Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Crushable

Crushable

Daily WTF: Man Arrested For Biting Woman Claims To Be 500-Year-Old Vampire

Posted: 17 Aug 2011 11:51 AM PDT

A 19-year-old manchild named Lyle Monroe Bensley was arrested in Galveston, Texas over the weekend after breaking into a woman’s house in only his underwear and trying to bite her. According to the police report, “Bensley made growling and hissing noises while biting and hitting the woman in her bed.” Holy shit. Luckily, the woman managed to run into the parking lot outside her apartment building and jump into a car being driven by a neighbor, who then drove her to safety. Did she wonder for a moment if vampires might actually be real? No, because vampires are not fucking real.

Via The Houston Chronicle:

“He was begging us to restrain him because he didn’t want to kill us,” Galveston Officer Daniel Erickson said. “He said he needed to feed.”

How the cop managed to deliver this sentence with a straight face is beyond me. The things you see in Texas! The article continues:
Police received a call at 6:50 a.m. Erickson said he and another officer were in the woman’s apartment when they heard shrieking and growling sounds and saw Bensley in the parking lot. They arrested him after a short chase.

“I’m a vampire, and I’ve been alive for over 500 years,” Bensley said, according to Erickson.

Emergency medical personnel determined that Bensley did not appear to be under the influence of drugs, Erickson said.

A mental health hold was placed on Bensley and his bond was set at $40,000.

Does True Blood count as a drug? I think maybe it should, after this little episode. Also, that guy’s going to have to work on his fashion sense if he ever wants a shot at being taken seriously as a vampire. “Nu metal douchebag” is not among the currently approved vamp looks.

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Your New Favorite Tumblr: Kanye with White People

Posted: 17 Aug 2011 11:22 AM PDT

Welcome to your new favorite Tumblr, “Kanye with White People.” It’s exactly what it sounds like: Kanye West posing with the whitest, most awkward white folk on the planet. Kind of ruining your cred here, Mr. West. Check it out:

This guys look like they really get hip hop:

Absolutely furious:

Kanye with some white teenagers:

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The Truth About Harry Potter Ghost Moaning Myrtle

Posted: 17 Aug 2011 11:00 AM PDT

We’ve never given much thought to Moaning Myrtle, the cranky ghost who helped Harry out in Chamber of Secrets and Goblet of Fire. But this photo on Tumblr is so true: She really does look like Daniel Radcliffe in a wig!

(The only person not laughing is probably actress Shirley Henderson, who’s played mostly adults in her career — and in big movies like Marie Antoinette and Bridget Jones’ Diary.)

And then some amazing soul created this:

We’re ROFL but also a bit frightened. The resemblance is uncanny.

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Look At This Awesome Letter Phil Hartman Sent To A Fan

Posted: 17 Aug 2011 10:44 AM PDT

Phil Hartman, the comedic genius and SNL cast member whose life was tragically cut short in 1998, was by all accounts a pretty great guy. This was especially notable in a group of people not exactly known for their sanity or civility. Hence, it comes as no surprise that when a fan and aspiring comedian sent him a tape of his work and a letter asking for feedback in 1996, he actually responded. Even so, the level of care and thought he put into giving this random guy constructive criticism went way above and beyond what a fan could reasonably expect of a busy actor and comedian. It’s really sweet!

The fan (known online as “Happy Fatties”) just this week saw fit to scan and post the letter, and I must say, it’s definitely worth reading. You can view the full scan over at the Happy Fatties, but in case you don’t feel like deciphering Hartman’s handwriting (which was actually not bad), here’s the full text of the letter:

Michael-

Hi. Thanks for your letter. I listened to your tape, enough of it to hear that you have true natural talent. Your voice is pleasant to the ear. That, I think is your basic talent, your humor is like a lot of comedy I hear today…angry, somewhat mean spirited. Okay, I guess if that’s what makes your friends laugh. Sure. Go there. Maybe I’m old. I honestly recognize that a lot of humor (my humor, too) is hostile. But when it’s too on the nail…

“I can’t stand Alannis, Nickelodeon, etc.”…to me, it lacks craft and subtlety. Look at Letterman. His humor is hostile, but it holds back, to network standards, and yet still works beautifully. He doesn’t go all the way. You seem to be going more toward a Howard Stern sensibility. And I prefer Letterman. So there you go.

“And that’s OKAY,” as Stuart Smalley says. I just have a sense that you could be more than a shock jock. It’s just a hunch. As artists we all face the same challenge– What is funny about me? Or, more pertinently, Who am I? If you dislike Alannis, and say so bluntly, that’s not funny. If you make a TOP TEN LIST OF OTHER THINGS ALANNIS FINDS “IRONIC,” that can be funny, and still allow you to express your antipathy.

Amateur comedy is too “on the nail.” You need to develop craft. In school, in a radio gig, a theater group, improv troupe, or standup showcase. Don’t be discouraged. You have talent. Personally, I like your own voice more than your impressions and character work. Just work, wherever you can. You’ll grow and refine and be great. Be patient. (I didn’t start acting till I was 27). You’ve got a head start.

Go for it,

Phil Hartman

He brings up some good points, no? I think meanness has a place in humor, but I also think subtlety and craft are really important. This is something we (bloggers) could be better at, in general. I, for one, will definitely try to keep his words in mind as I go about my work.

Also, ain’t in cute how he misspelled “Alannis”? I think I was spelling it the same way in 1996.

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Increasingly Awkward Recaps: ‘Jenna Lives’

Posted: 17 Aug 2011 10:29 AM PDT

Jenna’s being stalked, Matty might be hooking up with another girl, and the guidance counselor is taking off her shirt. So. Much. Awkwardness.

Jenna Freaks

Despite the ice-cold “I’m not ready to be in a relationship” line Matty handed Jenna last week, she’s still holding on to the hope he’s still into her — just, you know, shy or something. Those hopes get a little strained when she sees a hottie getting out of his car. To make matters worse, she seems to have a stalker: A creepy-looking guy in a black T-shirt that says Jenna Lives on the front, and In Tribute on the back. Someone’s cashing in on her non-suicide.

Jenna Plus

Matty’s new squeeze who he literally keeps squeezing right in front of Jenna is deemed “Jenna Plus” by our poor, sad protagonist. The girl definitely bears a slight resemblance but unfortunately possesses a lot more cool. In a moment of Matty-frustration-fueled courage, Jenna confronts the Jenna Lives creeper, who insists the screen print is a reference to his band. Still seeing him everywhere, she goes to the ever-helpful guidance counselor to report the stalker and the mean tee, only to find she’s rocking one too. The counselor does the polite thing and takes it off. (She’s too young to be wearing such an old-lady bra.)

Jenna Snaps

Bolting to Matty to prove she’s not crazy, Jenna rambles for a bit about her non-suicide, only increasing the appearance that she’s mentally unstable. Seeing him buy Jenna Plus a sandwich only increases the crazy, which reaches a boiling point when she finds the stalker hawking Jenna Lives T-shirts in the hallway. She does the only reasonable thing after he refuses to take the shirt off: She rips it off him. And as everyone knows, de-shirting a guy in the hallway is an offense worthy of detention.

Jenna Escapes

Luckily, the loopy guidance counselor is also the detention monitor, so Jenna and her fellow rebels can leave while she takes her two-hour nap. Unfortunately, the leader of the jail break is Jenna Plus. They have a friendly chat about her magical hook-ups and epic fights with her on again, off again boyfriend, and Jenna’s fears are confirmed when she glances at Plus’ phone and sees Matty’s last name on the caller ID.

Jenna Misinterprets

Jenna and Jake share a sweet moment of miscommunication where she talks about a guy (read: Matty) with a girlfriend who’s just not into her, while Jake offers that that guy (read: him) is totally into her. So Jenna thinks he’s just being nice, and Jake thinks she’s just confessed her undying love for him. That won’t go wrong. Sure enough, as soon as detention lets out, Jake comes back to very, very clumsily confess his (or, “that guys’”) crush on Jenna. And then he kisses her. Right in front of the janitor. Oh snap.

Jenna Apologizes

Jenna’s adorably bumbling parental units try to punish her for her detention-worthy offense, but end up fighting over the appropriateness of a mother encouraging her fifteen-year-old to wear a bra-less, back-less shirt to school. It also turns out that Jenna’s supposed stalker is an office aide, which explains his omnipresence around school and Jenna. She mans up and apologizes… but the audience is allowed a sneak-peek into his locker, which is, in fact, a Jenna shrine. It seems Jenna Plus wants to be Jenna’s new bestie, since she calls her over to her lunch table. When Matty sits down he reveals Jenna Plus isn’t his girlfriend, she’s his brother’s, explaining the last name on the caller ID. So Jenna enjoys her lunch with her dream guy and her hope lives another day.

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Gallery: Celebrities Wear Camo, We Disapprove

Posted: 17 Aug 2011 10:28 AM PDT

Camouflage is totally in this fall, say people who know things about fashion. I bet you’re dying with anticipation wondering “Liana, will you be one of the women traipsing down Broadway in a tan-and-olive overcoat?” Probably not, is the answer to your not-question! I know I’m in the minority here, but something just doesn’t sit right with me regarding camo print. The idea of taking the purpose-serving pattern of our military and wearing it simply because it looks cool just seems kind of shitty. People are dying in fatigues every day, and it’s hard for me to look at those colors and see anything other than battlefields.

Man, I’ll be sorry when World War Z breaks out in New York City and I’m the only one who can’t blend in with the… um, sand and trees and stuff, won’t I? Anyway, here are a bunch of famous people who have decided that fatigues are fashionable. Weirdly, there isn’t a helmet or a machine gun in the bunch.

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The Dos and Don’ts of Drama, with Degrassi: The First Rule of Cagefighting Club Is…

Posted: 17 Aug 2011 10:09 AM PDT

Two out of the three plotlines for “Mr. Brightside” parts 1 and 2 were pretty drama-free: Alli had to trust her parents to like Dave for who he really is, and Holly J and Fiona found a way to give Dawn her kidney money. So, mostly happy endings in Degrassi-land. Even Drew and Katie seemed to have a growing flirtation. AND THEN DREW STARTED CAGEFIGHTING.

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R.I.P. Jessi Slaughter’s Dad

Posted: 17 Aug 2011 09:25 AM PDT

Gene Leonhardt, father of Internet cautionary tale Jessi Slaughter (a.k.a. Jessica Leonhardt) has reportedly died of a heart attack at age 53. This is sad for a number of reasons, the least of which is one can no longer enjoy his infamous “You Dun Goofed” video and its accompanying memes without feeling like a really bad person.

Because Mr. Slaughter wasn’t a crazy Internet addict like his daughter, not much is publicly known about him, but we do know he was arrested for hitting Jessi earlier this year, then later released. Jessi was placed in foster care, where she remains.

A screenshot posted on a site called Funny Junk (ugh) purporting to be of Mrs. Leonhardt’s Facebook wall reported his death yesterday:

And obituary records for the town where he lived would seem to confirm it. Unless another 53-year-old man named Gene Leonhardt in Dunnellon, West Virginia died that day and someone jumped on the chance to fake a Facebook screen shot, this is for real.

It’s sad to note that Gene died the same day Jessi posted her apology video. Did she know about it yet, or is it just a coincidence? One might think she’d have more on her mind than how much she loves Blood on the Dance Floor if she’d known.

A lot of people are already making terrible jokes about it, but we here at Crushable don’t make fun of people right after they die, so I’m just going to send my condolences to the Leonhardt family and leave it at that. Rest in peace, Mr. Leonhardt. I hope you’re in a place where memes can’t hurt you.

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4 Blink-and-You’ll-Miss-’Em Cameos in Fright Night

Posted: 17 Aug 2011 09:00 AM PDT

There are two forces working together to make Fright Night a delightfully fun, terrifying vampire movie: The tight script by Buffy alum Marti Noxon, and the cast. You already know that it’s got a stellar leading cast – Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, David Tennant — but there are four hilarious cameos that really enhance the movie. See if you’re sharp-eyed enough to catch these once you go to see this excellent remake.

Lisa Loeb and Brian Huskey as Ed’s parents. If we had to imagine the two souls who would conceive Christopher Mintz-Plasse, you can’t get much better than one of the most recognizable Best Week Ever panelists and the ’90s singer who understood our every heartbreak. She’s even wearing her signature glasses! These two are in the movie for too short a time; we’re really hoping that there will be deleted scenes on the DVD where we get to learn more about Ed’s dorky upbringing.

Dave Franco as a bully. Every high school movie needs the cool jerk who has an inherent hatred for geeks, and Fright Night is no exception. Dave stays in the picture a bit longer than the others, so you’ll have some time to linger on his resemblance to brother James, though he does a better job of playing a bully, in our opinion. (You could never take James-the-bully seriously in movies like Whatever It Takes with that huge grin, but Dave seems to have the actual necessary loathing down.)

Chris Sarandon as an unfortunate motorist. You might better know Chris as Susan Sarandon‘s ex-husband, but he also played Jerry in the original Fright Night. Even his name on IMDb is a nod back to the movie: He’s called Jay Dee. I don’t want to give away anything more about his role, but you’ll know who he is when everyone in the theater starts applauding.

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Art Crush: David Byrne’s Fake iPhone Apps

Posted: 17 Aug 2011 08:44 AM PDT


Talking Heads founder David Byrne is perpetually up to something cool. If he’s not singing backing vocals on Arcade Fire records or writing his New York Times column about cycling (seriously), he’s creating wry and topical art. His latest offering is this series of fake iPhone apps which will be seen in a group show called “Social Media” alongside works by artists including Miranda July and Christopher Baker.

I would use the “Invisible Me” app all the time and I’d choose sexy mode for all business emails. That’s how you get ahead in this world.

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