Cele|bitchy

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• Hot Guy Friday: Much Ado About Dong
• Would Daniel Radcliffe’s “aw-shucks” act work on you?
• Enquirer: Pete Wentz is a pill addict and that’s what ended marriage to Ashlee
• Britney Spears’ new music video drops: cracked-out or cute?
• In Touch: Sandra Bullock rejected John Mayer’s offer to be friends with benefits
• Olivier Martinez is rethinking this whole Halle Berry thing
• Kate Middleton was “stunned & insulted” by Camilla Parker Bowles
• Star: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ under strain from Scientology’s exposure
• Benjamin Millepied is suddenly “too busy” to spend time with Natalie Portman
• Keith Urban gave Nicole Kidman a $120K “push present” for baby Faith

Hot Guy Friday: Much Ado About Dong Posted: 18 Feb 2011 08:04 AM PST From the desk of Joel McHale (By CB): Ladies, you may know me as Jeff Winger from that hilarious and underrated NBC comedy Community, or as the host of similarly hilarious and underrated E! series The Soup. Unlike Winger, I’m a one-lady type of man, but I am willing to make an exception for you. I’ve never done this before, but we have so much in common and I just find you enchanting. What are the odds that we would meet like this, on what would be a completely average day in our otherwise boring lives? You’re just so funny and you have a wider grasp of pop culture than anyone I’ve ever met before. Let’s go off together to this little resort I know in Tahiti and enjoy several days of mindless television punctuated by the wittiest banter you’ve ever heard followed by passionate tender lovemaking. You’re just so special to me and I want you to know that there’s more to life than the rut we’re each in. It will be like Bridges of Madison County, only pee your pants funny. - Love, Joel Here’s Joel getting semi-naked on Community. Starts at 2:10. John Legend (By CB) We got a request for Legend through Facebook and I thought “oh of course, why haven’t we considered him before?” I know why we haven’t - because he’s such a decent guy. There’s little drama with Legend, and if there is he keeps it under wraps. He’s an immensely talented and gorgeous one-woman man who doesn’t promote the hell out of himself. He’s solid boyfriend material, but these guys are usually taken and end up being the friend who always comes through for you, and who you secretly lust over. Bonus link to a pic of him shirtless. Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson (By CB) Oh the things this man must be able to do with his big strong arms and rock solid body. You know he would be strong but tender when it’s needed, and is the kind of man who could hold you down if you’re into that. He never takes a bad picture and he doesn’t take himself seriously. He even looked sexy playing a tooth fairy. Andrew Garfield. (By Kaiser) I know he's not anyone's main crush or anything, and although I liked the kid before, he wasn't even one of my top ten, or even top twenty dudes. But I have a story - I had a dream about him. It was one of those really vivid fever-like dreams, and it happened that night that I got sick on bad Chinese. I dreamt that I was folding laundry in my underwear, and Andrew Garfield came in and he was complimenting my ass, and then he came up behind me and was all "Let's go somewhere private." So we did, and that boy went to town on me! I mean… this was one of the most graphic X-rated dreams I've ever had. And so now I can't look at photos of Andrew Garfirled without blushing. That boy has a magic tongue. In my dreams. Channing Tatum. Speaking of dudes going to town on me. Yes, I've done guys like Channing - pretty-boy rednecks with sweet temperments and an easy, hustling smile. Whenever I hear a soft Southern accent and the gunning of a Ford pick-up, I'll admit, I get sexual nostalia. Channing Taum is Southern erotica. Josh Holloway. Speaking of hustlers with soft Southern accents… MY MAN. I just love him. Do I think he's a great actor? Eh, not really. He's an underrated actor, though, and I would love to see him work more, in television or film. As far as looks go… the pics with the shorter hair are more recent. I love his haircut. He looks so sexy when he's all clean and not scruffy. Oh, and I bet he smells like sweat and wood and soap. Heaven. Christian Slater. By popular request, after yesterday's absolutely wonderful Details interview. Although… nobody really needed convincing. Many of us grew up in the era when Christian was, like, The Coolest. And after a rough phase, Christian has now been sober for 5 years now, and he's a father and a husband and he's trying to be a working actor. Let's show him some love! Benjamin McKenzie. We get some requests for Ben every now and then, and while I think he's rather adorable, I don't really know anything about him. Like, I know he's pretty, but is he sexy? Can he give a good interview? Is he a jag, or is he a nice guy? I don't know. What I do know: beautiful bedroom eyes. Oh, and he's a Virgo. SOLD! Eion Bailey. This is a late-breaking addition, just because he was on 30 Rock last night. True Eion-loonies will know him from Band of Brothers, where he was unbelievably beautiful. He's still beautiful. And I have no idea why he doesn't get more work, because he's a solid dramatic actor, comedic actor, and oh yeah, HE'S GORGEOUS. And after 30 Rock, he's always going to be Anders, the Swiss male prostitute that Martha Stewart recommended. Gerard Butler, Forever Dong & Hot Dong Dessert. I just can't quit him. I can't ignore the love we have we have for each other. In his absence, I've tried to fill Gerard's mooby void with other men… like Michael Fassbender, or Anthony Mackie, or Vincent Cassel. But Gerard is the one I keep coming back to. He's my Forever Dessert. Especially with his new, luscious locks. And he's lost weight too - he just looks really good these days. And God knows, it took forever for him to get the stank of the past few years off of him, what I like to refer to as "The Moob & Mullet Years". He's so sleek now. Sleek and hot and dongtastic. Forever and ever. Photos courtesy of Emmy Magazine, WENN, Fame, Vanity Fair, GQ, Details, Esquire, Superherofan, Entertainment Weekly, Google Images.

Would Daniel Radcliffe’s “aw-shucks” act work on you? Posted: 18 Feb 2011 08:00 AM PST As some of you know, Daniel Radcliffe loves America, and he adores Broadway. So for one of his first post-Potter career moves, Dan is returning to the stage, taking the lead in How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying. To celebrate, Daniel was photographed by Annie Leibovitz for Vogue, and Vogue sent us this lovely video interview: My favorite part is when Dan goes over to the giantess models and introduces himself, shaking all of their hands politely, and then telling the interviewer how gorgeous all the models are. Dan is so wonderful that way - you'd think to yourself "Wow, he's a song-and-dance man on Broadway, he must be a confirmed bachelor" and then you realize that he must get laid like crazy. He's so sweet and unassuming, and I have to admit, I totally would. His act would totally work on me. I love him. Header photo courtesy of Vogue.

Enquirer: Pete Wentz is a pill addict and that’s what ended marriage to Ashlee Posted: 18 Feb 2011 07:50 AM PST Just about every tabloid has some account of the reasons behind the seemingly sudden split of Emo poster couple Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. There seem to be a lot of leaked stories from both sides, and as Kaiser reported previously US Weekly blamed Ashlee for the split, saying she’s been partying and hanging out with other guys. OK! Magazine, which we also covered, basically claimed that Pete was never around since he was touring with his band and that stressed Ashlee out. Well In Touch, The National Enquirer and Star all have their own takes too and I’ll start with The National Enquirer since their claims are the most explosive. I would guess this first report comes from team Ashlee. Enquirer: Pete is hooked on pills and booze, has “wandering eye” Fed up with the rocker’s abuse of prescription drugs, his wandering eye and because she feared for the safety of the couple’s 2 year-old son, the singer-actress filed for divorce on Feb. 9 after less than three years of marriage. Although Ashlee had been pressuring Pete to go to rehab for a while - and had even threatened to leave him - insiders say the troubled musician didn’t take her demands seriously until it was too late. “Ashlee realized that Pete had become a functioning addict and that he wasn’t making any effort to quit,” revealed an insider. He’d been taking the sleeping pill Ambien, the sedative Xanax and painkiller Oxycontin, said the source, and Ashlee had concerns about Pete’s behavior around their son Bronx… “When Pete drinks and takes pills, he goes wild. Ashlee doesn’t trust him to be faithful.” In Touch: They haven’t had sex since summer, Ashlee gave up, they both partied “The passion between them had died,” [Ashlee's] friend says. “They haven’t been intimate since last summer, and were sleeping in separate beds.” Star: It was complicated, they were both attracted to other people [A] source tells Star that whispers about the nature of Pete’s relationship with Bebe Rexha, the sexy new singer for Black Cards, “definitely helped push Ashlee over the edge. And with Pete and Bebe about to go on tour together, I think it was eating away Ashlee to the point of no return.” Ashlee… found [a shoulder to lean on] in her ex-boyfriend Ray Brady, former guitarist for her band. On Jan. 26… Ashlee posted a new photo to her Twitter account showing her and Ray having a cozy dinner together. Star: Ashlee broke up with Pete over the phone and he missed Superbowl Despite the mounting problems in their marriage, friends say that Pete was genuinely blindsided by Ashlee’s decision. And that seem clear on Saturday, Feb. 5, when Pete received a sudden phone call from Ashlee while he wsa partying in Dallas the day before the Superbowl… “He was supposed to stay in town to see the game on Sunday, then return to L.A. the day after. But he suddenly got a phone call about a ‘family emergency’ and ended up rushing out of Dallas that night. He never got to see the game.” That phone call was Ashlee killing two birds with one stone, a source tells Star. “She broke the news that she was going to divorce him and ruined his big Superbowl weekend at the same time!” [Print editions, sources quoted in text] Both The Enquirer and Star have that story about how Ashlee called Pete during his trip to Dallas before the Super Bowl to break the news that she was divorcing him. And by most all accounts Pete was shocked and begged her not to do it. The Enquirer story makes the most sense to me. If Pete was taking all those prescription drugs that would explain why he wasn’t interested in sex at all. Being hooked on pills like that can really change a person and make them irresponsible and unreliable. Meanwhile Ashlee was drinking and partying toward the end because she knew it was over and was blowing off steam. They were too young to get married, and Pete needs to get off the pills. Hopefully little Bronx will be ok throughout this mess. Pete is shown in the header on 12/31/10. He’s shown with Bronx below on 11/27/10 and with Bronx and Ashlee in October and November of last year. Credit: Fame

Britney Spears’ new music video drops: cracked-out or cute? Posted: 18 Feb 2011 07:40 AM PST I really, really wish I had the time or the inclination to do a second-by-second analysis of Britney Spears' new music video for "Hold It Against Me". Alas, I do not. I will describe my first thoughts upon watching 30 seconds of the video: "So… a meteor… then Britney hawking her perfume line, I think… and Britney only dances on her top half while nothing happens below the waist… and Britney is a space-age Miss Havisham…?" Here's the video: Okay, stuff I like: I like her wig in the part where she's dancing. I like Britney's little white halter-bra thing for that part too. I like all of the cuts of her old videos too - that's kind of cool. And I do like the song - compared to Gaga's "Born This Way" I think "Hold It Against Me" is a better dance song. Stuff I hate: I hate feeling so old, because these fast cuts are giving me a headache. I hate the "wedding dress". I hate that they needed all of the fast cuts because Britney probably could only "perform" a few seconds at a time. And I hate the part where Britney is "fighting with herself". Ugh.

In Touch: Sandra Bullock rejected John Mayer’s offer to be friends with benefits Posted: 18 Feb 2011 07:20 AM PST This story in In Touch cracked me the hell up. Supposedly Johnny Depp-morphing (read: gaining weight and growing scraggly facial hair without the style and substance to carry it off) John Mayer somehow propositioned Sandra Bullock through mutual friends or something. The details are scant and this story could be completely fabricated, but it made me laugh and you know Mayer would be down with Sandy if she’d have him. Sandra of course supposedly told Mayer she was flattered but would rather spend the night with her vibrator from 1999 even when the batteries are dead. John Mayer thinks he’s the perfect man to cheer up the Oscar winner. “John is trying hard to get fixed up with Sandra,” a mutual friend tells In Touch. And according to a pal, in typical John fashion, he’s got an ulterior motive. Following a string of high-profile romances that all ended badly, the singer is eager to repair his reputation, and he thinks that dating America’s Sweetheart will improve his “love them and leave them” image, says the pal. “John likes dating famous women, it’s a turn on for him,” explains the pal. “And who’s more famous than Sandra Bullock? He knows Sandra’s probably not going to date him, but he did offer to enter a friends-with-benefits situation.” For her part, Sandra is amused by the attention. “She was flattered and had a good laugh when she found out about it, but she turned John down because she’s looking for a relationship and not just a booty call,” says the friend. “Sandra’s looking for someone to grow old with and she doesn’t think John’s the type who will ever settle down.” [From Star Magazine, print edition, February 28, 2011] How does this jibe with the report that John and Miley Cyrus were getting touchy-feely at the Grammys? (Sidenote: John called Miley a “child” in late 2009. I just found that story.) We know that John’s only type is “white” (sorry to be so blunt about that, but he said it) and that he goes for older as well as inappropriately younger women. So these reports aren’t mutually exclusive. Mayer could be sliming his pseudo intellectual douche all over Miley Cyrus while putting his feelers out for Sandra Bullock. Sandra’s been around the block, though. She knows what Mayer is about. This got me thinking about Sandra Bullock’s love life. I hope she’s getting laid well and often and that she’s got a secret lover somewhere. She doesn’t have to settle for some rebound sex with Ryan Reynolds whenever it’s convenient for him. Photo credit: WENN.com

Olivier Martinez is rethinking this whole Halle Berry thing Posted: 18 Feb 2011 07:15 AM PST Well, this was completely predictable. After all of the dramatics over the past month between Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, it seems Halle's boyfriend of six months, Olivier Martinez, is starting to wonder… "Hey, this bitch is crazy. Maybe I shouldn't be with her?" This comes on the heels of the Enquirer's reporting that Halle wants Olivier to be Nahla's "new daddy" - which Gabriel is understandably upset about. Halle Berry's love affair with French movie star Olivier Martinez has hit the rocks as Halle's child custody battle threatens to sink their relationship. Halle and Olivier are having bitter arguments triggered bu Halle's ugly clashes with Gabriel Aubry. "They have been fighting constantly," a source told the Enquirer. "Halle's mood swings are to blame. She is stressed about her conflict with Gabriel and has been taking it out on Olivier." Olivier cautioned Halle to handle the custody issue behind closed doors, but she proceeded to get in a public mud-slinging match with Gabriel. "Olivier has seen a side of Halle he doesn't like - and that has got him thinking she isn't the one for him." [From The National Enquirer, print edition] This is what I've been wondering since the beginning of Halle's Campaign of Destruction: What the hell does her new boyfriend think? While I don't think Olivier is the brightest bulb, I think even the most dense of guys would see huge red flags all over this situation and try to exit stage left. I mean… this is how she's treating her last significant other, the father of her child. How is she going to treat you when it's all over? I should represent Halle’s side too. Obviously, Olivier is racist. And abusive. There. One last story - In Touch Weekly has an interview with Halle's "estranged half-sister" Renee Berry. Renee tells ITW that she would advise Halle to "Bitch, be cool" - that is, if they were speaking. Renee says: "You don't get your wings by holding grudges… I hate that she's going through with this custody battle. I'm sure it's difficult for both her and Gabriel, but they should remember that the child comes first, and they should spare the child from being subjected to any of this." Renee also says that Gabriel has a right to be a father to Nahla, and that Nahla has a right to have her dad in her life: "If he wants to be a father, he should be allowed to do so. After all, so many men in this country run away from their responsibilities." Wow… a reasonable person with the last name "Berry". Shocking! Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Kate Middleton was “stunned & insulted” by Camilla Parker Bowles Posted: 18 Feb 2011 06:41 AM PST Last week, paparazzi got photos of Camilla Parker Bowles (HRH The Duchess of Cornwall) exiting a restaurant where she and Kate Middleton had enjoyed a lunch. The British papers claimed that the meeting was all good - that Camilla was giving Kate some pointers, some advice, and that Kate took it all in stride. The American tabloids, however, claim that the meeting went really, really badly. The Enquirer's Mike Walker claims that Camilla has convinced Prince Charles that Kate shouls only be allowed to invite a "handful" of guests to the wedding, and that Camilla is conspiring to get all of HER guests royal invites. According to Walker's sources, when Kate found out, she bitched out William and told him to stand up to his father and his step-mother, and that William totally did. Now, Kate can allegedly invite whoever she wants. I don't really buy any of that - because Kate is a geisha. She's not fighting with anyone over anything. But that's not all! Star Magazine had another take: Planning the wedding of her dreams has turned into Kate Middleton's nightmare! Camilla Parker Bowles is sticking her nose into every detail, and Kate isn't prepared to put up with it! During their lunch on February 9, Camilla was overheard telling Kate "If I can give you one bit of advice…" after which followed a long-winded lecture from Camilla about Kate's wedding being too flashy, especially given the recession. Camilla even suggested sausages and minimizes for the wedding dinner. "Kate was stunned and insulted," says an insider. "She and William have a budget, of course, but the wedding is definitely going to be a luxurious affair." Camilla also smugly told Kate she needs to dial back the glamour - and not just on her wedding day. "She warned Kate that she shouldn't go 'the Diana way' and get too caught up in the glitz of being a royal," the insider says. "Kate couldn't believe that Camills held up Diana as an example of what not to be like… she has enormous respect for Diana because of what she did for the world and her sons. Kate was livid, and she told Camilla exactly what she thought of her." After the lunch, "Camilla actually called William after and told him that Kate is too headstrong." Meanwhile, "Kate told William she never wants to spend time with Camilla like that again." [From Star Magazine, print edition] The article goes on to detail how Kate is "pushing the envelope" and demanding her way on everything, including access to all of the royal properties so that she can "jog in peace" without the peasants milling about. According to Star, Kate is super-assertive and everyone is giving in to her because she waited for so long and they think she deserves it. My take? Kate is not assertive. Kate is not pushy. Kate is patient. She is quiet. She is reserved. She is anything the royals want her to be. But yeah, Camilla sounds like a real bitch here. We knew that already, right? Photos courtesy of WENN.

Star: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ under strain from Scientology’s exposure Posted: 18 Feb 2011 06:06 AM PST Star Magazine and The National Enquirer both have stories this week about how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ relationship is on the rocks. There’s not a lot of insider information in either tabloid, and the story in Star seems to be based on the very damning report in the New Yorker on Scientology that was published last week, along with some tell-all interviews with former cult members. There was also a dinner that Tom and Kate had at a restaurant in Vancouver on February 7 in which they sat far apart and seemed to interact more with Suri than with each other. (Those pictures are here.) I think it’s safe to assume they’re having issues, but whether or not they’re affected by the shakedown of their cult remains to be seen. There’s so much brainwashing and groupthink that goes on with those type of organizations that both of them may simply think that Scientology is under attack by Subversive Persons or Squirrels (see Mark Rathbun) or whatever the f’ck they call them, which could just cause them to circle their wagons. That might not necessarily drive them apart. I love that the tabloids are really paying attention to the Scientology drama, though, and Star reports it in detail. I’ll just do a quick overview here: FBI Probe: Tearing Tom & Katie Apart! A shocking expose has turned the microscope on Scientology - and it’s most famous members, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Now the FBI is involved. Will their marriage survive the stress? With her head in her hands, staring glumly out at the crowded restaurant, Katie Holmes looked like she had a lot on her mind during a Feb. 7 dinner with hubby Tom Cruise. While he played and chatted with daughter Suri, Katie was left alone with her thoughts - and it didn’t appear that they were happy ones. Indeed, sources say that a blockbuster new Scientology expose has sent Katie reeling and driven a wedge between her and Tom. [From Star Magazine, print edition, February 28, 2011] They go into the charges of human trafficking and the FBI probe as was discussed in the New Yorker article. (That claim has been denied by Scientology of course.) They also cover the cult slave labor that built multiple vehicles for cruise, including custom motorcycles, an SUV, an airport hanger, and a bus that was tricked out so that Katie Holmes should get her daily brainwashing sessions wherever they went. As far as how this latest cult scandal affects Tom and Katie, Star reports that “Tom has told Katie over and over that the church hasn’t done anything wrong and they shouldn’t be worried, but she’s not totally convinced. This is really testing their marriage.” The Enquirer’s story is similar but more general about the issues they have, with the title “Katie Holmes breaks down” followed by these bullet points “She’s in tears over: - Faltering Career - Scientology Scandal - Fights with Tom over baby - Problems with stepdaughter” They quote an insider who claims that “Katie’s world is threatening to cave in, and she’s on the bring of a major breakdown.” Given all I’ve heard about Scientology, that’s often true when people start questioning the cult. Katie may have countless more resources at her disposal than a typical cult member if she ever decides to leave, but it’s not going to be easy for her at all. Katie Holmes is shown on 1/20/11 below on the LA set of Jack N Jill. She’s shown out with Tom and Suri on 12/20/11. In most of those photos she looks happy honestly, but the tabloids are of course using one where she looks pissed off. Credit: Fame.

Benjamin Millepied is suddenly “too busy” to spend time with Natalie Portman Posted: 18 Feb 2011 06:01 AM PST In Touch Weekly has an interesting little story about Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied this week. It's actually something that I've been wondering about, ever since I read Benjamin's New York Times profile - in the profile, he not only seemed like he was an unprofessional, famewhoring douche, but he also sounded really, really busy. The Ballet K-Fed is striking while the iron is hot, as they say, and it's looking more and more like he's not around for his baby-mama. ITW's piece is called "Natalie Portman's Love Trouble: Is her fiancé suddenly too busy for her?" You know it's going to be good! Natalie Portman is at one of the highest points of her life. The mom-to-be is the odds-on favorite to win a best actress statuette at this year's Oscars, and she's engaged to be married. But behind-the-scenes, an insider says she still has relationship gripes with her fiancé, Benjamin Millepied. "The pregnancy has not been very easy, partly because Benjamin is too busy with his career," says the insider. "She wants him to be around more, but he's working nonstop, while her workload has slowed down. He is choreographing multiple ballets right now, and is scheduled for up to three years of work." Benjamin has also missed some family engagements and important doctor sppointments that Natalie wanted him to show up to. "Ben's career is at its prime," the insider adds. "But she's scared he's not excited about being a dad." [From In Touch Weekly, print edition] Years ago, I remember reading some study that was done on soon-to-be baby-daddies and how their partners' pregnancies affected the caveman part of their brain. The study claimed that while we think a baby-daddy would be super-protective of his partner during the pregnancy, biologically, men are hard-wired to spend more time working and "providing" when their partners are expecting because the caveman brain thinks that, you know, the meat needs to be stockpiled and there's extra hunting to be done. I don't know if that's really the case, or if the study was full of crap, but it's an interesting take on what's happening here. Personally, I've been slightly surprised that Benjamin hasn't been Natalie's "date" for every Oscar occasion - he was with her at the Globes, but I don't think he came to the SAGs, or anywhere else. It could be that he's just super-busy with his own thing, and that he cares about being a father and he's just going all caveman. Or it could totally be that Benjamin doesn't really give a crap and that Natalie chose the wrong K-Fed to knock her up. Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Keith Urban gave Nicole Kidman a $120K “push present” for baby Faith Posted: 18 Feb 2011 05:27 AM PST I just spent way too much time looking through photos of Nicole Kidman and her Lips of Doom. No, seriously, I wasn't really trying to look at her lips, but they were like an alien tractor beam sucking me in. My real purpose for going through the Kidman photo archives was to see if we had any photos of her wearing this cross necklace mentioned in the following story. Unfortunately, we don't have any photos of it. So… picture it in your brainsicles: a big, expensive-looking diamond and emerald cross pendant necklace. That's what Keith Urban gave Nicole Kidman as a "push present" for baby Faith. She didn't give birth, but Nicole Kidman still got a "push present" from husband Keith Urban when their baby daughter Faith was born to a surrogate. According to a friend, Keith designed an emerald-and-diamond cross that he gave Nicole soon after Faith was delivered. "Keith worked with a jeweler, but he pretty much came up with the look," a friend explained. "He spent around $120,000." [From In Touch Weekly, print edition] My only criticism is that it shouldn't be called a "push present". Just in general, I find that term very patronizing, and in this particular case, inaccurate. That being said, I like the idea of a man giving his wife/baby-mama a significant piece of jewelry upon the birth of their child. I think it's a lovely way to mark the occasion, and it's a tradition that works. Just don't call it a "push present". Especially when another woman did the pushing, for the love of God. Photos courtesy of WENN.

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