Thursday, December 16, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Britain’s Ugliest Dog Looks Remarkably Like Britain’s Ugliest People

Posted: 16 Dec 2010 08:59 AM PST

Meet Doug, formerly named ‘Ug,’ who is a current front runner for the rusty trash crown given to Britain’s Ugliest Dog. Doug was rescued by a local waitress who saw the partially blind pup on a local animal shelter website and immediately fell in love. Which is eerily similar to my own personal love story with Javier Bardem. But I digress.

But here’s really the question: Will this baby be crowned the World’s Ugliest Dog? And does his owner have the stage mom chops to be the World’s Ugliest Dog’s owner?

The irony is, I AM POSITIVE there are British people that look exactly like this dog. And I can say this because I’m an Anglophile with a fetish for half-blinds with unhinged jaws.

The Daily Mail has the whole adorable story, but I dare anyone in the world to find a dog uglier than this whose last name isn’t Versace. (Ohh, Versace burn! It’s been a while.)

Water For Elephants Trailer: Titanic Meets Dumbo

Posted: 16 Dec 2010 08:18 AM PST

This is the Water For Elephants trailer, starring Reese Witherspoons, Robert Pattinsons and Christoph Waltz.

“Something told me that circus picked me.” Could have easily been: “Some called it the circus of dreams. And it was, it really was!”
It is SO Titanic meets Dumbo! We’ve got “the most famous circus disaster of all time” and we’ve got elephants. We’ve also got:
Robert Pattinson in the role of Leonardo DiCaprio
Reese Witherspoon as Kate Winslet
Christoph Waltz as Billy Zane
Old Pattinson (Hal Holbrook) as Old Winslet (Gloria Stuart)
and Paul Schneider as Bill Paxton
NAILED IT

I’ve nothing against a circus Titanic reboot. But talking seriously about a circus might be too much for me. I do enjoy the Harry Potter-esque twinkly spooky soundtrack though. I mean, I’ll see it. On a plane. I will say, having recently rewatched Inglorious Basterds, Christoph Waltz is the JAM. Pattinson, obvs, hot. But something about Waltz. Scary Sexy. Love it.

Never Forget: McDonald’s Batman Forever Ads

Posted: 16 Dec 2010 07:36 AM PST

Carl’s Jr. is currently running a commercial tie-in with the movie The Green Hornet where Seth Rogen and Jay Chou try to order Carl’s Jr. but accidentally fire missles and destroy everything (that’s Ol’ Horney for ya!) You can watch the ad here. It’s fine.

The real reason I mention this ad, however, is because it got me thinking about the series of Val Kilmer McDonald’s commercials leading up to Batman Forever in the 90s, and after a few seconds of nostalgic Googling, I’ve now been laughing at these for the past half hour:

Hahahahaha – A SUPERHERO BUN. A superhero bun! Literally nothing could be farther from being a superhero or possessing superhero properties than a bun. How stupid were we back then? Answer: Mad. (Also, that drive-thru line is actually in the movie. Don’t you see? Everything has always been stupid.)

After the jump, let’s check out two more, including the unambiguously “urban” version:

Batman Forever Slow Jamz!! (Is this an ad for one of those compilation cds about fireplaces?):

This taste of the month is MAD FLY. Hear that, black guys in the 90s whom market researchers have advised us to patronizingly target? We totally understand the funky fresh burgers you want to rap!

And one more, featuring the 4 collectible glasses I definitely owned, plus an appearance by Definitely Actual Real Jim Carrey:

Good luck being half as mad fly as Batman Forever, Green Hornet. (Kidding – this will not be difficult. That movie’s barely even fly, let alone mad it.)

Children’s Choir Covers Wordless 1970′s Song. From The Soviet Union. With Masks. For Christmas.

Posted: 16 Dec 2010 08:47 AM PST

In 1976 Eduard Khil, a resident of the Soviet Union, sang a catchy tune about an American cowboy. Except, he had to sing it without the lyrics, because he knew that the government would censor him. Them’s the breaks in the Soviet Union. So he became known as the “Trololo Man” because “trololo” is the word you sing when you don’t sing words. His song, for whatever reason, became a viral hit about a year ago. It has so much re-entered the public consciousness that a choir teacher in Racine, WI (Go Racine Belles!) decided to have their school choir cover the tune for Christmas. But, you know, wearing nightmare masks. And everyone in the audience knows the not words! And the choreography! Although I find this extremely strange, I am just glad that there is something that I had NO IDEA EXISTED that clearly so many people in America consider a cultural touchstone and enjoy and celebrate and think is completely normal. It’s just nice when a not completely horrifying and terrible thing surfaces. That being said, this is insane. And sort of scary. But it’s also charming-ish. Anyway, it’s official: Obama’s totally turning us into communists. It’s entered the Heart Land. Watch.

So, yeah. The original Eduard Khil version after the jump

Also, by one comment popular demand, click for Christoph Waltz’ take on Trololo.

Via The Daily What

Jersey Shore Season 3: Back To The Beach

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 02:24 PM PST

Here it is, folks! After a crappy YouTube copy of the first look at the third season of Macaroni Rascals Jersey Shore made the internet rounds earlier today, the crack promo squad over at MTV finally released the official :30 sneak peak of The Situation, Snooki, DJ Pauly D and the other, less interesting cast members returning to their palatial estate in Sleazeside Heights this summer. First impressions? Aside from the fact that we’re now convinced that Sammi Sweetheart got a nose job, it looks like more of the same: triple kisses, drunken fights and catchphrase-friendly banter. Bonus points are awarded for turning a vuvuzela into a “grenade whistle” and rolling footage of an inebriated Snooki faceplanting into the hot Jersey sand.

SANTA ANIMAL SHOWDOWN: Pony v. Penguin

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 01:42 PM PST

VS.

Above, a pony dressed as Santa Claus courtesy of Costa Rica’s “The Horse Tailor,” an actual company that makes customized outfits for horses. The company ranks as 1 on the Forbes 1 List of Best Horse Clothing Designers. Beneath, penguins dressed up like Santa Clauses in South Korea.

Now, the real question: Which one would you rather see sliding down your chimney? Which we don’t think is a euphemism for giving birth, but either way. Our money is on PONY 500 PERCENT. We’re baking little hay bales to leave out for him Christmas Eve.

(Via Splash and Getty)

Just Another Day At The Vatican: Topless Men Do Acrobatics

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 02:14 PM PST

This video explains, for me at least, homophobia in the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church, as an entity, I’m not targeting specific Catholics, has a history of homophobia. As do many/all religions, it’s just that the Catholic Church is no exception. We all know this. But now we have a reason why: It’s because THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GAY. So, they are understandably frightened of homosexuals. They don’t know who they are and where they might be lurking. For all they know, THEY COULD BE DOING ACROBATICS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.

I don’t know if these gymnasts are gay. Nor do I care, as that does not matter. My point, I suppose, is that things that are blatantly gay-seeming to most people clearly do not register with members of the upper echelon of the Catholic Church. Or, you know, they do. Not going there. Not today. HOWEVER, it could very well be an Italian thing. Though Benedict XVI is German. Maybe it’s a European thing. We’ve all played the game, “Gay or European?” All of us. If nothing else, let’s just take this performance at face value as being flat out ridiculous, slightly uncomfortable making and containing less impressive acrobatics than one might have hoped for for a performance at The Vatican. Though it was very nice of Angelina Jolie dressed as Lara Croft to escort them out and take their jackets.

Buzzfeed

GUESS THE CELEB: Just Let Your Soul Glo

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 01:02 PM PST

We haven’t done a “Guess The Celeb” in a while, but absolutely had to with the above actor. Because, holy sh*t man, it’s like HOW ON EARTH IS THIS THE SAME MAN???

Grab a handful of hair and click ahead to find out who this is. And if you already know, click anyway to see the pics.

IT IS SAM

MOTHERF*CKING

WORTHINGTON

JESUS IN HEAVEN, What sort of Jetsonian conveyor belt shower contraption did high school era Sam Worthington stand on to become seriously the hottest mf-er on Earth? Oh, wait, was this the contraption?

Splash News Online has some other killer yearbook photos of Worthington.

Terrence Malick’s “Tree Of Life” Trailer Is One Crazy Reboot Of “The Giving Tree”

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 12:43 PM PST

Actually this has nothing to do with The Giving Tree. The kid in The Giving Tree didn’t grow up to be Sean Penn, did he? Nah, I’m thinking of Sweet and Lowdown. There’s few if any trees in that.

Anyway, here’s the trailer for the next Terrence Malick film, Tree Of Life, starring Sean Penn, Brad Pitt, and Jessica Chastain. Unfortunately, it doesn’t come out until May 27th of 2011, or whenever Malick’s secret carrier pigeon delivers the film canister to Grauman’s Theatre by cover of night then kills itself with a cyanide capsule:

Hey James Franco: This Fat Animal Video Is For You!

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 12:31 PM PST

Well, well, well. Looks like Hollywood celebrities and Golden Globe nominees are not immune to the power of fat animals on the internet. Handsome celebrity actor James Franco revealed his fat animal fetish on The Today Show while discussing his Globe nomination over the phone. It was candid and adorable and almost certainly not high at all. It’s also the first time I realized how much I have in common with James Franco: We both love obese pets, and are both the spitting image of James Dean.

Seeing as this is the holiday season, we decided to give Franco a little gift. That’s right: It’s a Franco Fat Animal Extravaganza! We certainly hope that James and all of you enjoy it.

NB: If James ever wants to make out with a mirror image of my face, just ask. Just ask. Just ask. (cartoon blink noise)

Meet Your New World Pie-Eating Champion!

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 11:56 AM PST

We have a new World Pie-Eating Champion!!! Congratulations to Neil Collier who ate a “saucer size” meat pie in 23.91 seconds, “smashing” the previous record of 35.86 seconds.

The contest took place in a pub in Wigan, England (obvs). This bit of Wigan history is the best part of the article:

Locals from the town of Wigan are known as the pie eaters after striking workers in the early 20th century general strike were the first to return to work and were said to ‘have eaten humble pie’

I LOVE that the source of their town pride is that they were scabs. Incredible. And they twist it into being good at eating pie. So good.

I was all set to link to the Stand By Me pie eating scene, then I watched it and honestly wanted to vomit myself, so we’ll just skep that one.

In other news, I want Mr. Collier’s shirt.

UK Metro

Mailman Delivers Mail Naked To Cheer Woman Up, Does Not

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 11:29 AM PST

Now this is what I call “Holiday Spirit!” Wait, what’s holiday spirit again? One sec, gonna Lycos it. Oh. Ohhhh. This story is really far off from being that, my bad:

According to reports, the 52-year-old mail carrier thought that the 21-year-old female employee at a law firm on his route “seemed to be stressed out.” When he first arrived—fully clothed—the woman mentioned that there was still some mail she’d been remiss in picking up from the firm’s post office box.

So in the spirit of the holidays the mailman returned a few minutes later with that mail, and without any of his clothes.

Shocked, the woman turned her back to the postal worker and told him, “Give me the mail and get out of here.”

The mailman attempted to apologize as he exited and then returned about 20 minutes later to apologize, though he had to do it through a closed door.

I follow that line of logic – your customer seems stressed (probably from lack of nudity) and it’s the holidays (naked time), so why don’t you (strange man) kill two birds with one wrinkly crotch and pre-emptively deliver her mail naked? It’s like a waiter refilling your drink before you have to ask, if the waiter’s d*ck were also in that glass.

If this story is indeed true — meaning, this ungrateful woman didn’t appreciate the help this cheerful 52-year-old professional was trying to offer — I’m really gonna start to question the validity of those pornographic shortform documentaries I’ve been watching online for 10 years.

The Take Me Home Tonight Trailer: Anna Faris Is Basically The Best At Life

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 10:13 AM PST

This is the trailer for the film Take Me Home Tonight, starring Topher Grace. However, let’s move beyond Toph and say that though he is not without his charms, Anna Faris is the light of this movie and so many others, as well as my life. She is just the best. So funny. Have you seen Just Friends? Her performance as a crazy pop star is a comedic tour de force. For realzies. I want her to be my best friend. Her and her husband Chris Pratt. Do they want to just, like, hang? I bet they’re super fun but also chill. Ugh. OK, the trailer, which looks good?

I mean, it’s not the most original concept of the charming but nerdy but clearly good looking guy lusting after the hot girl of his dreams (who looks so boring but also hot) over the course of a crazy night plus wacky friend who gets in a wacky sexy situation plus car crash plus Demetri Martin in a wheelchair that I’ve ever seen, but I definitely want to see it! Mostly because of Faris!

P.S. I feel like “Kyle Masterson” is the name of every rich kid who throws a party in an 80′s movie (or a movie that’s set in the 80′s). One could also replace Kyle with Tripp.

The Best Dumbest Thing Ever Made: The Ultimate John Cena Fan Video

Posted: 15 Dec 2010 12:32 PM PST

In my life, I have worked with my good friend, Joe Mande, on a number of really dumb things. The video we made last night, however, is by far the dumbest.

We painstakingly put together what surely must be The Ultimate John Cena Fan Video. You know, John Cena? The wrestler… Whatever. We don’t know much about him either. But we went ahead and made a very awesome fan video for him anyway. Get ready to think a video is the dumbest.

Ultimate John Cena Fan Video from Noah G on Vimeo.

This video can be judged a success if, and only if, it becomes so popular that John Cena actually starts using Have You Seen Her by the Chi-Lites as his ring entry song. Help us make this happen. Send this dumb video to everyone.

Sorry and thank you.
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