Best Week Ever |
- Kevin Bacon Bits: Kevin Bacon Plays His Biggest Fan
- Hugh Jackman, You’re My Puppy Saving Hero
- Plane Does Not Crash, Huffington Post Uses Opportunity For Airplane! Reference
- British Soccer Player Craps His Pants During World Cup Game
- Italian Nonna Wows Italy With “Bad Romance” Cover
- GUESS THE TATTOO: Baby’s Got Tatt
- Man Marries His Dog (AKA Don’t Even Lie That You Wouldn’t Marry Your Dog)
- Walker’s Wheelhouse: British Vacation
- Billie Joe Armstrong Joins Cast Of American Idiot For People Who Don’t Know How To Just See A F***ing Green Day Concert
- Celine Dion Is Even More Sensual In Sign Language
- Jamie Foxx Blames It On The R-R-R-R-R-Rollbacks
- True Fan Caught Masturbating In Theater During Harry Potter
| Kevin Bacon Bits: Kevin Bacon Plays His Biggest Fan Posted: 02 Dec 2010 08:04 AM PST I am INTO THIS. This is Kevin Bacon playing his biggest fan. Viral marketing just got me hook, line and sinker. Nice comedic chops, Kevin Bacon! I guess he’s doing commercials because money you lose in an enormous Ponzi Scheme doesn’t earn itself back. In other news, I want all of the Kevin Bacon portraits from that shoot. And the Kevin Bacon embroidery. And the Kevin Bacon glass. The thing I want the least is the technology Kevin Bacon is selling. I wish he had done an impression from his film, The Woodsman. (Sorry). |
| Hugh Jackman, You’re My Puppy Saving Hero Posted: 02 Dec 2010 08:57 AM PST WARNING: You should know that there’s a 99 to 100 percent chance these photos are going to obliterate you, whether you are at work, at home, or on the move. If you have a weak heart, steady yourself, recline on your fainting chaise, put your sturdy shoes on, sprawl out in front of the fire, because these photos will surely put your BPM’s over the top. OK. Here it is:
It’s Hugh Jackman, The Most Talented Man Alive©, wrapping his giant, veiny, masculine limbs around the most precious, delicate, newborn quail egg of a dog in New York City yesterday. Hugh has long been at the top of my “Most Favorite People” list, due mainly to a combination of his hotness and love for musical theater. (Still can’t figure out why I’m alone. I digress.) But cradling this tiny, warm bag of glass bones in a sweater has just rocket launched him into space as a God Among Men.
More unmissable pics ahead. Jackman just Wolverine-clawed my womb open with kindness.
I kid you not, there is nowhere I would rather be than inside this dog’s sweater while it is cradled in the lava hot arms of Hugh Jackman. How do I make this happen?
[Photo: Splash News Online] UPDATE: OMG THE DOG’S NAME IS MOCHI. HERE HE IS WITH HUGH’S DAUGHTER AVA. CUE MY HEART AS THE AMERICAN BEAUTY BAG.
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| Plane Does Not Crash, Huffington Post Uses Opportunity For Airplane! Reference Posted: 02 Dec 2010 07:40 AM PST
SCARY. No, make that SUPER SCARY. This the accompanying photo to the article:
Hilarious? Maybe this is just a subtle tribute to Leslie Nielsen, maybe I just need to lighten up, but those people were one secrete code to gain access away from plunging to their deaths. Yes, sort of similar to the plot of Airplane!. Sort of. But it should be noted that Airplane! is a fictional hilarious movie, and not real life. Though, I should really make sure that neither Kareem Abdul-Jabbar nor Peter Graves were the pilots and Robert Hays was not a passenger before I get all soapbox-y. |
| British Soccer Player Craps His Pants During World Cup Game Posted: 02 Dec 2010 07:13 AM PST Gary Lineker, a player for England’s 1990 World Cup team, recently revealed in an interview that he once pooped his pants during a World Cup match. Acting swiftly and dutifully, the internet has found the footage of Lineker’s now-public poop incident and married it with the footage of him describing it. Without further a-poo (why they pay me the big buck$, people), here is a clip of a dude literally crapping his pants in the middle of the World Cup. Between this story and the guy masturbating to Harry Potter, we’re off to a great start in our first-ever Highbrow HdecemberTM! (via Deadspin) |
| Italian Nonna Wows Italy With “Bad Romance” Cover Posted: 02 Dec 2010 06:12 AM PST Wilma De Angelis is a 79-year-old Italian television presenter who was definitely a wildcat back in the day. That freaky side of her is on full display in this clip from Italian TV of Wilma singing Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” and is helped out by use of Italy’s trademarked Austin Powers Cam. That fast zoom-in, zoom-out camera shot has been cryogenically unfrozen for this segment, and not a moment too soon. This is like the Bourne Supremacy of “Super Italian Things.” This is “Male Romanticismo.” Wilma, please, come to America and tell us your story. She’s good, but she’s no Mina. (With thanks to Kekkoz) |
| GUESS THE TATTOO: Baby’s Got Tatt Posted: 01 Dec 2010 03:07 PM PST Wow, check out this cool stummy tatt!
Can you guess the owner of this classy baby face on a flank image? Here’s a hint: It’s someone who is sort of a giant disappointment to evolution. If you guessed Teen Mom‘s Amber, congrats!!! You have probably evolved!
OH, and p.s.: Please take her baby away. Because you know she’s gonna get pregnant again, and that now “adorable” tattoo face is going to stretch and sag in ungodly ways that no child should ever see. |
| Man Marries His Dog (AKA Don’t Even Lie That You Wouldn’t Marry Your Dog) Posted: 01 Dec 2010 02:37 PM PST
A man in Australia has married his dog. Before you spit on the ground and cry in despair, you know at least 20 percent of you would also marry your pets if you could. But I digress. There is a lot to discover about this man’s journey down the aisle with his dog, so let us address the article from Australia’s “The Chronicle” bit by bit. Beginning here (all article quotes are bolded): A young Toowoomba man yesterday tied the knot with his best friend – a five-year-old labrador. You know what the weirdest thing about that sentence is? Not that a man married his dog… no, it’s “Toowoomba.” Somewhere exists a town that sounds like Elmer Fudd purchasing two vacuum robots.
In perhaps a first for the Garden City, Laurel Bank Park hosted the wedding of Joseph Guiso and Honey, a labrador he adopted five years ago. OK, let’s get back to the task here. This man is marrying his dog. And not just any dog, but an UNDERAGED DOG THAT IS ONLY 5. Unless you convert that into dog years, which makes this “puppy” a shockingly middle-aged 35 years old. In which case this man was clearly doing her a favor, as well all know no woman is still marry-able passed the age of 30.
Thirty of the couple's closest friends and family were in attendance for the emotional ceremony, held at dusk. THIRTY PEOPLE? THIRTY PEOPLE ATTENDED??? That’s more people than would have attended my Bat Mitzvah in 9th grade, which I didn’t have due to lack of 30 friends. Also, the ceremony was definitely emotional, marking the first time a dog ever cried human tears of despair. Bright side: Dusk is a great time for love.
“You're my best friend and you make every part of my day better,” Mr Guiso's vows read. I don’t doubt this is true. Moving on. The couple decided on the location – and to tie the knot – after stumbling upon a wedding in Laurel Bank Park during an afternoon walk. “I said that could be us,” Mr Guiso said. And then the dog barked. Let’s plug that bark into “Google Translate”:
“She didn't say anything so I took that as a yes.” This is. No. Me right now:
Mr Guiso said as a “religious guy”, he could no longer take the guilt of living with Honey out of wedlock.
“It's not sexual,” he assured the onlookers.
The First Lady of Cameroon remains skeptical…. “It's just pure love.” Aww…. who doesn’t love a little pure love?
The couple is planning a short honeymoon to one of Toowoomba's parks. Now, this article has hopefully made all of you laugh and/or sick to your stomach. But you know what? I bet 30 percent of you are FRONTING THE HALE OUT OF US. Because you know that if you had a choice between spending the rest of your life with your spouse or your dog, a LOT of you would say “Dog.” And some of you would even mean sexually. And you know what? This is a free country — Australia — and you can marry whoever you want!! So congrats to the happy couple.
[Photo: BuzzFeed] |
| Walker’s Wheelhouse: British Vacation Posted: 01 Dec 2010 01:34 PM PST You know how I Welcome to the first edition of Walker’s Wheelhouse! For the inaugural post I’m going to show you pictures I took on my vacation to the UK last week. You might have noticed my absence? Or not, whatever. Anyway, a few weeks ago I got my mom black out drunk and asked her if I could skip Thanksgiving. She said yes (or so I told her later), and so I bought a ticket to London so I could join my friends on tour. They’re in a band called We Are Scientists and I slept on their bus as we went from Leeds to Glasgow to Newcastle to Nottingham and finally to London. I’d just like to make the distinction up front: I was a hanger-on, not a groupie. A groupie implies some giving of sexual favors and each band member assured me, with a great deal of adamance and relief, that I did not perform any on them. Alright, let’s kick this Walker’s Wheelhouse off right! I’m going to jump ahead and present a photo from Nottingham, home of Evil Sheriffs and CELEBRITY APARTMENTS!!!!!
I put a deposit down. The lease is for five years and five million dollars.
Leeds was mostly a blur because I was running on no sleep having flown all night and instead of sleeping I watched 1/8th of Eclipse, 3/4ths of Inception and half of Toy Story 3. The rest of the flight was spent trying not to touch the arm of the dude next to me. After making my way from London to Leeds I definitely cried at the Leeds train station when I thought that I couldn’t leave the station because in England you inexplicably have to show your ticket to leave the station. They literally check it 3 times before you get on the train and on the train, but they still don’t trust you so they check it again when you leave. And if you don’t have it then you charge you again. 82 effing pounds. That’s so many pounds and so many more dollars. So, in my cracked out strung out no sleep state, I thought I had lost my ticket. When I showed the train people my receipt they said, “That proves nothing.” THEN WHAT IS THE POINT OF A RECEIPT OTHER THAN TO PROVE THE PURCHASE OF A TICKET. However, when I proceeded to break down into pathetic tears, they let me through. It helped that the lady who was in charge was a kindly matronly woman with a cute hat who took pity on my shell of a self and said, “Let this be a lesson.” Not two steps after she had let me out I put my hand into my pocket to discover my ticket. Lesson learned indeed. Lesson being that I’m a huge a-hole. Glasgow is a very metropolitan city, as evidenced by their food shoppes:
Sorry about the lack of centering/professionalism in these photos. Anyway, “Giant Hotdogs”? That’s what Kim Catrell’s character said!! I also found some really fun fan art there:
I can’t tell if that’s meant to be Mel Gibson as William Wallace or that’s just what the artist thinks William Wallace looked like. Next up, Newcastle! Home of Cheryl Cole!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can tell, because they sell these:
Also in Newcastle, the night before Interpol had performed at the venue We Are Scientists were playing at.
Some of the signs from their tour manager were still up in the backstage area. Including this one:
This is totally real and not something we made up for the sake of comedy. At all. OK, we made it up. But note the Comic Sans font! After Newcastle we drove to the aforementioned Nottingham and then We Are Scientists were all like, “Um, can you leave now?” And I was like, “But we’ve been having so much fun!” And they were like, “Seriously, you have to go.” And I was like, “But-” And then they opened up the bus door and shoved me out. Fortunately, this has happened to me before so I knew the safest way to roll out of a moving vehicle. So I hitchhiked my way to London to stay with my friend there. We spent Saturday night watching X Factor. This was one of the performances by a dude named Wagner: He got voted off. So that was my British vacation. What did I learn? I learned that for the most part, girls in Glasgow are better looking and nicer than the girls in Newcastle. Sorry, Newcastle, thems the breaks. You have Cheryl Cole, what more do you need? I learned that I like X Factor a lot more than American Idol, though I couldn’t tell you why. It’s the exact same thing. I learned that crying really does work to get you out of a jam, even though I SWEAR that I didn’t do it on purpose and I never will again, because the shame I felt was terrible. I learned that those might as well have been Interpol’s signs. I learned that English people love curry. I had it for basically every meal. And finally, I learned that watching Face Off is an excellent way to spend time on a tour bus, despite the fact that the actual movie is the worst and somehow makes the beautiful Joan Allen look terrible. Hopefully you’ll come back to my Wheelhouse. Mi Wheelhouse es su Wheelhouse. |
| Posted: 01 Dec 2010 12:36 PM PST
“Man, I really love the music of Green Day, and I’d love to see them perform live, but it just wouldn’t be the same without 20 flamboyant chorus members dressed like 90s after-school-special pot-offerers doing angry jazzhands behind them for 90 minutes. There’s got to be a better way!” – Something all of us say on a daily basis into a mirror, yelling.
Can…can that happen? Billie Joe officially joining the cast of a thing that was based on his work? Then it just becomes, like, him doing it, right? I’m confused. That’d be like the real-life Billy Elliot coming back to play himself, or the real-life Simba being let loose on the stage of Promises Promises for some reason. It’s actually not like either of these things, which aren’t even things. It’s more like if the real-life Simba just did something random and desperate and likely money-driven, and you’d be like “why do you need that money, Simba, you’re already the king?” |
| Celine Dion Is Even More Sensual In Sign Language Posted: 01 Dec 2010 11:28 AM PST I make no secret about my genuine, not-for-comedy adoration of Celine Dion, who I do believe is the most talented alien sent to our planet from Canada. She is a French Canadian Avatar, who chooses to tailrape our ears with vocal ability no other human on Earth can possibly match. But today we found that extra layer of fantasticness that can take the already great and propel it into space to make it otherworldly. She goes by the name of Sophie, and she is a sign language interpreter. She films videos of herself signing the lyrics to very famous song. Including my #1 go-to karaoke crowd please, “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.” It goes without saying that if I was a deaf person, this would be my porn. It’s like 3D MUSIC. Off to memorize every single movement in this video, “Single Ladies” style. (Thanks to Lindsey Weber for alerting me) |
| Jamie Foxx Blames It On The R-R-R-R-R-Rollbacks Posted: 01 Dec 2010 10:36 AM PST
Well, well,well, LOOK who was spotted picking up some deals and steals at an Arizona Wal-Mart. None other than comedian turned actor turned singer turned rapper Jamie Foxx. The real question: Can he see all of those deals through his shades?? Here’s a tip to you celebrities out there: Next time you want to go “undercover” at Wal-Mart, don’t dress like a celebrity. The sunglasses, the scarf, the white tee — they just SCREAM fame. You want to go undercover at Wal-Mart? Wear shorts, tape a bag of urine to your leg, and literally nobody will pay attention to your famous ass. (via People of Wal-Mart) |
| True Fan Caught Masturbating In Theater During Harry Potter Posted: 01 Dec 2010 12:43 PM PST What’s that? You’re such a big Harry Potter fan you’ve seen all the films on Thursday midnight shows dressed up as different non-on-the-nose side characters while live-Twittering the results of your “Which Hogwarts House Do You Belong To?” Facebook quiz that you intentionally re-took twice and rigged your answers to get the house you wanted? Yeah, ok, I guess that makes you a casual HP fan. But lemme ask you this: Have you ever masturbated in the theater to a Harry Potter movie?
All I’m saying is, no matter how good you think you are at something, there’s always someone out there better…
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