Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever


Every Billy Joel Hit Played Simultaneously, For Obvious Reasons

Posted: 07 Dec 2010 09:31 AM PST

Because the internet is dispassionate, completely amoral, and acts without any particular aim or purpose, someone has produced a video of every song on Billy Joel’s Greatest Hits Volume One playing simultaneously. The result sounds like the background clamor at the Billy Joel Cafe during peak lunch hour was recorded and enhanced by Phil Spector working under the tutelage of a noise demon. Meaning, great.

Embed is NSFW, because it is really loud and unpleasant and people at the OfficeCo do not like that:

(via Wonder-Tonic)

Unicow Says “Cheese” In Awkward 1st Photo

Posted: 07 Dec 2010 08:49 AM PST

People have often wished that unicorns were real. Well, you know what? Horses typically scare the hell out of me. No, you can have your unicorns. I would much rather worship at the altar of this here Unicow, whose gigantic stunning horn is belied by his adorable and delicious cow grin.

And if you think this is awkward, it’s nothing compared to Unicows birthday party…

“Why won’t anyone be my friend?”

(via Buzzfeed)

Kevin Smith Vs. An Airline: Round 2

Posted: 07 Dec 2010 08:09 AM PST

Kevin Smith is in another fight with an airline. Like the last Kevin Smith airline argument story, it’s hard to tell whose side you should be on. We need to get some people in a room to figure this out 12 Angry Men style.

Here’s a quick summary of what happened based on The Huffington Post‘s account:

1.) Kevin Smith checked in at the airport an hour before his Virgin American flight and then showed up with his wife at the gate eight minutes before departure time.

2.) The airline, claiming it was too late to seat him, refused to let him board the plane even though the plane still had it’s door open and the jetway was still attached.

3.) It turns out Kevin Smith, at the advice of Ben Affleck (okay, fine), had payed for a concierge service to escort him to the plane at the last minute to avoid the stares and gawks of the other passengers.

4.) Virgin American apologized, got him on a later flight, refunded the ticket and offered him other free tickets.

Obviously Virgin American should have let him on the plane. And obviously Kevin Smith shouldn’t hire a concierge service to escort him to the plane last minute.  So, we’ll vote on it. Who thinks everyone in this story was annoying. Guys?

Well, that solves it. Everyone was wrong.

The “Blah Blah Blah” Supercut

Posted: 07 Dec 2010 07:51 AM PST

Here’s a supercut of characters in movies saying “blah blah blah.” As much as I’m prompted to make the obvious joke that we’re running out of words and combinations of words that haven’t been made into a supercut, and what’s next, “CRAZYTHING,” this video is really fantastic.

It’s not only fantastic, it’s also concise, and wide-ranging, and funny, and blah blah blah (TITULAR LINE!):

Sidenote: “Supercut” should get some consideration for Word of the Year 2010. It already existed but I feel like it’s become super common and frequent over the past year, like “reboot” last year. Who do I contact about this? The American Word Institute? AmericanWordInstitute.gov? Thanks for the info, me talking to myself!

(via Gorillamask)

Kids Still Suprisingly Good At Assessing Viral Videos

Posted: 07 Dec 2010 07:40 AM PST

The Fine Brothers made another installment in their ongoing series “Kids React to Viral Videos.” What happens in this series is that kids are made to watch both new and old popular viral videos and then tell us what they think the videos are about. It’s great. If you have been keeping up with these, you will be very happy to know that Jake continues to be the most awesome kid in the world when it comes to slightly scary children watching and reacting to viral videos. You will also be happy to know that the kid who looks like Data from The Goonies (no raco (the equivalent of no homo for racism)) really comes into his own in this episode. And the kid who looks like Bill Maher still looks like Bill Maher.

Haha, JAKE!

BWE management oversight for our blog by our boss Torey Malatia who wants to tell you one thing, “Stop laughing ’cause you’re ugly.”

(I would like to offer this American apology for that last reference.)

BOARDWALK EMPIRE SEASON FINALE RECAP: Boardwalk Of Horror I

Posted: 06 Dec 2010 03:50 PM PST

This is a Recap of the Boardwalk Empire Season 1 Finale, entitled “Return To Normalcy”, originally airing December 5th, 2010. It contains spoilers, so if you don’t want to know if Warren Harding wins the election, do not read on.

It’s the Boardwalk Empire Season 1 Finale AND Halloween Episode, all rolled into one:

The Finale opens on Agent Van Alden, who, after drowning his partner Agent Baby to death last week in a baptism gone stupid, has decided to leave Atlantic city and begin auditioning replacements:

His supervisor asks him to stay but Van Alden refuses, saying “There’s nothing for me here. No knocked-up one night stands, no…I don’t know, other things. Nothing.” He tells his wife he feels “unfulfilled,” and wants to leave the department to buy into his uncle’s feed business in Schenectady, aka FULFILLMENT CITY. (p.s. – I’d watch Michael Shannon in that HBO show instantly. Feedwalk Feedpire? Get on it.) He adds that if God wants to keep him in Atlantic City, he’ll give him a sign. And by “God,” he means this guy.

Nucky and his cohorts, meanwhile, are working on rigging the upcoming election — can these guys seriously accomplish any task without being corrupt? Do they bribe their dry cleaners in exchange for shady, under-the-table getting their shirts pressed?

Their plan includes, among other things, having a mortician enlist dead people to vote Republican…

In the meantime, Nucky and Sheriff-For-A-Minute O’Halloran confront the Commodore’s housekeeper Louanne about poisoning the Commodore. She initially pleads ignorance, keeping open the possibility that Jimmy’s mom is pinning the incident on her, and then she slightly changes her story and says she did it cause “If I used a shotgun, I’da had to clean the mess up myself.” Clearly, the show’s writers came up with a badass one-liner, high-fived each other, and gave it to the maid to say way out-of-character (wouldn’t she have been a little more afraid of admitting to poisoning the crotchety co-head of Gangstertowne USA?)

As if to directly spite the Commodore, Nucky gives Louanne a wad of bills (reimbursement for the poison and her work-related cabs), and tells her to leave:

Margaret is still entertaining Warren Harding’s mistress, and they decide to attend the Walk Of The Old Hallow’s Eve This Couldn’t Sound More Old Timey If The Word Victrola Was In The Name Of It. There, in the graveyard, Margaret stumbles upon a harrowing revelation:


She realizes that Nucky never told her that he too lost a child at six days old, and using her sleuth kit, she deduces that this psychological detail may have soooome reason why Nucky initially sympathized with her situation. Well, that, and Lucy saying anything, ever.

She goes to talk to Nucky on Halloween night, and the two scamps are back up to their old tricks, flirtily insulting each others’ costumes. Get an ill-bought luxury home, you two!

She tells Nucky she wants to know the real Enoch Thompson, and Nucky sits her down and tells a story about how his wife gave birth to a child and he was afraid to hold it cause it was so tiny and frail, and after a week, he finally gained the courage only to find that the baby had died and his wife had continued caring for the dead baby for days, and in her subsequent dementia, ended up slitting her wrists. Well, yikes. Move over Roger from Rent, cause we have a new…

Over at Tensehouse, Angela finally pleads with Jimmy, “How long are you going to keep doing this?” Jimmy replies, “You mean putting on Harrow’s face mask and singing ‘Music Of The Night’? I can stop.” Angela’s like, “No, I mean the obviously-gonna-kill me tension every time we’re together, because I know you read that letter.” Jimmy explains that they both did things they’re not proud of when they were apart — “You took a female lover, I blew the Kaiser, things happen” — but says he wants to make a fresh start.

Jimmy then accompanies Nucky on a meeting that’s a veritable ad for the American Music Awards of gangsters, with Torrio, Al Capone, Rothstein, Luciano, and a special performance by India.Arie. A surprisingly calm, surprisingly non-pool-playing Rothstein asks Nucky to get him out of his impending Chicago indictment, which Nucky agrees to help with in exchange for $1 million in cash (2/3 of the world’s money supply) and the last known whereabouts of the D’Alessio brothers. Rothstein says, “I heard Russ T. D’Alessio was last seen eating gumbo in the country shaped like a boot. Kidding! I’ll do it.”

Nucky then calls a giant press conference to announce that people should vote for the Republican mayor because their tireless work has uncovered that the D’Alessios were working under Hans Schroder in a giant murder conspiracy, which is the earth’s least true sentence. While Nucky is giving this speech, Jimmy, Al, and Harrow are taking turns killing the remaining brothers:

Speaking of “Did It”s, the scene of the gangsters murdering people while their boss attends an unrelated, nonviolent event seems awfully familiar… AHA! Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps. The part with the Klumps.

Back at Van Alden’s office, the twist of the season – a “young lady” is there to see the Agent, and Van Alden gets ready for her entrance:

It’s Lucy! What could she possibly want? Ooooh, is the finale twist that she’s decided to testify against Nucky, and she knows all his pillow-talk secrets? Nope. She’s pregnant. VAN ALDEN GOT LUCY PREGNANT! Hilarious. For a show that just talked about a mother caring for a dead child then slitting her wrists, this show seriously does have a sense of humor. And they certainly can’t have an abortion, plus coat hangers probably didn’t exist back then. Baby Van Alden is coming! Throw that devoted-to-being-slutty baby on Feedwalk Feedpire and I’ll order the DVDs on Amazon TODAY, HBO.

Margaret and her kids are eating their barmbrack cake — a cake with a ring, a coin, and a rag baked inside it to symbolize marriage, wealth, or poverty for whoever gets it in their piece — and after Harding’s lady finds the ring, Margaret reaches into her piece and pulls out this guy:

Oh jeez. Time to go back to Nucky.

Ed Bader wins the election — corruptions for all! — and as his first order of business, re-instates Eli as sheriff, instantly re-confirming that he’ll be no less of a puppet than the previous mayor, and irking both Jimmy and Eli with the transparent nonchalance of this fact. Jimmy is tipsy and argues with Nucky in the hallway about his own upbringing, realizing that Nucky raised him dispassionately out of obligation, and fails to get Nucky to admit he loves him. Nucky is taken aback:

Jimmy leaves and goes to see his father, and in the episode’s strongest scene, Jimmy bonds with the Commodore, dutifully refilling his glass with alcohol and finally hearing him out about his past with Nucky. The Commodore again tells Jimmy that they have to re-take the city, and Eli arrives to join them, asking “Did you tell him what we talked about?” The Commodore replies, “I was just about to.” Season Two, y’all!

During the Bader victory party, they announce that Warren Harding has won the presidential election (another twist!). Margaret shows up to the party and talks to Nucky, telling him the kids “miss their Uncle Nucky,” and the two of them reconcile for the time being (hopefully she didn’t read about his latest Hans Schroeder speech). The episode concludes with a long montage set to the saddest old timey song ever, ending with a long, crazy shot of Nucky and Margaret standing on the boardwalk staring off into the ocean. My HBO is gonna go up another $45 a month because of that shot, but I don’t care.

So, that’s Boardwalk Empire Season 1. Some ups and downs, like all shows, but very watchable, and with occasional moments of legit transcendence. If Season 2 involves Jimmy and Eli trying to overthrow Nucky while Lucy Van Alden attends lamze classes with Lori Grimes, then damn, we’ve got nowhere to go but up.

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Video Proof That The Terrorists Have Not Won

Posted: 06 Dec 2010 12:48 PM PST

What do you have when you have a remote controlled airplane and a camera flown over America’s most densely populated and breathtaking city? For once, not some sort of probably false terrorist threat. Instead, you have video footage of New York City that is 100 percent like nothing you’ve ever seen. This plane get views of Manhattan, the Brooklyn and Verrazano bridges, and the Statue of Liberty that are heart-stopping. Someone, quick, dry clean my leather eagle jacket, because patriotism month is on. Warning: Not for acrophobes.

(via Gothamist)

FOUND! Here’s A Photo Of Wikileaks’ Julian Assange

Posted: 06 Dec 2010 12:54 PM PST

So, apparently, Interpol is having a bit of difficulty finding a photo of the man turning the world upside down right now, Wikileaks’ Julian Assange. Well, thanks to Splash, we now have pics! Check it out, here he is back in 1982:

Can’t see him? Let’s do a quick zoom:

Who would have guessed that this extremely pixelated and clearly friendless alien face would grow up to become a dude who is really good at both computers and revealing top secret documents left in the dumpster behind a Topeka Wal-Mart. (That is where he found them, right? Politics!)

Humans Dress As Pandas So As Not To Frighten Baby Panda, Just Everyone Else

Posted: 06 Dec 2010 11:54 AM PST

Just an FYI, your parents might have been pandas dressed in human suits when you were growing up. That is, if we subscribe to this model, wherein humans dress as pandas to care for tiny panda cubs before they are reintroduced into the wild.

Reports Metro UK:

The four-month-old cub is the first to be trained for reintroduction into the wild by the Hetaoping Research and Conservation Center for the Giant Panda in Wolong National Nature Reserve in Sichuan province, China.

But for the baby panda to be reintroduced successfully, the cub's environment must have absolutely no human influence, which is where the panda outfits come in.

So you’re saying that these suits are less traumatizing than actual humans? I suppose you’re the scientists so-GAH!

That is one step removed from Frank the Rabbit in Donnie Darko. “Why are you wearing that stupid bunny suit?” “Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?” Or Howard the Duck. Or any number of weird movies featuring creepy animal mascot characters.

THE WALKING DEAD SEASON FINALE RECAP: Brain Games Is Now Over!

Posted: 06 Dec 2010 03:31 PM PST

This is a Recap of The Walking Dead Season 1 Finale, entitled “TS-19″, originally airing December 5, 2010. It contains spoilers, such as the huge twist that Nucky Thompson was a zombie. And more!

It’s Season Finale time! Time for some crazy twists, character deaths, and some hot (water) softcore shower porn:

The episode opens with Shane, in a flashback, frantically trying to save Rick from his hospital bed using a series of well-conceived plans:

PLAN A: Just grab Rick. Oops! All that hospital sh*t is keeping him alive.

PLAN B: Hope Rick wakes from his coma at that exact moment. Rick doesn’t. Whatta sleepyhead! Were you staying up late watching Unwrapped again, Rick? Don’t sleep the day away, there’s zombies out there to be run away from!

PLAN C: Put a gurney in front of the door and hope none of the million relentlessly feeding zombies — who we’ve already seen using rocks to smash a department store window in pursuit of food — manage to nudge it out of the way and devour the helpless RIck. Looks like we’re gonna go with Plan C…AND IT WORKS!

Meanwhile, back in the present, we finally learn what’s inside the hatch(ed shut door leading inside the CDC):

Why it’s just the thoroughly unshady Dr. Jenner!

Dr. Jenner reluctantly welcomes the group into the CDC on the condition that they submit to a blood test, and when everyone agrees, he takes them all onto an elevator:

Jenner explains that the only people left are him and “Vi,” the female-voiced computer who he begrudgingly masturbates to. Jenner’s like, “Say ‘welcome’ to our visitors, Vi! Now say ‘I’m stupid.’ Haha – she said it. Still keeping me sane for one more day.”

Jenner administers the blood tests, and finds nothing except a severe case of the mopes in Andrea:

After his initial precautions, Jenner grows extremely welcoming, and gathers everyone downstairs for a big liquor-filled meal:

They even force Carl to try some wine, which Lori isn’t wild about, but Rick’s like “Hey, it’s the zombie apocalypse, what’s the worst that can happen? He’ll get drunk and go out and get bit by a zombie?”

Carl gags on the wine, although, it’s tough to tell if he actually hates it, cause that’s the same face he makes whenever anything happens.

Still, the meal gives the characters a rare opportunity to kick back, forget about the zombie apocalypse, and regain a semblance of their past humanity, if only for a brief, fleeting GOD DAMMIT SHANE:

Shane ruins everything by asking Jenner “What really happened here,” and Jenner explains that the doctors and staff all fled to be with their families, or committed suicide in the CDC, leaving only him to continue his research to re-prove that the triceratops was real and also find a zombie cure. Shane then wets a huge blanket in a bathtub and drapes it over everyone at the table. As we find out later, Buzzkillin’ Shane is just warming up.

Jenner takes everyone to the sleeping quarters and tells them to go easy on the electricity and hot water, which is followed by shots of every character wasting the sh*t out of hot water, including Rick and Lori having shower sex, Shane drinking liquor in the shower, and Amanda sitting there depressed. So basically, they’re all a bunch of d*cks who don’t listen.

Rick drunkenly stumbles into Dr. Jenner’s quarters to thank him again, but admits he knows the group was running out of options. He also tells Jenner “you have no idea what it’s like out there,” to which Jenner replies, “I’ve seen 28 Days Later, I assume it’s exactly like that?” Rick’s like, “WRONG – these zombies are slightly slower and not British.”

Shane then drunkenly stumbles into the library to confront Lori, re-iterates that he thought Rick was dead and everything he did was to save the family, then immediately discards this good will by basically trying to rape her. She scratches him in the neck and he stops, then the next morning tells everyone “I must’ve done it in my sleep.” At this point, if Rick isn’t suspecting anything, he should just turn in his badge to his supervisor, who is also a zombie and then instantly bites him as he’s doing it because he’s a f***ing moron.

The next day, Jenner explains to everyone how the zombie disease affects the brain, showing them a time-lapse of an infected brain as it loses function. As the zombie disease sets in, only very basic brain function is restored:

When the color re-appears, Glenn goes, “What’s that?” Seriously, Glenn? It’s the zombie disease. Did you think he was just showing you an informative time-lapse brain map warning against the affects of designer drugs?

After a series of questions, Dale finally asks, “What does that clock mean?” Jenner explains, “Oh, no biggie, that’s just when the generator fuel runs out and the entire CDC explodes.” Oh, hello there Mr. Stakes, nice to see you! Not sure where you’ve been the rest of the episode, but now you’re super dooper here.

Dale is shocked by this news, and also, everything:

The group panics, searches in vain for additional generator fuel, and finally gets sealed inside the deck by doors that are “built to withstand rocket launchers.” That doesn’t sway Shane, though, who has yet another brilliant plan for escape:

Quick, hit the indestructible door with axes! I love in that pic that T-Dog is racing up the stairs to help them, like “Don’t worry, a THIRD axe is on its way, boys! Freedom here we come!”

Jenner explains that he’s doing them all a favor by giving them a quick and painless death so they don’t have to face the outside world again, but Shane isn’t buying it and tries to rape him, gun-wise:

Jenner explains that all the locks are computer-controlled and he couldn’t do anything even if he wanted to. This news also shocks Dale, because it’s anything:

The news doesn’t shock Carl, who secretly wants to die (this explains so much):

Rick finally steps forward, and, remembering “you catch more zombie doctors with honey” from his Specific Phrases page-a-day calender, he pleads with Jenner that they’re all just looking for a chance, just like Jenner was when he stayed in the CDC alone to continue his research (and finally live out his dream of using the lab eye wash while pantsless). Jenner finally relents, and manually overrides the door, giving everyone a chance to escape.

On his way out, Rick is pulled aside by Jenner, who whispers something secret and alarming:

What was it? Did he see Shane molesting Lori on a security camera, and feel obligated to let him know the truth? Or was he like “Just so you know, Andrea was super uncool about wasting hot water after I asked very nicely.” Or maybe he explained what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction? My prediction: All three. Except the first one.

Jacqui, realizing she’s useless, declares that she’s staying behind. This shocks T-Dog, who does his best Dale impression:

Poutypants Andrea whines that she’s staying behind too, but Dale goes and sits next to her and says he’s not leaving without her, which guilts her into finally deciding to live. They leave Jenner and Jacqui behind to hold hands and discuss their character-actor agency representation.

The group leaves the lab but they can’t penetrate the outer wall of the CDC, leaving them trapped forever. Show’s over, people, let’s just pack it up and wait for Breaking Bad to come back. WAIT!!! Wifey Shorthair to the rescue!

The group sprints out of the CDC, kills another handful of zombies (remember them??), and reaches their vehicles to drive away just as the building explodes. Frankly, I thought the “de-contamination” meant that everything inside the building would be incinerated, not that the entire structure would completely blow up action-movie style. Seems like an awfully inefficient process, especially when having the outside blow up probably makes it even more likely to spread diseases. Ah well, now’s not the time to discuss disease center architecture. I’ll save that for the Boardwalk Empire Recap.

I will say, after seriously questioning The Walking Dead in Episodes 2 and 3 (and 3/4ths of episode 4), the last couple really picked up. Some of the individual acting moments are distracting, but the show is finally becoming the interesting, attractive proposition it was advertised as: an in-depth exploration of a zombie apocalypse’s effect on humanity and individual humans to a longer, more thorough degree than a 2-hour movie would have time to provide. I was also extremely happy that Merle and Morgan didn’t return to implausibly save the day in any of the episodes (yet), but were just completely estranged from the group, which is probably exactly what would happen in an actual zombie apocalypse. I learned that from Dr. Jenner’s science board.

The Walking Dead Season One? A walking success. Season Two? Well, they already fired all their writers, so we’ll wait and see:

The Walking Dead Finale and Season 1 thoughts? Predictions for Season 2? What did Jenner whisper to Rick? Comment away in the comments, where that happens.

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Christmas Tree Cat Impervious To Your Southern Accent

Posted: 06 Dec 2010 10:33 AM PST

When a cat manages a way to get to the very top of a Christmas tree with only his head ornamenting its way out of the branches, do you know what is the last thing on Earth it is going to care about or pay attention to? A super-hilarious accent.

Yes, this vid has made the round a few hundred thousand times, but if you’ve never seen it, then watching it is truly the best holiday present you can give to us. Actually, I take that back: The best holiday present you could give me personally is a Christmas tree FULL of live cat head ornaments.

(Sent to us via Late Night with Jimmy Fallon’s Sara Schaefer, who swears she has the “You are sooo ooo baayud” impression down to a science. We have no reason not to believe her.)

Puberty Has Been Kind To Patrick Schwarzenegger

Posted: 06 Dec 2010 09:47 AM PST

Puberty. It’s a real son of a bitch, ain’t it? With the budding and the sweating and the sprouting. — 13 year old Bill Cosby. Young boys hiding their erections behind textbooks when they should really be hiding their hideous half-formed faces. And even having the genes of a German horse on steroids cannot protect you from the indignities of puberty.

Take Patrick Schwarzenegger. (Only don’t, because we need him. At least, as of September 2011, when he turns 18.) Sure, Patrick Schwarzenegger has all the makings of a young rich assh*le: He’s rich, a Kennedy, and, oh yeah, his father is Arnold Schwarzenegger. HIS DAD IS TERMINATOR. And Governor. I mean, really, all of us should agree to hate him. The kid used to go to basketball games with Puff Daddy, of Diddy-Dirty Money fame:

Here he is as a young teenager with deal old Dad:

OK, he’s cute, and certainly not on the same levels of hideousness that I myself survived at around that time. But I mean, he’s a kid. A KID. And it would be SICK to say that he is handsome or “hot” in any way, shape, or for-my-GOD-what?-who-is-this-lsdfkjwoeijwlkjflksldhnoooooooooo:

WTF*ck. Why do some people have it as easy as a haircut and a couple of work outs to become HOT AS SH*T. (Ed. Note: He turns 18 in September of 2011, so of course, we say this in a loving, familial way, and not a creepy, like let’s get drunk way.*) (*None of this last sentence is true.)

Y’ALL HE A MAN. He is clearly some sort of robot sent back from the future to star on To Catch a Predator and catch creeps who would find him attractive. Some people. Whoops, sorry, the cops are here, that’s weird, bye.

THE HOTTIE POLICE THAT IS

[Photos: Splash News Online]

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Was Basically Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead Fashion Show

Posted: 06 Dec 2010 09:46 AM PST

Surprisingly, I didn’t see The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show when it aired last week. I know, usually I’m on top of my half naked models prancing to Katy Perry events. I don’t know, I guess I was busy not feeling bad about myself. So thank goodness NY Mag put together the minute and a half version of the event.

GAH. We all remember the fashion show that Christina Applegate puts on at the end of Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead, yes? It’s here if you want to bone up. I think the designers at Victoria’s Secret, if one were to ask them, would cite that as their main influence for this, the ugliest collection of outfits I have ever seen. Lacrosse??? A giant soccer ball shrug?? WTF, Vicky’s? I know you flaunt your trashy side proudly, but this is beyond. As long as you were going balls out (tranny model next year maybe?), you should have hired the hot dog truck and called it a day, at least to ground this disconnected circus in some actual reference. There are some obvious differences between the two shows, for one, the Victoria’s Secret Show did not take place in Sue Ellen’s backyard and Sue Ellen did not feature a cadre of male dancers/gymnasts. But I feel as though they share the same soul, just with different budgets.

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