Christina Aguilera’s hot pink Ferretti: the best she’s looked in a while?
| Hot Guy Friday: All I Want For Christmas Is Dong Posted: 17 Dec 2010 08:48 AM PST FROM THE DESK OF CLIVE OWEN: Hello, darlings. I'm tired of being ignored by you dirty, dirty bitches. You need a good spanking. Of course, I'll give you a moment. Your tits look great today, by the way. Need another moment? I'll wait… by the way, I love your shoes, too. Why don't you tell me about them? Anyway, like I was saying, I've been ignored or pushed to the side or relegated to "Hot Dong Dessert" like a smoldering afterthought for too long. What does David Sodding Gandy have that I don't? Let me tell you something… Alexander Skarsgard would rather spend time with The Bos than melting your drawers. And don't even get me started on that Gerard Butler bloke. He smells like wet dog and cheese. Why would you waste your time on these men who never think of you, who never stop what they are doing to drop you a line? So that's why I have named myself the "headlining" Hot Guy of this, the high holy day of hotness, Friday. I'm doing it for you, my lady loves. Because I care. And because I've got a new pair of handcuffs, and I need to check the size. On you. I've selected a few tasty little Clive morsels for you to suck on (just give them a little tug… gently!) this Friday. I hope you enjoy them. I know I will enjoy thinking about your face while you look at me… Okay, this is Kaiser! I’m taking over from Clive. Wow, we should really hire him as a guest editor, RIGHT? Well, I have to tell you something horrible - our HGF will be short but sweet. Christmas is coming up, and the best gift you could give me (besides Hamm Dong) is the knowledge that you will not be devastated by a less than extravagant Dong Buffet. That being said, CB and I are trying to honor requests and still bring The Hotness, as we do every week. I’m just saying, please don’t yell at me! Okay, now, I usually put David Gandy (or David “Sodding” Gandy as Clive would say) at the end of the post, as our collective Hot Dong Dessert. But this week was rough, and we’ve got some not-so-great requests coming up, so I feel like Gandy needs to be part of our appetizer, right? We need more Gandy in our lives. Must. Have. GANDY DONG. Okay, I almost made Paul Bettany the headliner Hot Guy this week, because His Royal Corpsey Hotness is my latest obsession. I know it's the week for everyone to bash The Tourist, but seeing Paul Bettany in it was worth the money. So I looked up some older photos of him… and I'm in love. Like, serious obsession-love. Sigh… corpsey ginger hotness. All I want for Christmas is Hamm Dong. Seriously. Wrap it up and put it under the tree. I don't get the Charlie Hunnam thing, but we get so many requests for him. I hope this soothes the Hunnam-heads, because I just can't with him. He reminds me of that meathead Sam Worthington - all goony faces and thick necks. Ugh. But, you know, I love Gerard Butler, so what do I know? Honestly, the photos of Idris Elba in sunglasses and a suit is enough to finish me off. But the other photo of him telling me that vagina is A-OK? Gold. I apologize, I need some of my beloved Fassbender. Sweet Jesus, this man. We got an email from a very disturbed reader with some very odd requests. Is that harsh? Wait until you see the dudes she requested. And before you yell at me and start bitching about how I shouldn't put EVERY request in - look, what do I know? If one of you bitches is rubbing one out to Simon Pegg, I'm not judging. Okay, yes, I AM judging, but as I've said, what do I know? She took the time to not only rub one out for Simon Pegg, she took the time to email a request. So here you go. *barf* And she also requested this Arnold Vosloo guy… wasn't he the bad guy in The Mummy series? Why do you bitches get all hot and bothered for these freaky men, seriously? Someone else requested Kim Coates. So… we know this person loves men who enjoy walks on the beach, playing with road kill, and some light serial killing. When her neighbors find her body, they will say things like "Her boyfriend was so quiet, but all of the neighborhood cats kept disappearin'." Desmond Harrington, from Dexter. I have no idea if Desmond has that adorable little New York accent in real life, but it's charming on Dexter. I also love his crooked teeth. He's a cutie. A request for a little Robert Carlyle… who is a wonderful, talented man, but completely average looking in my opinion. Some requests for Gabriel Byrne - very nice. I was obsessed with him during my era when I watched The Usual Suspects once a week. Christopher Egan, by request: Here’s someone I don’t think we’ve ever done before - Irish actor Jason O’Mara. I first saw him with his re-occurring role as a pyromaniac murderer on The Closer, but he’s quite well-known in Ireland and the UK. He’s also… how should I say it?… absolutely, soul-crushingly adorable. Like, hot and cute and sexy and wholesome all at once. God, I love Diego Luna. I just think he’s adorable. And for a short guy, he’s incredibly sexy, like… he tries extra hard, you know? Also, I swear, in some of these pics he looks like a young Johnny Depp. By guest HGF specialist, Celebitchy: Usher! Kaiser says he’s creepy, and we know his drama with his freaky ex wife, but that also tells us that he has a love/hate relationship with older bossy bitches that could lead to some hot sex for those of us who fall in that category. Plus, he really won me over during his guest mentoring stint on American Idol. This is one confident massively successful man. By CB: Norman Reedus from Walking Dead, by request. He’s Kaiser’s type for sure. His character is really growing on me and I hope he gets more of a central role next season. In these red carpet photos he looks endearingly out of place. By CB: Jason Statham! I’ve sat through several ridiculous action movies just to gape at this beautiful man. I know we’ve featured him before, (ok three times, I just checked - thanks Kaiser!) but he’s a repeat performance. Plus this first photo is making me cross my legs hard. In the second one he’s showing you where to sit. By CB: Nelsan Ellis from True Blood! We’ve done him once before, but some of you wondered why we didn’t include him in the “supernatural” HGF last week. I was going for a ’supes’ theme and Ellis plays a mortal, but it was still an oversight. This guy plays a gay character so convincingly that the top searches for his name in Google all have to do with his sexual preference. By CB: Milo Ventimiglia. I know he had the misfortune of dating Hayden what’s her face for a while, but he got out in time to preserve his hotness. There’s something very dashing about this guy. Although he clocks in a bit short for me at 5′9″, I would overlook it. By CB: Ryan Phillippe. Yes, the douche factor is high with this one but the guy has a great body, beautiful eyes, and have you seen his house? By CB: Kevin Alejandro plays Lafayette’s boyfriend on True Blood. Also a very talented actor and so easy on the eyes. By CB: Benjamin McKenzie was heralded as the new Russell Crowe when he made his debut on The O.C. That hasn’t panned out for him yet, but many of you say he’s excellent on Southland. I loved him on The O.C. and appreciate this tasty request. By CB: Nick Cannon. Yes he’s Mariah’s lapdog and he picks bitch fights with Eminem constantly, but I love how devoted he is to his wife, and how it seems like he’s grown so much since marrying her. He’s an attractive guy and a loyal husband and you can tell he can’t wait to be a dad. I like him bald too! Back to me (Kaiser!) now: Since we have new photos of Garrett Hedlund and his leopard-print vagina, let’s use them! Quite honestly, I find this boy adorable. He kind of reminds me of a young Josh Hartnett. Peter Sarsgaard, by request. Confession: I find him hot too. I know I was yelling at that woman who requested the serial killer, so it’s hypocritical of me to admit my love for Peter, who, let’s face it, looks like he plays with dead things too. But he’s hypnotic. Jesus, Colin Farrell has been looking so good lately. I always want him to bone me, but his recent cleanliness and sharp dressing has added a new element into the mix: I now want to lick him. All over. Also: the first pic is Colin’s “O-face”. You know it. Mm… Ewan McGregor. Just a touch. That’s all I need. It’s like he’s asking my vagina if she wants a drink. Matthew Goode, by request. I do think he’s pretty, but I also think he’s a terrible a–hole. I’ve read his interviews. He’s a douche. Why is it always the pretty ones? Harry Shum Jr., by request. I just don’t want anyone to think that I’m into barely legal Asian boys. And here is your Hot Dong Dessert. I’m doing another hodge-podge of hotness… Photos courtesy of Fame, WENN, Vogue, Vanity Fair, GQ, Details, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, Google Images.      |
| Is Ryan Reynolds pushing stories to make himself into “the victim”? Posted: 17 Dec 2010 08:44 AM PST I kind of don't care about this story, but I guess it's newsworthy. Us Weekly reports that just days before Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds announced their split, ScarJo was seen leaving their apartment building in a huff, screaming into her phone that someone was a "jerk". Was she yelling at Ryan, or about Ryan? I'm really beginning to wonder if the strange she-wanted-the-divorce/he-wanted-babies stories this past week are just the tip of the iceberg. While I would tend to think that ScarJo was the one with a side piece (to my mind, she just has more options), I'm now beginning to wonder if Ryan was the one with a wandering eye (Blake Lively?). I think it's just a general feeling I'm getting from the way "sources" and "friends close to the couple" are talking to the press.
[From Us Weekly] Meanwhile, People Magazine published another suspiciously pro-Ryan piece yesterday, with the quoted, unnamed sources saying that ScarJo was "feeling the strain" of being married, and Ryan felt "at first it was … let’s fix this… And then it got to the point where it was just, if it’s not working, it’s not working. He’s an adult, and he finally just said they should stop.” Also: the "source" makes another reference to ScarJo being "young" - “She’s young, and that played into how she’s able to deal with things." Ouch. So, in the end, Ryan was just too MATURE for ScarJo, right? And that's why his team is leaking these quotes to People. Because he's so mature. Oh, and he's "sad" - says the source. Someone really wants to paint themselves as the victim, don't they?    |
| Does anyone else think that Julian Assange is kind-of sexy? Posted: 17 Dec 2010 08:04 AM PST This morning, the first thing I watched on television was Matt Lauer's interview with Julian Assange (below). Assange, the founder of Wikileaks, has been released on bail in the UK, and he's under "house arrest" at an English country estate (mansion), and he's taken to the airwaves to proclaim his innocence and slam what he calls the international "smear campaign." Now, I've been following the Assange situation, and I have mixed feelings about Assange as a man and as a "defender" of transparent government, and the politics of the whole situation. I'm not really going to get into all of that, because this site if for mostly superficial things, and at the end of the day, I'm a pretty superficial person (at least I can admit it!). Anyway, I have something terrible to admit. I'm kind of attracted to him. He's got that smug, smarmy, accented, quirky-nerd hot thing going on. After watching Lauer interview him, I was kind of turned on:
Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy Is he smug? Absolutely. Do I think there are some conspiracies afoot? I do, actually. Do I think he's probably a massive douche, even if he isn't the super-villain that people claim he is? Yep. So WHY am I attracted to him? Anyway - I sent the video to CB, and she assured me that she was strangely attracted to him as well. She even jokingly considered him for HGF (the horror!). Maybe we're attracted to him because he's a different kind of baller, you know? There are so many male celebrities who try to act like they're so tough and hard, and meanwhile this pale, prematurely gray nerd is the hardest baller out there. Thoughts? Photos courtesy of WENN.    |
| Did Gwyneth Paltrow Botox the hell out of her face? Posted: 17 Dec 2010 07:25 AM PST This is perhaps the question of the week, even more so than "Why does Angelina Jolie dress like supervillainess Velvet Dong Tug?" and "Is Michael C. Hall a douche to women?" Ever since many of us saw photos of Gwyneth's (allegedly) jacked, Botoxy face this week, the question has been "What the hell did Goopy do to herself?" Us Weekly even ran a mean piece online called "Did Gwyneth Paltrow Botox Her Forehead?" Anyway, I think she did. CB thinks she did. Some of you agree, some of you disagree. But a new layer has been added to the speculation! Goopy's mom Blythe Danner (Mother Goop) gave some quotes to Us Weekly that suggest, in a round-about way, that Goop did in fact get 'Toxed:
[From Us Weekly] So is Blythe defending her daughter's Botox usage, or is she just speaking in general terms? That remains to be seen. But I tend to think Goopy was 'Toxing, and that she'll probably come out with some strange defense sometime soon, probably in a Goop newsletter: "My dear friend Michelle Obama called me recently for parenting tips, and to compliment my Christmas wreath design, and she mentioned a special organic face cream that is only sold to rich people. I said, 'Oh, Michelle, are you talking about Fluffertox Diamond Cream? I've known about that for YEARS, darling. Here's the Swiss bank account number where you'll need to wire the money! They only accept Kronors.' And that's why I look this way." Photos courtesy of WENN.    |
| Colin Farrell calls rehab ‘lovely,’ tells us to take sex tapes with us after a breakup Posted: 17 Dec 2010 07:08 AM PST
[From Chatty Man interview, video above] That was one of the nicest interviews I’ve seen in a long time. Farrell was naughty, but self deprecating, genuine and so open. The guy could blow smoke in my face all night and I’d sit there and take it. He could do a lot more to me too. (Again, I blame Kaiser for getting me to think this way. As if Farrell doesn’t do a good enough job of that on his own.) Colin is shown on 12/8 and 12/13/10. Credit: WENN.com    |
| Olivia Wilde’s prince husband gets “turned on” when she kisses other guys Posted: 17 Dec 2010 06:42 AM PST Originally I thought that Oiivia Wilde was talking about being a princess AGAIN. Like she does in every interview. But she isn't. She's the cover girl for the January issue of Women's Health, and in the interview she talks about her marriage… TO A PRINCE. But if you read the excerpts carefully, she's not really going on and on (like she usually does) about how she's technically a princess.
[From Us Weekly] She seems to be toning down some of her junk, which is nice. She's not my favorite person in the world, but I don't hate her either. It would certainly be interesting if she succeeded in transitioning from television to film… although I'm not sure if that's going to happen with her roles in Tron: Legacy and Aliens Versus Cowboys or whatever. We'll see.    |
| Angelina Jolie in Madrid, full skirt & beaded tank: tragic or lovely? Posted: 17 Dec 2010 06:14 AM PST Do you ever get the feeling that both Brad and Angelina are equally unimpressed with each other's fashion sense? It just seems like Angelina is shooting Brad a look of "Really? Those BAGGY LEATHER PANTS again, bitch?" And Brad is looking at Angelina like "Jesus Christ, VELVET AGAIN, slut?" So last night was the big Madrid premiere of The Tourist. Once again, Brangelina walked the red carpet together, and once again, there was another fashion emergency. Angelina's dress is Atelier Versace… usually I think the Jolie + Versace combo is wonderful, but this just sucks balls. It looks like she's wearing two different dresses together. Like she put on a spaghetti-strapped little sparkly number and said to herself "I'm cold, so I'll cover it with this gigantic black velvet skirt too!" If she had gone for either - all black velvet or all neutral sparkle - it would have been much better, in my opinion. Although she's just not a ball gown kind of person, I don't think. And the velvet… I can take in small doses. The skirt is just Gone With the Wind, though. And Johnny Depp continues to be an afterthought. He's just like "Yeah, whatever, those bitches can never rock the hankie dong sheath." One last thing - it's probably just the hideous damn skirt, but does anyone else think Jolie looks like she has a little baby bump? Discuss. Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN.    |
| Tony Romo got engaged too - is Jessica Simpson climbing the walls yet? Posted: 17 Dec 2010 06:10 AM PST Do you hear that? That's the sound of Jessica Simpson Tofurky-flavored WAIL. Yet another one of Jessica's exes has gotten engaged! Hahahahaha. This time the ex is Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboy who dumped Jessica on her birthday last year, after dating for less than two years. Joe Simpson had tried to pressure Tony into marrying Jessica… which is one of the big (alleged) reasons Tony ended up dumping Jessica. Plus, you know, she was a trainwreck in that relationship, as she is most of the time. Anyway, Tony got engaged to basically the only girl he seriously dated after Jessica, Chace Crawford's little sister Candice. Candice works as a television reporter in Texas. She's also very blonde and pretty, and there are some similarities, looks-wise, between Candice and Jessica. WAIL.
[From PopEater] Since this is only interesting within the context of gossiping about Jessica Simpson, let's talk about that. Jessica has had a couple of awkward run-ins with Tony and Candice before, and she behaved slightly better than she did when she ran into Nick Lachey. Does Jessica view Tony as the one who got away? It was pretty clear that she wanted to marry Tony, in my opinion. So why didn't he want to get married… to her? He obviously did want a deeper commitment… just not to Jessica. I wonder if she just pulled the bag of Doritos under the covers this morning. Oh, and I will laugh and laugh if John Mayer announces his engagement next. That would be AMAZING.    |
| Real Housewives of Beverly Hills epic fight: Camille’s friends are nastier than she is Posted: 17 Dec 2010 06:04 AM PST
To Camille and her BFF D.D. after the ladies leave. “I don’t give a shit what [Kyle] thinks about me, she can f*ck off. I can tell you when she will die and what will happen to her family. I love that about me.” Allison to Camille “Can I say this, if any of their children disappeared, they wouldn’t be like ‘You were wrong,’ they’d be like ‘Can you help?‘ F*ck them.” I wanted to get some of those quotes out of the way because I was flabbergasted that anyone would say such cruel things, nonetheless when a camera was running. This just shows the kind of people Camille surrounds herself with. Camille’s dinner party for all the housewives was meant as a sign that she wanted to smooth things over with Kyle after their big blowout in New York. It soon became a shouting match, with Camille’s friend Allison saying incredibly mean things to Kyle and Kyle’s friend Faye Resnick (of the O.J. trial) defending her. Camille invited this drunken Allison creature and her “best friend”/paid companion D.D. to the dinner party, both of whom sat flanking her at the head of the table. Back when Camille called Kyle to invite her, Kyle explained that she already had dinner plans with Faye and asked if it was OK if she brought her along. Camille agreed, but then later accused Kyle during the dinner of bringing Faye just to defend her! This was particularly ridiculous coming from Camille, who clearly planned to bring her more combative friend, Allison, all along. Here’s some of the quotes from the night. I’ve actually pared this down as I pretty much wrote everything down. You can skip all this if it annoys you, but there are some choice quotes here.
[From RHOBH, aired 12-16-10] So basically Camille called out Faye for being in Playboy, even though Camille herself was in Playboy. Camille also called out Kyle for allegedly bringing a friend to defend her, when Camille had two friends there for that purpose and Kyle’s friend was with her because they already had plans that night. Camille, her mean ‘psychic’ buddy and her assistant snarked that Kyle’s husband was cheating on her, when we know that it was Camille’s husband who was cheating, not Kyle’s. Plus Camille promised that if anyone’s husband was cheating on them Allison would know about it. Ha! Camille is an incredibly nasty person who has somehow found even more vile women to hang out with. I don’t blame Kyle for getting mad and defending herself. I only hope that Kim and Taylor can patch things up and that they can all band together against Camille, or at least shut her out of the group entirely.    |
| Christina Aguilera’s hot pink Ferretti: the best she’s looked in a while? Posted: 17 Dec 2010 05:47 AM PST I'm trying to be nice, I really am. Which is why I'm calling it - Christina Aguilera's appearance at the Burlesque premiere in Berlin last night was one of her best showings this whole Burlesque promotional tour. Is the face still drag queen? Yep. Is the braided hair a hot mess? Yep. If this hot pink Alberta Ferretti really the best thing ever? Nope. And yet… Christina has set the bar so low for this promotional tour, that I end up thinking that this is a half-decent look for her. The color pops, and it compliments the drag queen makeup well. And Christina looks like she's having fun. Well, she looks less like a walking tragedy. I love how Cher didn't even bother to try to wear something scandalous. She's just freezing her ass off. Who is Cam Gigandet? I know he's in the movie and everything, but I feel like I should know him for something else. He's cute, whoever he is. Photos courtesy of Fame.    |
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