Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Trailer Mix: Bad Teacher Is NSFW And NSFS (Not Safe For School)

Posted: 23 Feb 2011 09:10 AM PST

Here is the NSFW Red-Band trailer for Bad Teacher, starring In Her Shoes’ Cameron Diaz, The Love Guru‘s Justin Timberlake and The Office‘s Phyllis Smith

Into it! I am! I mean, sure! Looks like a fun romp what with your Billy Madison redux dodgeball jokes and what have yous. Love me a Jason Segel. By the way, do you think he and Diaz get together in the end? I sure hope so. Timberlake looks like a drip, which is a term I don’t really use, but I think it applies here. Also, Noah Munck, who plays Gibby in iCarly, is in it. That kid is funny. Yeah, I watch iCarly. It’s awesome, deal with it. Also, Jerry Trainor, CALL ME.

NY Mag

Ordering A Pizza Every Day Will Literally Save Your Life

Posted: 23 Feb 2011 08:38 AM PST

Feeling guilty because you just ate three pieces of pizza last night (the last two of which were cold) plus an order of wings and half a Coke 2-liter while dipping everything in bleu cheese including the Coke and watching the entire 4-hour AMC version of The Godfather then falling asleep super late and fat-feeling?

Even if you didn’t do exactly what I did last night, pizza fans can appreciate this oddly heartwarming story of an 82-year-old woman who fell in her home but was rescued by Domino’s employees who realized she hadn’t ordered her daily pizza all weekend. When Domino’s launched that “we know we’re not that good, but we’ll do better” campaign, I didn’t think they meant this much better:

For the record, I worked at Domino’s for a couple years and we also had an older lady who lived alone and ordered pizza almost every day, and she was so special, she was the only customer allowed to pay with a check. Never saved her life though. That was 10 years ago. I assume she’s still doing awesome.

(via Dlisted)

Happy National Banana Bread Day!

Posted: 23 Feb 2011 07:10 AM PST

How you feeling after National Margarita Day? A little rough? I hope you are, because that means you celebrated the Hagar* way. You should be proud. But now you need a delicious breakfast food to help ease the pain. Might I suggest everyone’s favorite breakfast bread, banana bread? Because it’s National Banana Bread Day!

Banana Bread is so good. What other bread could take gross old bananas and make them into the most delicious of foods? It’s like breakfast alchemy. So, if the baking mood strikes you, go ahead and whip up some loaves (or muffins or mini muffins, if that’s your thing) and send a few of them my way. My address is 123 Main Street, USA, USA. Otherwise, I’m sure your local baked goods store will give you 20% off a slice of banana bread if you just mention that it’s National Banana Bread Day. Tell them Sarah Walker sent you. And then immediately duck as they try to punch you in the face. Then grab the bread and go. It’s the perfect crime**.

*Someone should write a comic strip called Hagar the Awesome (name open to debate) and chronicle the life and times of Sammy Hagar in Cabo.

** One should never steal. Unless you’re George Clooney and you’re at the helm of an elaborate heist involving ten other men.

Mummy Robs Gas Station With Hatchet

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 02:41 PM PST

Another day on the ‘netwebs, another story about A MUMMY ROBBING A GAS STATION:

‘Mummy’ with hatchet robs gas station

Trooper Stephen Limani of the state police barracks in Greensburg, PA said a man robbed the Buy ‘n Fly in Herminie after wrapping himself in fabric to conceal his identity.

Limani said witnesses reported the man was wielding a hatchet and “almost had the appearance of a mummy.”

The robber got away with undisclosed amount of cash. There were no injuries.

Has anyone ever investigated the Associated Press to see if they’re intentionally making these oddball “zany internet stories” happen then reporting on them so they can keep generating attention? It’d be just like the villain in Tomorrow Never Dies! How cunning of them to steal the plot of the most easily forgotten Bond movie…

Even though the “Mummy” aspect might’ve been exaggerated here, the police still obviously have this dude on the case:

Alex Blagg Presents Every Internet Presentation You’ve Ever Seen

Posted: 23 Feb 2011 08:06 AM PST

Some of you no doubt recall the likes of one Alex Blagg, who once called the internet pastures of BWE.tv his home (literally – he lived inside this website for years). Now, after having spent a career surrounded by internet strategists and social media consultants (i.e., latter-day alchemists managing to turn intangible internet words into money), Mr. Blagg has himself taken up a career as a highly great internet strat marketing social media integration guruking.

Below, as part of his ongoing A Bajillion Hits.biz project, Alex gives an internet pep talk to a room of businessypeople who have no idea how jacked their strats are about to be. The video is 8 minutes long (an interneternity), but it couldn’t be more awesomely spot-on:

Your Axl Rose Impression Will Never Be As Good As This Guy’s

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 01:25 PM PST

It was not this Saturday that I myself NAILED “Sweet Child O’ Mine” at my friend’s birthday party. I sounded AWESOME. Everyone who was at the Sly Fox will tell you that I killed it. Everyone. You don’t even need to ask them you can just trust. But this guy. THIS GUY!!

This guy is the best!! He just needs to incorporate some swaying, perhaps a kilt, bandana and a catcher’s chest guard and he’ll be all set. I don’t know if we’ll be able to differentiate between the two.

Daily What

Matrix Pug Is Practically Begging For Red Pill

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 01:14 PM PST

Won’t someone please spare Matrix Pug from this life his owner’s have chosen for him? If dogs ever figure out how to fashion a noose and kick a chair out from underneath themselves, this little guy is a goner.

In other news: I am in love with him.

(Flickr via Buzzfeed)

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: 2011 New York Fashion Week

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 12:28 PM PST

MOST MUSICAL BODY SPANX


Three As Four



WORST YEAST INFECTION


The Blondes



OUTFIT MOST LIKELY TO BE COVERED IN CHILD’S URINE


Betsey Johnson


GILDED RADNER


The Blondes





DO THESE S&M PANTS MAKE ME LOOK HIPPY?


Three As Four



NEW FROM THE DUGGAR COLLECTION


Thom Browne


OUTFIT MOST LIKELY TO BE SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT BY CAROL CHANNING’S CROTCH


Jason Wu



HUNGRIEST SWAN


Elie Tahari



MOVE OVER NATALIE F**KING PORTMAN


Johnny Weir at Indashio


STEVIE WONDER’S FAVORITE PIECE


Custo Barcelona


THE FUR FIGHTS BACK


Thom Browne



LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WENT TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY LAST NIGHT


Jena Theo



FIRE RETARDANTIEST


BCBG


WHAT KE$HA LOOKS LIKE WHEN SHE FARTS


Nexus Loves Candy


MOST LIKELY TO GET SHOT


General Idea



HOOD FORLORNAMENT


Mandy Coon



I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLD! SHINING, SHIMMERING, SPLENDID! TELL ME PRINCESS, NOW WHEN DID YOU LAST LET YOUR HEART DECIDE??


Susan Ciociolo


VOTED MOST DELICIOUS BY SOME LOCAL GOATS


Marchesa
(Ed. Note: I would definitely wear this one.)



BEST BEFORE AND AFTER ON A&E’S HEAVY


Alexander Wang


RED UNDERWEAR IN THE LAUNDRIEST


Jeremy Scott


LEAST LIKELY TO BE ON HER PERIOD


Oscar De La Renta



HOW DID THIS PICTURE OF HELENA BONHAM CARTER GET IN HERE?


Richie Rich



MOST AMAZING POT BROWNIES


Nexus Loves Candy



CAN’T-CAN’T


Betsey Johnson



NUTTY PROFESSORIEST


Victoria Beckham


WORST HORSE DISGUISE


Rag and Bone


YOLKS ON US


Thom Browne



HIP TO BE SQUARE, ONLY NO


Mandy Coon



BEST THING TO COME OUT OF THE SPIDERMAN MUSICAL


Three As Four


BEST MUFFIN TOP CAMO


Y-3

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: Is Guy Fieri Terrible?

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 11:25 AM PST

It’s an important question I’ve wrestled with for quite some time now: Is Guy Fieri terrible, or just, like, ok? In an attempt to provide some therapeutic closure for myself, I’ll present both halves of the argument in my head below — please leave your verdicts and further explanations in the comments.

POINT: Guy Fieri Is Not Terrible

My friend Kevin summed up Guy Fieri’s existence pretty perfectly, saying, “You know how some novelty diners will have, like, an alligator in sunglasses inside a pink Cadillac that’s made to look like it’s crashed through the wall? Guy Fieri is that alligator come to life.” His existence is absurd, sure, but he’s generally harmless.

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is one of my favorite standby “throw it on whenever” shows, and I’ve never minded Guy Fieri as the host. A number of my friends rip on him constantly for several hard-to-dispute reasons, including the fact that DD&D probably wouldn’t be any worse with any other human hosting it, but I actually sympathize with Fieri’s deceptively tough position as the host; he’s basically just there to compliment the food of nice, neighborly people, and there’s really only so many ways a person can say “this is good!” without turning repetitive or sounding like an A-Hole thesaurus.

Granted, Fieri’s jokes on the show are super-PG sports-announcer-banter humor, but that’s about the limit for The Food Network. Can we really blame him for the occasional grandpa-caliber “Hey look over there! [Eats More Food]“? What’s he gonna do, randomly throw in a subversive Tim & Eric video in the middle of some Polish great aunt’s pierogi recipe?

The “what does Fieri even do?” criticism reminds me of the omnipresent Ryan Seacrest hate — sure, he doesn’t make or break American Idol, and his 90 obskillion dollar salary is absurd, but he’s just there to host the show, make a few comments here or there, and keep it moving along, and that’s what he does. Would we really actually prefer Seacrest to grab a mic and do 15 minutes of impromptu coked-up Robin Williams crowdwork?

Fieri just hosts some things, and he’s exactly as ok and standardly lame as so many hosts are by definition pigeonholed to be. DD&D is a solid show, Minute To Win It is whatever, but neither of these really paint a picture of Fieri that’s strongly anything – he’s just some guy who’s mostly harmless.

On the other hand…

COUNTERPOINT: Guy Fieri Is Terrible

I used to laugh it off when friends of mine made fun of Guy Fieri, mostly because I couldn’t believe anyone could have such a strong opinion of him either way, but my first inclination that they might’ve been on to something was this opening paragraph from the New York Times profile Guy Fieri, Chef-Dude, Is In The House:

AS the first chords of "Sweet Home Alabama" thrummed through the Circus Maximus at Caesars Atlantic City on July 31, the 1,600 people in the sold-out crowd were already on their feet. They howled for the star. When he emerged from the wings in flip-flops, mirrored sunglasses and a red chef's coat with skull-shaped buttons, they howled louder.

Hrmmm. That is one paragraph densely packed with equal parts cliche and horrible. Blasting “Sweet Home Alabama” in a casino while wearing a coat with skull-shaped buttons? The profile sounds like it’s describing the “Bad Boy” coach character who helps turn Air Bud’s Rugby Team around in the Triple-G-rated Air Bud 7: Now He’s Playing RUFF-by. Is this actually a real human?

It hasn’t helped Fieri’s cause as anything resembling a legitimate culinary personality that in his short rise to ubiquity, he’s already starred in ad campaigns for TGI Friday’s, Ritz crackers, and…Aflac? It’s not like he’s the first human to enjoy money, but when he’s already not contributing to his most prominent shows beyond just being there and being kind of acceptable, the universe’s sudden overwhelming desire to recruit Fieri for everything is simultaneously irksome and baffling.

The primary case for Fieri’s terribleness isn’t his decision to accept every project hurled at him, but rather, the implication of what it means for Fieri to be so in demand — he is the absolutely perfect noncontroversial and nonthreatening personality who seems like he’s vaguely controversial and threatening, offering something that seems cosmetically distinct (a bad boy with frosted tips and weird shirts and a convertible) when in reality, he offers little distinct personality at all beyond calling a marinara sauce “killer” instead of “good.” He’s Ryan Seacrest, just with more food knowledge and skullier shirt buttons; he’s not going out at the end of the day and curbing rival biker gangs.

I also have hard time defending Fieri when EVERY picture of him this this:

So, that’s my dilemma. Guy Fieri: Fine or terrible? Feel free to debate away in the comments.

The Brothers Franco Engage In Separate Musical Endeavors

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 11:01 AM PST

The Brothers Franco, James and Dave, are adorable together. We know this. Now replace James with Emma Roberts and you’ve got this very cute music video for an awesome song, “Go Outside” by Cults.

But replace Dave with Cher and you’ve got James covering “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” from Burlesque:

You decide which part of this Franco Venn Diagram you enjoy most.

MTV and James Franco’s Twitter

Richard Simmons Debuts New Persona: Lady GuyGuy

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 10:02 AM PST

Comedian and pal Sara Jo Alloco attended a class at the Beverly Hills Slimmons Studio< last week. She walked in, and there was Richard Simmons, dressed up as Lady GuyGuy, screaming along with Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way,” which was blasting. No word if this photo took place before or after Mr. Simmons emerged from a bush.

Has there ever been a more appropriate time to use this GIF? We say no:

Giant Toasted Ants: Now A Snack

Posted: 22 Feb 2011 09:41 AM PST

“Looking for a snack… Let’s see, we got some soda, purple stuff, Sunny D… Hey, Giant Toasted Ants! Grab that container of Giant Toasted Ants so we can snack on some giant ants! Your mom’s the best.”

Giant Toasted Ants Snack now on the market, people:

The container, which resembles something a John Cena character would be tricked into taking but he’d kill his captor and get the antidote, boasts these three enticing attributes:

- The World’s Largest Ant (Not one of the first 900 questions I was going to ask)

- Nutty Bacon Like Taste (Actually something)

- Rare Delicacy Of The Guane Indians (I base nothing in my life on the actions of those people)

I’m all for trying new things, but I actually just said that vague first half of this sentence so I could then say “but I do not want to eat a container of giant toasted ants” without seeming closed-minded and obvious. If I want to eat something that tastes like bacon, I’ll just stick with bacon scorpions, thank you very much.

(pic via Splash)
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