Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

The Real Science Behind How Women Operate

Posted: 28 Dec 2010 08:14 AM PST

This is Jay Herrod. It is not clear exactly who he is. It is safe to assume, however, that he likely has degrees in various fields including, but not limited to, sociology, women’s studies, psychology, and biology. Below, Jay Harrod will explain, essentially, how women… work.

As a male person, it is hard for me to access how accurate or inaccurate his statements about women might be, but, viscerally, they seem right on. This video comes enough time before New Years Eve so that all you single guys out there will have ample time to study it before midnight on the 31st. Did you get refrigerator box full of condoms for Christmas? No? Uh oh! You’re going to need a few thousand after you hear what this guy has to say because you are going to end up making out USING YOUR SEX PARTS.

No lady is safe from consensual sex after this video makes its way around.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

The 10 Best News Bloopers Of 2010

Posted: 26 Dec 2010 12:53 PM PST

10. Reporter Knocks Over Skateboarder



9. “Oh Helloooo”



8. Clueless Soccer Sideline Reporter



7. Woman Trips, Reporter Unfazed



6. “Soy Jizzum”


5. Penis Drawings!

CNN:

KLST San Antonio:


4. “Enjoying Penis”


3. Fox News Chyrons Author As “Holocaust Winner”

Good job, guys:


2. The “Midday Train Wreck”


1. CNN Airs Dumb and Dumber Diarrhea Clip

NATALIE PORTMAN’S FIANCE IS HOT AS SH*T: A Guide

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 03:15 PM PST

Well, what a Christmas it must have been for Natalie Portman and her beau, French ballet dancer Benjamin Millepied. Besides the fact that Natalie is topping every year end list, from “Best Actress of the Year” to “Most F*ckable,” today it was announced that the petite Portman has a baby growing inside of her. Even better? It will barely be a bastard when it’s born! Natalie and Benjamin are engaged.

Now the question on most everybody’s lips: Who is the future Mr. Portman? Well the answer is very, very satisfying.

We bring you now a post from this Spring, with an updated title: NATALIE PORTMAN’S FIANCE IS HOT AS SHIT: A Guide. Enjoy your new knowledge all over again:

From April, 2010: An item in today’s Page Six read as follows:

Natalie Portman will show her support for her new squeeze, New York City Ballet principal dancer Benjamin Millepied, by gracing the company’s spring gala with her presence Thursday. Sources say he and Portman are “very much in love.”

Hmm… a ballet dancer, eh Natalie?

You know, considering you could just about land any man on the planet, we’re a little surprised. I mean, we would have thought for sure you would go for a guy with a killer body, masculine charisma, good face, and oh my god what is happening humina humina humina no:

For those men out there wondering why THEY are not the ones wining and wining Natalie Portman, allow this “Natalie Portman’s Boyfriend Fiance Is Hot As Sh*t: A Guide” to explain why.

For starters, Benjamin Millepied is a principal dancer at New York City Ballet and, according to his Wikipedia page, “a ballet choreographer of international reputation.”

He also looks like this:

Do you look like this? Probably not.

Benjamin was born in France and began dancing at the age of 8 with his Mother.

He also has the abs of a shark. Do you have shark abs?

No, if you’re lucky, you have a ab. This is why Natalie Portman is not avoiding the lens of paparazzi while being photographed with you on the street:

Oh, one more thing: DO RAINBOWS BURST FORTH FROM YOUR PERFECTLY CARVED MARBLE CHEST?

Unlikely.

Can you look like someones hot widowed neighbor in 1978 with little to no effort?

No.

Can you pick your Mom up over your head for Mother’s Day?

Your Mother hasn’t talked to you in years.

Can you turn an average employee of the passport authority into stone with your crystal clear gaze?

Can you redefine the meaning of masculinity?

Can you make ghosts cry?

Can you do the Elaine?

Can you kiss Natalie Portman without her calling the police?

This is why you’re not dating Natalie Portman.

Follow me on Twitter.

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Natalie Portman To Star In “Black Stork”

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 01:15 PM PST

This morning, I awoke and headed over to CNN for my early morning news update. And talk about burying the lead. There, under the “Homeless Facebook Star” and above the “Abusive temperature-Controlling Husband”… do mine eyes deceive me?



Let’s take a closer look:

Double-you. Tee. Eff. Way to bury the lead, CNN. This is like the ultimate celebrity Price Is Right losing horns for millions of men around the world. Natalie Portman and her hot as ess boyfriend Benjamin Millepied are expecting a child together, and will solidify their love with a pre-birth wedding.

We are happy for Natalie and her fiance, because they are both other-worldly attractive and genuinely deserve each other. But we are even HAPPIER because this story finally gave us the opportunity to make this:

10 New Shows From 2010 That Should Have Never Been On TV

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 11:11 AM PST

1. Cup Cake Wars (Food Network)


Cupcake Wars is a Food Network show in which contestants go head to head to see who can make the best cupcakes. Basically, whoever doesn’t make a dry cupcake wins. And If you’ve ever watched the show, you for sure hate the host. But, for those of you who haven’t ever watched the show, let’s see if you can hate the host just from looking at a picture of him.

Yup! You can! And way to hop on the cupcake trend in a timely manner, Food Network. I hope Pannini Fracases is a big hit for you guys next season.

2. Teach: Tony Danza (A&E)


This A&E reality show followed Tony Danza as he attempted to teach a high school English class in Philadelphia. It was a nightmare. And while it was fascinating to watch exactly one time, is one of the worst reality shows in the history of television. There will be PhD dissertations about this show. In five years there will be students majoring in Tony Danza Self Awareness.

3. The Hasselhoffs (A&E)

The Hasselhoffs was another A&E reality show that came right on the heals of Teach: Tony Danza.  Before, when it was said that Teach: Tony Danza was “one of the worst reality shows in the history of television,” the reason it was only “one of the worst” is because The Hasselhoffs was actually the worst. Holy sh*t. If you’re skeptical about how terrible it was, feel free to download it on iTunes and do your own research. (But, seriously, don’t because you’ll die.)

4. Sh*t My Dad Says (CBS)

Sh*t My Dad Puts On TV – Current working title for the documentary the producer’s son is working on.

5. Rubicon (AMC)


This AMC show actually began with a really promising pilot episode. It set up all these mysteries, and you ended up with all these questions. “We’ve got to get to the bottom of this conspiracy!” we all yelled. And then no questions were answered for the rest of the season. In fact, it was straight up boring. Was the conspiracy supposed to be that nothing ever happened? Good conspiracy, Rubicon! The only mystery they ever figured out on the whole show was because a 60 year old recluse happened to remember the exact day in history that somebody called Ty Cobb the n-word. What the f*ck?

6. Mike And Molly (CBS)


Apparently the original title, King Of Queens But The Wife Is Also Fat, didn’t test well with focus groups.

Here is a real live fun quote from a person who auditioned for Mike and Molly (the person will remain anonymous upon request): “Oh, yeah. I auditioned for Mike and Molly… not to be confused with Mike O’Malley.” Mega-sweet Mike O’Malley reference.

7.) Outsourced (NBC)

This is the NBC show about a guy who moves to India to keep his job. But get this. He doesn’t know anything about India LOLOLOL! Himanshu Suri of Das Racist summed it up best.

“What 20-something, college-educated American professional who would head to India before looking for a new job hasn't ever had Indian food? At one point the main character identifies a dish as "yellow and green stuff". You know that's Saag Paneer dude.” 

8. The Event (NBC)


This show was essentially Lost 9/11. “Get me another action drama with an airplane in the pilot. STAT!” – Every TV Executive in mid 2010

And in the second episode there was a flashback to five years ago where the main character had the exact same facial hair as he had in the present.

Get out of here, The Event.

9. Outlaw (NBC)


This is the show Dan described as “the show where Jimmy Smits puts his finger on the scale of justice.” He was right.

The show was about a Supreme Court Justice who quit to become a regular lawyer so he could be a better advocate for whatever who cares it already doesn’t make sense. That would be like if a Governor quit in the middle of a term while claiming it was to better serve the people of her state. It would never happen.

10. Lone Star (FOX)

Fox’s Lonestar was cancelled after one episode. By all accounts, it was actually a really good episode. Unfortunately they chose to let David Kieth in the cast. He was responsible for getting the show off the air solely based on him looking like Quentin Tarantino with Benjamin Button Disease.

The guy looks like an elderly baby Mr. Brown. CANCELLED!

Really Entertaining Thing: Reggie Watts On Conan

Posted: 27 Dec 2010 01:16 PM PST

It turns out Conan O’Brien‘s show on TBS is pretty good! They’re doing some really great stuff lately. First of all, there’s the Robo Rabbi. The Robo Rabbi is perfect. If you haven’t seen the Robo Rabbi go ahead and watch that now. We’ll all wait.

Second of all, Reggie Watts is becoming a regular on the show and he is wildly entertaining and fantastic to see on TV. Reggie appeared on Conan’s last show before Christmas and read a very important parable and then sang a very important song.
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