Friday, December 10, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

There’s Something Different About Sarah Jessica Parker…

Posted: 10 Dec 2010 09:30 AM PST

Hmm… we can’t quite figure out what it is…

Hmm… the face, the nipple… I don’t know, looks good to me. However this is not, in fact, Sarah Jessica Parker. Rather French illustrator Cedric Rivrain has posed for Double Magazine as the iconic fashion plate, in a series of photographs that are like a 3D Magic Eye poster of cross-dressing nightmares.

The photos are so realistic that when I asked my photo editor to crop the above pic, he asked if he should censor the nipple, BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS HER NIPPLE. Now, granted, my photo editor is the Boo-urns guy, but still, pretty uncanny.

More photos ahead..

He’s sort of got some Celine Dion in him too, doesn’t he?

This next one is, in our opinion, as SJP as these pics get:

What made Matthew Broderick fall in love with her oh so many years ago…

I love crooked rich lady walk, like “these bags full of priceless goods are so heavy I can barely balance my 80 pound frame”:

Conclusion: This is the most French thing we’ve ever posted on this website.

(Refinery29 via StylebubbleUK)

Real Alien Captured On Deer Cam, Is Real

Posted: 10 Dec 2010 09:21 AM PST

Here’s a local news report from Baton Rouge about a man claiming to find a cryptic photo of an alien on his stationary deer cam. Despite the overwhelming evidence of the photo, which is of an alien, the people in the vid remain skeptical that it is a photo of an alien (are they not looking at it? REAL ALIEN here, people!)

The report tries to go by the book for internet “real or fake?” videos by interviewing random dudes in a bar, but just when you expect them to be all rednecky and say “wow him like ET y’all!” so you can laugh and feel all internet-superior, they all end up being completely rational and don’t buy the picture for a second. Click the pic below to watch and judge for yourself (I judge “Definitely an alien”):

Fortunately, just when you’re disappointed that the video isn’t southern enough, someone comes through with a completely random college football joke:

ZING! Nick Saban was in Alabama, until he warped in front of this camera with his alien powers. Nailed it!

The 4 Best Stills From The Barbara Walters/Oprah Interview

Posted: 10 Dec 2010 08:58 AM PST

Last night, the Earth’s regularly scheduled rotation ground to a deafening halt, as legendary anchorwoman Barbara Walters sat down with God’s human mouthpiece Oprah Winfrey for an interview about her last season of The Oprah Winfrey Show. The interview was, as expected, amazing, as Oprah opened up about her childhood, her favorite guests (cut to me with hands made out of Kleenex), her BFF/mother figure/non-girlfriend Gayle, and the hologram she called Stedman. Needless to say, if you missed it, it was your loss.

But not ALL is lost. Because as a friend and I watched it last night, sometimes pausing our DVR to refill our celebratory Oprah champagne glasses, we found ourselves paused on some of the greatest Oprah/Barb expressions of our time.

Today, we bring you four of them. Plus a photo of Oprah holding a cake with a small Oprah on top of it riding a kangaroo. Everything about that last sentence is true.

1. The “And Then I Was Like Whuuuuuut?”

2. The “1990s Presents Tyler Perry’s: Oprah”

3. The “Hasn’t Aged A Day Since 1921″



4. The “Javier Bardem”

BONUS: As her fans know, Oprah is in Australia this week taping some shows. She’s also visiting her biggest Australian fans, one of whom gave her this cake, described as “a cake shaped as Uluru, decorated with a figurine of Oprah riding a kangaroo.”

It’s impossible not to love her.

FINALLY: Miley Cyrus Caught Smoking A Bong

Posted: 10 Dec 2010 07:45 AM PST

TMZ has obtained cell phone footage of Miley Cyrus smoking a bong and giggling a lot. Sources claim she wasn’t smoking pot, but the legal herb salvia — a nice variation on the classic Clinton Defense (how I’ve missed the ‘Bill Clinton inhale’ jokes since Leno stopped doing them in 2008!) Even if nothing illegal is happening here, the obligatory backpedaling from Miley and her disappointed overlords should be entertaining.

Also, I think we can all agree this video was extremely inevitable. And the Miley sex tape is still inevitable. And the video of Justin Bieber hitting a bong then having sex with Miley while Ray-J narrates is also inevitable. Click the pic below to watch, then we can resume awaiting the next obvious celebrity cell phone footage scandal:

Learn How To Flirt But NOT REALLY AT ALL

Posted: 09 Dec 2010 02:46 PM PST

Let’s all watch this video about how to flirt and then ask a lot of questions about what the f*ck this guy is talking about.

“When I come up and I tease a girl about her boots what I’m doing is I’m setting this frame that I’m the big brother, she’s the little sister, I’m there to tease her.” Oh, good, you’re the big brother. Now she’ll want to sleep with you just like she sleeps with her big brother? What the f*ck are you talking about?

“I’ve noticed that more and more Christians are getting tattoos.” What the f*ck are you talking about.

“I want to meet you. What’s your name?” You can’t say you want to meet somebody while you’re meeting somebody because that is retarded and what the f*ck are you talking about?

“If you’re in a church environment…” A church environment? You mean like a church? A church is the only church environment. What the f*ck are you talking about?

Thanks, The Daily What.

TOP CHEF RECAP: A Night At The MuseYUM!

Posted: 09 Dec 2010 06:04 PM PST

This is a Recap of Top Chef All-Stars (Season 8), Episode 2, entitled “Night at the Museum”, originally airing December 8th, 2010. It contains spoilers – the Egyptian guy’s magic thing is what’s making exhibits come alive! See?

It’s Week 2 of Top Chef All-Stars, and after Elia was deemed “Least Starry” in Week 1, the chefs take turns reacting to the elimination in a new BEFORE THE CREDITS cold-open segment. “We’s gotta get them’s content before the intro, so’s the kids can Twitter it on the iPhones!” – New Maverick Top Chef Producer.

After the new cold open, it’s back to intro as usual — Sidenote: won’t a billion more people see the chefs on Top Chef than in Food and Wine Magazine, the prize? — and then it’s off to the Quickfire, with special guest smiler Joe Jonas:

Wait, I thought the Jonas Brothers were murdered by the record labels and re-Frankensteined together to make Justin Bieber? Why did someone tell me that?

Either way, he’s there to judge the first Kidz Challengz of the year:

For the Quickfire, the chefs have to make a midnight snack for kids sleeping overnight at the American Museum Of Natural History’s annual “Night At The Museum” event, popularized of course by this movie. The catch: The kids have no utensils, and also they’re insane because they’re kids:

The chefs get to cooking while still taking turns being wowed by the multiplatinum recording artist (FYI: record companies changed that term to refer to any band that’s sold over 50 physical cds), even though Dale’s like “I thought he was a pastry chef.” Yeah, of SWOON CAKE.

Tiffani is making a dessert that’s like if “A Snowball, a Moon Pie, and a Rice Krispie Treat had a threesome.” Make sure you explain it to the kids that way, Tiffani. And be prepared to answer their follow-up question, “Does the Moon Pie have to masturbate while the Rice Krispie Treat is going down on the Snowball?”

Michael Isabella is making “F*cking f*ck chocolate polenta bars f*ck,” but his struggles don’t stop him from saying that Casey’s chocolate lasagna makes him want to throw up. You are serving kids cornmeal, dude — have you ever seen/been a child? Just order Domino’s and coast to immunity (f*ck).

As for the two favorites, Richard is making, I don’t know, nitrogen chicken fingers or something, and Angelo is making “Cheese Crisps 2010: The New Evolution.” If this was a competition for Top Dork, Padma would tell those guys “Please acquire additional knives and stay!”

The winner of the Quickfire is announced: It’s a tie between Tiffani and Spike!

Maybe Spike’s finally turned his brim around and become a great chef? Oops! His restaurant is still called that:

Wasn’t that the name of like eight challenges in the DC season? (Kidding – I know for sure that it was).

The chefs pair off into teams (they just pick teams, still no crazy themes – looks like they’ve ditched the arbitrary themes forever and ever…(FORESHADOWING)) to mass-produce the snacks for the kids, and the kids will vote for their favorite one the only way kids can, by screaming. Fabio is picked last, despite his quoting ability:

The food is presented to the kids, some of whom devour everything instantly, while some future Colicchios prove more discerning:

Joe Jonas arrives (to a surprising lack of child-total-sh*t-losing) to decide the winner, and asks the kids if they like first thing (boo) or THE SECOND THINGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! (YAYYYY!!!!) Kids always cheer louder for the second thing, dummies. After Tiffani is crowned Queen Quickfire, my friend Matt immediately commented “Did they have a contingency plan if the cheering had been close?” I reply “I was thinking the exact same thing!” Matt and I are useful people on this earth.

Onto the Elimination Challenge, and hoo-boy, after Top Chef shockingly avoided the super-stretched themes for the first Elimination and two Quickfires, they more than made up for it with the Top Cheffiest theme that ever Top Cheffed:

LOLOLOLOL! Dinosaurs! Museum! Didn’t they already do this challenge back in Season 2 when the dinosaurs from Dinotopia guest-judged? I dreamt that? Gotcha.

The captains have to cook breakfast for the kids, their parents, and the museum staff for the following morning, but one team will be Team “T-Rex” and can only use meat, and the other will be Team “Dilophosaurus” and can only spit poison at Wayne Knight. I realize this stopped being a Recap like eight paragraphs ago, but let’s keep typing and see what happens.

Tiffani has first pick and selects “T-Rex,” sticking Spike’s team with “Brontosaurus,” but when they go to the museum pantry, it’s stocked to the brim with vegetables that are definitely always in the museum pantry, while the meat side has only meats and meat biproducts (eggs and whining). T-Rexes only eat meat, Tiffani, so you only get meat! You just got DINOSAURD’D!

The chefs sleep overnight in the North American Mammals wing, because no kids have any interest in ever going there. Some of the chefs take a nap and others explore the museum, while the Bravo camera people get questioned by police for this B-Roll:

The Teams get to cooking, and Bravo sets up literally every potential person-throwing-person-under-the-bus combination imaginable. Everyone gets mad at someone else for some reason; Tiffani is mad at Tom for not making the challenge clear, Marcel is mad at Angelo for telling Carla to cut his plums in half (Marcel’s kind of a D, obviously, but I was with him on this one — I’d be furious if someone cut some of my jokes from this Recap without telling me, no matter how obviously terrible), and everyone on Team Rex turns on Jamie when she cuts her finger and leaves to get stitches. They all agree that in a real kitchen, if you cut yourself, you stay there and bleed into the food and maybe suffer worse long-term damage to your cooking hand, just like Chef Jon Voight from Varsity Blues always said.

Oh look, the ads for Top Che Funiversity are back:

Jenn adds some foreshadowing, saying “My father always told me that second place is still losing.” Jenn doesn’t mention that her father is an And1 T-shirt.

The teams present their dishes to the judges, kids, and staff members, and I will again stress that it is TEAM T-REX versus TEAM BRONTOSAURUS:

Tom actually says, “You know, it’s tough, there were some good things on Team T-Rex, but there were some good things on Brontosaurus too.” This show is amazing. I really don’t say that enough. I’m down a couple drinks right now, but I mean it.

Team Brontosaurus seems to be doing generally better, though, with some classic kids breakfast favorites like Spike’s V9 Gazpacho and Fabio’s Potato Gnocchi with Leeks, Spinach & Mushrooms (I used to get potato gnocchi Kid Cuisines all the time when I was little, because huh?)

The biggest hit is Richard, Angelo and Marcel’s Banana Parfait with Seasonal Fruit & Tandoori Maple, which is dang near Joe Jonas pretty:

Gail takes the kid-patronizing initiative and says “Ooh, isn’t that pretty kids? It’s like a painting!” She adds, “Do you know what a painting is? It’s like if Harry Potter waved his magic wand and had color appear on Batman!” Yaaay!!!

The Top 3: Team Brontosaurus wins, which means that the judges obviously had the final say because no kid in their right mind would ever vote for a brontosaurus over a t-rex. Richard, Angelo and Marcel win for the banana parfait, keeping my prediction of the eventual Richard / Angelo showdown intact. Your prize: You’re all going to Napa together! UHOH, only one bed! (Record Scratch) Etc.

The Bottom: Team T-Rex suffers its biggest defeat since that scientist popularized the theory that the T-Rex was just a scavenger to introduce kids to scientific debate while crushing their dreams of the awesome monster on their backpacks. Tiffany gets criticized for another surprisingly weak showing, Tre gets ripped for over-reducing his really salty sauce, Tiffani forces the judges to rip her when she complains about not fully understanding what she was choosing, and Jamie gets off surprisingly easily for literally not producing a dish, cut nonwithstanding.

The real fireworks, though, come when Tom criticizes Jennifer’s eggs for being bland. Jenn — who nervously cried several times during her previous Top Chef stint — goes ballistic:

Jenn disagrees with everything Tom says, re-iterates that she’s positive her eggs weren’t bland, and when Tom brings up that serving everything on one plate was too cluttered, Jenn snaps back “You’re the judges, you should be smart enough to say ‘hey can I get a different plate.’” Uhhhmmmm, you’re probably going home, Jenn.

But wait! Tom says “If someone’s going home, it’s gonna be for their dish, not because they got angry at us, I have no problem with that.” So maybe Jenn isn’t going home?

Then Padma’s like, “Nahhhh, Jenn’s very going home.” The other contescheftants are shocked:

Jennifer was clearly at least in the top half of chefs this season talent-wise, and was probably Finale-worthy, but if we take the judges’ word that they judge every challenge independently based solely on the dishes of a particular week, and that Jennifer’s dish was in fact that bad, then they had to eliminate her. That said, whether or not the effect was deliberate, Jenn’s elimination certainly does send a “we’re not playing around” message to the rest of the chefs, and adds some intrigue to the season’s early weeks, a fact which the producers clearly couldn’t have been unaware of in deciding to let her go.

Although, Tre made one sauce and botched it, and Jamie literally did nothing. But, diff’rent judgestrokes, you know?

Bye Jenn! Sorry you got kicked to the curb and have to get up from that curb and resume being an enormously successful chef at Michelin star-winning establishments. But no couple page-spread in magazine that I only remember exists during the intro of this show for you! Burn.

Top Chef All-Stars episode 2 reactions? Jennifer elimination thoughts? Anything we missed? Leave ‘em in the comments.

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Local News Station Spends 7 Minutes Discussing Craig Rowin’s Million Dollar Request

Posted: 09 Dec 2010 02:12 PM PST

A few weeks ago a guy named Craig Rowin (who previously did videos for BWE) posted a video inside of the internet in which he listed a number of millionaires and asked them to give him a million dollars. You remember it, right? It was written about right here. Well now he’s done another video where he also asks billionaires to give him a million dollars. And you can watch that here if you want. But that’s not what this is about. This is about a phone interview he did with a local CBS affiliate in Alabama. They interviewed him for 7 minutes. And somehow all 7 minutes are engaging. Go ahead and watch it. I apologize that the video isn’t centered. The HTML for this video was a real assh*le, and I lost my mind trying to fix it, and then I gave up.

It is so great that the news anchors know how funny it is to describe Coach as “a very good show… about college football.”

Thanks, Eliot Glazer at Urlesque.

“Hey! The Zooey Deschanel Show” Will Twee All That It Can Be

Posted: 09 Dec 2010 10:10 AM PST

A lot of people know Zooey Deschanel as an actress, and some know her as one half of the indie singing group She & Him. But all of you know her as the Twee-est of the Twees, the twee-est person who has ever roamed the Earth. If she were a character in Lord of the Rings, she’d be Tweebeard. Her favorite outfit is a twee-shirt and jeans. When she goes to England she drinks twee and eats crumptwees.

And now, she has a talk show!! An internet talk show. (Read: Better talk show.) It’s “Hey! The Zooey Deschanel Show,” and if the theme song doesn’t have you hooked, well then nothing will. (OK, maybe heroin…) Enjoyyyah.
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