Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Usher: U Remind Me Of A Girl (Who Kicked Me In The Face)

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 08:51 AM PST

I’ve never been to an Usher concert (so many items left on my bucket list) but apparently during the sexy ballad portion of the show he invites a fan onstage to straddle him whilst he croons at her. This could not have been Usher’s idea. Maybe when he made his pact with the Devil he did not read the fine print (always read the fine print in Devil Contracts) and in exchange for millions of dollars and fans, rock hard abs and the ability to do a standing back flip (At the 3:05 mark) he has to have a fan sit on his lap for five minutes every day for the entirety of his life. And, sometimes, that fan will kick him in the face:

What has become of me? I watched the kick to the face twice and laughed heartily each time. Could my Second Hand Embarrassment Syndrome (SHES) be waning? Maybe because I don’t think that girl should be embarrassed and maybe, just maybe, Usher deserves a tiny kick in the face from time to time. I’m not advocating Usher violence, just a tiny kick-face. Keeps him on his toes. Anyway, that girl used every second of her time up there to the fullest. Brava.

Via The Daily What

Mark Zuckerberg’s Time Person Of The Year Cover Is A Sh*tty Facebook Photo

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 08:12 AM PST

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time Magazine’s “Person Of The Year” for 2010 — a defensible suggestion, if perhaps a year late — but in the ultimate ironic twist, Zuckerberg’s Person Of The Year cover photo looks like an embarrassing Facebook photo:

Hahaha! YES! Now YOU know how it feels! To be a skillionaire, sure, but now with all of us seeing a crappy photo of you!

“Time, would you mind untagging me in that cover? I look like the nerd character from an 80s high school movie about aliens.”

“Sorry Mark, now we’re even for you tagging the pic of me drunkenly giving Newsweek a raspberry in that bar even though the context was me doing a dumb Black Swan impression but now it just looks like I made out with Newsweek and my girlfriend saw it and she’s being weird.”

Christian Bale and Mark Wahlberg Sing Two Very Special Songs For You

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 07:08 AM PST

Like any other red-blooded American girl who enjoys a handsome English man with anger issues and a proclivity to lose dangerous amounts of weight for movie roles, I’ve always liked (fancied?) Christian Bale. However, since he normally seems to be either in character with an accent, or himself, but ranting, or remixed and ranting, I never really nailed down his accent. Granted, I wasn’t doing extensive research into the subject, I’m sure it would have been quite easy to hear his normal voice in any number of ways. Anyway, believe it or not, this is the first time I’ve straight out heard his accent and what? WHAT? I didn’t know it was so working class? Or is it? Michael Caine has a working class accent, yes? And I don’t think it’s a Caine. Or it is. Either way, it’s gritty. It’s the lack of the hard r. The way he says “daughter.” Is it the English equivalent of a Boston accent? Mark Wahlberg, help me out here. Oh, and the reason this video is making the rounds is because Bale sings the Powerpuff Girls song but, you know. Whatever. Best part actually comes at the end with Wahlberg’s choice of song:

Ha! Wahlberg! YES! After the jump, the recording session of “You’ve Got The Touch” from Boogie Nights.

“Do you think the bass is taking away from the vocal?” Genius.

The 7 Most Confusing Wikileaks Protest Signs

Posted: 14 Dec 2010 02:53 PM PST

Wikileaks impresario Julian Assange is currently under police custody while Swedish prosecutors appeal his “conditional bail.” In the meantime, “Free Julian” protesters have assembled worldwide, holding signs demanding Assange’s release, promoting the freedom of Wikileaks, and… some other things we can’t quite figure out.

Here’s our 7 Favorite Confusing “Free Julian Assange” Protest Signs from across Europe and Australia:


7. No To Oprah Winfrey

Wait, what was that last one? No no, after “Global Domination.”


6. Justice For Julian Drawing

I’m also hoping that an Edward Gorey character helps Julian out of that floating window.


5. Sweden Wags It’s Tail

Good luck getting internet commenters on your side when you’re messing up “Its.” While you’re at it, why not call a coincidence “ironic”?


4. Julian Assange Dacks The Rich And Powerful

Ahh, “Dacks” Australian slang for pulling someone’s pants down — I assumed it referred to some form of shocking onion. Also, I can’t believe this guy isn’t fiercely pro-establishment.


3. Down With This Sort Of Thing

Are they specifically making fun of the term “this sort of thing”? Because it really just sounds like they’ve making a very general, very polite suggestion.


2. Libertad Para Julian Assange

Can someone explain to this guy the difference between a “catchy protest sign” and an “entire novel”?


1. Merry X-Mas and a Leaky New Year

We know what you’re going for but…that’s disgusting.

Check Out A Person Taking Forever To Fit Into A Tiny Box

Posted: 14 Dec 2010 03:48 PM PST

Listen, five minutes and fifty eight seconds is long for an internet video. We all know it. And if you don’t want to invest a whole five minutes and fifty eight second in watching this video, nobody is going to blame you for that. Even if you choose to watch this video, you will no doubt find your patience challenged. But then, all of the sudden, you’re going to be like, “WHUUUUUUT?! I mean, even the beginning is a pretty big whut, but it’s a slow burn whut. The second whut is a for real, for real whut. You’re going to think the first whut of the video is what the video is about, but it’s definitely about the second whut.

The finger wave for the other person to get in the box was the second whut. Did you all get that?

Now, I don’t want to get gross here, but I’m about to get gross here. If somehow I ever walked into a weird sex party and some woman was in either of those positions yelling, “Come on! Get in here!” I wouldn’t have any idea where to stand or lay down or whatever. What I’m trying to say is that I have no idea where any of these people’s important parts are when they do what they do.

“Come on! Get in here!” – People at weird sex parties.

Thanks, Best of YouTube.

Tajazzle Promises To Give Your Vagina The Confidence It Needs

Posted: 14 Dec 2010 02:12 PM PST

By now, anyone who keeps up with the latest technologies in vagina accessorizing has heard about Vajazzling, emblazoning your mons pubis with the finest of Swarovski crystals. But have you heard of “Tajazzle”? A mysterious infomercial has popped up online about “Tajazzling,” and while it takes a good 7 minutes to get to the point, they swear it will make you feel more “confident” knowing you look, smell, and (NC-17 word, prepare yourselves) taste as good as can be. “From Pretty Woman to Glamorous Goddess” seems to be the running thing, despite the fact that 99 percent of the people in the ad are on disability for not being mentally whole.

And the acting!!! The acting is BEYOND TO DIE FOR!! Here is the video, but we’ve given you some timecodes for the best moments below:

:33: I TAJAZZLE EVERY DAY — LINE.
1:49: “And the best part is? The sparkling surprise only my lover gets to see.”
2:33: It also works on transgendered ladies, cool.
3:02: He looks thrilled.
3:36: “Whoa, busted.”
4:48: If you think the Tajazzling actresses are bad, imagine how terrible the folks placed in the background must be.
7:20!!!!!!!!! MEN CAN USE IT TOO!!!! Look at that Greek God talk about Tajazzling himself. The flavors make his wife go wild!! So do his eyebrows.
9:42: Holy sh*t this is unreal. IT ACTUALLY GETS BETTER.
12:08: This woman has felt invisible in bars AND casting sessions.
14:06: TAJAZZ HANDS!

There’s a part two out there, but do you really need to see it? You’ve already ordered 3 of them, haven’t you. Well, look at the time, my vagina has an appointment with CONFIDENCE this evening, so I must bid you goodbye. Farewell. (whisper) Tajazzle.

With thanks to the keeper of all the best net vids, Joselyn Hughes.

A Computer Named Watson Will Be A Contestant On Jeopardy

Posted: 14 Dec 2010 01:49 PM PST

It’s insane how fun the first few steps towards robot computers murdering all of us can be. I think having a computer be a contestant on Jeopardy is somewhere around step three. Steps four and five will probably still be fun too. Step six will be a little scary but might just result in the deaths of a couple of guys in lab coats. Step seven is probably where the fun stops and famous landmarks start getting blown up. But for now, let’s just enjoy step three.

From CNN:

The iconic game show announced Tuesday that it will pit Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter, its all-time most successful contestants, against “Watson,” an IBM computing system, in a series of battles next year.

The showdown, to be aired February 14-16, will feature two matches to see if a machine can compete in a contest that will require it to interpret real-language questions (or, in “Jeopardy!” parlance, answers), research them and answer quicker than the flesh-and-blood champs.

If you’re not excited about this, that’s okay. You can stop reading now and go watch a really great Jeopardy blooper. Go ahead. It’s fine. The rest of us don’t want to listen to you complain while we watch our awesome science video about Watson.

“What is scary awesome?” – Correct Jeopardy answer for this story.

Thanks yet again, The Daily What.

GET OFF GERARD DEPARDIEU’S LAWN!

Posted: 14 Dec 2010 02:33 PM PST

“Bonjour! Vous là-bas! Les enfants! Obtenez l’enfer hors de ma pelouse! Maintenant! Immédiatement! Je suis Gérard Depardieu, pour l’amour de Dieu, j’étais dans un film appelé “Mon père, ce héros”! Ne pensez même pas de jouer avec moi!” (click here for translation)

Here is Gerard at the premiere of his new film, Small World, in Brazil. He looks, sadly, like merde. Ahead, we have two more photos of Gerard looking Depardieu-ier than ever!

UPDATED TO ADD A JOKE COURTESY OF NOAH: What do you call Gerard Depardieu’s son?

Answer: Gerard De Part II

(Photos via Splash News Online)

Every Walking Dead Zombie Kill In 70 Seconds

Posted: 14 Dec 2010 12:50 PM PST

Do you love killing zombies but hate softcore shower montages, interrupting grandmas, and bitchy kid reunions? Now you can watch every zombie kill from Season 1 of The Walking Dead in one convenient really, really violent supercut!

It’s like pulling the bacon out of a bacon cheeseburger and just eating it on its own, then shooting it in its bacon head from an angle that splatters blood on the camera and briefly breaks the fourth wall but not really cause the rest of the bacon show doesn’t! But it is delicious, because it’s bacon:

(via io9)

Guy Rephrases A Bunch Of Popular Song Lyrics And It’s Alright

Posted: 14 Dec 2010 11:58 AM PST

This guy took lyrics from songs by Taio Cruz, Eminem, Cee Lo Green, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Katy Perry and changed them to be unnecessarily wordy while still conveying the same ideas. I don’t know if I would classify this as “funny” so much as I would I would call it “something I do when I’m by myself and didn’t know anybody else did.”

You cannot go into a grocery store without hearing at least one of those songs. They should do one of those Tobacco Truth commercials about THAT.

Also, that guy should get something to hang on that wall. A picture of his family, an Alf poster… something.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

Breaking Bad Doesn’t Get Golden Globe Nomination For Best Drama Because All Award Shows Are Stupid

Posted: 14 Dec 2010 11:13 AM PST

Complaining about award show nominees is as fruitless and Sisyphean as whining about traffic, or the inaccurate annual nominations of the Academy of Traffic Arts & Sciences’ Traffic Awards (the Traffies), but now that I’ve mindlessly spouted that disclaimer, I will proceed to whine about today’s Golden Globe nominees and get mad about an oversight in one category by ripping on random stupid things in other categories, which isn’t how things work but who cares because it’s easy.

The one gripe I have with the list of nominees, which overshadows every other possible oversight, is that Breaking Bad did not get nominated for Best Television Series – Drama. These 5 shows did:

Not a bad list, but this is the third straight year that Breaking Bad — which will, when all is said and done, go down as one of the best shows ever to air on television — hasn’t gotten nominated for the Best Drama Golden Globe. Check out the past two years of nominees:

2008:

Mad Men – AMC (Winner)
Dexter – Showtime
House – Fox
In Treatment – HBO
True Blood – HBO

2009:

Mad Men – AMC (Winner)
Big Love – HBO
Dexter – Showtime
House – Fox
True Blood – HBO

Oops! You know which shows aren’t better than Breaking Bad? F***ing House and f***ing True Blood. I understand the value of thoughtless “throw it on whenever” television, but come awards season, isn’t it time to start defining the actual “best” shows on television in some critical sense? Plus you’re the Foreign Press, so you’re supposed to have accents and be all high-minded — have I been listening to Ian McKellen’s acting advice this whole time for NOTHING?

This year’s Best Drama Series nominees are at least somewhat defensible, as I enjoyed both Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead, and both generated plenty of “buzz” (the industry term for “I think the internet said a thing about this thing”), but again, I’d take Season 3 of Breaking Bad over both of them, and argue that it’s at least objectively close enough to be in the frickin’ discussion one of these years. Does the show just not translate to foreign markets? Does “crystal meth” translate into French as “not a f***ing vampire”?

The likelihood of AMC snagging 3 of the 5 nominations was slim, and they likely concentrated more promotional efforts on the highly-rated Walking Dead, leaving spots open for single shows from HBO, Showtime, and…CBS. Full Disclosure: I’ve never watched The Good Wife, but I’m deciding that it sucks. Actually Viacom pays my salary, so, I don’t know, it’s great. Should be called The Great Wife.

Anyway, to make a long rant still long, Breaking Bad still hasn’t gotten a Golden Globe nomination, while these five movies all did:

What a worthless argument this has been. At least Bryan Cranston got another Best Actor nom – he’s truly as worthy of recognition as Jim Parsons from Big Bang Theory (who really knows what real nerds sound like!) and the song “There’s A Place For Us” from Chronicles Of Narnia: The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader, which is truly the Breaking Bad of songs.

ABC Family Christmas Movie Promo Makes You Want To Cancel Christmas

Posted: 14 Dec 2010 09:33 AM PST

Mario Lopez, Melissa Joan Hart, a Christmas story about kidnapping and wrongful imprisonment… Sure, let’s see what that’s all about. Here’s a promo for ABC Family’s Holiday in Handcuffs.

First, let’s give credit where credit is due. Rather than just giving Melissa Joan Hart glasses for the whole “lady is attractive but looks terrible at first” trope, they went the Cheri Oteri SNL character route.

That’s a new and unique way of doing that. Good job, Holiday in Handcuffs.

Now, onto everything else. ABC FAMILY ruined Christmas. I get that ABC Family holiday movies aren’t for me, but normally I can at least tell who they’re for. This, however, seems to be for no one at all. You can’t just pretend kidnapping at gun point is cute. FAULTY PREMISE. Christmas is cancelled everyone. Go get your gifts back from that charity you donate gifts to.

Thanks for the tip, Ashley F.
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