Monday, August 29, 2011

Crushable

Crushable

6 Ways Courtney Stodden’s Birthday Is Drastically Different From Normal 17-Year-Olds’ Birthdays

Posted: 29 Aug 2011 11:04 AM PDT

So today is Courtney Stodden‘s birthday — and if she’s actually telling the truth about her age, she’s turning 17. That’s right: She’s younger than Justin Bieber, not even legal, and married to Lost star Doug Hutchison. Shudder. But it got us thinking about when we were 17, and how tame our teenage angst seemed in comparison to Courtney’s Baywatch-inspired photo shoots and yowls about being sexy while Doug paws at her.

Here are six things that normal 17-year-olds would be doing on their birthdays, compared to what Courtney’s up to:

Getting their drivers’ licenses or even a car vs. Having your sugar daddy drive you around

We’ve seen Courtney posing with cars in glamour shots and her music videos, but we have no idea if she actually knows how to operate one. Probably not, since Doug has likely learned his lesson from watching Hugh Hefner and The Girls Next Door and knows that he can’t give his child bride a shred of independence or she’ll go running off.

Having sex with someone their own age vs. Getting married to an older man

I blame teen flicks for making me think that 17 is the magic age to have sex, but that seems to be the trend in every movie. But sex when you’re in high school doesn’t mean you’re going to spend the rest of your life with the guy… except when you’re Courtney, who apparently just couldn’t wait to get hitched. Unfortunately, we already know that she thinks Doug is “a tiger” in the sack and loves how much experience he has.

Lying to their parents about losing their virginity, among other stuff vs. Sharing everything

We know some of the gory details from above because Courtney’s mom was the one who proudly announced that her daughter was a virgin before marrying 51-year-old Doug. That oversharing, coupled with Courtney and Doug’s cringeworthy interviews, means that the Stoddens know everything about their daughter — and still don’t ground her.

Buying your first porno vs. Making a soft-core porn Twitter

Normal kids would be sneakily downloading porn out of curiosity before they can legally get the stuff at 18. Then there’s Courtney, whose Twitter account is nothing but steamy ruminations on pleasuring herself to Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, sucking lollipops, and walking on the Hollywood hills. It’s natural for kids to figure out sex for themselves, but not Courtney’s attempts to seduce the entire Internet — take her most recent tweet:

Celebrating the last night of being sweet-n-sexy 16 by wearing NOTHING but my tasty bday-suit! Mmm; Yummy! ;-)

Going to prom vs. Attending celebrity parties

Courtney and Doug haven’t yet become red-carpet fixtures, but we bet that we’ll start seeing them crop up in photo spreads from big-name parties. We wouldn’t be surprised if they took a page from Tareq and Michaele Salahi‘s book and gatecrashed a big political party in order to get the reality show they want. Which brings us to…

Applying for college vs. Trying to get a reality show

Junior year is the toughest for all high-school kids due to the major stress of the SAT and having to make ourselves seem awesome through one measly application. But thanks to her fame, Courtney’s an open book. She couldn’t get into a school to save her life, but she’s happy to be a plastic-bodied, rambling reality star. So everyone wins!

Related posts:

Post from: Crushable

Jersey Shore Field Notes: The Situation Vs. A Wall

Posted: 29 Aug 2011 11:02 AM PDT

(By an anthropologist)

0:00 – We find our specimens exactly where we left them: Ronnie is pacing around in Hulk-mode, gearing up to attack The Situation; The Situation is getting pumped for a fight; Sammi is sobbing salty margarita tears.

1:00 – Faced with Ronnie the Steroid, The Situation tries to cram six month’s worth of fight training into 30 seconds.

2:00 – Situation slams his own head into the wall, presumably out of excitement. He slumps down. Stars float around his skull and the “Rocky” theme song plays, on kazoo.

5:00 – Sitch lies on the couch with a cold compress on his head. The girls are worried he may have injured his head and also possibly his brain.

6:00 – Our humans call an ambulance. JWOWW is convinced Sitch is going to die, either from the head trauma or the ego deflation.

10:00 – An ambulance shows up to take Sitch away, blasting its wimpy European siren. Snooki thinks it’s a gelato truck and skips outside.

11:00 – JWOWW goes in to talk to Ron, who’s still Hulking out in his room.

12:00 – Ron starts to cry and cry. Green fluid leaks out of his eyes, draining him, and when he’s done sobbing, he is once again merely a man. A man who will never be Eric Bana.

13:00 – Vinny, JWOWW and Snooki discuss The Situation’s situation. JWOWW is still worried that Sitch is going to die, so Vinny reassures her by explaining that people get concussions all the time. Then Snooki reassures her by explaining that she herself used to get concussions while cheerleading — and hey, she turned out just fine! (Note: not true, Snooki is a ghost.)

14:00 – Sammi is off in her room sobbing uncontrollably. Ronnie tries to talk to her. Sammi can’t make out his grunts and only cries harder.

14:30 – Ron finds Vinny and apologizes for getting all Hulky. The two men hug. However, Vinny accuses Ron of drinking too much. (Note: it appears out specimens are involved in an elaborate game of hot potato wherein they must constantly pass the designation of “alcoholic” from person to person.)

15:00 – Ron finds Sam, who is apparently ready to talk. He explains that the two of them together is a toxic combination: she’s liquor, he’s cocaine. Separate, each is annoying, together they can kill a man. Just ask The Situation’s concussed cranium.

16:00 – Sam tells Ron she never wants to see him again. They separate. Sammi goes off to vomit in a toilet and eat a breakfast burrito while Ron leaves to go stare at his dilated pupils in a mirror and fist bump himself over and over.

22:00 – Fists fully bumped, Ron decides that he has to leave the house because he feels like he has lost himself. (Note: he means this literally. He cannot remember where he put his body. Did he leave it on the couch? In the smoosh room? By the toilet? Where?)

22:30 – Vinny tries to talk Ron out of leaving and is rather convincing. (Note: Does Vinny have a PhD? Investigate.)

23:00 – Ronnie sits and thinks. For entire moments, he is basically a Rodin sculpture. After nanoseconds of internal reflection, Ron decides he will stay in Florence, after all.

24:00 – A new man, Ron decides to put Sitch’s bed — which mere hours earlier he had flung into the living room — back together. This is so that Sitch “has somewhere to lay his head if he comes back.” IF. If. if.

25:00 – Pauly returns and explains that the hospital is keeping Sitch for a few more hours of observation. Nothing related to his head injury, they just want to poke him with some stuff and maybe throw him in with a couple lab rats.

26:00 – The Situation makes his triumphant return. He has a light concussion and must wear a neck brace for a week, which means he can’t GTL. (Note: How do these people have so much laundry? Is it a glandular issue?)

30:00 – Still posed with one fist beneath his chin, Ronnie decides to spend a day alone with his thoughts. Will he sit at a cafe with a newspaper? Perhaps tour the Duomo? Stroll the magnificent streets of Florence? Nope, he goes to the gym and lifts weights.

31:00 – Snooki and JWOWW’s boyfriends send them flowers. They’re real and not plastic, however, so the girls are upset.

32:00 – The fellows go out to eat. They run into Ron, post-workout, who’s alone and still engaged in self-reflection by staring at his face in a pool of olive oil.

33:00 – Ron decides that he loves Sammi again (Note: Noooooooooooooooo!)

37:00 – Snooki calls her mate Jionni and tries to initiate phone copulation. She wants to know if he’s DTF. WTF? Jionni seems shy and won’t bite, but perhaps he’s just confused about all the acronyms.

39:00 – Sam decides the best course of action in her plan to completely ignore Ron is to remove all the stuff he gave her from his room and place it on his bed. She does this with the subtlety of a praying mantis post-copulation.

39:30 – Sam finds Sitch, who’s lying in bed, concussed head buried under a pillow.

“Mike, are you okay?”

No answer.

“I just want to apologize for everything.”

No answer.

“Well, I’m glad you’re okay.”

(Note: Sitch might be dead.)

40:00 – Sitch is not dead! He just feels alienated. No one has been checking on him and so he feels great despair. Meaning: he sniffles once or twice for the camera. Also, he keeps his sunglasses on.

41:00 – Ron “I Still Love Sam” The Hulk returns home to find Sam’s stuff on his bed. He throws it all into the trash. (Note: No recycling?)

47:00 – The girls go out drinking. Sam feels bad that everyone has to deal with her and Ron’s fighting. But it’s nothing that more drinking can’t temporarily solve, then make ten times worse.

50:00 – It’s back to the club for our boys, except for that ole cripple, The Situation, who is at home writing a Dickens novel about himself.

51:00 – Pauly dances with an Italian girl. This angers an Italian man who might be her mate.

52:00 – The Italian man comes up to Pauly and repeatedly asks, “Che cosa? Che cosa?” (Note: He might be displaying the human behavior known as “rapping.”)

54:00 – Pauly engages in deep, philosophical inquiry about whether or not he should fight the Italian man. Schopenhauer says do it! Kant says do not do it! John Mayer says, “Just walk away and find a nice girl to take home and pee on,” and so that’s exactly what Pauly will do. Crisis: averted.

55:00 – Back at their habitation hovel, Snooki and Sitch make up. Even though Sitch spread all those lies, Snooki realizes she still cares about him. “At the end of the day,” Sitch says, “we love each other.”

At the beginning of the day, they are asleep; during the middle of the day, they are groggy; nearing the end of the day, they are plastered; but at the very end of the day there is room for a bit of sloppy love. (Note: eat your heart out, The Sphynx.)

57:00 – Outside of The Club, Ron buys Sam flowers. He does this, he says, to be an adult about the situation and to prove to Sam that she’s the asshole, not him.

58:00 – Ron gives Sam the flowers and she is (note: understandably)confused. Sammi asks Ron if he brought another girl home. Ron is furious and starts to Hulk up.

59:00 – Ron and Sam fight because Sam seems ungrateful about those flowers. Ron wonders why he even got them in the first place. (Note: to prove that Sammi’s an asshole, Ron. Memory problems?)

59:30 – Ron throws the flowers away.

60:00 – Sam retrieves the flowers.

60:30 – The flowers commit suicide because they simply cannot take it for a single second more, my god, when is the effing show going to be over?

Post from: Crushable

Bravo Is Really Uneven in Its Handling of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 2 Issue

Posted: 29 Aug 2011 11:11 AM PDT

According to Bravo’s official schedule, it looks as if the network is scrambling to get its act together in order to stick to the September 5 premiere of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. While we were sure that they’d postpone or even cancel season 2 after Russell Armstrong‘s suicide, Bravo’s schedule says that next Monday will have a new episode called “Group Therapy.” But strangely, the Watch What Happens preview show will not air tonight.

Bravo’s replaced Watch What Happens with a new episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker. Matchmaker has been airing on Mondays for the past three weeks but will move to Thursdays starting next week. But TV Guide (and up until recently, The Futon Critic) has a listing for the season 2 preview show as airing tonight.

We bet that not even Andy Cohen can navigate the clusterfuck that was left behind after Russell’s death right now, so the network is taking off another week to figure things out. This is the first time that we’ve heard of the season premiere episode title “Group Therapy,” so we don’t know if that’s what Bravo always intended to title it. Still, we think with such a charged name that they might have re-edited the footage to acknowledge Russell’s death and Taylor’s grief, instead of what this season was supposed to cover — their crumbling marriage and her allegations of abuse.

And yet, in some ways it seems like the studio is ignoring this huge game changer. The RHOBH website still has preview videos for season 2, including Taylor Armstrong showing a tour of her house and mentioning that her husband is Texan and loves to barbecue. (This wouldn’t be so strange considering the show’s been on the air for a year, except that the video is tagged “Season 2 Bonus Clips.”)

We’re cautiously optimistic that season 2 will still premiere next Monday; TV Guide has a listing for it, and we trust them. But if Bravo pulls it at the last minute, we won’t be surprised.

Regarding the photo: That’s Taylor the last time she was on Watch What Happens; you can bet her next talk with Andy will be a lot more serious.

Related posts:

Post from: Crushable

Gallery: The Craziest Images From Hurricane Irene

Posted: 29 Aug 2011 10:48 AM PDT

Congratulations, everyone! If you’re reading this, you did not die in the hurricane that swept much of the east coast this past weekend. While it proved to be a major snore-icane here in NYC, other parts of the country got absolutely hammered by Irene, who is such a moody bitch she must be on her period or something, amirite bros? The news media being what it is, a bunch of amazing images made it onto the Internet. Whether people were trying to survive or just being jackasses, each one of them made me go “whoa,” “heh,” “YOU, SIR, ARE AN IDIOT” or some mixture of the three.

Related posts:

Post from: Crushable

Video: Adele’s Simplified Performance Was the Highlight of the VMAs

Posted: 29 Aug 2011 11:13 AM PDT

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music, Adele

The wonderful Adele performed at last night’s VMAs, as did Beyonce, Lady Gaga, ‘Lil Wayne and Kanye/Jay-Z. (What’s that, you say? Chris Brown also performed? Oh, well we refuse to acknowledge that MTV is actually supporting the career of someone who unapologetically assaulted his girlfriend.)

Adele’s performance of “Someone Like You” came in the middle of a show chock-full of tiresome antics and supposedly shocking occurences (Lady Gaga in drag? Cool, seen it before), and the beautiful heartbreak song was a nice respite from the craziness. Adele stood on stage and sang into her microphone — that’s all — and by doing so reminded us that, you know, music exists and stuff. Good music, even — imagine that.

Post from: Crushable

Unlike Hilary Duff, Beyoncé Still Gets to Star in Her Movie After She Gives Birth

Posted: 29 Aug 2011 08:32 AM PDT

Days after Hilary Duff announced her pregnancy, studio Cypress Moon Productions announced they were forced to drop her from the upcoming Bonnie and Clyde remake since they couldn’t postpone the movie til after she gave birth. But apparently if you’re Beyoncé, it’s a whole different situation: Warner Bros. is willing to push Clint Eastwood‘s remake of A Star Is Born back beyond the February 2012 start date.

This isn’t entirely surprising, since Beyoncé is overall more respected as an artist, and even as a singer/actress, than Hilary Duff is. She’s a brand, and is (not to cheesily quote her song, but) irreplaceable in a large-scale musical project like this. Although Hilary resembles original Bonnie Faye Dunaway and is definitely a fun on-screen presence, the producers could easily find another Bonnie. (Most recently they were talking with Amanda Seyfried, but she turned it down.)

Obviously Warner Bros., and probably also Clint, believe in Beyoncé enough that they’re willing to push off A Star Is Born til she’s ready. There’s also the issue that Clint hasn’t yet found his leading man. For a while it looked as if it would be Leonardo DiCaprio, but despite being the first choice, he decided not to join the project.

Then again, TMZ just reported that Hilary nabbed $100,000 as severance pay for getting dropped from Bonnie and Clyde. That’ll buy a lot of diapers and swanky baby strollers…

Related posts:

Post from: Crushable

Gallery: The 8 Weirdest Outfits at the MTV VMAs

Posted: 29 Aug 2011 07:23 AM PDT

Jared Leto wore a dress to the VMAs! And Lady Gaga wore a dirty t-shirt. Somewhere in between were a couple of insane, cartoonish outfits from Katy Perry. Here they are, the eight most ridiculous uniforms from last night’s show.

Post from: Crushable

Crush Links: New Mom, Natalie Portman, Taking A Break From Acting?

Posted: 29 Aug 2011 07:18 AM PDT

Post from: Crushable

Hallmark’s William and Catherine: A Royal Romance Basically Stole the Plot of The Prince and Me

Posted: 29 Aug 2011 06:56 AM PDT

A pampered prince tries to live a normal life at university and finds himself entranced with a spunky commoner that the Royal Family will never accept as a princess. Why does this story sound so familiar? You might think it’s because William and Catherine: A Royal Romance is the second made-for-TV movie about Prince William and Kate Middleton — but it’s actually because it has the exact same plot as the 2004 Julia Stiles movie The Prince and Me.

The comparisons went from my roommates casually commenting, “Huh, didn’t Julia Stiles do that?” to jaw-droppingly obvious. Let’s review:

  • The prince needs a “normal” life. It’s so vital for Will to attend St. Andrew’s so he’ll have an idea of what a normal life — especially one around people his own age — is. In The Prince and Me, Edvard (or “Eddie”) is a spoiled shit who decides to attend a very “American” college in Wisconsin after watching a Girls Gone Wild video.
  • The prince’s attentive aide. Both Will and Eddie have a bodyguard/servant/confidante who does his housekeeping, interrupts him in class with important messages, and provides witty commentary on the socially awkward prince.
  • Working at the pub. Even though Kate and Paige (Julia Stiles’ character) would never exist in the same tax bracket, both have to work at the local bar/pub to make ends meet. That means there are scenes where Will/Eddie awkwardly makes conversation with the girl he likes while she’s trying to do her job.
  • Emphasize a dead/dying parent. Obviously Will feels the pressure of looking good in the public eye, especially after the press was partly to blame for his mother Diana‘s death. Eddie has to return to Denmark when he discovers that his father is gravely ill and he will have to become king soon.
  • The girl’s parents are hicks. Both the Hallmark and Lifetime movies focused on the huge class difference between Will and Kate, with her parents acting like country bumpkins around the Royal Family. And while it’s obvious that if you weren’t inbred into the monarchy you’d appear lacking, we have to remember that Kate’s parents were already millionaires from their party-planning company. Neither movie seemed to notice that. Again, the Royal Family would probably happily take party planners compared to Paige’s farmer parents, with their Thanksgiving tradition of lawn mower races.
  • The prince is a dumbass. Both movies have scenes where Kate/Paige has to teach Will/Eddie how to do laundry. Privilege is hilarious!
  • Paparazzi issues. William and Catherine is surprisingly tame when it comes to the media, with one car chase that’s definitely thrilling but is later forgotten; and Will and Kate kissing on vacation, only to be inconvenienced when a shutterbug tries to snap pics. The Prince and Me‘s paparazzi scene still sticks with me: Paige and Eddie are fooling around in the stacks when they’re ambushed by photogs. The scene is made all the scarier because Paige isn’t expecting such humiliation.

Then there’s all the true details Hallmark could have included but didn’t.

Related posts:

Post from: Crushable

Posted:

Post from: Crushable
Brought to you by: at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)