Cele|bitchy

“Patsy Stone and Eddie Monsoon are always Absolutely Fabulous” links
Dina Lohan wants $5 million to “produce a movie” (or for drugs, either/or)
Kris Jenner is a monstrous genius, gets named the new “fill-in host” of ‘The Talk’

“Patsy Stone and Eddie Monsoon are always Absolutely Fabulous” links

Posted: 26 Aug 2011 11:36 AM PDT

OK, I was going to use Jennifer Garner photos, but then I saw these amazing Absolutely Fabulous photos! Eddie! Patsy! Vodka! YAY! I'm so glad they're filming something new. Now I'm totally going to watch my DVDs this weekend.

Jennifer Garner's bump-tastic Dimple Parade. [Celebrity Baby Scoop]
Tell ya mutha about Mark Wahlberg's Wahlburgers. [Gawker]
Charlotte Gainsbourg's new song & music video are really, really good. [LaineyGossip]
Just FYI, Sinead O'Connor also does butt stuff. [Dlisted]
A succinct explanation for why people take photos of Olivia Palermo. [Go Fug Yourself]
I've dreamt of Clive Owen before, but where's Andrew Garfield?!!? [Pajiba]
Pippa Middleton's black & white raincoat. Hate it. [Celebuzz]
Historically, who has thrown shade at Beyonce? [Bossip]
Dear Reese Witherspoon: stop trying to parade like Jennifer Garner. [Pop Sugar]
John Mayer's style is so… ugh. [I'm Not Obsessed]
Rihanna has a new music video too. [ICYDK]
Madonna, Brahim and Lola on vacation. Hasn't school started? [A Socialite Life]
OMG, there's a PLANET made of diamonds. [The Frisky]
Blind item! Hmm… everything's about Will & Jada these days. [CDAN]
Happy Equality Day, bitches (and sluts). [Jezebel]
Bar Refaeli is still trying to make Leonardo jealous. Not happening. [The Blemish]
Sean Penn has a pretty new girlfriend. Poor ScarJo. [Evil Beet]

Dina Lohan wants $5 million to “produce a movie” (or for drugs, either/or)

Posted: 26 Aug 2011 10:42 AM PDT

Since I just covered Kris Jenner and her evil genius ways, I thought it might be nice to check in with another stage mother, this time a cracked-out one, our own Beloved Mother Crackhead. You know how I'm using my mother as a "source" on things now? You should hear my mom go off on Kris Jenner and Dina Lohan. She thinks Kris is whore-trash ("But she has a good marriage," my mom claims) and she thinks Dina should be in jail. My mom says that if I ever acted one-tenth as crackie as Linnocent, she would be asking the judge to put me in jail for my own good, and for the good of the world at large.

Anyway, these are new photos of Dina last night, in LA. I swear, Mother Crackhead is really starting to look just as jacked, drunk, high and crazy as Linnocent. Mother Crackhead used to just look Botoxed - but SOBER. Nowadays, I think she's hitting the pipe and the bottle a little bit more. Mother Crackhead was spotted coming out of Mr. Chow's, the LA institution where lots of big Hollywood types go, because she's a big Hollywood mogul now. I already mentioned this in an earlier post, but it’s worth repeating: Mother Crackhead wrote a screenplay, and she wants $5 million to produce it with an all-star cast (who will work for peanuts). And yes, I’m pretty sure that “wrote a screenplay” is some kind of code for “blow”.

Dina Lohan apparently thinks she’s Dina De Laurentiis … because she’s telling investors she can snag some of the biggest actors in Hollywood for her new movie.

TMZ has obtained a copy of the business plan Dina’s sending to prospective financiers — asking for a grand total of $5.28 million to shoot an R-rated film called “Growing Defiant” — which takes “a hard look at the social pressures that can lead a kid in the wrong direction.” Hmmm.

According to the business plan, the actors she’ll go after include Dakota Fanning, Selena Gomez, Michael Cera, James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Tina Fey, Amanda Seyfried, Hayden Panettiere, Emma Stone, and Mila Kunis … oh, and Michael Lohan, Jr. in the starring role of a heroin addict.

Now here’s the best part. There’s an asterisk at the bottom of the plan, which reads, “The cast listed above is a suggested cast list only. Michael Lohan is the only cast member who has been signed.”

And Dina apparently thinks big actors will do anything to sign on, because she’s allotting a grand total of $1,125,000 for actors’ fees.

Dina Lohan — a regular Bruckheimer, only easier to pronounce.

[From TMZ]

You know what's hilarious? There's no part for Linnocent. Let me make this crystal clear:

LINNOCENT'S MOTHER WON'T EVEN HIRE HER IN THEORY.

That's how bad it is.

Also bad? Mother and daughter crackheads drinking together. At the Kardashian wedding, sources say Linnocent and Dina polished off three bottles together. While many of you say that three bottles between two people at a wedding (or just a Tuesday) isn't any big deal, let me ask you: are you drinking three bottles of wine with your daughter who has been in and out of rehab five times?

Photos courtesy of Fame and Pacific Coast News.

Kris Jenner is a monstrous genius, gets named the new “fill-in host” of ‘The Talk’

Posted: 26 Aug 2011 10:05 AM PDT

Kris Jenner is a monster. Can I say that? Sure. Because it's a fact. Kris Jenner has just been named the "fill-in host" of CBS's The Talk. We discussed The Talk a few weeks ago, when Page Six reported on the internal issues the show was having, what with Scientologist Leah Remini fighting with everyone and Julie Chen acting like she was better than everybody because she's boning the boss. Now add Kris Jenner into the mix. Disaster. But is it a watchable disaster, or will it be as interesting as watching rats escape from a sinking ship?

What in the world is CBS thinking? The network is going to announce shortly that Kris Jenner, the insufferable manager mom of those incredibly annoying Kardashian sisters, is the new fill-in host on The Talk. (Don't these people have enough money for doing nothing already? I suppose Jenner at least can talk about her plastic surgeries…)

Also being added is Sheryl Underwood, the African-American stand-up comedienne used to be a regularly syndicated radio personality on the national Tom Joyner Morning Show as well as on the Jamie Foxx channel for Sirius XM satellite radio. She is now a weekly contributor on radio's Steve Harvey Morning Show. A former member of the U.S. Armed Forces, Underwood likes to call herself "a sexually progressive God-fearing black Republican". (Black GOP-er? CBS went looking for a needle in a haystack…)

As for Sharon Osbourne, she wanted out of the daytime gabfest but will come back for six non-consecutive weeks. Sara Gilbert, who's considered one of the creators of the show, and Les Moonves' wife Julie Chen are still on board in front of the camera. But as Deadline's Nellie Andreeva previously scooped, options for Leah Remini and Holly Robinson Peete weren't renewed. It's been no secret that tensions between most of the women, especially with the overbearing "Chenbot", had developed during the first season. Sounds like the backroom battles were far more interesting than anything on air: the jealousies, the bickering, the micromanaging. All I know is I wouldn't want that famous-for-being-famous Jenner momager, who's already a fixture on E! Entertainment thanks to Ryan Seacrest, anywhere near a network camera. Ugh!

[From Deadline]

"The jealousies, the bickering, the micromanaging…" why isn't THAT a show? That would get better ratings than Kardashian/Jenner stunt-casting. Sidenote: did you guys watch Oprah's "Behind the Scenes" show on OWN? That was so awesome, and WAY more interesting than Oprah's last season. Behind-the-scenes dramas, no matter how mundane, are almost always more interesting than the actual shows.

By the way, did you hear that Kris Jenner is now Kris Humphries's manager? True story. Kris Jenner manages all of her daughters, and while they all turn a profit, nothing says "this will all end in a horrific disaster" like Kris Jenner assigning herself a new client in her daughter's athlete-husband. Does Jenner manage Scott Disick too? No, right? I feel like Scott has his own people, separate from the Kat-Face Klan. Same with Lamar Odom. So what's the big deal with Humphries? He must be super-dumb.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Cele|bitchy

Cele|bitchy

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