Cele|bitchy

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• ‘The Tourist’ review: A silly, sweet hot mess
• Billy Ray Cyrus’s mullet is ’so sad’ that Miley was doing bong hits
• Carrie Fisher ’sorry’ that John Travolta is ‘uncomfortable’ with his gayness
• “Hot Colin Farrell outshines thrust-and-weeper Jim Sturgess” links
• Nick Cannon sets the record straight: no twins, no Santa and no heels
• Raccoon McPantless is our new spokesraccoon for masturbation
• Did Rihanna dump Matt Kemp for cheating, and is she with Drake now?

‘The Tourist’ review: A silly, sweet hot mess Posted: 11 Dec 2010 03:14 AM PST Okay, so this is just my review of The Tourist - if you want to read the bad reviews, and there are totally SO MANY bad reviews, go here to Rotten Tomatoes, where The Tourist is holding at 20%. From the looks of the reviews, you'd think that Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie had made Ishtar 2: Kingdom of the Crystal Dong. But I went to see The Tourist last night, and I have a confession: it really wasn't that bad. In fact, I rather enjoyed it. Is it because I'm a Brangeloonie? Sure. I'm positive that my card-carrying membership to Empress Zahara's Queendom had something to do with my general warmth towards the film. But if something sucks hard, I hope you have enough faith in me to call it as I see it. Here's an example: when I saw Salt earlier this year, it disappointed me. I thought it was a waste of many talented people, I thought the script issues were atrocious, and I thought the plot holes were ridiculous. I don't really want to see Salt again - but I would watch The Tourist again tomorrow. So why the bad reviews? I think it's because there is a problem with "tone". The film isn't some serious movie, and it's totally not the best work any of the actors or the director has ever done or will ever do. It was like the film didn't know whether it was a quirky little Hitchcock Lite suspense/dramedy or whether it should just be full-on action/drama. And yes, there were other problems too: the music was sketchy, and detracted from several key scenes. Angelina's hair was a rat's nest for the last half of film, and it was totally distracting. Also, her costumes: she can wear the hell out of a suit or a slim-cut dress, but the evening clothes were tragic. For a major part of the film, she's wearing a ghastly Gone With the Wind ball gown - in another part, she's wearing a lumpy satin dress that makes her abdomen look like a tree trunk. Poor girl has never had much of a defined waist, and this dress was the wrong choice for her body type. As for Depp - his come-and-go facial hair was distracting. As was Jolie's come-and-go accent. What was good? Depp and Jolie gave understated, solid performances. Once again, not the best work from either of them, but they weren't bad either. They didn't have a lot of sexual chemistry, but their little love story was sweet, and the two characters seemed to affectionately like each other, rather than be all hot and bothered for each other. There were no sex scenes - there didn't need to be. This was Depp as his most "normal" - no garish costumes or makeup to hide behind. It was nice. Refreshing, even. It was also refreshing to see Jolie play a character where her default position isn't on "kick his ass". Her character gets out of situations realistically, like a smaller woman without a death wish would, rather than some strident action heroine, bustin' a cap in every bitch trying to mess with her. I also liked that she was playing "beautiful" - every man who comes into contact with her stops to check her out. Angelina doesn't play that part very often. My favorite part of the film? Paul Bettany. He was AMAZING. If you feel like seeing a fun, silly little movie and you're trying to decide, let Paul Bettany's scene-stealing performance be the deciding factor. Every scene with him popped. He was funny, he was sexy, he was dashing, and he was a total wisecracking, know-it-all a–hole. He was the perfect foil, the perfect character actor, the perfect sidekick. There was also some decent character work done by the underutilized Timothy Dalton and Rufus Sewell, and a cameo by Raoul Bova. The "villain" was played by long-time character actor Steven Berkoff, who, if you're in anything like me, is known solely for his role as Victor Maitland in Beverly Hills Cop. Of course, I've seen Beverly Hills Cop about a million times, so during all of Berkoff's scenes, I was flashing back to his dialogue with Eddie Murphy. All in all, I'd give the film a B-minus. If you want to see something silly, sweet and a bit cheesy, and Paul Bettany looking fine in a suit, you should see this. Photos courtesy of WENN.

Billy Ray Cyrus’s mullet is ’so sad’ that Miley was doing bong hits Posted: 11 Dec 2010 03:14 AM PST Yesterday, TMZ "broke" the story that Miley Cyrus is pretty much one of us. A friend of Miley's (some friend) sold/gave TMZ a video of Miley smoking a bong on or around her 18th birthday, even though TMZ's sources claim that Miley was smoking "salvia" - which is legal. I kind of thought she was smoking weed, but it's debatable. By the way, if it was salvia, Radar's experts claim that stuff has the same effect as LSD. I don't know about you, but I would rather take a hit off of the gravity bong then trip my (metaphoric) balls off again. Anyway, the video was all over the place on Friday, even the news networks. So I guess The Mullet finally got a chance to see it, and boy was he "sad" about it. From Billy Ray's Twitter: [Spoketh The Mullet] Eh. He's "so sad." Okay. I would also accept "disappointed" but really, is this the end of the world? I think if I was Miley's father (shudder), I would be more upset about her constant cooter-flashing (on stage). Here's what I think is really giving The Mullet a major case of The Sads: "There is much beyond my control right now." Yes, The Mullet can no longer "control" his little girl. He no longer tells her who to date and who to hang out with and when to work and when to flash her cooter on stage. The Mullet has learned a valuable lesson today!

Carrie Fisher ’sorry’ that John Travolta is ‘uncomfortable’ with his gayness Posted: 11 Dec 2010 03:14 AM PST Ruh-roh. Carrie Fisher has a new interview in the latest issue of The Advocate, and the lady is trying to take down John Travolta. Oh, this is so rich. Apparently, Carrie has talked about Travolta being ALLEGEDLY gay before - in 2009, she said in an interview "We don't really care that John Travolta is gay." When asked about that old quote, Carrie had some interesting stuff to say about Travolta getting nailed in spas from here to Australia (not really). She also talks about being married to a gay man and having a gay ghost: ADV: In the September 2009 issue of Out, you participated in their monthly "Can I Be Blunt?" column by sharing 10 things that gay men should know about straight women. One of those things was, "We don't really care that John Travolta is gay." I know you and Travolta go way back, so let's get really blunt here: Does his legal team have any business demanding Gawker remove a recent post suggesting that he's given blow jobs? CF: Wow! I mean, my feeling about John has always been that we know and we don't care. Look, I'm sorry that he's uncomfortable with it, and that's all I can say. It only draws more attention to it when you make that kind of legal fuss. Just leave it be. ADV: When explaining that your ex-husband (CAA superagent Bryan Lourd) once blamed your codeine abuse on pushing him toward other men, you joke in Wishful Drinking that you have the power to turn men gay. These are funny quips, but they've also turned into headlines that some readers make take seriously. So just to clarify for those who believe that being gay is a choice, do you and Bryan know that he was always gay and that you had nothing to do with it? CF: Well, we don't talk about it much, but yes, I should think that he was always gay and probably always knew it. I can only really talk about my part of it, up to a point, but he's been a very good father — and mother — to Billie. ADV: I've read that you've felt haunted by [gay friend R. Gregory Stevens] ghost. I'd think a gay ghost would be pretty fabulous to have lurking around. CF: No, it wasn't a bad thing. It was amusing. Things started to go off in my house. You know those little boxes that you push the buttons and they go, "F-ck you," "Eat sh-t," "You're an a–hole"? I had one of those, and it would start to go off, on its own, in the middle of the night. So if that wasn't Greg… I mean, I don't think it was [past resident of my Beverly Hills home] Edith Head, do you? [From The Advocate] The legal stuff The Advocate is referring to is Travolta's legal team sending out a "blistering missive" to Gawker, after Gawker printed a salacious, hilarious and raunchy interview with Robert Randolph, author of You'll Never Spa In This Town Again, about the closeted gay culture of Hollywood. Randolph specifically called out Travolta as being a spa "bottom" who prefers dark, swarthy men. Methinks this whole controversy isn't Travolta's first experience with "blistering missives". And Carrie better watch her ass too, because a missive is coming her way. Header photos courtesy of WENN.

“Hot Colin Farrell outshines thrust-and-weeper Jim Sturgess” links Posted: 10 Dec 2010 11:37 AM PST Dashing, rogue Colin Farrell stands next to thrust-and-weeper Jim Sturgess for yet another photo call. [LaineyGossip] The Garner Dimple Parade is friggin' endless. [Celebuzz] General David Petraeus is Babs Walters' "Most Fascinating Person". [PopEater] Another reason to love Bea Arthur: she was a Marine during WWII! [Dlisted] The Fighter, reviewed. There seems to be a script problem. [Pajiba] The Tourist's reviews are coming in, and it doesn't look good. [Agent Bedhead] Eva Longoria's big night out. With bodyguards. Because she's so famous. [Radar] These babies are not happy to be seen with Oprah. [A Socialite Life] Cher's NIPPLES. If you want to see them. [PopBytes] Jennifer Garner flashes her butt crack. AGAIN. [Evil Beet] CNN is made of Fail. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?] Famous white dudes hittin' it with black ladies. SWIRL IT UP. Seriously, I didn't know most of these dudes were in interracial couples. IGGY?!? [Bossip] Chris Brown has a new girlfriend. [ICYDK] Jon Bon Jovi doesn't want to act anymore. [I'm Not Obsessed] Julia Roberts confronts a paparazzo. [The Blemish] Classic Playboy photos go up for auction. [Celebslam] Justin Timberlake was probably just pretending to be sick. [Pop Sugar]

Nick Cannon sets the record straight: no twins, no Santa and no heels Posted: 10 Dec 2010 10:43 AM PST Nick Cannon just killed my dream. My dream was that Mariah Carey was expecting twin girls, and that she was planning on naming them Butterfly Princess Glitter and Rainbow Sunshine Cupcake. But it was just a lie (not really)! Nick Cannon just confirmed to Us Weekly that he and Mariah are just expecting one baby, not two, and that they don't know the sex yet. Nick also confirmed a few other things too: Mariah Carey may be staying mum, but her hubby Nick Cannon wants to clarify something: they’re only expecting one bundle of joy. “That rumor started because she said something about ‘they,” the comic told UsMagazine.com at the Time Warner Cable Launch of SignatureHome Thursday. “Something like, ‘I hope they don’t hate Christmas,” but she was using the word ‘they’ as in, like, he and she.” And while Cannon said the pair doesn’t know yet if it’s a boy or a girl, he is coming clean about something else. Yes, he did whisper to Carey’s belly that there is no Santa. “I got in trouble for that,” he told Us. “I’m a Santa-ologist. At three-years-old my Dad told me there was no Santa. And my wife is Mrs. Christmas, so I have to compromise on that.” But he’s not willing to budge on his mandate that Carey stick to flats for the remainder of her pregnancy. “Yes, no more heels,” he told Us. “I’m going to make sure of it!” [From Us Weekly] I kind of love the idea of Nick trying to order Mariah to give up her heels. That would be like getting Posh Beckham to stop posing so hard, or trying to get Renee Zellweger to stop squinting. The heels (and the too-tight, inappropriate dresses) are what makes Mariah special. If she isn't tripping all over herself in too-high stripper heels, what is she? Photos courtesy of WENN.

Raccoon McPantless is our new spokesraccoon for masturbation Posted: 10 Dec 2010 10:15 AM PST These are some new photos of our beloved Raccoon McPantless yesterday, performing with her band The Pretty Reckless in Paris. Oh, Raccoon. You are the epitome of HARDCORE. Anyway, Raccoon gave an interview to Celebuzz about… you know, being HARDCORE. And RACCOON. Actually, she discusses how her underage vadge got naked for her video "Make Me Wanna Die" (video at the end of the post), and how our little Raccoon wants to be some kind of spokesraccoon for masturbation. The full Celebuzz piece is here, and here are the highlights: On going naked in her video: "It was held up in legal for a long time because I was 16 when we shot that. We couldn’t release it because, yes, I actually got naked.” (In the original video concept, Momsen strips down to the altogether while strolling through a graveyard; the eventually released version features a relatively more modest, lingerie-clad Momsen walking among the tombstones.) Why did Raccoon want to get naked? What was her raccoon-reasoning? “It’s such a complex song – and the video really reflects the song, in the way that I’d die for this person. And the point is: if you don’t do something that’s making you happy, you’re just working through possessions and shit; you’re dying with nothing anyway. So I’m stripping off my worldly possessions and giving them away. And then there’s hell raining down, just cause it looks cool.” The Spokesraccoon for masturbation: “I’m a promoter of masturbation. Don’t sleep around—learn yourself first! Guys do, but girls don’t. And that’s why girls have so many bad experiences. But you can know your body, know yourself, know what feels good. You don’t have to give yourself away just to have sexual relevance. Because I don’t think sex is something people should be afraid of. It’s part of human nature, so I don’t think it should be so shameful—particularly for girls and young girls.” [From Celebuzz] You know what? I kind of hate Raccoon and everything, and I think she's a horrible little girl and a sucky role model for young women and she’s just completely cheesy and stupid and insipid all around, but I can't really hate on her masturbation comments. She and I actually hold the same opinion about masturbation. SHOCK. I have a raccoon soul. Photos courtesy of Fame.

Did Rihanna dump Matt Kemp for cheating, and is she with Drake now? Posted: 10 Dec 2010 09:54 AM PST Last week, I made this Bossip story the lead link for the day - Bossip had video of Matt Kemp maybe/probably creeping out on Rihanna with some skeezy club girl. To be fair to Matt, he was with a group of friend-types, and the girl could have just been a friend. To be fair to Bossip, the girl looked like she was trying to pass her phone number, and Matt was all "Not in front of the paparazzi, slut." Anyway, Matt Kemp's fidelity is in question. And now Hello Beautiful and Terez Owens (amongst other urban sites) are reporting the rumor that Rihanna dumped him: Matt Kemp and Rihanna have been dating for quite a while..Throughout their relationship, rumors of cheating on both sides surfaced daily.. Now the baseball star and his pop star girlfriend have called it quits.With Kemp smack dab in the middle of his off-season, and Rihanna traveling the globe promoting her music, the two slowly drifted apart..Kemp's penchant for clubbing was also partly to blame for the demise of their relationship.. My sources tell me Kemp left a Hollywood club last week with two girls in tow and brought them home..My eyewitness who was there, tells me the two girls both crashed in Matt's room the entire night..I doubt he was reading them bedtime stories.. Rihanna was ready to move on as well..Her reported romance with Drake was semi responsible for the fights that eventually lead to the split..I wouldn't be surprised if they rekindled a few times..but my source tells me it's officially over. -TO [From Terez Owens] Rihanna and Drake? That's interesting. I could see that, I really could. As for Matt Kemp - oh, well. Maybe a Kardashian is available? It wouldn't surprise me if he was cheating, but it also wouldn't surprise me if he was just with other women while he and RiRi were on a "break" too, you know? We'll see. Photos courtesy of WENN.

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